DD is always late for school

[Willowind]

We moved about 40 minutes away from our old town in January. DD age 14 decided she didn't want to move schools. She'd just started at this school in September, at the start of year 9 so it's understandable that she wouldn't want to move again. We agreed that if she got up on time and didn't complain about the commute then she could stay at the school. We leave the house at 7:30, i drive her to the bus station, the bus leaves at 8:00 and gets there at about half past and then walks 10 minutes to school. However she's late most days, she's not been on time at all this week as she gets up too late then misses the bus. The bus comes every half an hour so if she just misses the bus she'll wait at the station for the next one. Today it too late to even be attempting to get there so she came with me to drop off DS then we went on to the bus station afterwards so she'll be about an hour late for school. I'm considering moving her to a closer school, there's plenty of local schools just as good as the one she's currently going to. She can't keep being this late when it comes to year 10 and 11

My 15yr old has a very long commute as we moved and she adores her school. We have to get up at 6:15 to get up and drive her to the train station for 7.
She gets everything ready the night before and if she's not up despite her 2 alarms I'll just go in and wake her. Not sure why you can't just get her out of bed?

That’s very early for a kid her age to be getting up and being mentally awake enough to concentrate on getting ready and out the door.
Don’t be ridiculous both my teens are up at 6am to leave at 7am for a 40 min two bus journey to school.
It’s a very normal thing to do.

Take away her phone etc at night, she can have them when she's dressed and packed.

Put her phone in the car so she has to get in there to get it?

Get her a dumb phone? She earns back her normal phone by being on time.

I wonder why so many posters are so quick to assume the problem is caused by a phone or tablet. Teenagers are notorious for not being able to get up in the mornings and there has been a lot of research showing that their body clocks simply aren't in tune with early mornings.

I was appalling at getting up in the morning when I was a teen. Rarely out of bed before 8.30am. It was the mid-1980s so definitely no mobile devices to blame.

Cripes at 12 I was getting up and leaving the house at 7.10am to get the 2 buses to school. I changed schools at 14 but still had to get the same first bus to the bus station. I was never late. Parent her and get her up!

She was rarely late when we lived about a 15 minute walk away, it's due to the early start, i am coming in and waking her up, pulling the covers off, turning the light on but she's difficult to wake up. She was on time for first week or two after we moved. She's getting detentions when she's late and I've had countless talks with her about it

Absolutely what Canshopwillshop said - you’d already moved her once since she started secondary & then you moved again & expect her to go through moving again?

It’s really not fair on her & you need to take responsibility to a degree - of course she wants to stay at the one she settled in, moving schools & having to find your place socially & get used to the school is a big deal.

As for morning timings - we’ve found a written schedule (up at x o’clock, shower by x o’clock etc) helps manage expectations & get a sense of how long things actually take.

At 14 if you move her again she is likely to resent you & be disrupted both educationally and socially - a lot of adults I’ve met who moved a lot of times as a child seem rootless/find it hard to make lasting bonds. So with regard to moving her again (& how often will this happen?) depends whether that bothers you or not really? I’m surprised at the lack of empathy for her on this thread tbh, we were all teenagers once..

Op what time is she going to bed. My dd age 14 is in bed at 9 to get up at 6. Nine hours sleep is necessary for teens.

i am coming in and waking her up, pulling the covers off, turning the light on but she's difficult to wake up.

One of my teens is like this too. Everyone else in the house is woken up by his alarms (yes, plural, all going off simultaneously), yet he can sleep on through, despite them being right next to his ears. I go in, open the curtains, take off the duvet, kiss him (haha!), and make him have a coherent conversation with me where he has to make a decision (would he like a cup of tea and what sort of tea does he want - he has to tell me which flavour), but he's still quite capable of falling back into a deep sleep again within a few seconds.

Be very careful about moving school. Lots of schools now start covering GCSE curriculum in year 9, so if she moves from one that hasn't started yet to one where the other kids are already a year in, she will be very behind. Her current school will also have been preparing her for the exam board they use, but a different school could mean sitting a different exam, or even different optional subjects.

If she's not getting up on time then surely the obvious answer is to go and wake her. Not ideal but surely better than risking her failing her exams, which could result from either moving or been an hour late every day.

earlier bedtime would surely sort this?

I get what you're saying but you HAVE to get her up in time. She needs to understand you need business as well. If she fails to get up then she is moving to a nearer school, whether she likes it or not.

DS1 is younger (Y7) but started secondary in September. Similar timings. We need to leave the house at 7.30 on the dot in order for him to catch the 7.49 train. He then has a 15 minute train journey and a further 10 minute walk to school.

I HAVE to get him up.

Everything is done the night before - I make sure he has done his homework and packed his bag. I make him a snack bag. I take his phone off him at 8pm. His uniform is put out ready. If he has games or PE the next day, thats ready and waiting at the door.

I give him a warning wakeup at 6.50am. I open the blinds so its light. At 7.05 I cajole him into getting up. Its not easy. I fucking hate it. He's massive and man sized and I have to nag nag nag. He gets up, or he loses his screen time after school.
He usually manages to get downstairs at 7.15 dresses, so he has some toast, brushes his teeth at 7.25 and its shoes on, handover phone and snack bag, and out the door and in the car at 7.30.

(I'm blessed to have a younger one who gets up 6.30, but who knows how much longer thats going to last)

teenagers do need a lot of sleep - it's not their fault and we tend to complain but not really in their control.

She does possibly need to go to bed a bit earlier and possibly no phones in room (I don't know her general habits) but most helpful would prob be:

• Tell her you are leaving at 7:15 every day next week and stick to it.

• Put some kind of punishment in place if you aren't out of the house at 7:15, and mean it (e.g. no TV, nothing nice for supper etc, as she clearly knows you won't actually leave without her)

• Help her get ALL her stuff ready the night before, including all school stuff needed, right down to setting out her underwear & tights and buy some suitable filling breakfast foods to eat in the car.

She just needs help getting into the habit. This - mostly- worked with ours at this age

At the end of the day she needs to either get up on time or move school. Yes it'd be sad to have to move again but if she really can't get out if bed then what choice do you have?

I'd sit her down and tell her she's got til Easter to sort her shit out. Ask her what help she needs from you and help her get organised but ultimately its up to her.

I understand moving can be difficult, she was having problems with her old school so I didn't want to wait to move schools whilst sorting out moving houses. This was her first time moving schools besides from primary to secondary. Moving house has been beneficial for all my DC, obviously the school situation with DD isn't ideal but I think she could easily settle into a new school if she wanted to or she'll have to try harder to get up in the morning. We discussed whether she was moving schools or not for a while, looked at different transport and came to an agreement. I take her part way, she takes a bus the rest of the way

@suasagerollers nailed it. Bed earlier and enforce it. Being late everyday is a terrible habit and detrimental to her learning. 40 mins isn’t a long commute.

I have a 14 year old dd, so instead of waking her up on time, wake her up a good half an hour earlier.

Phone should always be downstairs with you, and she doesn't get to look at it until she is completely ready and in the car.

All uniform and bags laid out the day before. It is not hard.

Give her one week to get up on time, every single day or switch schools, and mean it.

You are allowing her to fail op, you are in charge here, she might be fourteen but she still needs parenting and guidance.

Totally agree with @MyDcAreMarvel teenagers need 9 hours sleep according to New Scientist and this is usually not achieved due to the time they go to bed.

Ds1 is almost 16, he is up at 6.30am and gets into the shower. No issues with him getting out of bed, probably because he knows he gets tired and goes to bed at the latest 9.30pm. He is also very academic and knows that sleep is important for learning.

His phone (on silent) pings at 2 and 3am by his friends/acquaintances just talking shit. They clearly aren't asleep and then struggle in school.

Stop leaving the room when your DD doesn't get out of bed. My friend had this (her son is now in his 20s) but when he was at secondary school he was a nightmare to get out of bed, she said I go in about 4 times, I said why is there a need for the second? Don't leave the room, they get up when you tell them to.

There has to be consequences at home for her lateness too. She wanted to remain at that school so she has to get there on time.

Also you need to aware that the school any day now will be writing to you or calling you to discuss her being late every day, they rightly hold you accountable for dd being late every day, and will be concerned about her home situation. A child constantly being late is a red flag and will be addressed.

Take control of this now before it spirals into a much bigger problem.

Springwalk has said what I came on to say. Added to that I'd actually drag her out of the bed if she refused to get up. She doesn't get to hold up the morning routine especially as you are accommodating her to stay at her school of choice. I'd give her one more chance to cop on and get to school on time, otherwise she'd be moving school.

You aren't getting it. It's not just up to her to get harder... It's on you. You are the parent. You are responsible. She is still a child.

You get her up, even if you need to drag her out if bed and talk at her until she responds. You get her up. If you're unwilling to parent her then move her schools now, because the school will report you if it carries on.

I hated getting up as a teenager. But there was no choice. Dad would come in, wake us, open curtains etc. He'd come back a few minutes later if we weren't u. After that, the fires of hell would rain down on us if we didn't get moving... (okay, somewhat of an exaggeration! ) But basically, there were no options to just not get up. There were consequences if we didn't. We'd be yelled at. we'd have privileges taken away. Etc. I don't blame her for struggling, nor do I blame you for being frustrated at how hard it is to wake her up, but I think you're being way too passive about this.

Make it clear what is expected and what will happen if she doesn't. Not least is that she'll have to change schools. Then get on with it.

And if it makes you feel better, I can already tell we are going to have this problem with DS in a few years. And I foresee that mornings are going to be very tense for a while in our house.

A cold wet flannel to the face was sometimes used in our house to get people up who'd ignored alarms, shouts, threats to tickle etc.

Scooting throught the thread so may have missed this. Lots of PPs mention phone. Does she have her phone in her room at night?

Easy solution : take it off her. Phones are the number one sleep preventer!

I don't mean to sound superior but my DCs (and me) never have phones in rooms. To be fair, they have had really set routines since infancy and so have always woken up around 7 am (even when I dodn't want them to!). Even DS1 (now 17) gets up fairly willingly. it's about resetting the body clock.

One of my teens is like this too. Everyone else in the house is woken up by his alarms (yes, plural, all going off simultaneously), yet he can sleep on through, despite them being right next to his ears. Oh yes, I've got one of these too! Everyone else wakes up, DC is still snoring... I have no idea how it's not waking them up when the rest of us hear it so clearly!

On a more serious note, whichever poster said GCSE prep often starts in Year 9 now is right, but not all schools do the same board, so there are variations between them. (Even though the new 9-1 syllabuses were meant to present subject skills more consistently, regardless of exam boards, the reality is there are huge differences between them, and that can throw even the most organised and enthusiastic student if they have to move schools mid-GCSE studies. (I'm part-time and have taught two of the exam boards in a core subject, and there are very noticeable differences between them).

But if your daughter really wants to stay at her old school she now needs to work with you to prove she can make it work consistently. Might be worth talking to the school so that you all agree on consistent consequences in both places (many schools offer a 'home/school contract' type arrangement the student has to sign) and then a strict time limit - say May half term - beyond which (if your daughter is still late consistently) the only option is move her closer to you ready for September at the start of Year 10. And then stick to it, no matter what.

Heck, I had to get the bus at 7.15am every day when I started secondary school at 11. I had no say in the school, my parents simply chose the nearest Catholic one. But it it was a 12 mile bus ride away. The school subsidised a private coach company to pick us up - there were no public bus services - and because of the meandering route (we were the first pick-up) it took an hour to get tos school. My dad dropped me off at the bus stop before 7.10am every day on his way to work, mum also had work, and that was that. There was no other option, no one to take me, no other public bus service option. School were also hardline on lateness. I wouldn't have dared mess around in the morning to be late for the bus!

Your DD is 14, older than I was, and it's her choice of school! Two advantages I didn't have! So, either she can choose to get her act together (with your help to start with) or she can choose not to = but if she chooses not to, then you have to have the next step/the neq school ready before she gets to Year 10.

Sorry, that was longer than I intended - well done if you bothered to read it all!

She usually has her phone in her bedroom but I took it off her a few days ago because of a different situation. She's still late though. As for bedtime she has a shower at about 8 sometimes a bit later then if she's not in her bedroom by 9:30, 10 at latest I'll tell her to go up. I'll check on her before I go to sleep at about 11, she's sometimes asleep but not always but then some days she's asleep before 10. If she's still up with the light onwhen I check on her I'll tell her to turn it off and try to go to sleep