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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP shouted at me for smoking

80 replies

namwchange · 07/03/2019 18:24

DP and I both used to smoke.

After having DS, I went quite full-on with rules and stuff. I was untrusting of people around him, I was paranoid that others thought I was a bad parent. I was quite extreme in some ways with it (I'm not really sure what other words to put it in).
One way was that I had told DP how furious I'd be if he smoked when we had DS. I didn't want second-hand smoke on him, I didn't want to be a bad role model as a parent, I didn't want to spend unnecessary money. I believe I told him at one point that I'd split with him if he started smoking behind my back (I wouldn't have I don't think, but I did feel really extreme about it).

DS is almost 2 now. I've been going through a bad time with my mental health and just feeling lost and detached and haven't felt able to speak to DP. He found tobacco today and when I admitted that I had actually been smoking the past few weeks (about one a day), he shouted and said I was a hypocrite, called me a disgusting person (infront of DS), said he was extremely disappointed and all of this. I expected him to ask why/what had happened as it was out of character for me but he just shouted. I get his point but I just feel like it was very harsh, especially infront of DS.

Am I being really unreasonable here? Or is he being slightly unreasonable too? It seems like such a petty thing to argue about but it's hit me.

OP posts:
NCforthis2019 · 08/03/2019 10:00

Yabu. You are a hypocrite. You did it behind his back. You say you would have left him if he did it - by that statement then he should leave you. Think before you make bold statements like that because they will come round to bite you - and this has.

cometinmoominvalley · 08/03/2019 10:02

It sounds like you were ultra controlling in the past (ok, due to mental health issues) and that's why he's so angry now. He was probably freaking out that you'd leave him if he put a foot wrong! So no I don't think he was being unreasonable. It sounds like his words were harsh but given the aggravation, it's understandable that he might shout at you in the heat of the moment. Not great, but definitely understandable.

I suspect you did quite a lot of damage to your relationship with him in the early days of parenthood and that's what needs addressing. Being vigilant about your baby's health and being anxious is normal, threats to leave him over something like that, constantly being controlling over everything - not okay at all. You need to talk to him about that I think, and accept that this was potentially abusive behaviour on your part and think about where you go from there.

I do understand about the relapse and having mental health problems though. I'm sorry you're going through that and I hope you can get things sorted out with your husband.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/03/2019 10:03

Well yes you are a hypocrite really aren’t you?

You said you’d be furious if your dp smoked once ds was born, yet here you are doing just that

Smoking isn’t going to cure any mental health issues you may or may not have, it could however lead to serious health problems......

BlueJava · 08/03/2019 10:05

UABVU and a hypocrite. I don't like the idea of him shouting at you infront of your DS - but considering you put all these rules in place and smoking kills I understand. If it was my OH I'd be mad too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/03/2019 10:07

Sorry you've been struggling, but yes. YABU and totally hypocritical.

You told DP you'd leave him if he smoked after DS, but it's OK for you to have 'just one a day'?

You've broken your own rules.

And it will soon creep up again. Knock it on the head again.

Mrsmadevans · 08/03/2019 10:10

YABU

Seaweed42 · 08/03/2019 10:12

Has smoking made the situation for yourself and your DH and your child any better?
Or has it made it worse?
Smoking generally makes things worse in the long run. Without exception. Smoking is a feelings management system.
Smoking gives the Illusion of control over our feelings. But it quickly ends up controlling you and telling you what to do, and what time of day to do it at.
You better buy a watch because you'll need it to constantly count down the minutes to the next cigarette.
It's a form of self harm and self-abuse that's still socially acceptable.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 08/03/2019 10:13

I've been in a similar situation, OP, following the death of my daughter. Thankfully, my husband was just concerned about the mental health problem I obviously had. I hated myself every time I lit up, but it was marginally better than cutting myself, which seemed like the only alternative. I was smoking much more than 1 a day, but thankfully was able to stop again relatively quickly and easily. I'd like to say I got the support I needed from my GP, but I didn't, although my priest was excellent and helped me through it.

I think it would be a good idea to try and sit down with your partner and discuss this calmly, without trying to justify your smoking, but trying to understand what is happening. Obviously you should stop immediately, but the smoking isn't really the biggest problem here. Shouting at you in front of your child is awful and that should be made clear, but my real concern is that for you to do something which you would normally find abhorrent, you must be under huge stress and suffering badly with your mental health. Have you seen a doctor?

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 08/03/2019 10:14

You threatened to leave him, with his baby if he smoked, now you try and justify why you're doing it, can you not see the hypocrisy? He shouldn't have shouted (although I understand why he did), but if you think shouting over smoking is an overreaction how do you think he felt when you threatened to leave with his baby if he did the same?

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 08/03/2019 10:14

YABU big style.

You sound like you have harangued your partner big style...

But you sound like you’ve got a lot of mental issues... you should get help.

MQv2 · 08/03/2019 10:15

Completely unreasonable and hypocritical, your husbands reaction was justified.

My wife had a habit of doing this on a smaller level. Not threatening to break up the family but coming up with new rules for behavior she had previously been fine with (phones/tablets in the bedroom, shoes in certain rooms) from both of us and expecting it to be adhered to before arbitrarily deciding again at a later date that this habit was ok in whatever exception she'd happened to find herself. Drove me mental but ultimately not a big deal.

If she'd been threatening to divorce and break up our family while doing the other things in secret of course you'd get angry.

Elloduckie · 08/03/2019 10:15

His reaction is OTT, I guess the silver lining here is your son saw and would likely come to think is not good to smoke. But serious talks are needed with your husband

winsinbin · 08/03/2019 10:18

You are supposed to be partners. One rule for you and another rule for him doesn’t sound fair or equal.

Alsohuman · 08/03/2019 10:18

So you threatened to end your relationship if he smoked but him shouting at you is beyond the pale when you did it. Hypocritical doesn’t even begin to cover it.

PurpleTrilby · 08/03/2019 10:20

Ah, come on folks. Things have moved on, the kid is now 2, OP has had recent problems and used the tiny, tiny crutch of one ciggie a day. Nicotine has an interesting effect, it levels out the cortisone levels in our brain, so if you're depressed it brings the level up to normal, but if you're manic it bring the level down to normal. This is known through "impeccable research" done on nicotine especially in relation to mental health. The quote marks are because I'm quoting Oliver James from his book They F* You Up, he references academic research, he's a qualified psychologist. He notes from the reseach that 95% of mental hospital patients smoke, they are self medicating and it works. So no, I don't think you were unreasonable, OP, I think you're absolutely right it would have been helpful for him to ask why and not just launch into a rant at you. It's a great book, by the way.

FizzyGreenWater · 08/03/2019 10:21

Sorry you have been an UTTER hypocrite. Don't make it worse by bleating 'but it's only one a day...' - can't you see how crap that makes you look?! At least own it. No wonder he's so furious - it's not only the smoking, he must have really had a surprise that you'd be such a weasel.

Paperdoll1 · 08/03/2019 10:27

I think you were both being very idealistic and perhaps you both need to see that you don't have to be perfect to be good parents - you just have to keep trying to work on your imperfections. Ultimately, your child is going to have weaknesses and make mistakes in his/ her life and he/ she needs to know that you will be forgiving and supportive when he/ she does and that he/ she should not feel that he/ she needs to hide things from you for fear of judgement.

AwayToday · 08/03/2019 10:29

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

ifoundthebread · 08/03/2019 10:32

My dp and I were both smokers before children, I was smoking 20 a day, dp not so many - maybe 10. Got pregnant had to quit, dp also quit with me. That was October 2014, if I found out now my dp had been smoking I'd be furious - 1. For keeping secrets regarding his health from me. 2. For wasting money as its an expensive habit and 3. Because I miss smoking, I enjoyed it and gave it up for my kids and the fact I don't start again for point 2. Talk to him, he may be struggling with something and felt he couldn't turn back to the crutch of smoking because of how you felt and then found out you were doing it anyway.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/03/2019 10:33

Aside from the smoking issue, you said, you haven't felt able to speak to DP about the tough time you're having.

I just wondered why that is?

ReanimatedSGB · 08/03/2019 10:41

I think the problem is not so much smoking but the fact that you have been a bully as well as a hypocrite. You seem to think it's fine for you to shout at your partner and threaten him, but if you do something wrong your 'mental health' remains your free pass to do what you want with no consequences.

I think you should be looking into some serious therapy, because if you go on behaving as though everything you do is fine and everyone has to obey you or else, you will have a very tough time and so will your DC.

DoneLikeAKipper · 08/03/2019 10:46

@ShatnersWig, the op has evidently been struggling since the birth of her child. Mental health doesn’t excuse every bit of crappy behaviour, but the pile-on here is ridiculous. What the hell happened to a bit of sympathy for those struggling, would there be a similar reaction if the op was drinking more than usual, or started piling on weight through excessive eating brought on by MH issues? No one can deny the hypocrisy, but that seems to be one of the less severe issues the op is going through at the moment. Further verbal beatings is definitely not helpful, just because posters here think smoking is worse than murder is seems.

Frecklesonmyarm · 08/03/2019 11:14

DoneLikeAKipper and would the OP have given him a pqssbof he had been struggling too?

No, she told him she would leave.

She set out her very controlling stall. But only he has to abide by these rules.

And yes, if she told him that putting on weight would mean she would split with him. Then piled weight on, I would be saying the same.

DoneLikeAKipper · 08/03/2019 11:24

No, she told him she would leave.

She also said she probably didn’t mean it, and reading about the early days with a baby she sounds like she was at least suffering with anxiety. I was the same, even as an ex-smoker I didn’t want family members who smoked near my baby, and felt sick whenever they picked them up for a cuddle. However, as I said in a previous post I also cracked myself recently. Times change, personal situations change, and more importantly struggling mothers sometimes crack and do things they would think badly of others doing. It’s more worrying that the OP couldn’t feel that she could tell her partner she was feeling like this and had to hide something that ultimately caused such a huge argument.

Frecklesonmyarm · 08/03/2019 11:28

She also said she probably didn’t mean it, and reading about the early days with a baby she sounds like she was at least suffering with anxiety.

That's not the point though. You dont get to give your partner ultimatum, even if you really mean then.....then go and do it yourself anyway.

Maybe she cant tell him how she feels because he is fed up of being told what to do all the time and switched off.

Mental health is not an excuse for this. A man would be told her abusive for this stuff even if he had mental health issues

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