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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To avoid DSD?

70 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 18:50

Struggling with teenage step daughter. AIBU to just step back and leave her some space with her dad?
For context we’ve never enjoyed what you’d called a close relationship. Me and her dad got together when she was 8 which was 2 years after he split with her mum. Mum has remarried too. She’s done some pretty mean stuff over the years, the sort of stuff
You’d do to a step mum you don’t like, but for peace and harmony I’ve let it go. Now we’re at the stage I want it to stop, I’m sick of pretending it’s ok to be mean, to empty a whole bottle of good shampoo down the plug, to spread nice moisturiser all over my make up brushes, you know the score.
She does it when dad isn’t around and if I say anything he says I must be mistaken. I don’t want to fight, I have anxiety and would do anything to avoid confrontation. She’s 14 now and I’m actually actively avoiding her every time she comes round.
AIBU to avoid her? Is what she’s
Doing normal for a teenager? I don’t have any kids of my own.

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 11/03/2019 19:31

If neither parent are addressing her issues she will turn into a complete nightmare (even more than she is being). Set her up - swap some cheap shampoo into an expensive bottle and leave it out for her. Show Dh. See if it all goes in one wash. If he continues to disbelieve you then I fear your relationship may not survive the strain.

Boboo18 · 11/03/2019 19:36

i am a single parent and if my daughter treated her stepmother the way your step daughter treated you i would be fraurious! It is disgusting!! You deserve respect! xx

WhiteCat1704 · 11/03/2019 19:36

Seriously OP..where is your self respect? You are allowing a teenager to bully you in your own home?

If you think your DH won't believe you speak to her directly. Preferably telling her it's unacceptable and ends now. If she runs to dad crying GOOD. He will have to take notice. If he has a go at you tell him to piss off and that you won't have her in your house unless he does something to correct this behaviour.

B3ck89 · 11/03/2019 19:39

Why would you sit back and be treated this way? And allow your husband to call you a liar would be an absolute kick in the teeth.
I don’t know how you haven’t packed your bags and left them

ElizabethMountbatten · 11/03/2019 19:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 11/03/2019 19:42

My SD was exactly the same....except she directed it at my DD1. It was awful, but DH was on my side (most of the time). I eventually stopped her seeing my DD. You have my utmost sympathy OP

IggyPoppers · 11/03/2019 19:43

There's nothing wrong with disengaging OP. Being a stepmother is hard work. I'd lock up all your stuff when she's there. If her parents are sorting it now it's going to be w rough few years. If there's any small way to foster any positive interaction then do it. Leave biscuits you made and then disappear with a breezy - I thought you'd like these. I know she's driving you batshit but she's a very troubled kid. Go for any tiny positive and lock up and be scarce.

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 19:53

Thanks so much, it may not change anything but knowing I’m not going out of my mind and others have experienced this sort of thing is calming.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 19:56

Are you just ignoring posters asking about your dh, or pointing out that the whole thing sounds utterly miserable?!

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 11/03/2019 20:02

DH has his faults but the issue is not with him. There are very many reasons to stay with him, for Better for worse. I won’t allow her to drive us apart.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 11/03/2019 20:04

It might take you a while, but eventually you’ll realise being unsupported and not believed in a marriage is poison.

You’re being very cavalier with your future, but that’s your choice to make.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 11/03/2019 20:06

Hi OP

I'm sorry I know you really really don't want to hear this but this won't get resolved with your husband being like this - he's acting like an absolute shit. Both to you by minimising what's happening and effectively calling you a liar, and to his daughter - ignoring bad behaviour is not parenting and will not benefit her in the long run.

Without his support you won't be able to change the situation. Sure you can lock up all your belongings and avoid her in your own home but that isn't really a practical or long term solution.

He is gaslighting you and effectively encouraging her bad behaviour

HermioneWeasley · 11/03/2019 20:07

Your company gave absolute proof of when the laptop was used and he still refused to accept she’d done something which could have got you sacked.

She’s not driving a wedge, he’s allowing her to.

IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 20:07

I promise you, the issue absolutely is with him. Not solely. But he’s the one who’s supposed to be your partner, the one you can talk to and rely on.

I mean, yeah she’s a nightmare. But you can’t even talk to him in case he thinks you’re making up lies about a child...really??

Samind · 11/03/2019 20:08

Can you encourage either parent to go through school/GP route?. I imagine thay would be impossible if they're both in denial. If she's causing you real heartache OP, be civil and stay clear. Also have you ever asked her why she behaves the way she does? Not after she's done something but when she appears calm or in front of her father? etc

TedAndLola · 11/03/2019 20:10

Your husband is a shit.

thefirst48 · 11/03/2019 20:11

Your scared of a 14 year old!

MotsDHeureGoussesRames · 11/03/2019 20:14

Ahhh OP. Whilst you are determined that you won't leave your DH, you unfortunately don't have a leg to stand on! She isn't going to stop her behaviour until her father provides some boundaries and shows her that you are an adult worthy of respect. You are blind if you think this isn't a DH issue. HE has an issue with his DD - but YOUR issue is with him. He won't back you up and would rather say you are mistaken than deal with his DD. It's pretty much gaslighting behaviour. It isn't her driving you apart - it's him. You are committed to your marriage vows but how is he fulfilling his by not being prepared to stand up for YOU? You deserve better and you won't ever win this fight. She will ALWAYS be his DD and he isn't going to face the truth. Can you live with this for the rest of your life? Yes, one day she'll move out... but that doesn't mean the issue with your DH will go away.

LordNibbler · 11/03/2019 20:26

I'm gonna be harsh here. But the only person whose fault this is is yours. You're allowing this to happen and you are unwilling to do anything about it. People can only treat you in the way that you allow them to. I'm not sure what you're expecting people to tell you. You're obviously going to continue to accept this appalling behaviour from both of them

Bbang · 11/03/2019 20:32

Do what I did (before the arse left me that is) and record the devious little git. Mine used to tell her mum and dad I’d pushed her down the stairs, bitten her, pulled her hair etc. Really dangerous lies that could of had far reaching life changing consequences so I bought cameras off amazon and put them in the house without telling anyone and got her on camera lying about me, spitting on me, stealing, destroying things and even more worrying that we didn’t know about caught her hitting, pushing, nipping etc my DS and DD.

Nothing wrong with her, just a spoilt little shit that was never given any form of consequences from her mother who believed every word and father who was your typical Disney land dad.

I made copies and emailed the footage to her dad, mum, the head teacher pretty much everyone she’d ever lied about me too basically.

InsertFunnyUsername · 11/03/2019 20:33

Well you could avoid her if you wanted to, but that wont solve anything she will be around for a good while OP, its best you actually tackle the issue.

I feel for you OP, situation sounds awful! If i was in your position i would have to pull her up on these kind of things and if my DH didn't support me, it would show me i am the outsider in my own marriage!

IvanaPee · 11/03/2019 20:37

@Bbang your life sounds like some sort of bad thriller movie Shock

LaBelleSauvage · 11/03/2019 20:47

A girl I knew at school claimed to have run her stepmother's toothbrush under the rim of the toilet.

Children this age can be really vindictive and it sounds like your SD is- I think you need to put a stop to it and have a serious discussion with DH before something more serious happens.

Avoiding her is not the answer.

HarrysOwl · 11/03/2019 20:55

Avoiding anything isn't the answer.

OP I don't think you necessarily have a big problem with your DH or need to consider leaving him or anything quite as dramatic as that - but there are obvious issues with your DSD and the only way those can be tackled is by you and your DH being on the same page.

If you do have a good marriage and he's a guy worth your love, trust and respect then he will listen to you, step up and begin to take steps to make things better.

Imagine if a friend had written your post - what would you advise them to do?

VladmirsPoutine · 11/03/2019 20:56

You keep saying it's not your DH you have a problem with but it actually is. You won't manage to reason with this particular 14 year old so how do you see this whole thing ending? To be very frank it's him that should be actively taking the lead in tackling this behaviour. By the sounds of it she's going to keep upping the ante; where do you think it will end?