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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DH not to go abroad when I'm 33 weeks pregnant?

102 replies

Kate5555 · 10/03/2019 19:14

1st baby due mid June. DH wants to go for a week to his home country in Europe to visit his mum and other family and friends before the baby is born. His mum usually lives in Asia but will be back in Europe for a few months although isn't being very clear on her plans. He suggested the last week of April when I'll be 33 weeks but I'm concerned if the baby is early then he would miss the birth. I've no reason to think the baby could be early though so not sure if I'm being overly cautious?

I've been really healthy all pregnancy but don't particularly fancy a week by myself in my third trimester although may be able to ask a family member to come to stay with me.

The other issue is cost, with the cheapest flights costing £100-£150 and he could easily spend another £200-£300 while he is there, plus earning nothing for a week (he is self employed). Not a huge unmanageable amount for us but still significant when I feel we need to be saving as much as possible for when baby arrives. We've just got back from 1 week in Tenerife so it's not like he hasn't had a holiday for ages!

I understand he misses his family and his own country, but wish he would wait until next year when we could go together with baby. WIBU to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
newmumwithquestions · 10/03/2019 19:31

I also think he should go. If his mum is usually in Asia then he should take the opportunity to see her in Europe. I know it would be more cost, but you can usually fly up to 35/36 weeks - why not go with him? If you don’t want to because you’re worried about leaving UK healthcare then that’s fine, but I don’t think you should stop him going.

OftenHangry · 10/03/2019 19:31

We've just got back from 1 week in Tenerife so it's not like he hasn't had a holiday for ages!

Trust me. Visiting your family is nothing like holidays. I actually need holidays after that😂 Everyone wants to see you, you just end up running around, meeting everyone and in the end you are shattered.
He should go. Especially considering his mum is (probably) going to be there. Its not like he is going 2 weeks before the due date.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 10/03/2019 19:32

I also think YANBU.
Too late in the pregnancy at the least you need him there for support and worst case scenario you have early labour.
If his mum is able to travel to Europe from where she lives she can also travel to come see him.

SallyWD · 10/03/2019 19:32

He must go. It's important he takes this opportunity to see his mum.

PotteringAlong · 10/03/2019 19:32

33 weeks? Potentially a good 2.5 months before the baby is born? Yes YABU.

Why do you need someone to come and stay with you? Confused

Nomorepies · 10/03/2019 19:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Doghorsechicken · 10/03/2019 19:34

YABU

Leeds2 · 10/03/2019 19:35

I think YABU, and would send DH on his way with my good wishes.

If she is coming to Europe for a few months, if he doesn't see her now she may well end up coming to visit once the baby has arrived and staying for a while. You may or may not appreciate that!

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 10/03/2019 19:35

I think YABU and I’ve had a baby at 32 weeks. If you were having a difficult and high risk pregnancy, I would be more understanding but I don’t think you would have gone to Tenerife in your late second trimester if you had concerns.

Jamhandprints · 10/03/2019 19:36

Of course you should let him see his mum. You are unlikely to have the baby at 33 weeks and you will not need constant care either. Most people are still working at that point with DC1.

SoyDora · 10/03/2019 19:36

33 weeks? YABU. Statistically you are very unlikely to give birth at 33 weeks.
Why would you need a family member to stay with you at 33 weeks?
Not trying to play ‘too trumos’ but DH works away fairly regularly. He didn’t stop his trips away until 36 weeks with this pregnancy (my third) and I had a 5 and 3 year old to look after too.

SoyDora · 10/03/2019 19:36

*trumps!

Original poster
Kate5555 · 10/03/2019 19:38

Thanks for unanimous responses everyone - definitely an over-anxious first time mum-to-be here!! I don't really have any real life friends with kids yet and honestly wasn't sure if I was BU so I'm really glad I asked.

I had not forbid him to go or anything like that, but was feeling a bit unsure about it and wondering if I should share my concerns. I will say nothing about that and help him find good flights!

OP posts:
00100001 · 10/03/2019 19:38

"Too late in the pregnancy at the least you need him there for support and worst case scenario you have early labour"

Too late??Confused It wouldn't be due for around 7 weeks!

And he's in Europe, not bloody New Zealand. He could come home quickly enough if he had to...

It's not as though the time from first contractions to popping the baby out is 10 minutes. ...

helterskelter3 · 10/03/2019 19:38

You should look up the % of babies born by each week. I did when my partner was going away with work a lot in my first pregnancy. I was trying to prove to him how risky it was and ended up telling him it was absolutely fine and ended up enjoying the peace and quiet like PP has said Smile.

Original poster
Kate5555 · 10/03/2019 19:41

Oh and re asking a family member to come to stay with me - tbh it would mostly be to help with the dog while I'm at work to avoid getting a dog walker! And a bit of company as well, although realise its probably unnecessary. My dad is retired and would probably jump at the chance to come and stay that's what I was thinking of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kate5555 · 10/03/2019 19:46

@Leeds2 Us paying for MIL's flights to come to visit the baby has also been suggested (in addition to him going to visit her) but I'm leaving that issue for another day!!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 10/03/2019 19:48

So much can go wrong in pregnancy. I don’t think partners should be leaving for any of it if they have a choice. I personally believe that parents need to be prepared to set everything else aside other than necessary work during the pregnancy and first year or two of life. I recognize not everyone shares that opinion. I am happy to be partnered with someone who holds the belief even more firmly than me.

mangolover · 10/03/2019 19:49

I think yabu and stopping him going because you are jealous which isn't fair.

•You are healthy
•You don't have other kids that need taking care of and running here and there so you get to rest as much as you like, you don't need taking care of at all
•33 weeks is more than a reasonable compromise. You are going to have another potentially 9 weeks of pregnancy after this. How will you cope with that? Will he be allowed to go to work or will he need to stay with you every second.

RandomMess · 10/03/2019 19:51

I would agree to him going but only with adequate insurance in case he has to cancel or come back early.

QueenofmyPrinces · 10/03/2019 19:52

My DH went to Turkey for two weeks when I was 37 and 38 weeks pregnant (holiday with our son) and I had no problem with it.

I would just let him go - the chance if you going into labour is very very slim so I wouldn’t try and stop him.

Frecklesonmyarm · 10/03/2019 19:54

So much can go wrong in pregnancy. I don’t think partners should be leaving for any of it if they have a choice. I personally believe that parents need to be prepared to set everything else aside other than necessary work during the pregnancy and first year or two of life. I recognize not everyone shares that opinion. I am happy to be partnered with someone who holds the belief even more firmly than me.

What? I have no words

OftenHangry · 10/03/2019 19:59

Wowza.
Good for you finding someone who is willing to do that @Purpleartichoke. Must have been quite a task

OftenHangry · 10/03/2019 20:02

@Kate5555 Don't worry. If he is in a part of Europe with good connections he can be back to you faster than if he were on the other side of UK.
I once took five hours, door to door from my house to my parents house. 1600 miles apart😁

ForalltheSaints · 10/03/2019 20:02

YANBU. Could MIL visit you, even if you paid some of the fare?