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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my daughter in danger?

98 replies

allworkandnopay · 10/03/2019 12:43

My 23 year old daughter has just taken up an au pair job for twin girls in Australia. The family have been very nice, the mum and I have had messaged conversations etc. Before my daughter travelled to the country the mum gave her the details of the previous au pair so my daughter could make contact and check out all the details etc. As my daughter landed in Australia a message came through from the previous au pair that the husband had tried it on with her and from what she can make out he did it with the au pair before her. My daughter has just told me and said she will be very careful not to be alone with him etc.
I have made the mistake of telling my husband...of course he wants to contact this man/ book our daughter a flight home/rage against the world.
Of course I realise she is an adult, a really sensible girl who never creates drama and has a great instinct with people, so Im trying to be calm and encourage her to see how it goes for a couple of weeks.
My husband is cross with me. He thinks my daughter should show the mum the message she has received, he thinks anything less is shielding this man who we owe nothing to. I do see his point but Im really conflicted over this?? But what if I do nothing and she is 'hit' on by this man or worse?
I have asked her to contact the previous nanny to ask for more details etc

OP posts:

7Pip · 10/03/2019 13:40

She's 23. She can figure it out herself.

clairemcnam · 10/03/2019 13:42

She is 23, you can not tell her to do anything.
What you can do is advise her. My advice would be to tell the agency in the first instance and ask for their advice.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/03/2019 13:50

You’d have been better telling her to go through an agency rather than some FB group. Bit late to be stressing now!

cuppycakey · 10/03/2019 13:52

FFS this is a 23 year old woman we are talking about. If she needs her mummy and daddy to make her decisions for her she probably shouldn't be responsible for looking after someone's children professionally.

I am sure she will sort it out herself by asking the previous AP what actually happened, and for details of the other AP who allegedly had issues.

At the first sign of anything untoward/if the previous events were assault rather than pathetic attempts at flirting, she can quit.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/03/2019 13:54

There's no way of knowing what went on before.
The wife obviously has no clue because she put her in contact.

People can and do say anything they like.

I'd definitely have a clear plan with your DD for her to get away if it's needed. Can you have funds available for her should she need to do this?

I'd be worried too and understand your DH concerns. He's looking at this from a mans POV and you and DD from a woman's.

TatianaLarina · 10/03/2019 13:55

Why would the previous au pair bother lying? Sexual harassment is very common particularly for live in jobs.

I wouldn’t panic, just advise your DD to find an alternative au pair job ASAP, as she doesn’t want to be in the situation of having to find a new position urgently.

MirandaGoshawk · 10/03/2019 13:56

We don't know the DH - he might be lovely, or he might be intimidating. We also don't know how a 23 yr old might feel in a strange country, strange house, especially if she likes the Mum and the dch, and comes to feel loyalty to them. I would tell her very firmly that at the first sign of any liberty-taking on the part of the DH she must not be afraid to stand up to him and make it very clear that bottom-pinching/suggestive stuff or whatever will not be tolerated.

JaneEyre07 · 10/03/2019 13:57

My middle DD is 23 and I'd be worried sick OP, as she's not had a lot of experience in dealing with leery older men.

I think there is an ocean between him trying his luck, and him trying to force himself on her and that's what she needs to find out. Until then, I think she needs to take as much care as possible to avoid being in the house alone with him?

Oysterbabe · 10/03/2019 14:01

She's 23. You can give her your opinion but it's not your decision to make.

NataliaOsipova · 10/03/2019 14:06

She’s 23. An adult. I’d expect she’s had experience of men “trying it on” before! Yes, it’s not great if you’re living in the house with him, but the time to come home is when he’s actually made a completely inappropriate advance and she actually feels too uncomfortable to stay. Remember too that one person’s trying it on is another person’s jokey flirtation. My DH’s friend used to complain about another friend of theirs being inappropriate with his wife (and, by implication, with me), whereas I always found the chap in question to be very nice and just a bit of a joker.

Let her see for herself and fight her own battles; she’s an adult after all. If she phones and asks for your help to come back, that’s the time to step in and give it.

lljkk · 10/03/2019 14:06

If if were my DD, I'd talk to her about what her strategies are to prevent anything bad happening. As long as we talked thru scenarios & recognised many good options to minimise any trouble happening, I wouldn't worry.

My DD is fierce, though, the scariest teenager at the party.

TheMuminator2 · 10/03/2019 14:06

Find out what happened exactly. She could be telling the truth or lying if she felt underpaid, undervalued, etc. It is a hard one as a marriage is at stake and also your daughter's welfare.
See what this previous one says, maybe she has some kind of proof. Either way your daughter should join a reputable agency in that city and get a transfer. fresh start.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/03/2019 14:09

At 23 she is probably capable of shutting down any unwanted advances, assuming we aren't talking about physical assault.

I agree with her speaking to the old Au Pair, and if she's saying it happened to another one, how does she know this? Did the old Au Pair take the job knowing that the one previous to her had been accosted?

I'd also make sure that there is enough money (either in an account with DD or a credit card) so that if he does make it uncomfortable she is able to leave immediately, book a hotel for a couple of days and get airfare back home without last minute scrambling for money.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2019 14:09

I kind of agree with letting your DD make the decision, possibly with more info from the old au pair. Potentially looking for a new post. I would however have money available to DD, maybe in another account she can access in an emergency so she can just walk out if necessary without worrying about paying for a hotel or flight home etc.

Horrible situation but at least your DD knows to be guarded, the husband could be like that and your DD doesn't know.

clairemcnam · 10/03/2019 14:10

I would advise anyone with a DD going to a live in job, to talk through how to react to sexual harassment or even flirtation. It is sadly very common for young women in live in jobs.
Also go through an agency. Some are good, some not good. But they are a point of contact if things go wrong.

TatianaLarina · 10/03/2019 14:11

My experience is that women don’t lie about sexual harassment. And what proof do you think would exist? The previous au pair has already done her job giving DD the heads up, she is not obliged to produce photos.

SlangBack · 10/03/2019 14:13

At the very least she has been told he is a sleaze who is married but still makes advances towards other women in a place where she should feel safe

No thanks.

Dieu · 10/03/2019 14:16

Jesus, why didn't the previous au pair crack a light before?! I'm trying to imagine your poor daughter landing in Australia, exhausted but excited, and then she gets that text. It's a bit bloody late.
I honestly wouldn't take the au pair's word for it. Maybe it's sour grapes. Maybe she left on a bad note.
How is your daughter now?

Dieu · 10/03/2019 14:17

Oh, and I was a married career woman at her age. Agree with those who are saying that it's her decision.

EmperorBallpitine · 10/03/2019 14:19

She's an adult and needs to make her own decision. If she decides to stay you could chat with her about possible ways she could protect herself. Sexual harassment is a pretty common experience and if she's a regular 23 year old she will have plenty of experience at batting away unwanted advances. God, I was working abroad in a rowdy pub at this age taking the night bus home through a really scary part of town. I don't think mums can or should interfere with their daughters life at this age apart from offering advice/opinion.

Weetabixandshreddies · 10/03/2019 14:19

I find it a bit odd that due diligence wouldn't have been done before your daughter travelled half way around the world to take up a job she found on facebook. Why didn't she contact the old au pair before she set off?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/03/2019 14:26

Exactly weetabix. The horse has bolted big time.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/03/2019 14:29

Weetabix . From what I gather she did but, sadly, the OPs DD had already landed in Australia when she got a response.

TatianaLarina · 10/03/2019 14:29

Maybe she left on a bad note.

Then why not jusy say that?

Sexual harassment is a lot more common than lying about it. Women really don’t do themselves any favours.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/03/2019 14:35

At 23, no I wouldn’t be ‘worried’ because she’s a grown woman who can say ‘No’ IF he ‘tries it on’.

I would, however, suggest she starts looking around at other jobs & for suitable hostels should she want to leave etc

Hopefully her Dad realises that whilst he might WANT to deck the fucker, he can’t treat his 23yo like a 15yo by ‘demanding’.

Anyone who thinks this situation is unusual clearly has never been an au pair or nanny...or seemingly 23.

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