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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DS having a girlfriend online is not a proper girlfriend?

100 replies

sugartrex · 11/03/2019 01:36

DS is 18 has a girlfriend who he has known for 3 years. He does FaceTime her and call her but has never met the girl. I have always been very much "how can you be in a relationship if you haven't met someone". He is extremely offended which I do understand but what can you do? When family ask about him or something, I say he is single which he thinks is unfair. Who is unreasonable here?

OP posts:
Al2O3 · 11/03/2019 05:31

Two things;

Do you dislike her?

When our first astronauts get sling-shotted to Mars and are out of contact for five years, will their relationships cease to exist?

SoaringSwallow · 11/03/2019 05:52

If you spend three years talking to someone intimately, you're in a relationship. It's likely they have a very deep connection. They'll know far more about each other than conventional couples their age. It's not a relationship in the way we think of them traditionally - obviously they've never even held hands, never mind kissed. There will be a lot of fantasising going on, which makes things different when they do actually hold hands or get physical.

So it's best to go along with him. She's probably his first love and you'll gain nothing by denying that feeling. And if (when) they ever break up, he will likely be devastated. He'll need support and it'll be difficult for him to accept any from you if he knows you didn't even consider it real.

velourvoyageur · 11/03/2019 05:55

If I wanted to call someone a girlfriend and it wasn't harming anyone then I would definitely be resentful if someone kept taking opportunities to tell me not call them that.
It does smack a bit of wanting to keep him in his place and cut him down down to size, tbh, as if having a girlfriend means possessing some sort of social capital which you absolutely mustn't claim to have if you don't have it. Who cares if he's wrong and why do you need to keep reminding him of it? Sometimes what you have to say is not so important that it Must Be Heard.

'Girlfriending' is a naming exercise, like agreeing on a contract, the agreement is the crux of it, so if I call you mine and you call me yours then that's it.
Just be nice to your son!

Fazackerley · 11/03/2019 05:58

I'd feel the same as you OP but I'd try and be nice about it for ds sake.

Damntheman · 11/03/2019 08:44

You're being petty and cruel to contradict how he feels about if he's in a relationship or not. You can know someone even better online than you do in person sometimes, and maybe lengthy marriages have started out with long distance online relationships. He's your son, support him. He says he's in a relationship? Then he is, until he and his partner decide that they're no longer together. Stop being mean, what purpose can denying he's in a relationship possibly serve for you??

HeddaGarbled · 11/03/2019 08:53

I don’t think it’s your call. If he wants to say it’s a relationship that’s up to him and you should stop making an argument out of it. If family ask, you can just say something like “there’s a girl he’s internet friends with” and leave it at that.

It’s OK for you to think whatever you want to think about this, but you do need to keep your opinion to yourself, as you will need to many more times in the future.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/03/2019 08:55

I think how your son wants to define a relationship he's had for three years, is probably up to him and the other party and not you OP.
Why have they not met just out of interest?

What is the purpose of goading him by saying it's not a proper relationship? It seems quite a spiteful and immature thing to keep piping up with to be honest, and he's only going to resent you for it. Leave him be to do his own thing, relationships take many forms and none of them need to please anybody other than the people in them.

LagunaBubbles · 11/03/2019 08:57

Surely it's whst he thinks that matters? Have they any plans to meet?

ShatnersWig · 11/03/2019 08:59

This is the equivalent of a pen friendship back in the dark old days of no internet or mobile phones. But let them call it what they want.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 11/03/2019 09:00

YABU; he has a girlfriend.

How would you feel if your husband was spending this much emotional investment and time in another woman he met online?

RaspberryBubblegum · 11/03/2019 09:01

If your OH was messaging and facetiming a woman for 3 years it wouldn't count as cheating then because he's never met her? I think it counts.

Bluntness100 · 11/03/2019 09:03

What do you get out of denying him and his feelings? Irrelevant of your personal opinion their is no need to put him down and deny him publicly.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/03/2019 09:04

You say "what can I do", well firstly I doubt you are constantly being asked about your sons romantic life - obviously you keep mentioning it to people. So you can stop that.

I think this is the crux of it. Why does this have to be an ongoing topic of conversation? He thinks it’s real, you don’t - but you’ve said your piece and don’t need to keep saying it again and again in the hope he’ll eventually agree.

Iooselipssinkships · 11/03/2019 09:07

When I was a teen I had an 'internet' boyfriend. I went on to meet him eventually and we were together a while.
He was a complete twatbag though but he could've been equally a twatbag if I'd met him in another situation.
I think you should acknowledge this relationship as it clearly means something to him and they may eventually meet. I agree with a pp it doesn't need to be physical but is more about a connection, which again they clearly have to be facetiming and being in contact so much.

0ccamsRazor · 11/03/2019 09:10

How do you feel op after reading all of these replies?

Rezie · 11/03/2019 09:11

While I'm a bit sceptical on relationships between people who have never met. But then again it is none of my business I people choose to do that. In this case it is really his call to decode if he thinks he is an a relationship. He thinks so and that's the only option that matters (also hers).

Reluctantme · 11/03/2019 09:14

YABU. If they have agreed they are boyfriend/ girlfriend then they are! A relative of mine had an online ‘friend’ for several years late teens/ early twenties. Two years ago she suddenly moved to the other side of the country to live with him. It’s just a new way if meeting.

southbucks77 · 11/03/2019 09:15

Read this story and tell me if you think this boy did not have “proper” friends!

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/disability-47064773

Just because his relationship is not the same as what you would choose for yourself does not mean it’s not a “proper” relationship.

corythatwas · 11/03/2019 09:17

Why is it important to you to determine whether he is in a relationship or not?

Dvg · 11/03/2019 09:27

met my partner 4 years ago online, moved in together after 6 months and now he is my husband and we have 2 kids, Were perfectly happy... i think it can be a proper relationship yes, i fell in love with my husband online and he was exactly the same personality in real life.

CaseofEllen · 11/03/2019 09:30

YABU! I now own a house with and have a DS with my online boyfriend. If they consider themselves in a relationship you don't have a right to consider them otherwise.

Inliverpool1 · 11/03/2019 09:32

Be careful my ex’s 14 year old don crossed the country to be with an online 4: year old drug addict and police refused to intervene or return him

Inliverpool1 · 11/03/2019 09:32

43 year old drug addict

TatianaLarina · 11/03/2019 09:33

I agree with you OP. A virtual relationship with someone you’ve never met is not a relationship.

It can become a proper full blown relationship, but it is not yet.

I would call her an online gf, or an online friend. If they’re not doing cybersex she’s more of a friend.

ForInstance · 11/03/2019 09:39

I’m in my early 30s and had a boyfriend whom I met online from age 14-18. Looking back on it now I think - yikes, it could easily have been a dangerous situation and I wouldn’t let a DD of mine do similar - but as it happened he was a sweet boy a year older than me. We didn’t meet for nearly 2 years and then it became a normal long distance relationship. We’d travel to see each other every holiday. I still think of him as my first love Smile

So based on my experience... YABU not to take the relationship seriously when he asks you to, and YAB a little U not to be a bit more concerned about his safety. I get that they Facetime (didn’t exist in my day!) but you do need to emphasise safety if he is going to go in for online relationships in future.

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