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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is my daughter in danger?

98 replies

allworkandnopay · 10/03/2019 12:43

My 23 year old daughter has just taken up an au pair job for twin girls in Australia. The family have been very nice, the mum and I have had messaged conversations etc. Before my daughter travelled to the country the mum gave her the details of the previous au pair so my daughter could make contact and check out all the details etc. As my daughter landed in Australia a message came through from the previous au pair that the husband had tried it on with her and from what she can make out he did it with the au pair before her. My daughter has just told me and said she will be very careful not to be alone with him etc.
I have made the mistake of telling my husband...of course he wants to contact this man/ book our daughter a flight home/rage against the world.
Of course I realise she is an adult, a really sensible girl who never creates drama and has a great instinct with people, so Im trying to be calm and encourage her to see how it goes for a couple of weeks.
My husband is cross with me. He thinks my daughter should show the mum the message she has received, he thinks anything less is shielding this man who we owe nothing to. I do see his point but Im really conflicted over this?? But what if I do nothing and she is 'hit' on by this man or worse?
I have asked her to contact the previous nanny to ask for more details etc

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 10/03/2019 14:37

I think that she is 23 and forewarned. I don't think she is in "danger".

"Tried it on" could mean many things. As long as your DD knows she can leave at any time, she should be fine.

Weetabixandshreddies · 10/03/2019 14:38

WhentheRabbitsWentWild

Maybe so but why wasn't it checked out earlier in the process? I think alarm bells would have been ringing for me if it got to 24hours before I left and I still hadn't heard from the previous au pair, especially when you don't have the support of an agency to fall back on. This girl could have been walking into anything. What assurances were there that it's actually a family home and a real job?

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 10/03/2019 14:44

Well, yes, I agree with you Weetabix , to be honest .

Original poster
allworkandnopay · 10/03/2019 14:50

weetabix
We had facetimed with the mum and children, we googled addresses, cross referenced facebooks etc to check it was genuine. We tracked our daughter on the app as she travelled to the house etc and the previous au pair had messaged my daughter to say that the children were lovely etc. She obviously had an attack of conscience at the last moment to send the message about the husband which my daughter received as she landed. A lot of her friends had used this particular group to find jobs with success.
Ironically the evening before I had warned her about the prospect of the dad being interested in her. She is a really pretty girl and whilst she is very wise and street smart in many ways she really doesn't realise how lovely she is ! ( for example she has never done a selfie in her life! )
I have no doubt she will be very firm with him if he is inappropriate in any way and I will make sure that funds are there if she has to make a quick escape. The mother doesn't actually work so she wouldn't be leaving the children in the lurch if she needed to go.
She is trying to confirm the details with the other nanny, particularly how she know he is a repeat offender.
Thank you everyone for your wise words.

OP posts:
GiveMeSteam · 10/03/2019 14:50

It’s scary that so many people seem to think that it’s more likely that the accusation was malicious and unfounded than that, shock horror, a man might have behaved inappropriately.

GetStrongKeepFighting · 10/03/2019 14:56

NotTheFordType - I'm embarrassed for you. Take that back.

MsTiggywinkletoyou · 10/03/2019 14:57

Two points re practical "is she in danger" safety:

  1. Is the house located in a city (i.e. access to public transport) or suburb (taxi), or is it in remote Out Back where there is no realistic prospect of leaving without the help of her employers? It is always a good idea to know that you are able to extricate yourself from a situation.
  2. Does her bedroom door lock from the inside? If not, wedge something under the door to impede entrance, and avoid taking steps that lead to very deep sleep (sleeping pills for example).
pigsDOfly · 10/03/2019 15:01

Obviously, as pp have said, it very much depends on what 'try it on' means.

I can completely understand why your DH is upset but she's an adult. At that sort of age I found men were 'trying it on' quite a bit in work situations. I think most young women know how to deal with these things. However, if he's trying to force himself on young women that's a different thing.

Years ago - in the 70s - I knew several men who regularly made passes at their au pairs. Some of them were pushed back, some of them went on to have full blown affairs and in one situation I knew of they ended up married.

Obviously, it's not a situation any of us would want our DD to be put in but I do think it would be sensible to find out a little more information from the previous au pair before she starts informing the woman she's supposed to be working for.

If he truly is some sort of sexual predator then she needs to stay away from him.

One thing I don't understand though, is if she was given the previous au pairs number before she left to take up the job why didn't she get this information before she was actually in the country.

Original poster
allworkandnopay · 10/03/2019 15:08

Mrs Tiggywinkle
What a practical view thank you.
Yes the house is in the city in a built up area so she could get away easily but no lock on bedroom door.
I have told her to put a chair against it tonight.

At 23 I was living alone in London, had dealt with many men trying it on etc but its the thought that she is miles away and living under the same roof which made me panic.

OP posts:
HeavyLocks · 10/03/2019 15:09

Hope the au pair can put your mind at ease or confirm and get dd out of there. I'd also tell his wife.

Didiusfalco · 10/03/2019 15:15

You have to assume it’s true. It’s horrible how many people are suggesting that this other au pair might be making it up.
I also don’t think it matters whether he ‘just’ tried it on or assaulted her. It’s a gross abuse of his power and the awkward position of a young woman who should be part of the family. It doesn’t make it okay because she’s legally an adult - she is still in a much more vulnerable position and in a new country, living in his house with nowhere to go.
Of course she is an adult but if it was my dd I would be strongly suggesting she got out and offering her financial help so she didn’t need to worry about that side of things.

SadOtter · 10/03/2019 15:16

I think your DD is handling it pretty well by herself, she's let you know just in case, she's checking details and avoiding being alone with him. You've got funds to one side if she needs a way to get out. Until she knows more details doing anything else would be silly.

It could turn out the dad fancied the old au pair, thought she might feel the same, made a pass at her and took no for an answer with no issues, in which case he's a pretty shit husband but puts your DD in no danger at all. If it turns out he was more persistent than that, or reluctant to accept no then your DD can reconsider if she wants to be there but it would be silly to walk out on a job she's gone all the way to Australia for before finding out the details.

BlimeyCalmDown · 10/03/2019 15:16

I'm with your husband, she should show the message to his wife

TriciaH87 · 10/03/2019 15:25

The wife probably knows if its on going with every au pair. Your daughter is an adult but i understand husband wanting to protect her. However even if you boom her a flight you cannot make her board it. My suggestion is you tell her you are putting money aside for a flight home and that if she needs to leave give you a call at any point and she will be on the next available flight home. This way she knows she can leave at any time.

SoupDragon · 10/03/2019 15:26

I also don’t think it matters whether he ‘just’ tried it on or assaulted her.

It does when the question is "is my daughter in danger?"

MeganBacon · 10/03/2019 15:27

If she's mature enough to fly half way round the world for a live-in job and be responsible for other people's children, she'd better be well able to block unwanted flirting or judge if a situation is getting beyond that into something more dangerous.

BlueMerchant · 10/03/2019 15:30

She is an adult. Leave her to it. I wouldn't be relying on the word of past employees. She shouldnt be going with these pre-set ideas in her head either. Surely the previous employees will have contacted relevant authorities if he really is a sex-pest?

MsTiggywinkletoyou · 10/03/2019 15:54

allworkandnopay That's Ms Tiggywinkle to you! Wink
I'm glad I could offer something practical. As many other posters have pointed out, your DD is 23 not 18, and is forewarned. And she's been brought up by a sensible mother.

PoliticalBiscuit · 10/03/2019 16:00

I like that you've told her there are funds available if they're needed so she does not need to feel trapped.

I'd definitely have no shame in asking for a lock on the door! Not even just for safety, but useful for privacy etc. Total no brainer, the family should not mind.

GiveMeSteam · 10/03/2019 16:27

Surely the previous employees will have contacted relevant authorities if he really is a sex-pest?

I just don’t even know where to start with that one Hmm

LuckyLou7 · 10/03/2019 17:18

I'm sure, at 23, she's more than capable of fending off unwanted advances from a middle-aged man who no doubt thinks he's gorgeous. I would definitely request a lock for the bedroom door, and would also tell her to get out immediately if she finds herself in an situation she can't handle.
My son spent 2 years working New Zealand at the same age. The only time he got in bother (not unwanted sexual advances, he was assaulted in the street and mugged) he was straight on the phone to us and we were able to transfer money so he could get away and come home if he wanted to.

NutElla5x · 10/03/2019 17:45

The man made a pass at the previous au pair,he didn't rape her fgs! Though not ideal, I don't get all the drama to be honest. When the husband who's family I nannied for when I was 18/19 made a pass at me,I just told him to go fuck himself and that was that. Your daughter is 23 she should be able to handle herself surely.

DangermousesSidekick · 10/03/2019 17:57

Surely the previous employees will have contacted relevant authorities if he really is a sex-pest?

Yeah right, because women are always treated fairly by authorities and men making passes at, or worse sexually harassing women and girls are always ticked off most thoroughly. Look at how many people haven't immediately responded with 'it must be made up' on this thread, even though it describes a perfectly normal experience for women.

BlueMerchant · 10/03/2019 18:43

Agree I jumped in with that commentBlush
Look how many are also quick to believe two past employees who the daughter has never met also.
I think OPs daughter should of course take all the necessary precautions she would when going to work with any family she doesn't know such as wanting lock on door for privacy etc however she is an adult and needs to form her own opinions of the family she is going to be working for. They will be putting their trust in her.She is going in there already having views about people she's never met!

NotTheFordType · 11/03/2019 04:40

Wow, I love that my post about women getting sexually harassed as live in workers got deleted.

Presumably because it was not fair on the menz?

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