to not go to hospital as I'm worried social services will get involved?

[teggart]

I feel so stupid writing this as I am in such a thing haze at the moment. NCd as don't want anyone to recognise me. My ex partner was really cruel to me. I've been told it was EA. I believe it was. If I told you you'd wonder why I stayed so long.

I'm stressed to the point that I keep having panic attacks and can't breathe. I have chest pain and feel sick. I'm anxious and can't cope anymore. I have a small son, and I am not struggling to look after him. This stress whilst affecting my health, has no affect on my ability as a mother.

I nearly went to walk-in/hospital today after I had my 3rd panic attack in 4 days. My ex is constantly texting. He wants updates all the time about our son. I'm so anxious and he's continuing his controlling abusive behaviour.

If I end up in hospital or medicated due to stress, will that go against me? Will people think I can't look after my baby?

I'm falling apart.

Block his number. Give him an email address. Remember NO is a complete sentence and that you don't run your life according to his rules. You run your own life.

You also need to go and get medical help so you can be the best mum you can be, otherwise you will be doing your son no favours if you don't stand up to his Dad or learn how to handle it/grey rock him.

Tell him to bloody drive an hour!
If he wants to see his son, why should you? Or meet half way on mutual grounds, You ex knows exactly what he is doing to you..... your baby is 15 weeks old and you are EBF of course you are going to be shattered! He is mentally torturing you the like control freak!

Say to him; This is the reason why I left you, you mentally and emotionally abuse me!
You son is health and safe, however you are having an effect of me , Which will soon start to effect your son, therefore I wish to have NC with you until I feel it is necessary, you can see DS one day a week due to EBF other than that I wish to have NC with until the night before contact to make sure that you are available, also I will not be driving the hour drive as it is your contact with DS I will meet at this place a that time, if you can't make then that is unfortunate as I have a life that does not evolve around you!

Stay strong OP 💐...You are a fantastic mother no doubt ☺️

He is harassing you. Agree to contact on ONE DAY during the weekend and no more. Ignore other texts.

Would it help to actually talk to another human so that you don't feel so isolated. How about the Samaritans? they are not just for suicidal people and are non-judgemental. Parenting a small baby is very lonely at the best of times, never mind the additional shit you are being subjected to. 116 123 tel.

Why are you doing the driving? If he can't drive then he should take a bus. If your baby is only 15 weeks then you may also be experiencing PND. Please go see a doctor or call your midwife. And block your ex's number and organize a 3rd party service for contact. There are many services and some are even free. I used this one with my ex who is in the UK (I am in the USA).

Ah, teg GAD is the pits.

I used to suffer with it for a long time, and it makes life so, so miserable and torturous. I remember being worried about every single thing that might go wrong in life.

If you have GAD in the background, it's no wonder such a stressful situation as this has made you panicky. Please be kind to yourself, and don't add in any beating yourself up.

Presumably he knows about your history of GAD? Which makes him a special kind of arsehole to be piling so much pressure on you when your baby is so new.

I do think you would find therapy helpful to unpick what is driving the GAD, and issues like, for example, your feelings of guilt about not providing for his desires. It would also give you coping strategies and ways to build resilience for the future. Have you had therapy in the past at all? I get that it would be hard to fit in with such a little baby, but you would benefit hugely.

Aside from the practical help you are organising find time to relax; look for a local mother & baby group, walking groups with your pram are popping up everywhere; make time for you and your baby; don't let this arsehole rule every day.

I like cheaper's suggestion.

You don't need to appease him and provide for all his desires. He doesn't provide for yours, or prioritise your happiness, does he?

Oh, my dear. I'm so sorry.

Clearly you need to see a GP, and get your situation with your ex sorted out so it's less stressful. I the meantime, I can suggest some practical strategies for things that have helped me with anxiety, that may be worth trying

I had debilitating anxiety, panic, agoraphobia for many years. I know how draining and awful it is, believe me. I am much better these days, but there are various things that impact (stress, diet, caffeine, alcohol, for example, all have an effect.)

1. Check your iron levels, post-natally especially. In fact, I just take iron (spatone) every now and again when I feel strung out or tired.
2. Check Vitamin B, get a good complex - this is depleted when we're stressed, and you're clearly under a lot of stress.
3. Can you get out for walks, daylight, fresh air? I know it sounds simplistic, but exercise can have a very powerful effect on anxiety. Half an hour a day.
4. I'd recommend an app with relaxations or mindfulness sessions. Insight Timer and Headspace both have guided meditations and lots of free content.

Feel free to pm me if there's anything I can help with. There is a way through this - you will get there. Sending all best wishes to you and your babe. xxx

Your medical records will be accessible by any gp online. I was shocked years ago when I took one of my kids to a&e and they pulled up her medical records immediately. Please make a gp appointment ASAP.

I can't turn my phone off as I'm getting lots of calls from women's aid, counsellors and mediators as well as stuff to do with DSs health and hospital appointments

So get another phone for all that stuff and don't give your ex the new number. You will then be able to turn off your current phone unless and until you actually need to communicate with him.

teggart

Right! take a deep breath and read.

A LOT of people have anxiety and panic attacks their quite common.

It is NOTHING to feel ashamed of at all and I cannot think how any one in the medic profession would ever think that your a bad mother.

Yopur ex sounds like he's being abusive pleaanty from otrhers on here re that dork.

But PLEASE seek as soonas you can a doctors appointment and get this sorted.

And get this too! Even Justaboy has little wobbles like that from time to time but we have a coping system an dthey aren't a problem.

Two mates of mine have them too.

You are not alone far from it so please seek medical help and stop stressing about socal services.

OK!

OP do you have family or friends supporting you? Your posts make me feel like you need a no-nonsense DM/Dsis/friend to act as a buffer with your ex for a bit, seems pretty obvious he is the source of your anxiety. Is there anyone who could do this for you, screen messages, be around during contact etc?

He is most definitely still abusing and controlling you and I can see that it's difficult for you to stand up to him and why but putting boundaries in place (or letting someone else do it for you) is the only way to take the control back and put an end to his abuse. I'm so sorry he's still doing this to you, makes me want to come round and sort him out for you!

I agree, you sound like you could really do with a friendly ear locally (family member, friend, support group...?) to offload to, and also someone (which may or may not be the same people, depending on what they're good at) to help with working out what is reasonable and then setting some boundaries for ex. I think you will feel much better already when you aren't trying to deal with it all alone in your head.

But also, please do get medical help if you feel as though you need it - it shouldn't cause any issues and indeed, may help your case if there is a record of how his actions are affecting you.

All the best

Right OP, first of all I highly doubt you’d be admitted to hospital because it’s almost impossible to get people admitted these days as they are so overstretched.

Secondly, you are coming across here as very lucid, conscious and in control so I would be amazed if meeting you face to face you would look in anything like as bad a way as you’d need to be to be admitted or that you’d pose a risk to DS and they would bear the breastfeeding too.

Thirdly, you mention that you have GADS but don’t feel like you have to blame everything that you feel now on that. You’ve just come out of an abusive relationship, you have a small baby and your ex is harassing you. To be frank it would be perfectly normal for anybody to feel stressed and apprehensive in that situation and if you’re getting up, getting dressed and taking care of your baby you’re being really strong and coping. Remember that he’s gaslighting you and the way you feel at the moment is because he’s been messing with your head and you’re being made to feel that your perfectly normal response to that makes you crazy or ill - but it doesn’t.

Your best bet now is to go to the GPs and explain what is happening and about the abuse and ongoing harassment. Ask them to refer you to the local Health Visitor to come and see you, they can often be a brilliant support.

Finally: Social services, if they do get involved don’t worry (in fact in your situation it might be worth asking for their support). If they get involved they may well be able to help you deal with your horrible ex and maybe even supervise his contact in a way which means you don’t have to see or speak to him. Start keeping a diary of the harassment, if it escalates SS may be able to help deal with it.

SS would also usually advocate for you within the mental health services and make sure you were prioritised because you have a dependent.

When it comes to women who’ve left abusive relationships SS really can be quite good. Their aim is usually to keep mothers and children together if at all possible, not split them up.

You really need support and SS and the health service can help you access that and they always say that asking for help if you need it Is the sign of a competent and capable parent rather than trying to hide it and cope alone.

You’re doing amazing, lots of people wouldn’t be still standing after a few months like that. But yeah, go see the GP, tell them it’s an emergency. Then go home and enjoy your time with your lovely son. You’re doing a great job.

Oh, and make sure that you’re getting as much sleep as you can. Sleep when he’s asleep or maybe ask a friend to watch him while you have a lie down? If you’re feeling a bit wretched mentally a good sleep can be very healing.

Have you considered talking to the police? It sounds like harassment and EA is now recognised as domestic abuse. Keep all the texts and a record of phone calls with what was said. Just something you might want to consider.

Thank you everyone. It makes me so upset that he doesn't even seem to realise what he's doing. It's like behaving like this is totally normal for him. I think he was the same with his ex and in hindsight she warned me of this but I was too naive to take her advice. I feel like contacting her but that would hugely upset him.

The thing is @teggart it doesn't matter if you do something that upsets him. The beauty of breaking up is that how he feels is not your concern anymore.....As long as you stay being a good mum to your son, and give his dad reasonable access (reasonable does not necessarily mean what your ex wants), then you can put whatever boundaries suit you in place. Personally, if you need to keep your phone on because of women's aid etc, I would block his number if he gets too much. You can always unblock it when you need to speak to him or are ready to hear what he has to say. Good luck

I feel like contacting her but that would hugely upset him.

Does she have children? Would be nice for DS to be in contact with any siblings. He doesn’t need to know you’ve contacted her.

@BejamNostalgia I fear she would tell him. She has a daughter with my ex who is my son's half sister. She's lovely.

You can go to gp as a temporary patient even if they cannot register you. Otherwise is there any self referral therapy in your area, cbt etc. Or go to the hv clinic and ask if there are any support groups. Noone will remove your ds, I suspect that is something your abusive ex has put in your head.

Poor you, miserable enough being tired without all the stress. Get your GP appointment, do they have a sit and wait clinic? Speak to his ex as she will be in a good position to give advice on handling your ex.

Block him on your phone. Get a cheap phone with a new no for ex and have it on silent, then you will have a record of his texts if you don't want to have solely email contact.

Yes to speaking to police, and talk over with your df what's reasonable about contact. Would your df tackle him?

Oh god I could never go to the police! The idea makes me quake in my boots!

Talk to someone at Womens Aid and see your GP. you wont lose custody for ill health - I know, I've been there!