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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shocked at Childless stepmum forum

64 replies

Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 07/03/2019 19:26

I was just searching for some online anon support as I have a pretty crap relationship with my DSD. The comments on here can sometimes be less than supportive for step mums but hell I’ve just come across a forum where the step kids (known as skids by the posters) are hated!! I’m shocked but pleased I’m not in their bracket! AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewheelsonthebusgoround · 08/03/2019 08:28

Berry that’s makes you as bad as them surely? Your parents partners are people with feelings too?

OP posts:
hippopootamus · 08/03/2019 08:37

I get that the childless stepmums site is useful as a place to rant away unjudged, but some of those women are just making it harder for themselves. E.g. Locking themselves away in the bedroom when step kids are around, telling their partners they don't like their kids. I'm surprised their relationships survive.

I'm a childless step mother and to be honest I'm not cut out for it at all, always knew I wouldn't be, but fell for someone with kids and well, heart rules head! I do just have to try as he's happy if he sees me getting on great wth his kids, being kind to them etc, even if I don't always feel it. Childless stepmums site just doesn't put you in the frame of mind to do this.

FilthyforFirth · 08/03/2019 08:40

Why is it not a valid point to say you knew he had kids when you got together with him? I dont understand that.

I know myself and knew that I would not want to be a step parent. So I married someone who didn't already have kids...Hmm

EntirelyAnonymised · 08/03/2019 09:02

To be honest, i’m not sure of the harm in it. Yes, if the biological parents of the children, or the children themselves, were to read it they’d be upset but it’s (presumably) anonymous, so ‘meh’.

There are plenty of ‘ffs, my kids are doing my bloody head in. How much would I get for them on eBay?’ type threads on the internet from bio parents (and ones about ILs and teens kicking off about their parents and work colleagues getting upset about each other and so on). Sometimes we all need to let off steam. If it’s anonymously on a forum, then surely that’s fine?

paap1975 · 08/03/2019 09:02

Not all stepkids are angels. My DH has an adult son. I am scared of him. He flies off the handle at the slightest provocation, exudes stress, goes through our cupboards, questions everything we do. All his talk is of "revenge" on family members who have apparently been mean to him (he is estranged from everyone apart from his mum and dad). He may be coming round this evening, if he does, I know I won't be ale to relax and I won't sleep tonight.
DH does his best to mitigate things, but it's hard

EntirelyAnonymised · 08/03/2019 09:03

*Disclaimer, I haven’t read the site in question

itsbritneybiatches · 08/03/2019 09:04

My step son is just moved out it's weird without him. But a bit tidier lol.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2019 09:07

I'm not surprised I couldn't understand why step parents had such a bad rep on here, but there is a thread live at the moment wher some posters are angrily trying to say it's normal to resent your step kids, no matter how little and wish they didn't exist. It's really disturbing and terribly sad for these kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2019 09:10

That forum sounds horrid. Your dh should call this behaviour otherwise he is allowing you to be treated badly. How old is she?

TheClaifeCrier · 08/03/2019 09:11

It doesn't surprise me. I had a childless step mum that I lived with because my Mum was unable to look after us. She beat us and called me fat and ugly every day. So I'm not surprised that people like that exist.

BloggersNet · 08/03/2019 09:12

I just think the whole step parent /child situation takes so much effort, compromise and sacrifice. I don't know how people enter into it without thinking how hard it will be. Must be a huge shock to some. Also, the kids rarely get a choice on the matter so I assume it'll be even more of an adjustment for them.

Mookatron · 08/03/2019 09:18

To be fair I knew I was going to end up with a kid when I got pregnant but I had no idea how hard it would be.

I don't have any experience of this OP but I'm sorry you're feeling like there's nowhere to get non-judgmental advice Flowers. I hope you can find some.

Deathraystare · 08/03/2019 09:18

Awful. I'm a step child. As is my step father.
He's my idol for how he's brought me up.

Oh that is a lovely thing to say Britney.

Butterymuffin · 08/03/2019 09:26

It doesn't sound pleasant but no good comes of looking for too long at depressing corners of the internet. Best just to step away.

CanILeavenowplease · 08/03/2019 09:26

Not a step mum? Then there is nothing you can contribute really

Gosh. Only step mums can have an opinion on step mums? People may not be step mums but they may have had a step mum or they may have children who have step mums or they may have half-siblings etc. etc. etc. What you actually mean is 'you can't comment if you don't tow the party line'.

Why is it not a valid point to say you knew he had kids when you got together with him?

I struggle with this one but I think there is a fine line between being an adult, knowing that you are freely entering a relationship where children are involved and that inevitably, those children will have a massive impact on how your relationship works (and thus not really being in a position to complain) and the idea that you 'knew what you were getting into'. There's a subtle difference. You can accept at some kind of mental/intellectual level that the step kids are important but the reality of how that impacts on everything isn't really felt or understood until you're actually living it.

Unguent · 08/03/2019 09:29

I just think the whole step parent /child situation takes so much effort, compromise and sacrifice. I don't know how people enter into it without thinking how hard it will be.

This, really. I absolutely admire those who do it well, but I'm under no illusions that this is usually achieved without enormous selflessness and patience and tongue-biting. A couple of years ago I watched someone go through agony when her marriage broke down because, despite the fact that she and her husband adored one another, he and her three children from her previous marriage simply didn't work at all as a family. And they'd done everything 'right' - taken it slowly, not moved in together early in the relationship or anything -- but everyone was miserable.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2019 09:29

Also, the kids rarely get a choice on the matter so I assume it'll be even more of an adjustment for them*

This is what bothers me, the kids are impotent in this situation but it's a choice for the step parent, a choice they make every single day, and to do so knowing you're damaging a child is just so so awful. And if rhe biological parent knows, how they can reconcile with being with someone who rejects their child like this I'll never know.

thegreylady · 08/03/2019 09:34

My 3 dsc came to live with dh and me as teens (15, 17 and 18). I had 2 dc myself aged 13 and 17.
Everyone said we were mad but it worked. Now, 31 years later , it still works. There have been blips but on the whole they are all amazing. We now have 9 dgc and the word step doesn’t enter into those relationships.

thedisorganisedmum · 08/03/2019 09:39

they got a place to vent, they are human, it is a nightmare for some people.

I would never start a relationship with a man who already has children, until they are old enough to be at uni. Some people genuinely believe they can do it, but it 's harder than they ever imagine.

It's the same with parents: how many tell you how much harder it is with your own kids than they ever imagined? They still have kids, but it's ok to admit it's hard.

TriciaH87 · 08/03/2019 09:40

I see my step dads as my dads. My brothers dad helped raise me from 6 months and is still a huge part of my life. My other step dad met my mum when i was 14 and is s massive part of my life too. Only issue is do not get on so when i finally get married i have no idea whos walking me down the isle as one insists will not be in room with the other and my mum.

Bluntness100 · 08/03/2019 09:50

They still have kids, but it's ok to admit it's hard

But this thread is not about those saying it's hard. This thread is about the ones who cannot stomach their step kids. That's a totally different animal.

Thisisnotadrill · 08/03/2019 09:51

I love the step kids in Bridesmaids Grin

TinklyLittleLaugh · 08/03/2019 09:56

Not a step parent or step child so no particular axe to grind.

However I do think that for many people, the love you feel for your children is different and stronger than the love you feel for your partner; you would prioritise your kids, and their happiness, no matter what.

That must be a difficult thing for some people, who have not had children, to understand and accept.

Lots of kids seem to be a bit messed up, even by the most civilised divorce. I’m not surprised some parents do the Disney Dad thing to lovebomb and overcompensate. And not surprised that some step parents would be resentful.

clairemcnam · 08/03/2019 10:23

I find it hard to understand why people would not realise that being a step parent would be hard. I have never being a step parent but have half siblings. I would never get together with someone who had kids. For me it is a red line. Unless they were adults.

AliceLiddel · 08/03/2019 10:23

I grew up from a toddler age with a stepmom (OW) and stepdad as both parents remarried within a year of splitting. to be fair i prefer the steps to my actual parents! Never had any issue with either of them. My parents hate one another and havnt been in the same room since I was around 2. They spend their time slagging one another off, yet my steps have never uttered a negative word about anyone to me. Both sets of parents have had more children and I have never ever felt that the stepparents treated me any different to their new biological children.

However when my mom & stepdad broke up 10 years ago, after over 30 years together, I havnt seen him for dust. He had zero interest in keeping a relationship with me.