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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shocked at Childless stepmum forum

64 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:26

I was just searching for some online anon support as I have a pretty crap relationship with my DSD. The comments on here can sometimes be less than supportive for step mums but hell I’ve just come across a forum where the step kids (known as skids by the posters) are hated!! I’m shocked but pleased I’m not in their bracket! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:29

The forum was not mumsnet just
To be clear.

OP posts:
Pocketfull · 07/03/2019 19:30

I know a woman who has 2DC with her partner and one SC, she refers to the child as DC or Devil child, I think it’s horrible.
It’s worse as he lives with them so he must feel so left out and hated.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 07/03/2019 19:32

No, yanbu. It sounds awful, those poor kids.

Xmasfairy86 · 07/03/2019 19:36

I refer to all 3 of mine (2 DD and one DSS) as devil kids 😂😂

In some respects I prefer my DSS as he doesn’t live with us, and causes us less grief than the DD’s 😂😂🙈

He’s 18 though. And should be but isn’t self sufficient.

itsbritneybiatches · 07/03/2019 19:36

Awful. I'm a step child. As is my step father.
He's my idol for how he's brought me up.

As was his step father to him.

I have step children.

Sometimes I want to throttle them but I love them!

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:40

I don’t refer to DSD as devil child or skid but she is very difficult most of the time. She’s at a difficult age and clearly doesn’t like me very much.

OP posts:
itsbritneybiatches · 07/03/2019 19:41

If you begin a relationship with someone who has children and expect it to get serious Why on earth would you not factor in that maybe one day said children may live with you?!

At any age?!

itsbritneybiatches · 07/03/2019 19:42

Kids will be. Your own or your step kids.
It can be hard. I know I was a nightmare.

I bet your doing a great job op

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:44

There’s a lot said on here like “you knew he had kids when you met him”!! Only a non step mum would say this.
I had no idea how hard it would be. I love kids and get in with most people but stepping into a child’s life where you’re not really wanted is the most difficult experience of my life. Never had I known it would be this hard.

OP posts:
BIWI · 07/03/2019 19:46

What was the forum?

Pocketfull · 07/03/2019 19:49

Oh my DC definitely has demonic days but I call her the devil in jest, she says it with such malice, no wonder he seems not to like her much.
I think she doesn’t like the reminder he had a life before her.

Lulapointless · 07/03/2019 19:49

Didn't you think it would be a living hell beforehand though? I can't imagine not thinking it would be a nightmare.

Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:58

The forum was called Childless Stepmums. I don’t think it’s about not liking the thought of a life before them, for me it’s more about being excluded from the now, whispering to dad, sulking when I’m around, it’s all very passive aggressive.

OP posts:
itsbritneybiatches · 07/03/2019 19:59

How old is your step child op? What were the circumstances of him and the child's
Mother splitting up? Does she want to get back together?

Things like that can have a lot to do with it.

Same as the child can just take against you for no reason.

I sympathise but you have to make it work or endeavour to make it work.
May take weeks months or years. Every situation is different.

If this is long term you have to persevere.

hippopootamus · 07/03/2019 20:05

I tried that forum for support when I was having a hard time. It's all so negative I came away from it feeling worse and never went back.

friendlyflicka · 07/03/2019 20:05

I can see it must be very hard. I have very challenging times as a single parent with my own daughters - sometimes I have felt close to despair - although they are always lovely and great. But I should imagine that facing these things when you don't feel entirely responsible for them, might be difficult.

I absolutely am not getting into another relationship until my children are independent and away. Thought of blended families makes me feel a bit ill - mine is complicated enough!

But, yes, hate that kind of talk about children - whatever their behaviour.

gamerwidow · 07/03/2019 20:17

I'm not childless or a step mum but I think it's ok for childless step mums to have their own space where they can let off steam and have a bit of a rant.
Yes I imagine some of what is said not nice but looking after your own kids is hard and it must be a million times harder when they are not you're own and you have to deal with the additional resentment that often comes with being seen as the interloper.
It's not like they are being unkind to the kids to their face. It's ok to have negative feelings sometimes and to share them with others in the same boat.

BIWI · 07/03/2019 20:18

'Skids' is horrible Sad

RomanyQueen1 · 07/03/2019 20:18

You sound lovely and tbh, even though I'm not a stepmum I've seen some lovely support on here.
I think those with the attitude you saw on the other forum would get a hard time here, but if you are nice and ask for suggestions, you will find support.

LuckyLou7 · 07/03/2019 20:57

There was a poster on here who referred to her stepchildren as skids. I thought then that it was an unpleasant and sneering way of referring to children fathered by her husband in a previous marriage.

The children must be aware that their dad's wife despises them. Poor sods.

PierreBezukov · 07/03/2019 20:59

There used to be a long running thread on here just like that.

Biilie82 · 07/03/2019 21:54

Skids is horrible yet you then refer to them as sods 😂
Not a step mum? Then there is nothing you can contribute really....

smallereveryday · 07/03/2019 21:55

I have been a step mum for a decade . With their dad for 2 yrs before we married. So 12 yrs in the frontline !
I have 3 children now 24 21 & 17. My dsc are 15, 17, 18 and 22. If you do the maths you will work out that they have been in my life since small.
We have all always got on with the exception of his eldest. She was 9 when dad left - and remembered a life with him and mum which is and (of course ) will be her lifelong preference.

The arsey-ness - attempts at excluding me , refusal to visit if I was here, etc etc started about a year after we married. - which I didn't really understand but apparently it was about our marriage now being 'real' and the reality hitting that mum and sad would never reconcile.

DH dealt with it by telling her as gently but nonetheless firmly. leaving no doubt that he would never return to her mum - and that if I were run over by a bus then he would live on his own. He also has to tell her that , whilst she was approaching the age where she could choose not to come over - he would not try and make her do anything she was uncomfortable with - but I was his wife , had always been kind to her - and was not going anywhere... and that he would miss her. Giving no wriggle room for emotional blackmail.
DSC1 rejoined our family 8 weeks of sulking later and has been joyous ever since. Moving in with us at 16 where she remains.
My advice is give them plenty of 121 time with their dad BUT in the context of family. Do not be sidelined. Do not move out of your home to pander to demanding children if those demands are rude, selfish or unreasonable. Definitely do not martyr yourself on the altar of Disney dad parenting by a father who says 'yes' no matter how hurtful to you.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 07/03/2019 22:56

It's awful, how some people view their stepchildren as an inconvenience. I became a step mum in my early 20s, DSS1 was 19 and DSS2 13. Both of them lived with us full time and I have always had a good relationship with them. At DH's funeral, DSS2 spoke about how he loved growing up with his dad as a since parent, but then dh met me and DSS2 saw him happy for the first time ever. I was so choked with emotion by that because it validated how awesome our relationship has been, even while it has been challenging and sometimes we have been at loggerheads - but really that's just family life. I have never seen any distinction between the boys, my own DS has always been brought up considering his half brothers just as brothers.

berrybubbles · 08/03/2019 08:07

I’ve found the site and it’s horrendous those poor kids. Don’t want to leak exactly what’s said there but it’s along the lines of ‘I don’t want you here, you take up all our time etc etc’. People like that are the reason why I haven’t bothered creating relationships with my parents partners