What to do about my son? Sorry its long

[TriciaH87]

My eldest is 12 we have been together 10 years so obviously child from previous relationship but my partner is dad. Our eldest I must stress has been getting bullied since starting high school so this may be relevant later. Whilst playing his Xbox in September he got so worked up and threw his control smashing his tv. He was devastated with due cause as the trouble he got in was severe. We took his Xbox away and decided if he had another tv he would be paying for it. So a few weeks later my mum had both our boys over night whilst we attended partners brothers wedding. She bought her spare over wanting to make things easy on herself whilst looking after them she asked for his Xbox back, her TV got broken. You guessed it same game being played was fairly sure same child. Confirmed at later date. It was 2 weeks after the previous one and on a Friday same as first one. Son is on a 2 week timetable at school so we wondered if this was linked in. My mum said was not sure which child it was but we had our suspicions as she always stands up for eldest i don't think she means to but i guess favouritism plays a small part.

So after this we once again removed his Xbox standing by the fact we were not wanting to have it back until lesson learned. He paid for his own new tv out of birthday money at the end of November and was under supervision on games. Has always had a time limit on console. All was going well until a few weeks ago when i got in from work Saturday lunch time. Partner took dog for walk and then ds told me dad was going to be angry. He had punched his tv breaking it. I my self was fuming and rang my mum to get him out the house whilst i told partner and we calmed down. A large factor in these incidents seems to be him bottling up his emotions with bullying and his little brother deliberately trying to irritate him and he is lashing out in frustration at the Xbox as a result. His Xbox is confiscated for the forseable future. Partner keeps saying to sell the Xbox as he is never having it back. FMIl thinks keep until next Xmas at the minimum then let him have it back supervised. She thinks hormones play a big part. My mum says keep but if sell he should have the money. Partner thinks he does not get the money if sell. All his presents past couple years have mainly been linked to his console.

What would you do? Keep it until a much later date or sell if? If selling where would the money go? I did think yo my mum for her damaged tv but she says that was her fault as we told her it was a bad idea to bring. Sorry it's so long but i need advise as its causing friction indoors because Xbox just sitting boxed up as i do not have a clue what to do. Currently waiting to see a doctor to see about anger management for him but that's a separate issue. Any advice welcome

I think the game has a lot to play in it.
I have 3 younger brothers and over the years things been broken I.e tv, controllers through frustration at the game my parents would ban them from playing and they would play football with friends instead and were completely different calm and normal.

No Xbox. Ever. Children DO NOT need them. Computer games are NOT #life.

Console free house from now on. Will also teach your younger child not to be antagonistic.

Consoles are banned in our house for our son as he grows up as they are entirely pointless, no good for their development and do not teach anyone anything. They do not need them. He has a few interactive games on his kindle but that is it beyond maybe having a Gameboy when he's older for travel.

They suck the life out of life.

I say this as a gamer by the way!! My xbox went on eBay the moment he was born.

It sounds really hard for you and especially for your son. I think you have issues around anger though - understandably because of your childhood and alcoholism in the family. And your son is acting them out. Definitely need to get therapy.

I would definitely get rid of the XBox but talk to your son and explain it is not as a punishment.

Our DS was suffering with anxiety and although he never broke anything, a certain game would get him really frustrated and stressed out.
I got rid of it and told him that the game was causing him stress and that I was getting rid of it. TBH he was actually relieved in the end.

Video games are addictive and if they are getting stressed out playing, they often don't have the self-awareness or discipline to step away. If it is a trigger for him, help him by taking the decision pressure off him and making the choice for him.

There is a really good Ted Talk here about bringing your kid in on finding the solution which really helped us

You poor thing. In my opinion you’re doing everything right. I don’t think it’s weird to get him out of the house while you talked it through with your partner. It makes perfect sense that you two should discuss punishments etc and then come together as a united front. I often do that with my hubby as there are circumstances where we might have different ideas and we don’t want to argue about it in front of the child. Plus if he’s coming to you to tell you he’s broken something and not hiding it then he’s obviously got huge amounts of trust in you.

And yes, I think it’s the x-box. Many of my friends think I’m extreme as consoles aren’t allowed in my house. When my hubby moved in 15 years ago I packed up his console and drove it back to his mum’s. I think it’s still in a box in her attic! I’m a teacher and see the damage in teenagers everyday. I’ve dealt with parents in tears about the behaviours in their children. No, not all children are affected badly but some are. See if you can get him interested in another “inside” activity. Lego, model building, puzzle books, painting - you know him better than me.

And yes the bullying will also be having an effect. Keep communication with the school and keep a diary of every incident even if it’s just a word or a mumble. It’s helpful to have a record.

The x box is not an issue here, nor is his absent father, he is being bullied at school and again on line....
Get him out the house
Discourage any online games because kids go on there to wind each other up.

Just to put the other perspective....

Computer games have supported DS learning about the map pf Europe and the history of various empires. His teachers tell me he must spend hours examining maps and history books. Well yes, but hes bringing them to life through living them i the virtual world too

They've helped to improve his bilateral coordination, motor planning and computer skills.

I read an article about a young man with considerable disabilities who was housebound. His parents bemoaned the fact he couldnt have any real friends and spent his life on the computer. At the funeral a number of his "virtual" friends turned up to see him off. Turns out he had a fair number of real friends just not in a traditional format.

Computer games can be fantastically valuable, especially to those with SN who need it to unwind or appreciate a world where there difficulties arent a factor.

But not all games are born equal. Yes the wromv games can be diabolically bad, but theres a balance. The video games industry is one of the fastest growing in the world, i think is short sighted not to have any exposure to it.

I don't really see any point in keeping the Xbox as he will definitely smash another TV while playing it. Once is a reasonable, regrettable outburst for a child, twice is evidence that he doesn't really care that much about possessions in general but even still, a mistake. For it to happen three times means that he is simply unable to understand the consequential value of the damage that he has caused vs his desire to be coddled and investigated after having a bad performance on the game.

His regret is sincere, but his regret is connected to not being able to play Xbox only. I would sell the existing Xbox and keep any (small) amount of money you will get for it now. Ds should know that he is forgiven and be given agency to save for and buy both a new TV of his own and a new Xbox (can get one for less than £100 now) If he smashes it/them (which he is likely to do, let's face it) then the process will have to repeat until he grows up.

These are not life lessons and shouldn't be given undue attention. Video games are brilliant things and they are not going away and they can and will provoke frustration as well as triumph.

Step one has to be removal of the Xbox.

Then review.

I’ve just given mine to my neighbour to store.

Turned DS into a different person (nothing else going on, just Xbox/fortnight).

Everything much calmer now.

If the behaviour manifests itself in other ways then look again. (Treating the bullying as a separate issue).

I think it’s hard for them to not have access to the Xbox because it also provides a social platform for them to connect with their friends. So more real life socialising is needed. They do feel they are missing out though.

There’s a lot of learning and developing emotional intelligence at this age. Setting boundaries is really important. You’re doing ok OP.

Make sure there are clear consequences for his younger sibling with regards to the winding up. I still resent (20 odd years later) how much my younger sibling was able to get away with.

@southbucks77 that was exactly my view. Remove him from the situation whilst we figured it out as partner at times i feel comes down harder on him which is because his the oldest but at times i have questioned if this is because not his by blood. I know its not that but sometimes in the heat of the moment i want to say i will handle it my way but we are a team and have to meet in the middle. Obviously their is no middle in selling or keeping. We agree on removing it which is as far as i have got. I guess no one said parenting would be easy. Some conversations are best had away from children and this was one of them. His an emotional child so hearing it cause a heated discussion would have caused him unnecessary anxiety. Will talk to son more about what he thinks we should do with it now the dust has settled.

So he's smashed up 3 tv's in 6 months? Wow this is one very very angry child,which I would say the bullying probably plays a big part in. Please do all you can to put a stop to that op and also have a stern word with his little brother-he doesn't need him tormenting him as well and I would worry son1 may snap and lash out at him one of these days. As for the xbox as difficult as might be for you I think you should sell it and offer the money to your mum for her damaged tv, if she won't take it then keep it for yourself. Your son must not gain anything out of the whole sorry saga. Perhaps though you could try to make it a regular thing to have some one on one time with your him,take him for a pizza or something,make him feel special,loved and give him a break from his pesky little brother

When my brother couldn't be trusted with a phone, my mum took it away from him for a year. It's not his right to have it and he learned to cope well enough without and is now a much more balanced young man than his peers.... take it away and store it until at least 6mo/ a year has passed. But... do more at a weekend if possible, get out and about or play games or buy him books, help him create a more peaceful life

I'd actually get him a punch bag as well as everything else you're doing- it's something safe to vent his frustrations on.

Would he be willing to go back to kickboxing now as he's being bullied- it might help with his confidence and quite frankly with defending himself if need be, he won't be such an appealing target if he fights back.

I wonder if he has a tendency of bottling things up as he's used to tolerating a bit more due to his brother's ASD and just needs an outlet.