AIBU five hours to eat a bit of cake (in laws)

[Lizaelna]

FIL, his wife and that side of DPs family have form for springing unnecessarily long dragged out, last minute weekend plans on DP and guilting him into attending. For context DP works 7-7 with a two hour commute five days a week. He only briefly gets to see DD in the morning before he goes to work (he gets home after she goes to bed) and wakes up early just so he can spend time with her before work (and let me get ready for work in peace). He wants his weekends free to spend with me and DD. It's his grandparents wedding anniversary on Sunday, not a significant wedding anniversary but they want to celebrate it with the family. They've invited that entire side of the family round to theirs for coffee and cake. They're now saying they want DP round at 12 and they'll be done around 5. DPs family are odd in that if someone leaves early from these last minute weekend plans, they're gossiped and muttered about at other family events. Bearing in mind they see each other most weekends so it's not like they've got a lot to catch up on. Me and DD were invited but DD naps 12-2. I've suggested coming round later with DD, but DP has pointed out it won't be fair on DD (who is 18 months) to have to sit in a cramped living room for three hours with extended family she isn't hugely familiar with. Whilst I agree, I'd rather me and DD be there so at least we get to spend some time together, and that side of the family get to see DD (and we can use DD as a convenient escape route). Me and DP are perfectly happy for him to go round for a couple of hours for some cake but five hours? DP constantly feels guilty as we live in the same town, he feels he should see them as often as they ask (which is most weekends, bearing in mind he goes round to FILs one night a week for dinner) and he doesn't want to rock the boat. His FIL has also tried to push for DP to go to a football match on Mother's Day which after much persistence, FIL finally took no for an answer. I've got three options, wait for DD to wake up from her nap, go round and suck it up with a grumpy toddler for DPs sanity. Not go and not see DP most of Sunday and put up with a grumpy DP all evening. Or tell DP to rock the boat and insist that he leave earlier.

I'm a little amazed that you are so in to 'family time' when it is you,DP and DC, but you have referred to your family moving back to the UK (which is surely a good thing??) by saying "...god knows what we will do when we have both side taking up the weekend".
Don't you like your own family? I mean I know lots of people don't, but surely it is nice for you and your own wee family to spend time with extended family? Not all the time but occasionally?
Its hardly taking up the weekend to see your folks?
Anyway, I would go with what others suggested and go after her nap, chat have cake, then tootle on.
You do have the entire rest of the weekend for family time.

Kids come first....

You have a DH problem.

I would all go after her nap. Then only stay for a couple of hours. DPs family need to understand priorities change as things happen and family time for the three of you comes first at the moment. If they talk who cares, at least they are talking about you and not someone else in the family

Why can't DD just nap whole you are there? I would be wondering why your DP doesn't want you to go round even after the nap, surely he wants his DD to see her family.

You're being a bit weird OP and analysing things too much. It's one day that family want to see you. You still have the other weekend day and every other weekend till the end of time. And you don't need to plan when you go out around when your DD naps: she can just lie on one of the beds upstairs for a nap or take a travel cot. As for the cramped room issue, just take some toys and books for her. Job done. Your family want to see you and you should appreciate that; a lot of people have family who don't give a flying hoot about them.

Not go and not see DP most of Sunday and put up with a grumpy DP all evening

THis is your issue - he is expecting you to sort it for him otherwise he is grumpy. So either you put your daughter out or you make it your fault and tell him no

He is an adult dealing with HIS family. It is his choice to make. Taking your DD - that is YOUR choice. Beyond that how much time he spends there is up to him. He cannot be grumpy because it is his family

Surely the obvious solution is to wake DD early that day, turn up with her at 12 when she's extra-desperate for sleep, and leave after an hour (or less) because she's crying and being a little hooligan and you 'don't want to ruin the get-together'

How long have you been with you DP? How long has this been going on for?

@EleanorLavish that was all meant light heartedly, I love my family and me my DM are incredibly close. It'll just be weird as I'm not used to having family in the same country as me as they've lived abroad since I was 18 and went to uni. I just mean I'm not sure how I'm going to navigate it if both families want to do something on the same weekend. It's just a bit of struggle with both of us working, trying to fit in time for just the two of us, time for the three of us and time for both sides of the family to enjoy time with us and DD. I suppose that's life though.

@Mmmmbrekkie I've been with DP 5 Years and this has only really become an issue since DD was born.

Good lord, why hasn't your DH pointed out to his father that he needs to make his own family a priority? That he doesn't see his DD during the week and wants to spend time with her and his wife at the weekend?! Your DH should make sure he establishes a secure relationship with his own DD, the type he clearly missed out on when he was young.

It is ridiculous that your DHs father demands when his son should visit and does not see your family as a unit. Your DH already sees his father for dinner, on his own, every week?! Interesting.

I wonder if that is because becoming a father has triggered things to do with his own childhood, for both him and FIL?

You have been with him 5 years?

You posted this a few months ago

Your poor DD OP! This is almost exactly what happened to me. Had very much unplanned DD and her father decided I was to put her up for adoption or I'd never hear from him again. His mother then sent abusive messages to my DM calling me every name under the sun and that I was a disgrace and this was a disgraceful situation. DDs father then brought her into the hospital room (without asking me first) a day after I'd had a traumatic birth with DD. She stood at the entrance of the room, refused to look at DD and referred to her as "it". She then said she was taking her son home. The midwives were amazing, they told the receptionist and security not to let her anywhere near me. She tried more than once to get back upstairs but security wouldn't let her (I would've paid good money to see the look on her face). Both DDs father and his mother haven't seen her since. I've kept any abusive texts she sent me or my DM just in case she or her son try to take me to court. He also is not on the birth certificate (his choice) but pays money toward her (well below the child maintenance calculated amount 🙄). Keep supporting your DD through the latter stages of her pregnancy and definitely mention to the midwives and hospital staff that the father nor his mother are allowed anywhere near the ward. Once GC gets here and your DD is thrown into motherhood she will completely forget about all that horribleness and your GC will have all the love they need from your side of the family!

So I’m a bit confused!

I was thinking that FIL must be getting on a bit, say mid 60's, but it looks like he's only maybe mid 40s. Just a young man, too young to be obsessed with all this family at weekends stuff. You could be stuck with this for many, many years if you indulge him. It's alright occasionally or if it's a special event, but no not every weekend.

Current DP sounds very committed to you and your DD but also bloody weak.

Three of you head over after nap or if she can - naps whilst there.

having done an advanced search this DP is not the father of this child, am I right? But you were with him before she was born if you've been together 5 years?

something isn't adding up here...

Agreed
It’s all a bit odd.

Wow, some people get a bit too invested in Mumsnet threads if they feel the need to advanced search on a perfectly normal thread

slow work day, Friar. And a desire not to be sucked into someone's nonsense, which has happened too much in the past.

When are you supposed to have lunch if you are there from 12-5????

Advanced search...

Takes all of, hmmmm, 10 seconds

I honestly don't see the massive problem you're making out of this? They might 'want' him to be there at 12pm but that doesn't mean he needs to be. Just say 'Sorry that doesn't work for me, I want to see my DD and will be there after she wakes from her nap'?!
So what if they gossip about it. If they do then say you won't be coming to the next event, or the one after that.

I really don't understand why this is an actual problem.

Let your DH go and follow on when DD is up from her nap.

*You do have a 4th long term option

Move

Far far away*

Would that be your response had it been the mother's side of the family? Both sides of the family need to be treated equally and it's not often the case.

I agree with Pinkblanket - when are you supposed to have lunch??