DP shouted at me for smoking

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DP and I both used to smoke.

After having DS, I went quite full-on with rules and stuff. I was untrusting of people around him, I was paranoid that others thought I was a bad parent. I was quite extreme in some ways with it (I'm not really sure what other words to put it in).
One way was that I had told DP how furious I'd be if he smoked when we had DS. I didn't want second-hand smoke on him, I didn't want to be a bad role model as a parent, I didn't want to spend unnecessary money. I believe I told him at one point that I'd split with him if he started smoking behind my back (I wouldn't have I don't think, but I did feel really extreme about it).

DS is almost 2 now. I've been going through a bad time with my mental health and just feeling lost and detached and haven't felt able to speak to DP. He found tobacco today and when I admitted that I had actually been smoking the past few weeks (about one a day), he shouted and said I was a hypocrite, called me a disgusting person (infront of DS), said he was extremely disappointed and all of this. I expected him to ask why/what had happened as it was out of character for me but he just shouted. I get his point but I just feel like it was very harsh, especially infront of DS.

Am I being really unreasonable here? Or is he being slightly unreasonable too? It seems like such a petty thing to argue about but it's hit me.

@Intohellbutstayingstrong
Stress isn’t what the OP is talking about.
And there are better ways of dealing with stress anyway.

Are you planning on stopping now?

Hmm I'd say I know what I said but in the last two years I've realised smoking is a mistake and bad for your health, but not a relationship deal breaker, whereas being a shouty, controlling arse when dp is struggling is.

Sorry you have had some mental health issues - feel for you.
I understand your dp being shocked and angry when he discovered you had been smoking.
I don’t think at all that he should have shouted etc in front of your doibt he wishes he hadn’t as well.
Can you use this ‘exposure’ to admit to him you’ve been struggling a bit and need his support in helping you kick it again ??
Good luck - I used to smoke and also have historymofnlapsing without telling my dp (years ago) - I know unmakes you feel crap which won’t actually be helping your mental health.

If you went so over the top at him, then yes I think he has every right to be angry. You've done something you had previously said would end the relationship if he did it. It sounds like you were super controlling and are now being very hypocritical, particularly as you are down playing it now you are in the wrong.

I had quit smoking for 15 years and was vehemently anti-smoking but depression led me to start again. I beat myself up so badly over it, until my psychiatrist told me to stop the guilt. That sorting my mental health was the priority and I could deal with the smoking then.
Do you think your situation is similar?

You need to get proper help for your mental health.

But yes yabu especially after you where so vocal. One a day will easily become back into old habits.

Sorry but you can't make one set of rules for your self and one for him. You threatened to leave him if he smoked your lucky he isn't walking out of the door to be honest. Yabu

Besides, smoking always ramps up. Always.

How ridiculous. If that were true then anyone who has ever had a cigarette or even a long term smoking habit would still be smoking to this day and that is simply not true.

Maybe he's stressed too? You can't just expect him to be perfect but you get to use the excuse that you're stressed. You lied to him, you're hypocritical, you're spending family money on cigarettes and he can probably see a future where you start smoking again and he's tempted too. I'm not surprised he was angry with you and him shouting as a one-off when he's shocked is understandable and forgiveable (assuming it's not a regular thing to shout and there was nothing physical). Stop kidding yourself that this is just one cigarette at work because you're stressed; it will lead you back to smoking if you give an inch, so you need to go back to square one of giving up; stop now, throw the cigarettes away, say never again and do whatever you did before to get through the addiction stage. If you need anxiety meds then go to a GP for proper meds instead of smoking.

(Or get counselling or whatever your GP thinks is appropriate )

smoking is a mistake and bad for your health, but not a relationship deal breaker, whereas being a shouty, controlling arse when dp is struggling is.

Smoking is a relationship deal breaker for the OP though. She said it in the OP, where she threatened him that she would break up with him if he smoked. Which is why it's so immensely hypocritical that she did it behind his back. And how is the DP controlling? She's the one who banned him and threatened him in the first place!

Shouting isn’t great, but neither was smoking in secret. I think he’s right to be angry, but how he expresses it is the key. Most importantly you need help with your mental health, and probably more urgently than you acknowledge. Smoking is smelly and expensive and dangerous and you really don’t want to get hooked again.

Ok, others have responded about your OH so I'm just going to focus on one thing, smoking.

From your post it seems you've been stopped 3 years? No matter about anything else please please go now and throw it away. Right now. Forget everything else, that can be sorted. What can't be is you falling off the wagon if you don't address it quickly. You've been smoke free for this long don't fall at this hurdle. It's so so easy to get sucked back in amd hooked again. 1 a day will certainly do it

Yes I'm a smoker who.was an ex smoker and thought the odd one wouldn't matter

If you hadn't been the one smoking and it was your dh, how would you have reacted?

Your excuses of "I don't chain smoke" "I don't do it round ds" are just you trying to justify your actions.

Smoking eases anxiety short term but actually increases it overall so you're actually worsening your mental health by smoking.

In front of ds isn't ideal but at 2 he won't remember. You can't expect dh to be a perfect father - it's unrealistic.

YABVU and you bloody know it.

YABU. I would ask DH to leave if I found out he'd smoked.

YABU you threatened to break up your family if he ever smoked again and now you have. It is disgusting and I bet you would have still given him a hard time even if he had mental health issues to use it try and make excuses like you are. Shame, you need to apologise.

Sorry OP, but it is unforgivable to threaten to leave someone over an issue (smoking, here) and then do it yourself. Whatever your reasons were for the 'rules' in the first place, you have to stick to them yourself or admit you were wrong and apologise! You didn't do this, you just did what you wanted and that's what has upset your DH.

Are you seeing your GP or anyone else about your MH issues currently?

UABVU.
You are a hypocrite and your partner is quite right to pull you up on this. Your mental health issues are not a good enough excuse to be smoking when your partner was strictly forbidden to do so.

Just because you do not smoke around your DC doesn't mean he cannot smell the stench on your clothes and breathe that in.

You say you would have left your partner if he'd smoked around your child so does that mean you think he should leave you? No. Didn't think so. Absolutely hypocracy.

I’m sorry you’re suffering with your mental health op. I had a very similar ‘moment of weakness’ just after Christmas, I’d had a health scare, found out some shitty news second hand and just had a generally shit Christmas on top. I cracked, and after 3 years I had a cigarette. Followed by a few more. It only lasted a couple of weeks and I managed to completely stop again, but at the time I just needed that five minutes ‘me time’ in a day.

There’s so much histrionics going on in this thread. ‘I’d be more likely to leave my husband for smoking than cheating’? What an overreaction, people chose to put all manner of crap in their bodies every day, yet it’s smoking that makes a small minority lose their shit. Unfortunately most of them seem to be on MN, so you won’t get a balanced view. You were a hypocrite for having a go at your husband, and I’m sure he got angry with you over the same concerns you held. He shouldn’t have had a go in front of your child though, and it sounds like you need more support with your mental health instead of having to resort to secret smoking.

There’s so much histrionics going on in this thread. ‘I’d be more likely to leave my husband for smoking than cheating’? What an overreaction

No morel histrionic that when she herself told her DP that she'd split up with him if he started smoking behind her back @Donelikeakipper

So you said you would leave him and it would make him a bad parent if he smoked.

And now you are smoking....doesnt matter if it's one a day and you expect him to be ok?

One cigarette turns into 2, then 3 so easily - please stop while you will probably still find it relatively easy.

It's been shown that while people believe smoking helps with their stress, the opposite is true. Nicotine is a stimulant and makes mental health issues worse. Stopping is the best thing you can do.

Your dp will be ok. Apologise for going behind his back and he might apologise for shouting, but surely you can see why he might have had such an extreme reaction given your past statements?