My 5 year-old daughter

[BillR1]

Dear Reader,

I had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner and see my 5 year old daughter once week (on a Saturday or Sunday) at my ex-partner’s apartment. I have a pretty good relationship with my ex-partner and the situation has been working well. I live with and care for my elderly mother. I make the trip to my daughter’s place every weekend (almost without fail). It’s about 90 mins one way by public transport.

Recently, when I set off for home from my daughter’s place I’ve been starting to struggle with how to say good bye to her. She seems a bit sad when I leave and asks me lots of questions like what do you do at home? Where do you work? It makes me feel a bit sad too to be honest.

I am seeking advice on 2 areas; firstly how to say goodbye in the best (most positive) way when I leave? And secondly, would reducing my time to 2 visits per month make things any better? I have to admit the weekly journey is starting to take a toll on me however I don’t want my daughter thinking that I’m reducing the time because I don’t want to see her.

Any ideas/suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thank you

Will

Yes I agree it is someone checking out whether reactions are different if people think it is a mother or father.
OP in general people do condemn mothers who are absent more than fathers. But there are plenty of women on MN who also condemn absent fathers as well.

I want to say thanks for all the replies. It's good to hear views from such a wide range of people.

I won't reduce the time spent with my daughter ; I'm going to maintain the schedule and slowly get to spend more quality time with her. I really like the idea of the scrapbook, flowers etc..I'm going to do all I can within the constraints that I find myself in.

For those of you who asked about my gender- I'm male.

Thanks again,
Will

I'm assuming as you care for your mum you don't have another job? Caring is flexible, you have plenty opportunity to increase your time with DD, stop being pathetic and step up, put her first not you and your bus journey ffs

I can't understand how the logical conclusion would be to reduce the time you spend with her

I completely read this thread as OP was the mother - strange use of words.

I can't really feel any sympathy for you OP - my husband is pretty deflated if DD isn't awake before he goes to work to say goodbye, never mind only see her a couple of hours a week on a Sunday.

You need to think about starting overnight visits. I understand that caring is very hard but would she be so in the way? Wouldn't your mother like to see her granddaughter too?

Hi again,

I got some courage from the replies I received from this forum.

I have just sent a text to my daughter's mum: 'Had a really good time yesterday. I'd really like to spend more time with my little girl'

Reply from ex: 'I don't think so'

My reply to her: 'Ahh that's sad please don't deny X spending quality time with her dad.'

End of texting

So this is the situation I find myself in.. I don't like confrontation, and certainly don't want to turn this into a legal issue but the thought has crossed my mind.

Will

Try to remain amicable, has there ever been a reason given why she's so rigid on one day and at hers? Have you asked to take her out? To visit your mum?

Will, Given you wanted to reduce contact I think now isn’t the time to increase it.
I think you should aim for quality over quantity. Do what you’re doing and do it well, you got lots of ideas here scrapbook,flowers etc
Suggest adding a Skype call midweek to the schedule

You wanted to reduce contact just the other day!
Cop on

Is there history in the past as to why your only allowed to see your daughter at ex house?

Perhaps ask ex if she would try mediation?

Why won't your partner let you have your child at yours? Is she a bit of a wagon?

I’m disappointed, I can’t see where the usual haters of anyone with a penis have asked how much maintenance you pay your ex partner for your DD.

No don't turn this into a legal issue. And it is always a bad idea to have sensitive conversations through text.
Just texting and saying you want to see your DD more was a spectacularly bad idea. Only yesterday you wanted to reduce contact.
You start off by when you see your DD making an effort to answer her questions. Not complaining about the travel to your ex. THEN suggesting you ring your DD mid week as a regular thing. But only suggest it if you will actually stick to it.

And for gods sake do NOT say you had an unplanned pregnancy. You did not. It was your ex who was pregnant.

Do you know why she has said no?

My parents split up when I was four. I was sad about not seeing my dad a lot of the time, but when he called is when I was able to express that. Don't think she will be less sad if you see it less.

There are lots of ways to keep in touch as well as seeing her, so use those. Send post cards, stickers, little notes and flowers. I agree with PP about a scrapbook starting with pictures of your home.you could then send things for her to add sometimes to flesh out her picture of your life and answer her questions as they come up.