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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 5 year-old daughter

65 replies

BillR1 · 10/03/2019 21:40

Dear Reader,

I had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex-partner and see my 5 year old daughter once week (on a Saturday or Sunday) at my ex-partner’s apartment. I have a pretty good relationship with my ex-partner and the situation has been working well. I live with and care for my elderly mother. I make the trip to my daughter’s place every weekend (almost without fail). It’s about 90 mins one way by public transport.

Recently, when I set off for home from my daughter’s place I’ve been starting to struggle with how to say good bye to her. She seems a bit sad when I leave and asks me lots of questions like what do you do at home? Where do you work? It makes me feel a bit sad too to be honest.

I am seeking advice on 2 areas; firstly how to say goodbye in the best (most positive) way when I leave? And secondly, would reducing my time to 2 visits per month make things any better? I have to admit the weekly journey is starting to take a toll on me however I don’t want my daughter thinking that I’m reducing the time because I don’t want to see her.

Any ideas/suggestions would be much appreciated.

Thank you

Will

OP posts:
Yabbers · 10/03/2019 23:02

Aww you poor love, three hours on a bus once a week to see your daughter must be so stressful.

Maybe ask her mum how stressful it is looking after your child for the entire week 24/7. I’m sure she can give you some tips on how to make things easier for you 🙄

nos123 · 10/03/2019 23:02

My dad decided to see me once every 2 weeks instead of once a week when I was 5 years old. Don’t do it, it was noticeable for me and very upsetting. He started seeing me once a year not long after that.

Nicknacky · 10/03/2019 23:05

Why do you think reducing time with her would help?

Lovingbenidorm · 10/03/2019 23:06

You see your 5yo once a week and feel awkward saying goodbye to her and think you should reduce your visits?
I’m sorry but your post has made me so sad.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 23:13

Could you also have her stay overnight in a school holidays?

Skype is a good suggestion made by a few people.

Reducing contact isn't the answer.

foxandthehound · 10/03/2019 23:18

I wouldn't reduce the visits. I'd Skype her during the week and phone calls etc

7Pip · 10/03/2019 23:20

I guess this guy didn't get the memo they send out at birth.

HappyLife21 · 10/03/2019 23:23

Basically you think that seeing less of her would be helpful because that would mean that she is sad only half the ammount of times. Is this right?

Froglette16 · 10/03/2019 23:35

Don’t reduce contact. After separation my DM hardly ever saw her DF. It made massive emotional issues which she’s still dealing with now in old age. Change visits or make your ex bring DC to you sometimes to ease the stress of travel. But don’t please don’t cut down on your visits. Good luck! And I really mean that. I know it’s hard but don’t stop weekly visits. ❤️

Dvg · 10/03/2019 23:39

do you never take her out? You sound charming o_0

You see her once a week and want to reduce that even further? How about you start taking her out once a week for the full day and when it comes to saying goodbye just say you'll see her next week to do something fun again, at least she will look forward to it.

whywhywhy6 · 10/03/2019 23:42

You need to see her more. I love the scrapbook idea too. Time to step up.

BearFoxBear · 10/03/2019 23:43

"... to ease the stress of travel." FFS I feel like this is some alternative universe MN where men wanting to shirk even more responsibility and disregard their children's welfare are the real victims.

If a mother had written this post the knives would be out for her.

YogaWannabe · 10/03/2019 23:44

Jeez don’t cut your time with her!
My DDs dad makes way more effort commute and time wise than you are at the moment and he most definitely wouldn’t be an shining example of fatherhood.

Why can’t you have her overnight? It’s fine to change arrangements but definitely not reduce.

DoJo · 10/03/2019 23:51

If a 90 minute commute (a normal, everyday occurence for many) and the fact that saying goodbye to your daughter makes you feel 'a bit sad' is enough for you to consider halving the time you spend with her to a few hours a month, then you need to make a decision: either suck it up and make a massive effort to be a better father or stop this now instead of letting it fizzle out and breaking your daughter's heart further down the line.

Mummymummums · 10/03/2019 23:56

Could you increase the time you see her on a visit to two days, with an overnight, at yours? So you collect Friday night or Saturday morning and return her Sunday morning or evening? It'd potentially be better quality time if you get to spend longer doing normal things and she'll get to know your Mum too.
Then do that every other weekend, instead of every weekend. Overall you'd probably see her longer. You could Skype in between.

Ijustwanttochill · 10/03/2019 23:56

Like a lot of others I think it's awful that you would even consider cutting down the contact, and also quite unbelieveable that it is 'taking it's toll on you' doing a journey to see your child once a week. I would go to the ends of the earth to see my child and not think twice about it.
My daughters father is like You, and to be quite honest my view after him being selfish and letting her down numerous times over 11 years is she would probably be better off without him. She's old enough now to realise and voice that she knows he would much rather be doing other things than seeing her, very sad. Your daughter will get to that point no doubt

Mummymummums · 10/03/2019 23:58

Also this would let her see more about your life, which would be good given that she is asking questions

ReallyReallyNo · 11/03/2019 00:06

Is this a joke?

NotTheFordType · 11/03/2019 00:08

Has she ever met your mum?

What happens on your daily phone calls?

Lovingbenidorm · 11/03/2019 00:10

Op,
Can you tell us why your daughter doesn’t live with you?

Smelborp · 11/03/2019 00:12

Please don’t reduce your time. She needs to see where you live and know you better.

clairemcnam · 11/03/2019 00:18

Am I the only one then who thought the OP was the mother?
And agree, the last thing your DD needs is for you to reduce your visits.

Drogosnextwife · 11/03/2019 00:20

No claire, at first I did too. Now I just think whoever the OP is to the child they are a bit of a twat.

clairemcnam · 11/03/2019 00:23

OP you need to say to your DD that you will see her next week when you say bye. But being sad shows she wants to see you, so it is a good sign. Reducing contact would be a very bad move. At 5 a week is a long time, so calls in between would be better.

CoolJule43 · 11/03/2019 08:48

I don't believe this is for real. Dear reader What? Is this for readers of a newspaper?

The OP has gone to great lengths to not state whether they are the father or mother. They use the term 'ex partner' 3 times in the first 2 sentences:

  1. I had an unplanned pregnancy with my ex partner.
  2. I see my daughter at my ex partner's apartment.
  3. I have a pretty good relationship ship with my ex partner.

Surely within two sentences most people would use a 'him' or a 'her'? Signed 'Will' which would make most people think of a male yet sounds very much as if written by a female. How many men would say "I had an unplanned pregnancy"?

Others are confused whether a male or female has written this. It reads to me like someone checking out gender stereotypes.

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