Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

is my daughter in danger?

98 replies

allworkandnopay · 10/03/2019 12:43

My 23 year old daughter has just taken up an au pair job for twin girls in Australia. The family have been very nice, the mum and I have had messaged conversations etc. Before my daughter travelled to the country the mum gave her the details of the previous au pair so my daughter could make contact and check out all the details etc. As my daughter landed in Australia a message came through from the previous au pair that the husband had tried it on with her and from what she can make out he did it with the au pair before her. My daughter has just told me and said she will be very careful not to be alone with him etc.
I have made the mistake of telling my husband...of course he wants to contact this man/ book our daughter a flight home/rage against the world.
Of course I realise she is an adult, a really sensible girl who never creates drama and has a great instinct with people, so Im trying to be calm and encourage her to see how it goes for a couple of weeks.
My husband is cross with me. He thinks my daughter should show the mum the message she has received, he thinks anything less is shielding this man who we owe nothing to. I do see his point but Im really conflicted over this?? But what if I do nothing and she is 'hit' on by this man or worse?
I have asked her to contact the previous nanny to ask for more details etc

OP posts:

rody111 · 11/03/2019 05:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CaitlinsYellowSocks · 11/03/2019 05:47

Spam reported

raeray · 11/03/2019 06:37

I would advise her to ensure she doesn't give any documentation- passports etc to the family 'for safe keeping' just in case things aren't as rosy as you'd hope.
for you OP your nerves must be in shreds!
Hope all works out well for her.

ushuaiamonamour · 11/03/2019 09:15

Danger? 'Trying it on' implies something like suggestive behaviour or a casual sexual advance, not danger. If it's true, he's a sexist and an arsehole but whilst I've known many sexists and even more arseholes I don't think any of them were a danger. Your daughter is level-headed, assertive and, since she's attractive, well-used to dealing with unwanted sexual attention. In fact it sounds like she probably has the sense not to barricade her bedroom door and not to listen to any parental (or MN) suggestion that she return immediately. It's certainly not something she should have to deal with but dealt with effectively (and bear in mind that the wife sounds a potential ally with her) it might be a problem only once or twice.

You did the right thing, asking her to have the previous employee clarify; not only will she learn more, hopefully she may get a sense of how level-headed her predecessor's assessment of the situation is.

Original poster

allworkandnopay · 11/03/2019 10:52

A little bit of an update for those of you who have taken the trouble to give me advice. My daughter has spoken to the previous nanny who has confirmed that the advances were not physical. He asked her about her sexual preferences, tried to get her to go skinny dipping with him, told her that he had had sex with the previous 2 nannies, said he kept catching her looking at his dick etc..... This poor girl didn't have the resources to move on quickly so stuck it out until she heard that the mum was going on holiday on her own leaving the dad with the nanny.. so she invented a dying relative and said she was moving back to her home country when in fact she is only an hour away at another job.
My daughter is uncomfortable with this information and it was then made worse by finding herself at home alone with him today. He asked her to fold laundry and when she looked it was a basket of his underwear and the wife knickers. He sat right beside her whilst she folded them.
She is going to move out tomorrow and find something else. We haven't worked out exactly what or how much to tell the wife.
I particularly have been very naive here. I was worried about it all being a scam or my daughter being kidnapped on arrival at the airport etc I forgot sometimes the biggest danger in is the place you presume safe.

OP posts:

OddCat · 11/03/2019 10:56

Glad your dd is getting out. I would tell the wife why she is leaving- he sounds like a predator tbh .

k1233 · 11/03/2019 11:03

What city is she in allwork?

Weetabixandshreddies · 11/03/2019 11:12

Glad she's moving out. I do think she needs to be very careful now about the next job that she finds. Presumably she needs it to be "live in"? Are there any agencies that she can go to?

I do think it was wrong that she didn't find any of this out until she actually got there because that now leaves her more vulnerable in having no job and no.place to stay.

pigsDOfly · 11/03/2019 12:34

In view of the latest information she has she's definitely right to get away from him immediately.

Maybe I missed something but I'm still unsure if she got this job through an agency or by some other means. Obviously if it was through an agency her first contact should be with them. If not she needs to find a well established agency and do everything through them.

Whatchitsonny · 11/03/2019 13:08

Good decision. He sounds like an utter creep. If I was her, I would tell the wife everything (except about the previous au pair new job) as soon as she is away and safe.

chilling19 · 11/03/2019 13:29

Also warn the Facebook group?

outpinked · 11/03/2019 13:36

She’s 23, not 13. She hasn’t been a child for some time now, I’m with you. It’s her life and her decision, she sounds sensible enough to decide what to do herself.

The husband does sound like a leery prickend though and if I were your DD, I’d show the wife the message.

ittakes2 · 11/03/2019 13:46

Ask the aupair before the last one. This has nothing to do with her being an adult - this has to do with her living in the same home as a man who could escalate his behaviour. My first question to her would be is there a lock on the bedroom and bathroom doors. And despite her being an adult - you can giver her your opinion. Personally, if she has any concerns she should look for another job. Which part of Australia is she in? Aupairs are in demand in Australia - I'll doubt she will have trouble finding another job.

Slatkater · 11/03/2019 13:49

Can she ask the previous au pair if she knows of any other au pair positions?

PurplePattern · 11/03/2019 14:07

So sorry to hear that it's worked out like that for her. Unfortunately this exactly illustrates how men get away with this sort of unacceptable behavior...women tend not to be believed...

But...if your daughter doesn't say anything, the whole cycle will repeat itself with the next au pair.

Hope everything works out for your daughter, and that she does tell wife, FB group etc, so that others don't fall into same trap.

Waveysnail · 11/03/2019 14:10

I would leave and as im heading out the door I would hand her a letter telling her exactly why I was leaving.

HankNPat · 11/03/2019 16:23

Bloody hell. He didn't waste any time, did he? To tell your DD all that about the previous APs on her first day . He sounds vile and good for your DD for her exit plan tomorrow.

So, now 4 APs in the space of, I wonder how long? I wonder if the wife is getting suspicious about why they're all leaving?

I agree with PPs that your DD needs to tell the wife - although that might be not the easiest thing for her. Maybe what Waveysnail said about a letter as she departs.

Jamiefraserskilt · 11/03/2019 17:01

Use her phone to record stuff right now. She may get enough in the short time she is there. Then show the wife what the previous nanny said and expand it with confirmation that it was inappropriate sexual comments towards her and about previous nannies.. Based on that, she does not feel comfortable or safe in this home and must leave. I am certain this will result in a shocked mother. Hopefully it will not happen to another nanny.

diddl · 12/03/2019 08:39

Fold their underwear?

I think that she should have refused.

She should tell the wife-at least then she'll know why the au pairs keep leaving.

Good luck to her for finding somewhere else to live & a new job.

SlangBack · 14/03/2019 06:38

His wife needs to know the truth.

I hope your DD is o.k.

Who the fuck does he think he is ?

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/03/2019 06:57

how is you daughter allwork?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 15/03/2019 07:00

I am with your husband too
Millions of other au pairs jobs exist without sexual predators

Get her out x

Moonchild1987 · 15/03/2019 21:03

I agree with your husband. Your daughter is a lot braver then I am at the end of the day men tend to be physically stronger then women so that is always going to be a risk. Personally I would have been on the first flight home. If she insists on going to this family make sure she insists that there is a lock on her door. Unless with the children or mother keep to her room locked inside or go out during the day until she needs to pick up the children from school. Also wire her the money and let her know she can come home any time and leave.

Flip

1 2 3 4