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AIBU?

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Original poster

My 5 year-old daughter

65 replies

BillR1 · 10/03/2019 21:40

Dear Reader,

I had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner and see my 5 year old daughter once week (on a Saturday or Sunday) at my ex-partner’s apartment. I have a pretty good relationship with my ex-partner and the situation has been working well. I live with and care for my elderly mother. I make the trip to my daughter’s place every weekend (almost without fail). It’s about 90 mins one way by public transport.

Recently, when I set off for home from my daughter’s place I’ve been starting to struggle with how to say good bye to her. She seems a bit sad when I leave and asks me lots of questions like what do you do at home? Where do you work? It makes me feel a bit sad too to be honest.

I am seeking advice on 2 areas; firstly how to say goodbye in the best (most positive) way when I leave? And secondly, would reducing my time to 2 visits per month make things any better? I have to admit the weekly journey is starting to take a toll on me however I don’t want my daughter thinking that I’m reducing the time because I don’t want to see her.

Any ideas/suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thank you

Will

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 10/03/2019 21:44

I don’t think you should reduce the time you spend with her , I understand you are looking after your mum but is an overnight stay at yours not a possibility?

EdHelpPls · 10/03/2019 21:45

My dds see their dad at least weekly and the 5 year old can get a little bit upset when he drops her off.
For us it only lasts less than 3 minutes and she’s into something else. She would maybe mention him once in the week but never wants to call him etc.

I’d def discuss with your ex and find out what she’s like after. I’d def suggest not to drop time and would prob offer to call/FaceTime/Skype as it might be the amount of time between visits feels too long for her.

DaveCoachesgavemetheclap · 10/03/2019 21:45

The only advice I can give is don't cut the visits. Your priority is your daughter.

pumpkinpie01 · 10/03/2019 21:45

Also do you make contact with her in the week ? FaceTime ?

homemadegin · 10/03/2019 21:46

Hi op. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your daughter. I'm a family law solicitor. In my experience there, rather than personal, each alternate weekend works well if overnight incorporated.

You say you get on well with ex. Is this something you could now move on to? So your daughter would see your home and have some of her questions answered.

Perhaps also introducing, if you don't already, some phone contact. Two weeks can be a long time at this age, I would be reluctant to suggest dropping to that without increasing the time spent.

Ihatesandwiches · 10/03/2019 21:49

The fact you have posted means you care...
Is there any way you could spend MORE time with your daughter? My DD really misses her Dad - we split up when she was tiny - facetime and seeing him every week helps her feel loved.
I understand the commute is tough, but maybe Mum could meet you in thr middle so you could have a meal together?
On the saying goodbye front you need to keep it snappy, "love you, see you on X day, have fun at x, y or z" and leave, even if she is upset. Lingering prolongs the agony.

Beeziekn33ze · 10/03/2019 21:56

She might enjoy getting the occasional postcard from you as well as FaceTime.

Mustgetonwithit · 10/03/2019 21:57

If you lived with her she would already know the answer to these questions. Shes 5 so becoming more curious and asking cos she doesnt know. Once dcs have an answer they simply move onto the next thing. Maybe if she visited yr home then you wouldnt seem so mysterious iyswim. I dont think that visiting less will help. You sound very caring. Good luck.

BearFoxBear · 10/03/2019 22:03

Like many people, I travel 2 hours to work and 2 hours back 5 days a week and 90 minutes is taking a toll on you once a week? To see your child??

Can't quite understand the massively sympathetic responses you're getting here when you're basically asking for a 'nice' way to stop seeing your child for every week.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 10/03/2019 22:11

I don't understand the sympathetic responses either. Your question seems to be 'I see my daughter for a few hours a week in her mum's house. She's sad when I leave her but I can't really be arsed driving to see her so should I half my contact with her even though this will make her even more sad and confused?'

peachgreen · 10/03/2019 22:14

Can't believe you only see your daughter once a week and you're trying to find a way to reduce that even further. Jesus.

Knitclubchatter · 10/03/2019 22:18

start off by not saying bye, say "see you next week", maybe make it a bit more enjoyable by asking her if she would like you to bring something?
sorry 90 minutes is not a hardship, quit whining and read a parenting book along the way.
decreasing contact is the most stupid thing i've ever heard. as a matter of fact can you begin facetime once a week inbetween visits?

BearFoxBear · 10/03/2019 22:19

To the responders saying that OP sounds caring. Are you parents and would you deem this an acceptable amount of contact for your own child/children? I'm guessing that because the OP sounds like a man, the child should just be grateful for any attention, no matter how little? What a champ he is!

Jesus wept.

missyB1 · 10/03/2019 22:22

Err perhaps once a week is all his ex has agreed to????

keepforgettingmyusername · 10/03/2019 22:23

So your child wants to spend more time with you and be part of your life and your proposed solution is to halve your visiting time? Confused

CircleofWillis · 10/03/2019 22:25

I agree with PP that it sounds as if she would benefit from more contact time, not less. At five surely she is old enough to stay over with you and I find it strange that she has never visited your house. Now that she is older, visitation shouldn't be limited to her mother's home. It must be intrusive for your ex and confusing for your DD.

MitziK · 10/03/2019 22:26

How about making a scrapbook of things that you do during the week for her? That way, you can talk about the different things, relate them to things she does 'When you were doing that, I was with Nanna watching TV. What TV did you watch?', that kind of thing. And you can plan to take photos of certain things during the week 'I'm going now, but I'll take the picture of the tree with the pretty blossom on so you can see it when I come next week', for example. (and make sure you do). You could send cards with animals she likes, send stickers you can stick in her scrapbook, if you find a pretty feather or leaf, you could put that in - if you're somewhere where she can pick flowers, they can be pressed between kitchen towel and a couple of heavy books and then stuck in.

It can make her feel more connected to you when you're not with her, because she can look at her scrapbook - and it's a nice activity to share with her each week.

Whoops75 · 10/03/2019 22:31

Take photos of your house and place of work, tell her what you do when she is not there.
Do you work full time as a career?
That is a hard job and you’re weekends are busy too. I can understand why you feel exhausted but your daughter needs you. Can you get some respite for your mum?

Take care, it’s hard sometimes to keep all the balls in the air x

BearFoxBear · 10/03/2019 22:39

What's your point missyB1? It's immaterial what the ex has agreed to here. The OP isn't asking for more contact, rather trying to find a way to politely request less.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/03/2019 22:47

Once a week for a few hours is not much. Is there a reason you don't have more contact? If she is sad about you going then the worst thing would be to cut contact. Do you have much phone contact? Could you try ringing her each night (obviously work out with her mum a good time)?

7Pip · 10/03/2019 22:54

I think this is the make or break it age. It's when they start asking questions and understanding the answers.
Halve your time with her if you want. It will break her tiny heart. But do it if you feel that's what you should do...........................
No. If you care about her, now is the time that you make sure that you make every dammed weekend, because she will be all dressed up and bouncing up and down waiting for you.

mantlepiece · 10/03/2019 22:54

Well tell her where you work and anything else she asks about. Why does it make you sad that she is wanting to know about your life?

Maybe she is wanting to see you on your home turf and would like to see her grandmother. Would your exP be agreeable to this? Your DD is getting older now so an overnight stay with you should not be a problem. You could pick her up on a Saturday morning and return her to her mum on the Sunday.

That might fill in some blanks for your DD

icantpickausername · 10/03/2019 22:56

Definitely do not reduce contact. That would only make things worse.

Call her or face time her at least once or twice a week and chat to her about your day and what she was doing at school.

If at all possible ( I know it might be difficult depending on circumstances with your mother) get her over to yours once or twice a month. Or even just a day out with her once a month.

I agree with pps that see you next week is much better than goodbye

7Pip · 10/03/2019 22:56

Is this what you want to teach her? That every man is a dickhead?

You know how they recruit into CIA right?

7Pip · 10/03/2019 23:01

As a little girl growing up, the only man who mattered to me was my Dad. You are her role model as to how men will treat her. Thread carefully.