What to do about my son? Sorry its long

[TriciaH87]

My eldest is 12 we have been together 10 years so obviously child from previous relationship but my partner is dad. Our eldest I must stress has been getting bullied since starting high school so this may be relevant later. Whilst playing his Xbox in September he got so worked up and threw his control smashing his tv. He was devastated with due cause as the trouble he got in was severe. We took his Xbox away and decided if he had another tv he would be paying for it. So a few weeks later my mum had both our boys over night whilst we attended partners brothers wedding. She bought her spare over wanting to make things easy on herself whilst looking after them she asked for his Xbox back, her TV got broken. You guessed it same game being played was fairly sure same child. Confirmed at later date. It was 2 weeks after the previous one and on a Friday same as first one. Son is on a 2 week timetable at school so we wondered if this was linked in. My mum said was not sure which child it was but we had our suspicions as she always stands up for eldest i don't think she means to but i guess favouritism plays a small part.

So after this we once again removed his Xbox standing by the fact we were not wanting to have it back until lesson learned. He paid for his own new tv out of birthday money at the end of November and was under supervision on games. Has always had a time limit on console. All was going well until a few weeks ago when i got in from work Saturday lunch time. Partner took dog for walk and then ds told me dad was going to be angry. He had punched his tv breaking it. I my self was fuming and rang my mum to get him out the house whilst i told partner and we calmed down. A large factor in these incidents seems to be him bottling up his emotions with bullying and his little brother deliberately trying to irritate him and he is lashing out in frustration at the Xbox as a result. His Xbox is confiscated for the forseable future. Partner keeps saying to sell the Xbox as he is never having it back. FMIl thinks keep until next Xmas at the minimum then let him have it back supervised. She thinks hormones play a big part. My mum says keep but if sell he should have the money. Partner thinks he does not get the money if sell. All his presents past couple years have mainly been linked to his console.

What would you do? Keep it until a much later date or sell if? If selling where would the money go? I did think yo my mum for her damaged tv but she says that was her fault as we told her it was a bad idea to bring. Sorry it's so long but i need advise as its causing friction indoors because Xbox just sitting boxed up as i do not have a clue what to do. Currently waiting to see a doctor to see about anger management for him but that's a separate issue. Any advice welcome

I think I'd be trying to work out a way to get some therapy/support for a very troubled kid, tbh.

I am already in the process of that. I have been into school to inform them and to arrange school councillor to see him whilst waiting for gp to refer him which they are not eager to do.

No Xbox.

What you do with it is inconsequential but he must not have it.

(And I would not be giving him any money if you do decide to sell.)

Yes forget the xbox your ds needs help. This is not normal behaviour. Does he ever wonder about his own dad or see him. He is coming to an age where he may be more aware of things being different for him in your family. Get some counselling for him.
Maybe Fifa or some other non war game would be suitable. Is he playing Fortnight as that causes difficulties to some.
But don't avoid the real issue. Your ds is troubled and needs help. This can be sorted.

What are the school doing about the bullying? I would consider moving him if at all possible. My son was bullied at school and we had similar aggressive behaviour. I wish I'd moved him now looking back.

I would also recommend an old style TV as the screen is much less breakable. Our TV got broken and I got an old TV for free out of the local paper.

As for the Xbox is it one specific game, or just the Xbox in general? And is he aggressive at other times? I would be considering those things before I decided what access he should have.

Is it any game in particular?

It sounds as though games aren't suitable for his temperament - perhaps they're riling him up when he's already had a rough day?

Or does he have online access, so other players doing their stupid pisstaking/threats of killing/targeting less able players is making it worse?

I would get rid of the Xbox and keep the money yourself. Is he angry generally or is it particularly linked to screen time / video games?

I think you need to remove opportunities for your son to break and damage things, wherever possible - especially when they they've been paid for by someone else. Although not having access to these things will not feel great for him, I can guarantee he feels worse about breaking them and as the adult, you need to limit his opportunities to do this.

One of my DC is very careless with his things and also destructive when he's angry. As a result we've had to take a totally different approach to his possessions, even to the point where we've asked friends and family not to buy anything much for birthdays or xmas because he simply isn't yet able to look after them. It's also very stressful for us trying to supervise him looking after the things he's been given (as you know). This has been really helpful for us as it's meant we've spent a lot more on experiences and relationships (which is also what he needs) than on things.

This explosive, violent rage is extremely alarming. The last thing he needs is an Xbox. Get help for him as quickly as possibly.

I don't think this is about the Xbox as such. You need to do something to help him. Why do you allow his little brother to tease him? Do you know the full extent of the bullying - you need to make sure the school address it immediately. How much time do you spend with your son? He sounds troubled and isolated. Poor kid.

The X box has got nothing to do with it really. That's just been the focus of his anger/where he's been able to tease his emotions. Take the Xbox away and he'll find somewhere/something/someone else to take it out on.

I would give the Xbox back, but keep it in a communal area, restrict which games he can play and for how long.

Support him to deal with his emotions and deal with the bullying.

I also agree your DS needs help and support. Why is he so afraid of the man he calls Dad? Why does he need to be removed from the house whilst two adults deal with their anger? It sounds worrying. What kind of behaviour is being modelled to him?

Also if his brother is deliberately winding him up, that also needs to be addressed. It seems as though he is trying to cope-he is at least lashing out at his own property, not other people's possessions or (even worse) other people.

He's done this three times. He needs to know he absolutely can't use the X-box again or have another TV until he is confident he can manage his own emotions better.
It's perfectly possible to be immovable on consequences like this whilst be 100% supportive of the underlying problem.
I'd focus on the anger with him. Chat about it calmly so he feels OK discussing it. Ask if he can spot some warning signs - physical or emotional changes which alert him to the fact if he carries on in this situation, his anger will snap.
Talk to him about triggers. See if he can start to notice: is he tired, hungry, has he filled up on sugar or had alcohol?

The bullying really does need to be addressed. If you can afford it, I'd get him started at a martial art or boxing club as they can build a victimised boy's self confidence, as well as teaching them to direct their anger into power in their sport.

His biological waste of space(refured to as other dad around ds) treated my son like a yoyo. He was in and out depending on his latest gf. Would pick him up as a toddler dump him with his parents. My son would dread being picked up and from 18 months physically made himself sick when he came. I let my don decide if he went with him something that caused more drama saying i should force him. Not when every fibre in me said it was not normal. He would see him for a month vanish for 3 come back a few weeks gone for another 6. When he was 4 he said he did nog want to see him again. I cut his dad off but always asked him regularly if wanted to see him st 5 and half he asked to so i contacted him that day. His dad was not thrilled but came to see him. Told him final chance you walk out again your done. Surprise surprise lasted few months then he was gone. 6 nearly 7 years later his father asked to see him around xmas i asked him he said his not interestex as he has a dad who is always there. His father cared so much when he was a baby my son hit his head in his dads care did not tell me until i was over hospital for my son having a seizure. He turns up said would go pick some things up for me as were staying in to monitor him. He never came back and went to work. I never left my sons side i thought i was going to lose him. Ds does not know any of this but from what he remembers his dad let him down alot.

Would you all consider some therapy?

With you saying you needed to phone your mum to get him out of the house so you can tell OH and you both calm down, it sounds like you could all do with some support.

Definitely no alcohol involved my father was a heavy drinker I do not touch the stuff and he does not go anywhere without us or grand parents.

It was because being the 3rd tv in a short period of time so talking about 700 in damages i was slightly annoyed and needed an hour to rant about it without taking it out on him.

I really don’t think this is actually about the XBox.

Your DS is clearly very troubled for whatever reason. I would be seeking therapy for him.

I understand you say you have spoken to his GO but why can’t you book a therapist yourself? A quick google search for your area should bring up some therapists. Most therapists will offer reduced fees if your circumstances warrant it.

I understand it’s expensive paying for a therapist out of your own pocket rather than going through the NHS but your DS sounds clearly very troubled and it isn’t getting better (from the episodes you have listed) and the NHS are crippled, the wait will take forever if you are lucky enough to actually have some mental health provisions in your area. Your DS needs urgent help now.

It seems almost like he is punishing himself with his behaviour.

Quite honestly I’d be trying to fix the root cause and give him the xbox back. If he wants to keep buying new tv’s then that’s no skin off my nose.

His brother has adhd and is on the autistic spectrum. Its normally a calm house except siblings fighting. However if your child smashed 3 tvs inside 3 months i think you would be angry too. I thought it was best to deal with that away from him. He was scared of his biological father not my partner he calls dad which is why we try to vent if he has done something wrong away from him so as not to knock his self esteem. He did kick boxing before for a couple years but then decided he did not want to carry on and i did not force him. Maybe i should have.

She thinks hormones play a big part

Please don’t dismiss his behaviour as “hormones”. There is a tendency for adults to put things down to hormones and the actual cause of the behavior is never investigated.

I don’t actually understand much of your posr other than he has broken 3 tv’s while playing xbox?

I’d remove all personal tech and screens for now. If he wants to watch tv he does it in the living room with everyone else.

I’d sign him up to football, scouts, martial arts, breakdancing, archery, anything that gets him out the house a couple of times a week and focusses his energy and mind. What are his interests other than x box?

And yes, yet the relevant bodies involved to get you some help.

Yeah I think kick boxing for a child that has serious anger and impulse control issues is a super idea.

I read this and thought: there is a boy who needs Fresh Air and Exercise. Get him into scrambler bikes or something.

He is a very calm model student the kind of kid teachers love. Out of my two boys i would expect it almost from his brother as his a little sh*t but my eldest has always been an angel. His pushing towards 13 so hormones are kicking in. Just started high school when all this started and being bullied. Yesterday i saw one of the kids with his mum and had words about her little brat keeping his hands off my sons neck. He has always been so sweet natured yet is now developing an attitude a little. Mainly plays fortnite but he gets worked up on any game if cannot do something including forza.

I actually think what the game is may be as if not more important than the wider circumstances

Are you getting anger issues in any other scenario?

Some games are deliberately designed to build tension. Eg you can only save the game at specific save points, the investment level is high but the risk of losing EVERYTHING is also high. Some games deliberately play on this

Xbox is no Xbox he needs professional help. Sending him away to rant about him won’t help and nor will the bullying and younger sibling being allowed to wind him up.