To think DS having a girlfriend online is not a proper girlfriend?

[sugartrex]

DS is 18 has a girlfriend who he has known for 3 years. He does FaceTime her and call her but has never met the girl. I have always been very much "how can you be in a relationship if you haven't met someone". He is extremely offended which I do understand but what can you do? When family ask about him or something, I say he is single which he thinks is unfair. Who is unreasonable here?

Surely he has a long distance girlfriend, not that he's single?

I'm with disorganisedmum, I wouldn't mock the relationship but I'd be gutted that my 18yo was invested in an online relationship like this.

I’m not disputing that you can be lied to in real life. But the first step to verify someone is to meet them. Doesn’t mean there aren’t lots more steps following that.

I don't think its necessarily a case of lying, or even exaggerating to impress. My (limited) experience of online dating is that I need to meet potential matches quickly, before I start projecting my unreasonable expectations onto some poor guy who never claimed to be any of the things I am hoping for.

Only by meeting someone in the flesh can you find out that they have a goofy walk, or are unable to relax in a social environment, etc. Luckily most people are in a position to meet fairly soon, because that is what they want - to actually MEET someone. I question what someone really wants, if they haven't chosen to do that in 3 years.

If he's a teenager, though, funding an international trip and going safely on his own is a big ask. I'd argue even moreso for the girl.

Yes it’s weird in 3 years they haven’t met, maybe they could be classed as friends but it’s not a relationship.

There is long distance and then there is never met in person. If they haven’t met in 3 years then they have no intention of doing so.

Is a correspondence a relationship? Not sure?

(What’s a catfish situation, btw?)

A colleague has a 25 year old DS with Aspergers had an online girlfriend for years from a tiny town in Texas, they married two years ago, he is working and living is Texas now.

A catfish is a person is someone lying about who they are in order to be in a relationship by avoiding Skype/phone calls etc. There's a whole show on this.

This doesn't seem like a catfish situation in that he knows she is who she says she is because they FaceTime

He feels he is in a relationship. What does it matter if it's not what you'd call a relationship. He thinks he is so you should say he is.

And alternatively I know married people who don't look like they're in a relationship 😂

Madcat

Thank you. Popular culture isn’t really my thing. Feel edgy being on here

I think I would be very proud if my 18 yr old son was in a relationship like this, he isn't just after one thing like a lot his age, he has obviously found a deep and meaningful connection with someone which is something to be admired.
I don't see how it is any different from a normal relationship to be honest, he is sharing his most intimate feelings and emotions with her and has a deep emotional connection. Kissing someone etc, does not make a relationship, the connection and commitment do.

Sorry I fell asleep and only just got on. Thank you so much for responding. He hasn't met her because of funds (they were both 15 when they first met through both having an Instagram page for their artwork) and she lives in Sweden and us the UK, they do plan to meet when they both can afford to (they are both full time students) but I personally think they aren't considered in a relationship until they have met, yes once they met and are long distance that's different.

My son is sociable and has some really great friends and he is out a lot with them. He has female friends and a couple have even come to the house and he's very much "I'm in a relationship with X (girl online) they are just here to do some work" I don't know, I'd really rather he was meeting girls in real life and enjoying all that young romance that I remember. He says why would he want to do that when he knows the person who fits him better is the one online and I do understand what he's saying but I don't know.

I realise although I think my feelings are fine I should probably stop mentioning it all together and let him get on with it.

If he's a teenager, though, funding an international trip and going safely on his own is a big ask. I'd argue even moreso for the girl

At 15 it would be difficult. At 18? Not really. Not if you really want to. I was chambermaiding in Germany by 17, on a J1 Visa to the US at 18. Ryanair fly to Sweden - he would presumably stay with her family, after conversation between the parents.

But only if they both really wanted to.

I think internet romances are appealing when the prospect of a real relationship is a bit too scary. So in that sense I wouldn’t mind if it were my son. At least he isn’t going to get her pregnant

That’s not to say it can’t all end in tears though. I knew someone, a women in her late 20s, who had an American internet boyfriend. He was going to move to the UK so they could make a proper go of things. Except... when push came to shove he broke it off.

The only concern I would have is does she consider him her boyfriend? I would be concerned that one thinks the relationship is more than the other. It can be pretty cheap to fly to Sweden so perhaps it's time they met.

I realise although I think my feelings are fine I should probably stop mentioning it all together and let him get on with it.

Very true. One of the key skills for parents of teenagers is knowing when to keep our mouths shut

I think I would be very proud if my 18 yr old son was in a relationship like this

I would be gutted. I would feel he's missing out on real life experiences and opportunities for a real-life relationship are passing him by. To be honest, I think it's ridiculous. I met my partner on-line but we met up within a few weeks and our relationship didn't start til we met in real-life.

I agree, it's a way he can be in a relationship 'easily'. Maybe he doesn't want to in the real world.

I think I would be very proud if my 18 yr old son was in a relationship like this

The more I think about that, the more upset I would be! At only 18, he should be experiencing real life, what a waste.

I would also be really concerned that he's imagining his "girlfriend" as an ideal she is not, which is easily done when you are not face to face. The day he has a real human person in front of him, he could be very disappointed.

I’d be wary of her being a fake. It’s not unknown for people to tell lies online. She could be older, or not female, or using someone else’s photos, etc.

Encourage him to organise a meeting IRL. Otherwise it's just infatuation with pixels on a screen while real life and opportunities might pass him by.

@VelvetPineapple OP said they facetime a lot, I doubt she's catfishing if she's having video calls with him all the time, he will know what she looks like.

I don't know, I'd really rather he was meeting girls in real life and enjoying all that young romance that I remember.

Totally fair way to feel OP, but you won't convince him to end things by constantly badgering him saying his relationship isn't real. If anything that will have the opposite effect.

If he's happy, it's not a waste

If he does meet someone IRL he will probably re evaluate things.

Anyway not everyone's youth is full of romance. Mine certainly wasn't. It would have been nice to at least have an online connection to talk with.