AIBU five hours to eat a bit of cake (in laws)

[Lizaelna]

FIL, his wife and that side of DPs family have form for springing unnecessarily long dragged out, last minute weekend plans on DP and guilting him into attending. For context DP works 7-7 with a two hour commute five days a week. He only briefly gets to see DD in the morning before he goes to work (he gets home after she goes to bed) and wakes up early just so he can spend time with her before work (and let me get ready for work in peace). He wants his weekends free to spend with me and DD. It's his grandparents wedding anniversary on Sunday, not a significant wedding anniversary but they want to celebrate it with the family. They've invited that entire side of the family round to theirs for coffee and cake. They're now saying they want DP round at 12 and they'll be done around 5. DPs family are odd in that if someone leaves early from these last minute weekend plans, they're gossiped and muttered about at other family events. Bearing in mind they see each other most weekends so it's not like they've got a lot to catch up on. Me and DD were invited but DD naps 12-2. I've suggested coming round later with DD, but DP has pointed out it won't be fair on DD (who is 18 months) to have to sit in a cramped living room for three hours with extended family she isn't hugely familiar with. Whilst I agree, I'd rather me and DD be there so at least we get to spend some time together, and that side of the family get to see DD (and we can use DD as a convenient escape route). Me and DP are perfectly happy for him to go round for a couple of hours for some cake but five hours? DP constantly feels guilty as we live in the same town, he feels he should see them as often as they ask (which is most weekends, bearing in mind he goes round to FILs one night a week for dinner) and he doesn't want to rock the boat. His FIL has also tried to push for DP to go to a football match on Mother's Day which after much persistence, FIL finally took no for an answer. I've got three options, wait for DD to wake up from her nap, go round and suck it up with a grumpy toddler for DPs sanity. Not go and not see DP most of Sunday and put up with a grumpy DP all evening. Or tell DP to rock the boat and insist that he leave earlier.

[Lizaelna]

@cuppycakey sorry I should have specified, DPs parents separated when he was very young. I think it's more residual guilt at not having spent much time with him when he was young as he was pretty absent from DPs life till he was in primary school. I get on great with MIL, thankfully she understands boundaries and DD adores her. It's just FIL and his wife that seem to have trouble realising that DP is an adult with his own family. DP also seems to struggle standing up to his father as he doesn't want to risk alienating him and not seeing him like he did when he was younger, if that makes sense.

[Mysteriousbee]

cake is obviously somethIng like this. In which case it doesn’t matter when you rock up as there’s bound to be a couple of slices left.

[BedraggledBlitz]

Just go after nap. If she hates it, that's a good excuse to go home early. And who gives a shit if they gossip about you after?

[Alsohuman]

With London property prices, a 12 hour working day including commute, is many people’s norm and they do it for decades, @Tinklylittlelaugh.

[paap1975]

How about you and DP both go over together after your DD's nap and leave when she gets bored? Don't let them push you around!

[Lizaelna]

@Mysteriousbee 😂

[Spiderbanana]

I always take all my DCs to these things. 20 minutes of them shouting and screaming and people are always very reasonable about us leaving early.

I am thinking of taking then into the office with me next week

[HollowTalk]

Given your last update about how little his dad saw him as a child, I wouldn't put myself out at all over this. I'd turn up at 3.30 and leave at 4.30. You have enough to do at the weekend - who has the time to spend five hours at someone's house?

[HollowTalk]

It might be easier for you to put your foot down with your FIL rather than expecting your husband to do it, if there's such a lot going on under the surface.

[DarlingNikita]

I would go after she wakes up. Then you can stay til 5. Let them gossip. Who cares.

This. Except I wouldn't even stay til 5 if you/DD don't want to. If they've nothing better to talk about than precisely how long someone stays at a get-together, that's their problem.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Could your DP just say 'No, sorry, that's not convenient.' ? I'm failing to see why an adult feels the need to comply with this.

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Sorry, I missed your update. Still doesn't make much sense to me though.

[RoryLeighGilmore]

'Thanks so much for the invite. I've got an appointment/meeting a friend/other event planned in the morning so DH will be at home with DD putting her down for her nap. We'd love to pop over once she wakes up to celebrate. See you all then!'

If it's always last minute just invent other plans?

[Lizaelna]

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy doesn't make much sense to me either but it's DPs family and his relationship with his father is a rather touchy subject. Hence why I'm hoping to nip it in the bud now whilst DD is still relatively young.

[Powernaps]

Just say you'll head over after your DD wakes up from her nap so you'll be there 3-3.30 and you'll leave at 5 because you want to start settling her down before bedtime.

Let them talk. What are they going to do about it? Pretend not to notice any atmosphere (if there is one) on the day. I'm sure your DD will provide plenty of distraction anyway.

Ultimately you need to do what's right for your family. Your DD will still see everyone, as will you, but you don't need to do the full 5 hours, especially as your DD naps during that. I know it's hard to stand firm but stand firm as if you don't, they will push and pull you how they see fit and it won't stop.

[LancsPear]

DP has pointed out it won't be fair on DD (who is 18 months) to have to sit in a cramped living room for three hours with extended family she isn't hugely familiar with

That sounds a tad precious imo.

[AnnaMagnani]

All go together after the nap. If 18 month old starts playing up then you get to leave early.

I'd go to this as it's 'an event' and start turning down some of the other stuff that is just random nonsense.

[ZippyBungleandGeorge]

I think you can nip it in the bud without causing offence by being there for events; anniversary, we'll be there, birthday, see you then, random Saturday -sorry we're busy.

[Melroses]

If the GP love to see DD, then take her over when she is fully napped and dressed nicely, make a fuss of GPs, let them enjoy her at her best, take along something entertaining that she likes doing, then tell them that it was lovely to see them and you will love them and leave them and that you are sure they will appreciate it if you take DD away whilst the going is good, as we all know what it is like with little ones when they get tired. Then go.

Sod FIL be utterly charming to everyone.

[Birdsgottafly]

That's madness.

I'm all for Family, more so than many on here.

But I'd suggest and did, to my DD, that an hour and a half was enough for a Family get-together, when hers were that age.

You need to learn a 'fuck' em' approach to the gossipers.

You both go after DD's nap, at around 3-3.30.

[Lizaelna]

@AnnaMagnani this is my preference as then we only have to go out once and as PP have said if DD starts playing up we have an excuse for a quick exit. I'll firmly put this to DP later when he gets home from work.

[ApolloandDaphne]

Do what would like to do and what works for you and your family. Popping in for a short period after your DCs nap sounds perfect. Ignore their gossiping. It's all nonsense. I have no time for nonsense!

[AnnaMagnani]

My BIL and SIL took this approach when their kids were little. Everything had to run around naptime/bed time and they would point out they were tired from work/had another family to go and see too.

PILs thought they were obsessive about the naptimes and bedtimes and maybe they were as the childless couple we heard a lot of whingeing, but they have lovely kids now and it certainly meant they had family lives too.

[Crossfitgirl]

Just go after the nap.
Next time if you'd rather not go, just say you have plans straight away.

[Teanocoffee]

I've had to leave many family gatherings sooner than planned or attend later due to grumpy over tired babies. Its no big deal and it's a great excuse tbh. Sod them if they're arsey. If they gossip. Fine. Another reason not to go round.