Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Not really AIBU but I'm devastated

25 replies

Lolipop44 · 08/03/2019 18:52

Found out a very close school friend died Wednesday in a tragic accident. She lived a few houses away from me for the last 6 years so saw each other most days whilst dog walking or at the local or just in general for drinks especially in summer. I feel so so sad at the minute we also went to school together and had an absolute ball. I hate looking out my window seeing her car her house with no lights on knowing I'm not going to see her again after 23 years of friendship.
Can i please ask for any advice off people who've lost someone and feel really sad from waking up to going to bed.
I know it's early days but i feel sad she never got to be a mom an aunt get married.
She was so lovely life seems so cruel sometimes.

Sorry to write something so depressing on a friday but you lot give the best advice

OP posts:

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 08/03/2019 18:54

I'm so sorry, I lost my only sibling, my sister, in a car accident. The shock is horrendous, but you learn to accept it.

Chocolate35 · 08/03/2019 18:59

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I’m so sorry for your loss.

Iwantmychairback · 08/03/2019 19:02

So sorry for your loss.
I lost a good friend three years ago, I still think of her every day. However these days it’s nice things that remind me of her, a yellow flower because she wore one in her hair the last time we met, or a turn of phrase, or a slang word because I was a ‘foreiegner’ to her as I didn’t grow up around here. Honestly, it does get easier, but it takes time. Focus on the happy memories you have of her.

Pandasarecute · 08/03/2019 19:03

I'm so sorry, I lost a friend to cancer before Christmas so have some inkling how you feel. It's so hard isn't it, take care of yourself

Floralhousecoat · 08/03/2019 19:05

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, op. It must be such a shock to have received such tragic news. She sounds like a wonderful person. Seems like she was your companion, family almost. It's rare to find such good friends. I had a cousin die in similar circumstances a few years back and I remember the disbelief that lasted for days. It takes time to process it all. Do you have support from family and other friends?

gigi556 · 08/03/2019 19:05

I lost a close friend a few months ago. He also died in a tragic accident. It's really difficult. We are only in our 30s. It really sucks. I think time does ease things but really it's still so hard. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Fuzzyheadache · 08/03/2019 19:10

I’m so sorry, all I can say is that the sadness slowly turns into rememberance, not to say that it ever goes. If anything, to be so saddened is a token of how much they meant and your so lucky to have had that person.

PurpleDaisies · 08/03/2019 19:18

So sorry for your loss

AngryAngel · 08/03/2019 19:31

I am so sorry. All I can say is that over time the pain, although there, gets less sharp. The disbelief turns to fond memories and one day you will wake up and it won't be the first thing on your mind. I understand that feeling of being cheated and already missing the times you should spend together in the future. Do you have someone, family & friends to talk to?

AuntieOxident · 08/03/2019 19:48

Can you go and visit her family? I'm sure they would love to see you.
They will be happy to talk about her and you can share details of your friendship they might not know about, past good times, your schooldays together; tell them how much you will miss her and what a lovely person she was.
It will provide comfort to them and to you. Please get in touch with them, and don't feel you're intruding.
Our friends lost their oldest DD in a similar way and we didn't know what to do for the best, until their second daughter phoned and asked us to go and visit them. Which we did and it was very emotional, of course, but also part of the grieving process. We have been much closer ever since.

44PumpLane · 08/03/2019 19:54

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, its such a hard thing to face.

I hope you don't mind but I've asked MN HQ to put a trigger warning in your title

e1y1 · 08/03/2019 19:55

I'm so sorry for your loss

Paddingtonthebear · 08/03/2019 19:57

I lost my sibling in a car accident. The shock is horrendous and feels never ending. It gets easier in time. I’ll never get over it but you learn to live with it. There’s no other choice really

EhlanaOfElenia · 08/03/2019 19:58

You're supposed to feel sad. If you're not feeling sad, that's either because they weren't special to you or you've suppressed it. If you suppress it, it will explode out at the worst possible time.

Talking about her, thinking about her, maybe getting some photos of her together if you have them. Do you have contact with her family? For them, knowing that she had a good friend nearby, and wasn't lonely, might help them in their grief, and also help you because it can give you a chance to talk about her.

GustavoRocks · 08/03/2019 20:09

I’m sorry for your loss OP. The Samaritans can be great in times of grief.

Siriismyonlyfriend · 08/03/2019 20:15

Thinking of you on the loss of your friend. It’s still very very raw at the moment. It’s ok to be sad and unfortunately for the loss .
I found the bereavement section on mn invaluable when I lost a loved one. It’s true what people say, the grief never goes away, you just learn to live with it

HeavyLocks · 08/03/2019 20:20

So sorry op. What a shock. Sending you strength

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/03/2019 20:33

I'm so sorry.
Where you are at is incredibly early days.

I was effectively in shock/denial for probably the best part of two years about the close friend I lost five years ago (we lived hundreds of miles apart at that point and I was also quite far advanced in pregnancy, so the denial probably had an easier route in). The fierce painful loss has mutated over time to a remembrance that is often sad (obviously) but also makes me feel like she is still 'here' in a real way. We see a lot of her widower and dc and she comes up in conversation, entirely naturally. I think of her most days and feel, despite all the sadness and unfairness, a quiet gladness to still have her presence around. You grow to realise how everyone makes their mark on the world, even if they leave it much too soon.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 08/03/2019 20:34

Argh, it was four years ago

NotTheDada · 08/03/2019 20:43

I lost my darling mum last summer. I read an article which compares grief to a ball inside a box with a pain button.

At first the grief ball is huge and every time it moves as you go about your life it smacks into the pain button. As time goes on the grief ball gets smaller so it hits the pain button less and less. It still hurts when it does but it does it less often and less of your life is spent dealing with the pain.

Be kind to yourself. Sleep, eat, allow yourself to grieve. It does get better, I promise. It takes time, but it does get better.

Original poster

Lolipop44 · 08/03/2019 20:46

Thank you so so much everyone for your advice & for sharing your own losses.
I'm 30 so haven't really lost many people especially not close friends. The shock of it is just hard and although we were close i regret not telling her how she ment to me and so many others.

I am in touch with her 2 younger brothers and have also known them since they were babies. She was their rock especially since their mom passed and they haven't been in contact with their dad for many years so more than anything my heart absolutely breaks for them i just don't know how they can cope with two huge losses so close to one another.

Thanks again MN

OP posts:

elfycat · 08/03/2019 20:47

I lost a friend in a motorbike accident. We'd not seen each other much for a few years as I moved away, but I'd known him since I was 2 weeks old (parents' were friends and pregnant at the same time). He was my mother's godson.

It's been 20 years and I still think about him all the time, generally with just a slight sense of regret. A few weeks ago there was someone who looked just like he did 20+ years ago, at a petrol station and I had to blink back tears the guy in his 20s must have wondered what was wrong with the nearly-50 yo woman at the pumps

Grief will catch you out from time to time, but it gets less often and more manageable. Sad fact of life is that if you do a good job of surviving each day for long enough, you will lose people.

anniehm · 08/03/2019 20:53

So sorry for your loss, remember you can also find a listening ear from bereavement services and churches, just because you aren't related doesn't mean it hurts any less.

Bloodybridget · 08/03/2019 20:55

OP I'm so sorry. It is utterly devastating to lose a friend, and when it's out of the blue the shock is like a sledgehammer. Two of my closest friends died suddenly and completely unexpectedly, I mourned them deeply and still miss them very much.

Grief is a long, hard road. Wishing you strength and comfort on your journey.

Claphands · 08/03/2019 21:30

I lost a friend before Christmas-it’s so sad and I keep thinking about him and what a loss it was, then nearly lost another friend recently who thankfully is back on the mend. Don’t feel bad about allowing yourself to feel sad, think of the lovely friendship you gave her. Does she have family?

Flip