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Original poster

Worried about our nanny

66 replies

satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 16:30

I'm really worried about our new nanny.

She is kind, caring, and my kids like her. However she has been off sick several times in less than 8 weeks of working with us, with 1.5 days with the flu, 1.5 days with kidney stones and also leaving early to get to an emergency doctor's appointment. We also had to postpone her induction meeting before she started as she had a sickness bug.

On top of this she has also sadly lost her grandfather, so of course we gave her time off for that as we were keen to support her. Ditto when her grandmother had a few days in hospital.

More details on this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/childcare_options/3500144-Nanny-absences

What this all means is that she has barely worked a complete week since she started. I want this to be a successful working relationship, I really do. But it is affecting my job as I've had to take lots of time off to cover her absences. I work for myself so I don't get paid unless I work, so I've lost income and also had to pay out for expensive emergency childcare.

I think we are going to have to talk to her about how her attendance is not acceptable. I appreciate that everyone has family emergencies and get sick sometimes, but we just cannot sustain this. DH and I are going to do a return to work meeting.

Has anyone been in a situation with a nanny who was off sick a lot but managed to improve their attendance? If so, I'd love to hear how you did it.

Like I say, I am keen to support and help her but I cannot do my job properly if her attendance follows the current pattern. I want to work with her to turn things around though if we can.

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 12/03/2019 16:36

we were very similar to this - she had to leave in the end as it was affecting my work far too much. It would be for all sorts of things - boyfriend ill, grandma ill, grandad ill, mum missing, sister missing, dog ill etc.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 16:41

Thank you @NCforthis2019 it is good to know we are not alone!

Did you try talking to your nanny? I feel that we should make a last ditch attempt.

It would be easier if my kids did not like her. We've also just come through 3 months where our previous nanny, who was with us over 2 years , reliable and lovely went on long term sick leave and sadly had to leave after we tried everything to support her. My children are really unsettled by it all.

I am wondering if we should just start to look for someone else.

OP posts:
crosspelican · 12/03/2019 16:44

Honestly, I'd let her go. She is preventing you from working, and I would be very surprised if she changed.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/03/2019 16:46

I think you can discount the death of a grandparent - most people would have time off for a funeral of a grandparent and there was really nothing she could have done!

1.5 days isn't much with the flu so must have been a cold. It's hard as she is new as you don't know if this is what she's like generally or if this a run of bad luck for her.

I'd maybe approach it like a company would, tell her if it's one more episode of sickness in a 12 month rolling period then it's a formal warning.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 12/03/2019 16:51

1.5 days isn't much with the flu so must have been a cold.

^ that was my first thought.
We all have had terrible colds at some point. Ones that make us feel absolutely dreadful but they are still just colds. Down a Lemsip, dose up on cold medicine and get on with life.
It doesn't sound like she has the best work ethic to me. I know people get sick and home tragedies do occur but it's a LOT of time off for just 8 weeks working. Sometimes you have to just suck it up and keep your absences from work at a reasonable level.

I would speak to her first. Something polite but to the point. If she has any more time off I would start looking for a new nanny.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2019 17:07

Tricky one, but nannying is the sort of job where a person needs to avoid a lot of absence. It sounds like she's not in the best of general health and might be more suited to the type of job where colleagues can cover if she's off sick again...

Springwalk · 12/03/2019 17:10

We have just been through a patch of non stop viruses, bugs and family deaths. It is winter and to be expected. Nannies are humans not robots. Things happen. Sometimes life is like that, everything comes at once. In most cases it genuinely can’t be helped.

I would give her another month, if she continues to take time off then it would be reasonable to call it a day.

You may lose a very good nanny unless you give her a chance. Your new nanny may not be reliable or liked by your children. There are no guarantees.

I wouldn’t give her a warning either, if her problems are genuine (and I am assuming they are) then she won’t thank you for threatening her with dismissal. It will sound like you don’t believe her.

tealcoat · 12/03/2019 17:12

Yeah have a 'formal' conversation about her attendance, specifically mentioning the impact it has on your work. If you don't work enough paid days then how can you afford to pay her! Give her a fixed time period to turn things around?

When attendance is assessed in other settings for illness, the odd days off here and there count much more negatively than a whole week of sickness - look at the Bradford Factor.

See how receptive she is to the conversation and then maybe halfway through her 'turning it around' period start looking for someone else if she's shown little improvement. Aren't nanny's meant to make your life easier! It sounds like you've had a rough few months without much continuity childcare wise.

Boysey45 · 12/03/2019 17:15

Do you think shes telling you the right/whole story OP? My friend had kidney stones and he thought he was dying and told his wife he was it was that bad. He had to go via ambulance to a and e and be admitted and have them removed. He was in hospital a while.
I think I would say she needed to be at work all the time from now on or she had to leave. Its not fair on you and your family.

dairymilkmonster · 12/03/2019 17:16

We have been through two patches with our nanny where she had lots of time off sick. All supposedly physical problems but actually primarily psychological distress with 'functional' symptoms- I'm fairly sure on this as am a psychiatrist. Patches where she was dumped by a boyfriend, had to move house when wasn't expecting to have too, fight with her father --> all lead to time off.
I was initially as supportive as humanly possible but when it became too much did three things:

  1. Stopped her pay - just got statutory sick pay
  2. Made it clear we would expect a GP note in the same way as other employers (she did initially see the GP and get one - 'stress' - but not since)
  3. We had a long talk and tried to work out how we could support her. Ithink we\ve been total softies, but her time off reduced to minimal levels. The reason we went to this trouble was that the kids are very attached to her, her work is good AND she is very flexible with hours which is essential for us.
Yabbers · 12/03/2019 17:17

I have a bit of sympathy for her. Sometimes things just all go wrong at once. Like my last year. Thankfully my work were sympathetic and didn’t sack me.

If these are genuine illnesses it must have been a shit time for her too.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 17:21

lots of good advice here everyone, thank you.

I haven't really said much about this before- and I haven't told our nanny- but this situation is really exacerbating my depression. I work in a very full on senior role which I love, and normally work keeps me sane. But trying to cover for her so often whilst juggling the demands of work, including not getting much sleep as I'm catching up on deadlines late into the night is awful and I'm feeling really low. DH works away a lot so can't do much.

I appreciate that everyone is human and life happens. But this amount of time off is just not normal.

I'm going to talk to her when she is back and also put feelers out about alternative arrangements.

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 12/03/2019 17:26

I'd be quite worried she doesn't look after herself very well for that amount of illness in 8 weeks.....

I'd say it's defeating the point of having a nanny and that you need to find someone else.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 17:29

@dairymilkmonster It is brilliant to hear your nanny situation improved! How did you offer to support her?

Like you, our kids really like our nanny, she has been willing to be flexible where needed and she does listen to feedback. I am however tearing my hair out with the stress of it all. I've got a very busy period ahead of work and am terrified of letting lots of people down if her attendance continues like this.

OP posts:
PiebaldHamster · 12/03/2019 17:29

Let her go. You need someone who can do the job. She isn't. It's that simple. You're getting in trouble at work and your mental health is suffering. You're not responsible for all the ills in her life. I wouldn't bother talking or chatting. She knows what's what.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 17:30

NB she only gets statutory sick pay. That is in her contract.

OP posts:
thedisorganisedmum · 12/03/2019 17:30

I would get rid of her.

Things happen, but some people need to take a lot more time than others. It's their choice, but it might mean they are not suitable for some jobs, or for some employers.

Things like her grandmother being in hospital - Even if she needed to travel to visit her, she could have done so at a weekend. She chose to take time off, I assume unpaid?
It means she doesn't need her job really, and will be quite "flexible". Fair enough, but if it doesn't work for you, you'd better find someone else.

PiebaldHamster · 12/03/2019 17:31

She's unreliable and you need reliable childcare to do your job that's paying the bills. This is a non starter. The grandparent thing, c'mon.

Springwalk · 12/03/2019 17:31

I completely understand she is putting additional pressure on your MH, and that is a good reason to put a time limit on her absences.

However that may be clouding your judgement a little, as no doubt you just need her to get into a good routine and get on with it. Hopefully she will from now on, but I don’t think she has taken so much time off or been unreasonable.

Maybe an informal chat would be better. Ask her how she is doing, does she feel things will settle down now. That should tell you all you need to know, she may be worried about losing her job after such a bad run of luck. Talk to her, but in a very relaxed way.

LondonBelongsToMe · 12/03/2019 17:33

what is her attitude towards this substantial amount of absence? is she mortified and hugely apologetic and taking the funeral absence as holiday etc etc? if it's all geniune, then the poor woman is having an atrocious run of luck, but 1.5 days of flu and 1.5 days of kidney stones sounds like hooey to me. Equally, it's extremely nice of you to give her time off when her grandmother was in hospital ,but it sounds like that was your choice - is she testing you to see how far she can push the boundaries? you've been extremely tolerant so far.
Did you get her through an agency by the way? because you might want to check their terms of business - you're quite possibly too late to get a free replacement at this point which is a couple of grand to factor into the sorry situation.

JazzerMcJazzer · 12/03/2019 17:34

The “kidney stones” sound suspicious. As others have said, the pain that they can cause is very very debilitating. Maybe they can suddenly pass though, and it is possible to be back to work very quickly after an episode. I know that one has to tread carefully about prying into details of illness, but that sounds like the sort of thing for which a doctor’s note would be appropriate.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 17:35

@springwalk The average UK employee takes 4.1 sick days a year, and she has almost clocked that up in less than 8 weeks!

Not really sure how my mental health issues might be clouding my judgement?!

OP posts:
PiebaldHamster · 12/03/2019 17:36

If you did this during the probationary period of most private jobs for companies you'd likely not pass probation, tbh.

Original poster
satsumagirl · 12/03/2019 17:37

@londonbelongstome Fortunately we didn't use an agency on this one, but may do in the future. I did all the same checks an agency would do and her references were excellent, so I'm mystified as to what has happened here.

OP posts:
jennymalone · 12/03/2019 17:37

Short term i would make an attempt to put practical measures in place in the short term - you've already confirmed she's only getting SSP, which should be a given for that amount of time off. however, you definitely need a "return to work" chat, it's long overdue.

any place i've ever worked would have used the Bradford Factor score to determine at what point absences become a problem, and required GP notes after 5 working days out... and dealt with it objectively across employees - just because your nanny is an employee in a pool of 1, doesn't mean she doesn't have similar accountability.

you need to explain this to her unless she's already well aware of it causing problems (and says so at the back to work meeting without prompting!).

Long term.. I'd look to replace her. You're paying her to solve a childcare problem, if she's not part of the solution to your problem, she isn't helping.

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