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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DS having a girlfriend online is not a proper girlfriend?

100 replies

sugartrex · 11/03/2019 01:36

DS is 18 has a girlfriend who he has known for 3 years. He does FaceTime her and call her but has never met the girl. I have always been very much "how can you be in a relationship if you haven't met someone". He is extremely offended which I do understand but what can you do? When family ask about him or something, I say he is single which he thinks is unfair. Who is unreasonable here?

OP posts:
KismetJayn · 11/03/2019 09:40

They are invested enough to spend all their time and romantic energy on each other, of course that's a relationship.

I know one particular woman who crossed continents for the person she had been talking to online since we were thirteen. They are married with a dog.

Others I know started less young but met their partners online. Discussion forums mean you will meet people with similar interests. Online games mean you will meet people with similar hobbies. Surely that's actually a better indicator of compatibility than meeting some random in the pub?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 11/03/2019 09:40

How far away does she live?

If she lives in Australia, that would be one thing (although most 18 year olds would have been distracted by a real life girl before now). If she lives in the UK I would question whether he really wants a girlfriend, as opposed to a friend and the public semblance of a girlfriend.

Either way, no pregnancy worries is good! But yes, at his current age I can understand why you are starting to question the situation.

Damntheman · 11/03/2019 09:43

You'd be okay with your DP having a similar kind of intense online friendship with another woman then Tatiana?

FaithFrank · 11/03/2019 09:45

YABU it's his relationship and it's up to the two of them how to conduct it.

What harm does it do to tell the wider family he has a girlfriend? Why not have a little consideration for his feelings?

TatianaLarina · 11/03/2019 09:52

You'd be okay with your DP having a similar kind of intense online friendship with another woman then Tatiana?

No, but it doesn’t make it a real relationship.

Until two people meet in real life they cannot verity that all the other person has said about themselves is true, not can they know whether they can make it work in real life. Some online stuff translates to real life and some doesn’t.

thedisorganisedmum · 11/03/2019 10:02

I wouldn't try to hurt his feelings, but I would be really sad if my 18 year old was focusing on an online relationship with someone he's never met instead of enjoying his youth and having fun.

I would try my best to get him out of his screens and meet real people.

HazelBite · 11/03/2019 10:07

Ds3 is married to the American girl he met online (due to a shared interest)
I was nervous for him when he upped and off to the US the first time. he came home happy and safe, and I loved her too when I met her.
Their relationship carried on 10 years prior to their marriage.
Ds3 is quite a complex character, and she is very good for him.

KismetJayn · 11/03/2019 10:10

But @tatiana, people in real life are capable enough of lying, often with more immediate reward.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:12

Is he on the spectrum by any chance OP?

And the same question to you concerning your DS Hazel?

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:15

What harm does it do to tell the wider family he has a girlfriend.?

Apart from the fact that it will prompt dozens of questions along the lines of ‘so when will we meet her then?’ which, when forced to answer honestly, will make look odd and foolish?

No harm whatsoever.

Dafspunk · 11/03/2019 10:18

Who are you to decide what makes her a girlfriend and what doesn’t? Surely it’s up to the two people in the relationship.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:23

Dafspunk This is how people end up married to their dog. Or identifying as a non-binary guinea pig.

BillywigSting · 11/03/2019 10:28

I'll just tell my three sets of now happily married friends who met online and had online contact only for years due to money that they weren't in relationships either then shall I?

YABVVU.

It's quite frankly none of your business to decide whether or not he is single at his age either way anyway.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:34

No one is saying it’s not a perfectly viable way to meet people and get to know them well Billy and of course people will often start to fall in love that way.

But being in an intimate relationship does pretty much depend on being physically intimate to at least some extent and that requires physical presence.

BroomstickOfLove · 11/03/2019 10:39

I know several people who were in long-distance online relationships for ages before meeting their partners in real life. And I wouldnt think someone for foolish for saying "we meet online doing X but haven't met in real life yet because she lives in Y". I think it sounds a lot more foolish to insist someone is single when they are in a long distance relationship.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:40

For example, I was watching one of those border force programmes the other day. A man in his 60s from Switzerland had turned up at quite short notice in Thailand to visit his online girlfriend of three years as he had never yet met her and was tired of waiting and wanted to propose in person.

He was bewildered to find she was not there at the airport to meet him as promised. When he tried to ring her she wasn’t answering her phone.

Eventually the airport staff phoned her on a different local number and she answered it. Turns out she was married with three children and understandably quite reluctant to meet him.

At this point I think he would have realised that this ‘girlfriend’ was not actually his girlfriend at all.

Dafspunk · 11/03/2019 10:42

Well, Ellensburgh, I just hope OP’s son and his girlfriend are one day as happily married as me and my protandrous clownfish.

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:43

😂

adaline · 11/03/2019 10:48

Until two people meet in real life they cannot verity that all the other person has said about themselves is true

My ex lied about the fact that he was still married and had three children. We lived together, were engaged and I'd met his family. I had absolutely no idea about his wife or children. He was married and had never bothered to get divorced - never told me about it, never told me about the children - nothing. I had absolutely no idea. I knew he had children that I'd met and had slept over with us - so that explained the child support. But I had no idea he had three OTHER children that he hadn't seen or mentioned throughout our entire relationship.

People lie. That's not remotely unique to people who you met on the internet.

DoNotBlameMeIVotedRemain · 11/03/2019 10:56

Can't you just say he's in a long distance relationship? It does seem odd they haven't met if she lives the UK.

Mookatron · 11/03/2019 10:56

I think you're being really dismissive and, well, horrid actually.

By all means warn him of the risks of an online relationship but I really don't see why it makes the slightest difference to you what they call the relationship. If she gets pregnant and claims it's his, that's when you need to worry...

Ellenborough · 11/03/2019 10:58

Not unique but probably far more likely.

TatianaLarina · 11/03/2019 11:01

That's not remotely unique to people who you met on the internet.

Whoever said it was?

KismetJayn · 11/03/2019 11:04

I don't even think it IS more likely. People lie for sex and money. In a relationship online with no sex, if no money is changing hands, and it is long term...

It's hardly more likely with no outer gain than someone in real life who is likely to enjoy immediate benefits for lying.

adaline · 11/03/2019 11:07

Well @TatianaLarina you said you can't verify what people are saying until you meet in real life. I'm saying you can meet someone in real life and still be lied to. Where you meet someone doesn't really make a difference to how honest someone is going to be - a liar is a liar.

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