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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To avoid DSD?

70 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 18:50

Struggling with teenage step daughter. AIBU to just step back and leave her some space with her dad?
For context we’ve never enjoyed what you’d called a close relationship. Me and her dad got together when she was 8 which was 2 years after he split with her mum. Mum has remarried too. She’s done some pretty mean stuff over the years, the sort of stuff
You’d do to a step mum you don’t like, but for peace and harmony I’ve let it go. Now we’re at the stage I want it to stop, I’m sick of pretending it’s ok to be mean, to empty a whole bottle of good shampoo down the plug, to spread nice moisturiser all over my make up brushes, you know the score.
She does it when dad isn’t around and if I say anything he says I must be mistaken. I don’t want to fight, I have anxiety and would do anything to avoid confrontation. She’s 14 now and I’m actually actively avoiding her every time she comes round.
AIBU to avoid her? Is what she’s
Doing normal for a teenager? I don’t have any kids of my own.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 11/03/2019 18:51

Not normal and your husband shouldn't be allowing her to destroy your stuff.

pallisers · 11/03/2019 18:52

to empty a whole bottle of good shampoo down the plug, to spread nice moisturiser all over my make up brushes

That is not normal behaviour. Does she still do stuff like this? Do you not call her on this behaviour?

Wolfiefan · 11/03/2019 18:53

You don’t have a DSD problem. You have a DP problem. He would be dealing with this behaviour instead of being spineless and claiming you’re “mistaken”.

sackrifice · 11/03/2019 18:53

Buy the cheapest family stuff and lock your nice stuff away.

Samind · 11/03/2019 18:54

Yeah she's 14, not 4. That's ridiculous.

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 18:55

The shampoo thing is recent. I’ve started to put my good stuff away and leave out supermarket brand stuff for her to use/waste. I haven’t said anything as she’d run crying to her dad that I’d been mean. I also don’t want the drama and unpleasant atmosphere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 18:56

DH doesn’t know the half of it. It’s really not him I’ve got a problem with.

OP posts:
CloserIAm2Fine · 11/03/2019 19:00

So make him aware of it!

You don’t want to address it directly with her as she’ll kick off and whine to her dad, totally understand why you wouldn’t want to create that situation. So her dad needs to be the parent and address it, which he can’t if you don’t tell him! If he still doesn’t believe you or won’t address it then your problem is bigger than just your Dsd!

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 19:01

I'd be worried that my DH wasn't taking me seriously, and was effectively turning a blind eye to his DD's behaviour, you shouldn't have to feel like this in your own home.

Clearly your DSD thinks she can get away with what she does, either it's a relatively simple matter of your DH telling her it's not acceptable and having consequences - or it's a bit more deep rooted (anger issues? What she's doing isn't normal and is quite spiteful) and she needs some support/help.

Either way, your DH needs to step up here.

Iloveacurry · 11/03/2019 19:05

She thinks she can get away with it, and she has. You need to speak to your DH about her behaviour.

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 19:05

If he doesn’t believe me it will make it a billion times worse. A few years ago we had quite a serious incident where she potentially could have caused me a massive problem at work, think work laptop and unsavoury websites. I raised it with DH and he said she wouldn’t do it and it must have been someone at work. I know for a fact it was her as IT were able to tell me exactly when she’d been on the site. DH simply wouldn’t Believe it. It caused the most terrible row and I very nearly left him, I can’t go through that again.

OP posts:
AuntieCJ · 11/03/2019 19:11

Why stay with a man who thinks you're a liar? I'd be packing.

pallisers · 11/03/2019 19:11

You can avoid her as much as you like but the problem isn't going away. Your dh is really the problem here. He is failing his wife and he is utterly failing his child by not doing the hard bit of parenting - facing when you child has done something wrong, calling them on it, and helping them do better in the future.

She actually sounds like she is trying to provoke another she said/she said incident so she can win again. That or desperately looking for attention. either way she is being failed by her father.

dementedpixie · 11/03/2019 19:14

You HAVE to say to him as its his daughter. If she doesn't respect you and your belongings then she will not take any notice of you try to discipline her. It has to come from him and he can't do anything if he doesn't know about it

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 19:16

think work laptop and unsavoury websites

Bloody hell, OP. This is quite serious. Thing is, your DH absolutely should believe you. You had evidence, in that case, too. You're the adult, and his wife.

I'm really sorry it sounds like the first issue you need to address is with your DH, you just can't avoid this conversation you need to have.

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 19:17

She is a troubled child, her attention seeking is insane. Her social media is shocking and she makes up stories at school for attention. DH has been called by the school as she was so upset that her best friend had cancer and they were worried about her!! No friend with cancer!!

OP posts:
Samind · 11/03/2019 19:19

What's she like with her mum and partner?

Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 19:19

He knows but he’s choosing to believe her because he knows you won’t push it,

I’d not have stayed after the laptop incident I’m afraid - how is this a healthy relationship?

Goldmandra · 11/03/2019 19:20

How can you have a successful long term relationship with him when his DD is being abusive towards you and he wouldn't believe you if you told him?

This will only get worse as she gets older. Either he has to know and stand up to her or you need to walk away. You aren't ever going to be happy if it's allowed to continue.

Chickychoccyegg · 11/03/2019 19:21

you're not helping her or yourself by keeping dh in the dark about whats going on, she needs parenting and consequences for her (horrible and spiteful) actions, speak to dh, let him know everything thats going on snd if he wont deal with it or beleive you, you really need to question if you have a future together

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 19:24

She needs help, she's a teenager displaying really worrying behaviours.

Your DH can't stick his head in the sand, he's failing both her and you (as you're on the receiving end) you do need to be brave and have a discussion with him.

What's your relationship like with her mum?

IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 19:26

I can’t think of a single reason you want to stay with him.

iolaus · 11/03/2019 19:26

I have to say depending on what the websites were is he so insistent it couldn't have been the daughter because it was him? I'm assuming they were accessed at a time the laptop was at your house

He needs to know what she is doing and to discipline her over it

The one thing though I would say with teenagers is that sometimes they push parents (including step parents) hard to find out where those boundaries are, and the more they 'get away' with the more they will push -

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 19:26

I think her mom has troubles with her. I’m not close to her mom but I don’t think it’s all that harmonious.

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 11/03/2019 19:27

I’m in a similar position op. My dh supports me but it’s an uphill battle. However the laptop thing could have got you fired. That’s shocking.

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