What to do about my son? Sorry its long

[TriciaH87]

My eldest is 12 we have been together 10 years so obviously child from previous relationship but my partner is dad. Our eldest I must stress has been getting bullied since starting high school so this may be relevant later. Whilst playing his Xbox in September he got so worked up and threw his control smashing his tv. He was devastated with due cause as the trouble he got in was severe. We took his Xbox away and decided if he had another tv he would be paying for it. So a few weeks later my mum had both our boys over night whilst we attended partners brothers wedding. She bought her spare over wanting to make things easy on herself whilst looking after them she asked for his Xbox back, her TV got broken. You guessed it same game being played was fairly sure same child. Confirmed at later date. It was 2 weeks after the previous one and on a Friday same as first one. Son is on a 2 week timetable at school so we wondered if this was linked in. My mum said was not sure which child it was but we had our suspicions as she always stands up for eldest i don't think she means to but i guess favouritism plays a small part.

So after this we once again removed his Xbox standing by the fact we were not wanting to have it back until lesson learned. He paid for his own new tv out of birthday money at the end of November and was under supervision on games. Has always had a time limit on console. All was going well until a few weeks ago when i got in from work Saturday lunch time. Partner took dog for walk and then ds told me dad was going to be angry. He had punched his tv breaking it. I my self was fuming and rang my mum to get him out the house whilst i told partner and we calmed down. A large factor in these incidents seems to be him bottling up his emotions with bullying and his little brother deliberately trying to irritate him and he is lashing out in frustration at the Xbox as a result. His Xbox is confiscated for the forseable future. Partner keeps saying to sell the Xbox as he is never having it back. FMIl thinks keep until next Xmas at the minimum then let him have it back supervised. She thinks hormones play a big part. My mum says keep but if sell he should have the money. Partner thinks he does not get the money if sell. All his presents past couple years have mainly been linked to his console.

What would you do? Keep it until a much later date or sell if? If selling where would the money go? I did think yo my mum for her damaged tv but she says that was her fault as we told her it was a bad idea to bring. Sorry it's so long but i need advise as its causing friction indoors because Xbox just sitting boxed up as i do not have a clue what to do. Currently waiting to see a doctor to see about anger management for him but that's a separate issue. Any advice welcome

Yeah fortnight will do it. No easy save lose and youre out. Ill put money on all the games you have being similar format.

He also played alot of need for speed and forza. Has has a 2 hour time limit on his xbox from the start. Has swimming lessons but does not like sports. I do get him out walking our Labrador as a family alot. The issue with his brother is he does not understand boundaries and personal space and this frustrates my older son.

I wouldn't sell the Xbox until he has received some professional help, punishing him by taking it away before didn't change the situation so why would it now. He doesn't need to be punished, he needs help, so just leave it locked away somewhere until his appointment comes around

@CHILLPIZZA i know sending him out to rant does not help but it is better than him hearing how disappointed we are and in the heat of the moment i did not want one of us to say something and upset him further. He is obviously dealing with something he will not talk about and i did not want to push our feelings onto him.

OP-I am not trying to be critical but I don't think that needing to remove your child from the house in order to process your anger is healthy. If you couldn't manage to be calm and deal with the situation together as a family, what does that say about your own emotional state? Might family therapy be a way forward?

The last thing I wouod do is to punish him, regardless of what the punishment is. taking the Xbox away. He can’t play with it anyway!

What your ur ds needs is support.
He has a father that is waste of space, a sibling with SN (and therefore more challenging behaviour) and some bullying at school to content with.
So YY to support /counselling/CAMHS.
But also plenty of time to spend with you on a 1-1 basis.
Time to teach him how to stand up to bullies and build up his self esteem
And avoiding games that are, in any shape or form, making the frustration worse (from my experience with my own dcs, that’s pretty much all of them tbh)

But don’t punish him because he is struggling to handle his emotions in a situation that most adults wouod find hard to deal with.

His pushing towards 13 so hormones are kicking in

Again, get hormones out of the equation. Don’t excuse this behaviour with hormones. He is troubled and you need to find out what the issue is.

The issue is not hormones.

The year 7/8s are absolutely obsessed with Fortnite (Battle Royale, to be precise). And a lot of them won't just whinge and moan, but will get absolutely hysterical if you tell them to put their phones away/stop watching Fortnite playthroughs on YouTube during a lesson/you use the management software to cut off their internet access.

It's one of those games that seems to be designed to be impossible to tear themselves away from - it's tailored to appeal to them, it's bright, it's 'fun', it's a bad thing to drop out in a middle of a skirmish (or get killed) - and, as the Highlander said many, many years ago 'There can be only One' - hence the screen smashing for those who fall by the wayside.

It might be a good idea to, as your DP says, get rid completely, as if it's triggering that level of destruction - and to other people's property - on multiple occasions, well, it's not good for him, is it?

Also I think you need to change your own attitude/way if looking ath8ngs.
Yu R ds is struggling and is struggling like hell. Whybe disappointed? Why expecting him to be still perfect in his behaviour when his life is such a struggle.
As you said yourself, there is something going in he doesn’t dare telling you. Something he can’t tell you atm. Him knowing you are disappointed (and he will KNOW that), punishing etc... isn’t going to help with that.

I really dint think this is the time to punish, establish boundaries etc..l

I’m sorry you can’t see what is needed here but it is a Refocussing of Life Away from Computer Games.

He needs another hobby. Yes, they are usually a bit expensive and a bit of a hassle because you have to get him there, but he needs something: dirt bikes, horse riding, sailing, scouts, anything climbing/abseiling etc

I was wondering if this behaviour could be linked to ASD before I saw your post about it being in the family.

You should probably read up about girls with Aspergers as they typically behave impeccably in school, struggle socially and are often bullied and lose their temper at home where they feel safe.

Also, get a copy of The Red Beast. It helps children recognise how stress and overload can affect them and cause them to lose their temper. It was a game-changer for my DD and children of a couple of friends.

It says that i am a working mother who after a night shift got in to find rather than going to sleep i was having to deal with the fall out. I have a child with adhd and autism who can be a handful at times and then find that this had happened. I was sleep deprived and needed to process it as he is a very emotional child i did not want him seeing me get frustrated and i was worried how partner would take to a third incident. His response was well its his lose but i did not know how he would take it as he laid on before when got the new one best not break it. I did not want to chance him getting angry and upsetting my son who has had enough of his father letting him down and did not need to have his dad upset him. I wanted to protect my child if their was a fallout. Turns out their was not but i take no chances. You see my dad was biologically my brothers dad and was an alcoholic in this situation he would have lashed out and not being his daughter i stood up for my little brother thinking being a girl would mean not reacting so bad. I was wrong but it means in situations regarding my son i think of how my dad would have reacted. My partner is not like my dad was but i just want the best for my son. If that means removing him from a possible situation i will. And regarding the bullying i have spoke to school, written to the governors and warned them i have photos of the bruises i attached informing them i am keeping records and will consider involving police if my child ever comes home with marks on his neck again.

OP-I am not suggesting that this is your fault. Only that whatever the reason behind your emotional state and general exhaustion it sounds like it is having an impact on your DS. It isn't a question of blame at all. But being defensive and refusing to consider all of the relevant factors is not going to help make anything better.

Asd in the family and x box games. Sigh

I'd remove the x box fof the time being. Id Remove permanently any games that are "arcade" based, are real time online multiplayer, have no "instant save" option, are first person shooters. Tge instant option is most important, if when you tell him to turn it off he cannot instantly do sp without losing everything he has achieved, its banned. This is more important for anger issues than arbitary time limits. There are games he can play but they are not the ones he is used too. He can have the Xbox back when he complies with these rules. Or he doesnt have it or any other consoles back. His choice

Telling an already active child to get a hobby other than what he enjoys is missing the point hugely.

Goldmandra i had not considered asperges. My cousin suffers with the condition. Will hound my gp until he gets the support he needs. I have completely removed all screen time on anything for the long term until we get it under control.

I do not expect him to be perfect i was no angel as a teen. I just want him to be happy and healthy.

The broken TV is the perfect consequence of his actions. Taking his x-box away is also a good thing if you make it clear that you are doing it because you want to help him manage his emotions and the x-box is not helping him so you are keeping it for a bit.
Selling it? I would do that only in discussion with ds. If he decides he is better off without it then sell it and let him use money for something else he wants but you all agree would be helpful. If he wants to be able to use it when he is more in control, then let him keep it for later.

Thanks all will keep the console in hiding for now. See a specialist and then talk to him about if we keep the xbox and carefully select games or if he thinks it will be too much temptation to play the ones his having issues with. His growing up and is rather sensible in that when it happened his first words were i want you to take it away. He also said he wanted it sold at the time but i did not want him feeling his being punished over and over. Which is what i thought selling it would do as his already lost it due to no tv. Then to sell would be another punishment and not giving him the money a third. Hopefully in time we will get to the bottom of the issue and he will be able to get through this. I just always worry and question does he feel he is treated different, does he want to see dad and not ask? Out of my two boys despite my youngests issues i worry about him more because i know his had a lot to handle. Thanks again all.

Actually, this is quite normal behaviour for children who have lots of access to games consoles. And it's getting more common. The actual games are very addictive so children really quickly get into rages when playing them. Ever tried taking a console off a child when they are in the middle of playing Fortnite? I know many many children who are so bad tempered at school because they stay up late playing on their console unbeknown to their parents.
My initial advice is, remove the consoles. Then reintroduce them in a communal room ( NOT their own bedroom) and strictly limit access. I bet your bottom dollar that he calms down.

I really dont think the way you've handled this is right. Im sure at 12 I would fond it confusing as hell and really worrying that my parent/ step parent basically had to get me out of the house to have a discussion. I get that you might not want to get annoyed in front of him but actually wouldn't thqt be a more healthy and normal reaction? Now he's thinking christ I must really be in the shit because I've basically got to leave so they can talk about it! Aa a kid the worst thing is unknowns. I think this is making him feel even more isolated.

What time does he get 121 with you or his step dad? It seems like he has to put up with a lot having a brother with SN and needs some support from you both.

Rereading your OP it seems you nrver confirmed who broke tv the second time...given subsequent comments about your younger DS are you SURE it wasnt him? Does the elder often get blamed for stuff his brother does?

Also is the bullying ongoing or not? Your last post suggests its been resolved but earlier it seemed like it was still happening?

He does not get blame for his brother and i did put it was confirmed later on he had done it. I heard him ask his brother to take the blame for it as did not want us to know he broke the second. He gets one on one time in the evenings once brother gone bed and on weekends.

Bruises on his neck?! Jeez OP that is really serious. Is he being physically threatened on a regular basis? Have you identified which particular lesson is immediately preceding these 3 outbursts? (Is it PE by chance?)

You mentioned you're waiting for the school to assign him a counsellor (TBH I'd be happier to hear he was being referred to CAMHS - I had excellent experience with them for my DS's very troubled teens. He was also bullied and had abandonment issues with his birth parents. Please PM me if you'd like me to share our experiences with CAMHS.)

What have they said about the bullying? Have you asked for a copy of their anti-bullying policy? Are they following it?

A previous poster mentioned that it's a positive thing (IYKWIM) that he's turning his anger against his own possessions rather than other people or their things. You also didn't mention self-harm so that's another positive. He's taking his anger out on inanimate objects. Expensive, but replaceable.

Another positive that struck me is that he hasn't tried to lie about how the damage happened or blamed it on someone else. EG "I went to the bathroom and I came back and it was smashed, it must have been DS2" or "I tripped on my duvet and put my hands out to catch myself and I knocked it over". He has acknowledged and recognised that he has caused the damage through losing his temper - which means that he doesn't live in fear of you or his dad abusing him or withdrawing your love in response to his behaviour. That means he feels secure in your love, and that's a testament to you both as his parents.

Another PP (sorry I'm rubbish at namechecking) mentioned sitting with him and asking him to identify the "warning signs" of when he's getting on the path towards a blow out.

To this I would add, get him to think of things that would help him get off that path once he identifies it starting. Let him lead this, but you can make suggestions. EG "When I hear myself swearing at the screen/clenching my fists/grinding my teeth/walking with stiff legs/lowering my eyebrows, I will go and find Grandma/Mum/Dad and say "Please help me calm down, I'm feeling angry"

I don't know if DS2's status would handle this, but he could also perhaps help out? Could DS1 go to DS2 and say something like... "Bro I'm feeling really upset. Can me and you watch some YouTube videos/Tv/go and kick a football about/whatever." I don't know your DS2 obviously and whether this is something he could cope with, but I was just thinking it might help build bonds between them instead of antagonism.

Then you need to discuss what will help him to calm down. It could be inconsequential chat about nothing in particular, just to take his mind and emotions away from circling the drain of anger. Or sometimes it might be for him to actually talk about what's pissed him off at school today and how he feels about it.

Or it might be "Mum can we please go out for a walk round the block" or even simply "can I have a hug".

If you have a family pet, it could even be "I will go and cuddle with the dog/cat". The love of animals can be enormously healing.

I'm sorry this post is so bloody long! As I said, feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk in more detail or just share the frustrations of parenting a troubled teen. xx

The last incident at school was a week ago. Bern 4 incidents since september. Last week i marched into school and told them if it was not dealt with the photos will be taken to the police station. The child was isolated for 3 days put on report for a month and i personally spoke with his parents yesterday telling them that if it happens again i will take it to the police and press charges for assult. I think it scared the parents as the boy has apologised today so i hope thats the end of it at school but cannot be sure yet.

I would over think this or your reaction. I dont really see a big problem with your reaction and even if there was who gets it right 100% of the time.

Chances are its just a specific subset of computer games that are known to cause anger issues. Especially in kids with ASD or aspergers tendencies, Which if its in the family is very likely.

I also meant to add - at this age, he will be starting to learn in school about nature vs nurture, and may be asking himself "Am i really just like my bio dad - who was a completely useless tool? Does that mean I'm a useless flakey tool as well?"

This might be something he's afraid to discuss with you but could open up to a non-involved person (e.g. counsellor) with.

Aside from his love of all things tech his nothing like his father. He is into his cars a lot recently so will look into some kind of car related hobby. I do worry in regards to how he feels about father having been that child myself. Mine was absent from 6 months and even lo i know now where to find him i am no longer interested but was curious growing up. Its why i make a point on a regular basis to bring up his father or mine to give him the chance to talk. We have always said if he wants to see him he can. If his father demands rather than asks like normal people would he knows he can say no. I will never force the relationship knowing that something was not normal their for the fear he showed when his father or his parents would turn up was scary. He is happier without for now but if he changes his mind it is his choice to make. I always keep contact details just incase