DP shouted at me for smoking

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DP and I both used to smoke.

After having DS, I went quite full-on with rules and stuff. I was untrusting of people around him, I was paranoid that others thought I was a bad parent. I was quite extreme in some ways with it (I'm not really sure what other words to put it in).
One way was that I had told DP how furious I'd be if he smoked when we had DS. I didn't want second-hand smoke on him, I didn't want to be a bad role model as a parent, I didn't want to spend unnecessary money. I believe I told him at one point that I'd split with him if he started smoking behind my back (I wouldn't have I don't think, but I did feel really extreme about it).

DS is almost 2 now. I've been going through a bad time with my mental health and just feeling lost and detached and haven't felt able to speak to DP. He found tobacco today and when I admitted that I had actually been smoking the past few weeks (about one a day), he shouted and said I was a hypocrite, called me a disgusting person (infront of DS), said he was extremely disappointed and all of this. I expected him to ask why/what had happened as it was out of character for me but he just shouted. I get his point but I just feel like it was very harsh, especially infront of DS.

Am I being really unreasonable here? Or is he being slightly unreasonable too? It seems like such a petty thing to argue about but it's hit me.

To be honest, threatening to leave is a pretty nasty thing to do as a form of behaviour control.

It essentially means, stay in line, or I will take away the whole life away from us all, including myself and our child.

Necessary sometimes, sure, but not for something like this.

I’m sorry you are struggling. I had severe PND after my first DC was born so realise how debilitating it is and honestly, you need to do whatever works for you to get you through the day. I can’t honestly see what harm one cigarette a day smoked outside away from your DS will do. The bigger issue is your mental health and getting you healthy again, your DH should be focusing on that instead.

I don’t think YABU but don’t think he is either. I can see how you come across as hypocritical.

"would there be a similar reaction if the op was drinking more than usual, or started piling on weight through excessive eating brought on by MH issues? "

If the OP had been an emotionally controlling bully about those things and had threatened her partner with the loss of their family had they failed to adhered to her dicta, then yes, my reaction would be exactly the same.

I smoke, and I've had some pretty heavy mental health issues. I think YABU.
I understand the link between mental illness and smoking, I smoke more when I'm struggling. I also know that mental illness can lead to behaviour like you've explained about how you were about smoking when your son was born.
None of this is your fault. It is however your responsibility.
Regardless of the reason, you've been unreasonable and I think you know that, it sounds to me like you're feeling a bit like a victim in all this, and using your mental health as an excuse. It's very easy to have a skewed view of a situation when your mind isn't working like it should, but part of recovering and managing mental illness is accepting when you have been unreasonable and what the concequences are, and learning from that.
In your situation I'd apologise to DP, with no 'buts' or excuses. Admit you've been totally unreasonable, and that you realise he has the right to be angry at you. Then let it calm down before attempting a discussion about the root causes and how you can work through them together.
I've done a lot a stupid stuff when struggling, but I realised it hurt others and I needed to take responsibility for that. It's a work in progress when you have mental health issues, it really is, but I definitely feel better when I hold my hands up and say "You know what, yes I was unreasonable and I'm sorry for that"

People saying that smoking brings relief or makes coping with MH or other difficulties easier are not quite right.

Being addicted to nicotine (or alcohol or heroin or any other substance) will cause cravings when withdrawal begins. That’s why the first fag of the day is so satisfying - the body has been deprived of nicotine for several hours and withdrawal has set in. It’s the same with the first drink of the day for an alcoholic or the first cup of coffee for someone with caffeine addiction. Those first few tastes are perfection and any subsequent sips will not be as satisfying because the craving has been relieved.

If someone is already experiencing difficulties in one area of life it is not a good idea to add to those difficulties by going cold turkey on another problem. No-one would suggest that someone giving up drink should also do away with sugar, cigarettes and coffee simultaneously. It would be too much.

That’s why doctors and clinics accept that people with MH issues will often need to smoke, not because smoking is in itself calming and therapeutic, but because someone emotionally and mentally fragile might buckle under the additional burden of nicotine cravings and withdrawal.

And the problem with having just one small cigarette a day is that after a few days the body will become more used to nicotine and will need two cigarettes to get a satisfactory hit and then three etc. No one ever started off addicted to 40 fags a day or physically dependent on crack. Everyone starts with just one, it’s a gradual and insidious process.