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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To avoid DSD?

70 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 18:50

Struggling with teenage step daughter. AIBU to just step back and leave her some space with her dad?
For context we’ve never enjoyed what you’d called a close relationship. Me and her dad got together when she was 8 which was 2 years after he split with her mum. Mum has remarried too. She’s done some pretty mean stuff over the years, the sort of stuff
You’d do to a step mum you don’t like, but for peace and harmony I’ve let it go. Now we’re at the stage I want it to stop, I’m sick of pretending it’s ok to be mean, to empty a whole bottle of good shampoo down the plug, to spread nice moisturiser all over my make up brushes, you know the score.
She does it when dad isn’t around and if I say anything he says I must be mistaken. I don’t want to fight, I have anxiety and would do anything to avoid confrontation. She’s 14 now and I’m actually actively avoiding her every time she comes round.
AIBU to avoid her? Is what she’s
Doing normal for a teenager? I don’t have any kids of my own.

OP posts:

Nomorepies · 11/03/2019 21:06

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Bbang · 11/03/2019 21:08

@IvanaPee you’re not wrong, it felt like one especially when everyone believed her and not me or defended her cause ‘she’s only young and doesn’t know what she’s doing’ worst 4 years of my life and I’ve heard she’s doing the same to his GF now 👀

MumUnderTheMoon · 11/03/2019 21:19

You have to make him aware. Sit him down and tell him he has to tell her to stop and that you will not be bullied and disrespected by a child in your own home. He chose you and now he has to chose to stand up for you. And this isn't just a DSD problem he is allowing her to treat you this way.

TriciaH87 · 11/03/2019 22:36

I suggest you reach out to her mum. Ask her how she is at home, tell her whats happening if shes doing same at home to step dad or mum you have someone to back you up with dp. If shes not but is a handful mum might still be able to convince him shes no Angel.

OddCat · 11/03/2019 22:52

I can't get past the fact that your husband has called you a liar, I reckon he knows the truth but isn't prepared to tackle his daughter ( or it was him looking at dodgy websites). Either way it's not on at all.

The fact that he won't believe you or back you up shows he has little respect for you and his daughter is following in his footsteps.

lyralalala · 11/03/2019 23:17

Your husband is utterly failing his daughter as well as you.

She is clearly very unhappy and he is ignoring that by pretending it isn’t happening.

Wolfiefan · 11/03/2019 23:22

You’re leaving the house to avoid her?
She is driving you apart.
He needs to step up and be a parent and curb this crappy behaviour.
Or it’s over OP.

daftgeranium · 11/03/2019 23:24

The father should step up and parent his daughter, he is neglecting his duty as a parent. Unfortunately it has gone on for so long that it will be difficult to turn around.....

IvanaPee · 12/03/2019 07:55

@BBang just congratulate yourself on getting out! God knows what she’ll be as an adult!

dancinfeet · 12/03/2019 08:04

Agree, your DH needs to step up and sort out this behaviour. I have a 14 year old, and would be furious with her if she did any of those things to her stepmum!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 12/03/2019 08:10

When it becomes a police matter it won't be dsd being carried away.....
Carry your self respect while you still have some, far far away op.
He isn't committed to you is he?

BorsetshireBlew · 12/03/2019 08:13

You're putting far too much on the child. You tried to tell your DH what she had done and he was so angry with you that you almost left, so now you don't tell him? Bollocks do you not have a problem with him!
If you won't leave him though or confront him then you're going to have to avoid the DSD. Lock your stuff away and go out with friends when she's over.

ShatnersWig · 12/03/2019 08:31

You have three problems:

a) your DSD is a bitch and it's never been nipped in the bud
b) your DH refuses to see it on the few occasions you have pointed it out
c) you won't stand up for your self

I'm afraid you need to have done c) long before now about every issue in the (probably futile) hope your DH might actually do something about it.

Sorry, but this marriage is going to go down the plug hole.

Original poster

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 12/03/2019 09:57

I’m sorry did I miss something, why would this be a matter for the police? She hasn’t done anything illegal?

OP posts:

MzHz · 12/03/2019 10:20

You can’t live like this this!

Why don’t you bring the brushes to where your dsd and your h are and ask which of them has done it?

Why don’t you ask them both at the same time who has poured your shampoo away? Because if it’s not your dad, not you, then it has to be H right?

Therefore HE can pay to replace everything OR he can open his eyes to what is happening

You have to shine a light on this on every occasion, no it won’t be popular but you have no choice

MzHz · 12/03/2019 10:20

Dad - sorry dsd (autocorrect!)

PutyourtoponTrevor · 12/03/2019 10:25

That depends on how far she's willing to go OP, she's already put incriminating stuff on your laptop...if you don't nip this in the bud what could she do next?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/03/2019 10:34

DH has his faults but the issue is not with him.

No, really no.

Your DSD may have issues but they are being made 1000 times worse by her Dad's absolutely terrible attitude. Has it occurred to you that she needs help and he is PREVENTING that happening? Oh noooo she wouldn't possibly do that.

He is throwing both you and your relationship and his DD under the bus because he does not want to deal with a problem.

The day your partner looks you in the eye and calls you a liar when he KNOWS that you are telling the truth is the day your relationship is OVER.

I would have left him for his inability to be honest, his inability to set an example to his child and to parent proerly, LONG before it got to the point where he was calling me a liar and gaslighting me.

I can guarantee you that there are no reasons which could make him worth staying with. However if what you mean is that you are happy to stay in a dead parody of a relationship in order to have things easier on a practical level (home, finances, whatever) then that's different. Crack on. Live with this person as another adult in the house, have sex with him, whatever, but don't call him a partner because he isn't one. Make sure you have other people in your life who will be there for you in a crisis, keep your own money and savings, look elsewhere for emotional support, and yes you can probably continue to pretend fairly happily. Oh and yes stay away from his DD completely.

Sounds like a fab life!

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2019 10:48

I hope you don't keep your toothbrush in the bathroom.

StormTreader · 12/03/2019 10:50

Absolutely every word that FizzyGreenWater has said, with bells on ^^

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