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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hygiene and possibly ASD

24 replies

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 12:33

My DF - DSS is 25, showers 1/2 week, never uses anything but bar of soap, no lynx or deodorant, he is 6,3 and 20 stone, lives with DF, And works part time at mcds, wears same clothes for week, ruins clothes by wearing them constantly, does cook but only sausages mash beans, rustlers burgers, and ready meals, in microwave! Was diagnosed with ADHD in infants,
Never had any support, his mum in denial, won’t seek help or anything.
DF wishes to make him homeless for his own good? So he gets support required, so council flat/ support worker and diagnoses?

How does that work?

Poor guy has no friends, just Xbox ones! Never goes out just to work!
He very intelligent on trains cars mechanics

AIBU to think his DM should seek gp referral?

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 11/03/2019 12:42

Why does your DF think the council will step in and home DSS? They won't! There are many, many young people who have nowhere to go: I used to work at a Jobcentre and the lack of housing for single people is a massive problem. This young man can clearly cope, so assisted housing/sheltered accommodation would not be available to him. 'making him homeless for his own good' sounds horrible: are you sure it's not for DF's sake? Is DF sick of him? If DF and DSS's DM are still together and the 3 of them live in the same house then I think it would actually be cruel to kick him out - he clearly has issues. He would need a proper diagnosis of ASD/whatever it is BEFORE any help would be offered. I think your DF either has a very idealised idea of what would happen to DSS, or he doesn't really care. I presume they have tried to help him have better hygiene? Sometimes people need a helping hand, and shoving them out of the door and slamming it behind them is not the way to go. I don't see what he eats as being relevant as there are lots of people who eat convenience foods - I did it a lot when cooking for myself when I was single.

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 12:44

DF wishes to make him homeless for his own good?

Please don't let them do this, there's not going to be some magical help appear. At 25 he really needs to see the Gp himself if he wants to.

Basically the only issues are hygiene and limited diet, how do you think being homeless would address this?

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 12:53

My DSis goes round and he clearly doesn’t know boundaries, taps her on head, kisses her frequently, cuddles her, tells her she hot, I think it jokingly but even I am concerned in his world, he sees her more than step sister?

Boundaries are discussed and it changes then changes back!
Same with hygiene, keeping everyone awake, the bedroom floor is beyond disgusting, he helps himself to other food, doesn’t but household stuff!

It on going yes DF wants him out, sick of being skint all the time, he pays rent doesn’t cover his outgoings let alone his share of bills,
Been looking for full time work but only has Xbox how does he apply for jobs?

DF agreed a few years not 6!
His mum agrees he got to go? He been told many times he needs to leave? What else can they do?

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 11/03/2019 12:54

The thing is, ADHD aside (which certainly wouldn't qualify anyone to jump to the top of a housing list) DSS sounds like many people I have dealt with in my previous job: young man, loves computer games, eats convenience food, and doesn't wash very often. It does not automatically mean that all - or any - of them had ASD. Getting an ASD diagnosis can take years, and based on what you've said here - if this was the main things you are basing it on - he wouldn't get it anyway. Kicking him out to fend for himself - which would mean less washing, less food, and as he wouldn't be able to play his beloved computer games he may get depressed, he may lose his job … yes he has issues, but they are around hygiene/health/social interaction: none of these will improve by being kicked out of his home.

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 12:56

My DSis ex DP walked away, couldn’t stand being in the same house as him! He used to come down when he come in and stare then go back up!

Cat sitter who came to house to look after cat feed it, she was scared he attack her! It ongoing issues!

OP posts:

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 12:57

They can’t sell house has they want to view his room, and it need fumigation and new carpets plaster new furniture, 4 beds in 4 years!

OP posts:

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 12:59

But if they were actually cruel enough to throw him out when it's not really deserved, yes hygiene and gaming may be an issue to you. But where's he going to go? He won't get housed so he will either sofa surf, oops no he can't do that because he has no friends, so he's going to be living on the streets...

It would have to take a damn sight more for me to throw a child out. And by that I mean criminal activity that put the rest of the family at serious risk.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 11/03/2019 13:00

DF wishes to make him homeless for his own good? So he gets support required, so council flat/ support worker and diagnoses?

This will not get him a support worker and diagnosis. Christ sakes! What is wrong with this board today? He needs to start the ball rolling with his GP.

He can leave home, 25, privately rent, apply for HB

And frankly, your DF and his wife, if they think kicking someone out with a disability is a brilliant idea, they need their noodles probed.

Piffle11 · 11/03/2019 13:02

A diagnosis of ASD isn't going to magically appear: first point of contact is a GP. If he won't go then maybe his DM needs to speak with the GP and explain situation, see what can be done. Kicking him out will be putting him on the streets. There is no magical support system, with flats and support workers. I've dealt with vulnerable 16 year old girls who can't get a flat, never mind a 25 year old man. I realise it must be difficult for your DF and his DW, but I think this attitude is awful. You can't on the one hand claim he has ASD and then on the other threaten to kick him out: if they genuinely believe that ASD is a factor, then they - and I believe it's 'they' rather than 'him' if he does have ASD - need to get the ball rolling towards diagnosis.

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 13:04

Just a thought, is your step mother putting your father over her own son? If so, why?

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 13:04

DF gave him 3k to give him head start and he wasted it! It not like they not helped him!

OP posts:

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 13:07

Numpty my son is autistic, he's younger but at 25 he'd be the same, you give him £3k and he would waste the lot in under a week. Why would they give him money when they probably knew he wasn't financially savvy and then threaten to chuck him out.

Honestly it's sounding more like he'd be better off just leaving rather than this.

Am I right in thinking then that your sm is only going along with this because if she didn't your dh would leave?

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 13:07

Step mum, given him money for houseshare, helped with hygiene clothes, behaviour, he scares people like he gonna attack them, they can’t go away due to this, they at the end of their tethers!

His DM didn’t want him moving in with at all! There only so much someone can take! DM is going to Australia, and DF doesn’t think he can go so they enough issues anyhow!

OP posts:

Piffle11 · 11/03/2019 13:12

It sounds as though you've all decided that you want him out: you're saying he makes everyone feel uncomfortable, he smells, and now he wastes money. And this is someone who you believe has a serious disability. My DS has ASD and I thank the powers that be that I'm his mum, as I will love, care for and fight for him every day. That poor DSS can't claim the same, he's clearly just an inconvenience.

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 13:15

Me and DSis have agreed to put deposit and first month rent down but we not sure whether this is good idea as he prob end back up at DF

At 25 friend son with autism/ ADHD has a council flat, and uses support group

OP posts:

Original poster

Numptysod · 11/03/2019 13:17

I am taken everyone advise, but end of story is, if DF and step mum go to Australia, what can we do to support him in his own home?

OP posts:

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 13:17

I feel very sorry for the poor lad, not wanted by his mother or step father.

Is his actual father on the scene?

Piffle11 · 11/03/2019 13:20

If you want support, you need a DIAGNOSIS!!! Otherwise he will end up homeless, or will need private accommodation. I can't believe his DM is moving to Aus and leaving him (and you, by the sound of it) to it.

QuirkyQuark · 11/03/2019 13:20

Numpty he may never be able to live independently.

I accept that my son may never have the skills to live alone and will live with us as an adult.

10IAR · 11/03/2019 13:23

To access the support he needs it sounds as though he needs further assessment.

Adult social work is a good place to start, and his GP if he'll speak to them.

It sounds very much as though he is in desperate need of proper support. Kicking him out really won't get it.

Waveysnail · 11/03/2019 13:27

Can his dad make a GP appointment for him and take him? If he's diagnosed he can start medication which could be game changer - has been in our family.

Chouetted · 11/03/2019 13:30

You all sound crazy - scared like he's going to attack you?

Does he actually attack people? Because that's a serious issue.

If he hasn't physically attacked anyone by 25, it seems unlikely he's suddenly going to start. So does he attack people or not?

Chouetted · 11/03/2019 13:34

I say this as someone who is also tall, overweight, and can apparently appear threatening to shorter people. I'd never hurt a fly (well, I might shout a bit if it really hurt me), but obviously they don't know that.

EmeraldShamrock · 11/03/2019 14:03

Tbf the more you post it sounds like he has ASD the obessive and possessive behaviour, social isolation.
Kicking him out will not help, lots of familys find this is their situation, especially with high function ASD in their adult children. There is no help or support.
Can they afford a private assessment, then your DF SM can contact adult social services, I can understand why he and other family members are stressed out by him, they might be able to help with housing, these things are best helped in childhood, it is late hopefully not to late.

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