Shocked at Childless stepmum forum

[Thewheelsonthebusgoround]

I was just searching for some online anon support as I have a pretty crap relationship with my DSD. The comments on here can sometimes be less than supportive for step mums but hell I’ve just come across a forum where the step kids (known as skids by the posters) are hated!! I’m shocked but pleased I’m not in their bracket! AIBU?

I know that I'm not cut out to be a step mum, so I'd never do it. At least, step mum to a child (actually, I tend to think you're only a step if you raise the kids in their home with their other parent - above that it's "mum/dad's partner").

If DH and I went tits up, I'd not date man with kids under 16, and certainly wouldn't live with him until his children weren't living with him any more.

@TriciaH87 i have no idea whos walking me down the isle as one insists will not be in room with the other

i had similar at my wedding and kids christenings as my parents despise one another. I had to just sent everyone an invitation and then when they started complaining I just repeated the line "well you are welcome to come, mom/dad has also been invited, i would love to have you there but if you dont feel you can be civil to him/her then i understand and we can celebrate together afterwards". In the end my mom and stepdad came, my dad said no and my stepmom was due to come but got (legit) sick and couldnt. So my stepdad walked me down the aisle!

There is sometimes very sad and shocking things said about kids on all the forums here, in fact I would say you find a ‘I dislike my DD’ and it’s somehow acceptable because you are a parent. If a SM said that she’d get torn to pieces.

I have been on he step parent forum many times, and I find them brutal. There are many non step mums who just come on to bash SMs.

And I was bringing up DSD as her mother didn’t want her around. And I still got bashed a lot just trying to vent and get advice. I was told not to parent her. That it wasn’t my job. That it was all DPs fault. If he would change everything would suddenly get better. It didn’t. If I stepped back, going to my bedroom, that I was being unfriendly and unwelcoming. I was told not to have any negative thoughts. I was told that any resentment from DSD must be 100% my fault and that I ‘must have done something’.

I provided patient, respectful, compassionate care to my step daughter for over 5 years full time. I never once shouted, name called, even in private, treated her less than a child deserving of love. My DSD is now an adult and couldn’t give a toss about me. It’s a very, very tough role and I think my mental health suffered.

So, whilst I do think it’s right that w challenge calling give kids names, not being nice to them etc. I think we need to do that equally across all forums. And we need to stop throwing SMs who are genuinely struggling under the bus.

SMs do get a hard time they are always seen as interfering when they do stuff for their partner's kids where as SDs are worshipped as super heros for doing the same.

I was a step child who did not get on with my SM but as an adult I realise that some of that was my doing and she did try initially but I hated her no matter what she did (largely egged on by my mum).

We need to offer SM the same support as we offer to birth mums.

We need to offer SM the same support as we offer to birth mums

To an extent yes, but that stops when they become abusive, calling kids skids, saying they wished they didn't exist. Then they have no right choosing to be in that child's life, they are not the biological parent, thankfully and should walk away.

To an extent yes, but that stops when they become abusive, calling kids skids, saying they wished they didn't exist. Then they have no right choosing to be in that child's life, they are not the biological parent, thankfully and should walk away.

To be fair I'd question whether a birth mother had a place in her child's life if they were abusive too.

To be fair I'd question whether a birth mother had a place in her child's life if they were abusive too

This is fair, but for the child's sake, I would likely give the biological parent more help than I would an abusive step parent who has no need to be in the child's life other than for their own selfish wants.

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t just respond on the actual thread though?

Why bring one bad example of SMs to AIBU? What’s the purpose? Why is biological mother abuse not as bad as SM abuse?

You know what, without looking at the forum, I think it’s ok to let off steam and vent on an anonymous forum.

I’ve called my own children various swear words on here that I wouldn’t use to their face. I’ve raged about particular behaviours.

Having said that, I have a stepson and wouldn’t do the same about him because I know I’d be absolutely villified on here.

DianaPrincessofThemyscira,

You are absolutely right.

A stepmother is villified for trying too hard to bond with her stepchildren but then she is also villified for not making much of an effort.

A stepmother would be crucified if she called the biomom and said your child is behaving terribly, please come get them now, I can't take much more of their behavior.

But if a biomom makes that very same phone call, she is just a poor tired ole supermother (victim) who must really need to take a break from her children.

It is totally not fair. I could go on and on but I am sure facts would just go in one ear and out the other.

@amotherslave yes I’ve found that I get far less criticism if I post as a parent as compared to SM. In real life too, DSDs mum sent her packing to live with us as she didn’t want her - she never once was questioned about it or criticised. I said in RL and in MN that I couldn’t cope with the same SM, I was bashed!

@Bananasinpyjamas11

I believe you. I have heard it all before. I think Cinderella's Wicked Stepmom story line shaped society's opinion of reality.

A stepmother has no where to go to vent about life without being harshly judged or criticized. Which actually truly makes them a victim, not the bad guy.

But a dad is a saint to take on kids not his own .

I could have chosen a man without a child. But I didn’t. That doesn’t mean I’m immune to the normal irritations.

Sorry that should have been a not a !