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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to hospital as I'm worried social services will get involved?

85 replies

teggart · 07/03/2019 22:17

I feel so stupid writing this as I am in such a thing haze at the moment. NCd as don't want anyone to recognise me. My ex partner was really cruel to me. I've been told it was EA. I believe it was. If I told you you'd wonder why I stayed so long.

I'm stressed to the point that I keep having panic attacks and can't breathe. I have chest pain and feel sick. I'm anxious and can't cope anymore. I have a small son, and I am not struggling to look after him. This stress whilst affecting my health, has no affect on my ability as a mother.

I nearly went to walk-in/hospital today after I had my 3rd panic attack in 4 days. My ex is constantly texting. He wants updates all the time about our son. I'm so anxious and he's continuing his controlling abusive behaviour.

If I end up in hospital or medicated due to stress, will that go against me? Will people think I can't look after my baby?

I'm falling apart.

OP posts:
Wingingthis · 07/03/2019 22:33

I work in close quarters to social services, they would only take your baby away as an absolute last resort. If you’re getting all the help & support you can then it’s clear you are trying to be the best posible mother to your baby! Please get help xxx

Tomtontom · 07/03/2019 22:33

You're doing brilliantly in the most trying circumstances.

Call the GP surgery in the morning. If you can't get an appointment insist on a callback. If the receptionist asks what it is about tell them you are having mental health difficulties and you have a baby. A doctor will see or speak to you tomorrow.

Have you got a women's centre in your area? They may be able to arrange counselling quickly, or simply a listening ear in a safe environment. You could also call Women's Aid who can support you and signpost you to appropriate services.

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:34

@Missingstreetlife I'm trying to arrange contact. I've had advice and they've said weekends is fine. He thinks he should be seeing his DC all the time. I'm just concerned that he's making me ill. He acts like I'm a horrid person trying to stop him seeing his son. I'm not. I am dealing with a small baby and I'm totally exhausted. I need to get my health sorted.

I can't believe how supportive and kind people on mn are. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:36

God I feel like such a fuck up Sad

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 07/03/2019 22:37

tolleshunts advice is very good re only contacting you by email. You need to start setting some boundaries yes he will spit out his dummy but he will soon get the idea. Any repeated contact you have not requested especially abusive/angry messages is abuse and the police will get involved. Don't be pushed around anymore Flowers

Crunchymum · 07/03/2019 22:37

How old is baby?

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:38

@Crunchymum 15 weeks...

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 07/03/2019 22:38

If your son is ebf I'll assume very young, why should be driving back and fro with a small baby, if he's that keen he can come to you. I doubt he actually wants to see baby that much he's just trying to control you. If I was you I'd tell him a day and time and if he doesn't like it he can feck off.

PersonaNonGarter · 07/03/2019 22:40

You are a great mum - you are doing fine.

You now need to be a strong Ex with boundaries. Tell him the level of contact is too high and he needs to stop texting and demanding. Then take a break - turn your phone off and on as you feel able.

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:43

I can't even explain how much I love my son.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 07/03/2019 22:45

What have you currently agreed with ex?

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:48

@Crunchymum we don't really have anything in place. A solicitor suggested that we alternate travel on weekends and if he wants an extra day in between he needs to travel and he needs to put that to me. He wants daily access. We haven't agreed anything as I won't agree to him wanting access every day. I have a MIAM booked but have recently been told it's pointless with an emotional abuser...

OP posts:
Tolleshunt · 07/03/2019 22:48

You are NOT a fuck up. You are doing brilliantly. 15 weeks is still very, very young. I was lucky if I was out of my pyjamas by lunchtime at that stage. You, on the other hand, are dealing with it all alone, while managing this shithead's abusive behaviour.

You're doing great. It's no wonder you are anxious, with his appalling behaviour, yet still you are prioritising your son. You are a great mum, and you can move on from this dick, erect strong boundaries, and have a loving and fulfilling life with your LO.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/03/2019 22:49

OP if they got social services involved with every mum who has anxiety etc the system would implode! You have nothing to worry about! But please go to your GP about the panic attacks they can and will help you. And remember - you DON'T have to reply to your ex. I know being with someone like that puts you in a position where you feel automatically obligated to pander to their every whim but you don't owe him any updates. That's not a normal relationship to have, he has no right to demand anything from you. Ignore or block, and enjoy your beautiful son

Tolleshunt · 07/03/2019 22:49

No court will give him daily access.

Tolleshunt · 07/03/2019 22:50

His anger is his problem.

Insist all communication is in writing. Keep it all. When he fucks up and threatens/gets angry you have the evidence you need that he is abusive.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/03/2019 22:50

Absolutely do not allow daily access. You're a human being who deserves a life that doesn't involve facing your abusive ex each day, not just a vessel to be there when it's suits him

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:51

@Tolleshunt solicitor said that as he isn't home until 6:30 every night he will only have access at weekends as we live 45 mins apart. He's going mad about that. I'm so anxious I just want the ground to swallow me up.

OP posts:
JaneEyre07 · 07/03/2019 22:51

No wonder you are feeling panicky.

You have a tiny baby and what he's doing is bullying you.

Can you turn your phone off or block his number?

Tolleshunt · 07/03/2019 22:52

Brilliant. So just say NO to weekdays.

Can you articulate what you are anxious about? What do you think will happen/what do you think he will do?

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:52

@JaneEyre07 I can't turn my phone off as I'm getting lots of calls from women's aid, counsellors and mediators as well as stuff to do with DSs health and hospital appointments.

I need to learn to ignore....

OP posts:
GunpowderGelatine · 07/03/2019 22:53

OP he can go as mad all he wants - it's tough, he can't have it all. Thousands of other fathers cope just fine with weekends or even EOW what makes him special?

MumW · 07/03/2019 22:55

Women's Aid should be able to offer advice on dealing with AX (arsehole ex)
Flowers

Original poster
teggart · 07/03/2019 22:55

@Tolleshunt you seem really kind. Thank you.

I suffer from an anxiety disorder. GAD. It's intermittent. But can be debilitating. I'm debilitated at the moment. I feel like I am treading on eggshells. I feel like he's going to badmouth me, and his gaslighting makes me feel sick. He makes me feel guilty which he knows I struggle with. I just feel panicky and scared. He knows where I live and I worry about him just turning up. I don't want to see him but I have to as DS is ebf. I'm worried I won't be believed during my MIAM. I'm worried it will end up in court and I will go broke and they won't believe I have been abused. I'm worried about a lot of things. I'm so, so anxious. All whilst being the best mother I can to a tiny non sleeping baby..

OP posts:
yorkshirecountrylass · 07/03/2019 22:56

Okay OP stop and breathe. You are going to be okay, as is your little one. Tell ex that due to the number of texts you would like him to direct future contact through solicitor until further notice. Assure that you will contact him in event of emergency. Tomorrow morning phone the Gp surgery and explain that you need an emergency appointment same day - even if only by telephone - and cannot wait the two weeks, if they push it explain that you feel your anxiety is heightened and you will discuss with practice manager or GP only. Do NOT be afraid of children's social care. They can massively help and support you, the days of them taking children for no reason are long gone. You can do this, good luck x

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