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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on child access needed

20 replies

Syncretia · 06/03/2019 23:40

I split with partner 24th Jan 2019 he moved in the with his new girlfriend 29th Jan 2019. he is wanting to take our 19 month daughter to stop at his girlfriends house for the weekend. I’ve told him it’s too soon in a relationship to introduce our daughter to a partner. He has stated that the courts would let him have the access so I better agree.

Is there anything I can do to prevent him taking her there. He has never looked after our daughter for more than a few hours on his own. She fell down the stairs when she was in his care when she was 16 months old. One day when he was visiting our daughter he mentioned that his girlfriend was completely drunk by half 5.
I just don’t think she will be safe there as the garden has decking with just chains on and a 5 foot drop the other side. Ex has tendency to leave doors unlocked and open.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 06/03/2019 23:45

He has stated that the courts would let him have the access so I better agree.

The courts probably would, but that doesn’t mean you have to agree to it before they order you to. Let him take it to court. That will at least give it a few months for their relationship to decide whether it’s for keeps or not. Don’t be bullied by him OP.

Parly · 06/03/2019 23:48

@Syncretia

Ultimately there's not much you can do to stop your daughter staying at this new girlfriend's house with him I'm afraid no.

If there are worries or other risk that gives a stronger indication about her safety it'd be a different story but she's his daughter and means he has the right to take her with him and stay overnight too.

It is very soon and I'm surprised the new girlfriend is on board with it but tempted to think this is maybe his deliberate effort to make you angry or jealous and just get a reaction.

All I'd do is maybe ask if he can let you know her address or contact number in case of emergency which I'm sure he won't let you have initially cos he sounds a bit of a dick but if you're entirely reasonable, fair and don't the bait it sounds like he's laying out for you he can't argue much.

Push comes to shove and you really are worried or something happens, go get some free advice from citizens advice

Original poster

Syncretia · 07/03/2019 00:52

He has never put our daughter to bed before and doesn’t know what she eats and at what times. He didn’t even know where her bottles were kept when I was in hospital for surgery on the 11th January 2019. So he has never taken any interest in our daughter before but now he is wanting to play happy families with his new girlfriend.

He was saying from the age of 3 weeks that should just give her whisky in her bottles to make her go to sleep.

So I do have concerns about her safety and welfare. As I said he let her fall down the stairs as he was too busy to pay any attention.

He has said that him and his girlfriend will quite happily go for full custody of our daughter as his girlfriend apparently will make a better mum to her then me.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/03/2019 00:59

Ignore him. He’s full of guff. You don’t even have to respond to his shite. You know that don’t you?

pizzabadger · 07/03/2019 00:59

I'm not 100% sure how likely it that the courts would give him access but it is very very unlikely that they would give him full custody

Definitely do not let him have access until it's been through court though

ReanimatedSGB · 07/03/2019 01:04

Just keep stonewalling and stalling him - and collect as much evidence as you can of his poor parenting skills, drinking, carelessness etc. With no court order in place, you can tell him to piss off and there is nothing he can do about it on the spot - he can't call the police to 'make' you hand over a small child to a mouthy drunk. He probably won't sober up and get off his arse for long enough to take you to court but, if he does, you can still make it difficult for him to see your DC unsupervised: you could request drug/alcohol tests, for example.
And surround yourself with kind, supportive people.

Original poster

Syncretia · 07/03/2019 01:12

It doesn’t help that i work in the same office as him and his new girlfriend. His new girlfriend was engaged to someone else until the 28th January 2019.

I probably am quite bitter about the situation as they got together as I was being no fun while I was going through cervical cancer treatment.

I’m collecting evidence of his failures as a parent like him telling me he wasn’t seeing his daughter just after the split as he didn’t want to get attached to her now. If he wasn’t attached to his daughter after 18 months don’t see why seeing her for a weekend would make much difference.

OP posts:

ILoveMaxiBondi · 07/03/2019 01:22

Keep every text/email/FB message he sends you. Write down dates and times of every interaction and what was said/done.

beenhereages1 · 07/03/2019 07:05

Totally agree with @ILoveMaxiBondi , keep everything, screen shot text messages where he has threatened you etc

I went through court when DS1 was younger, I had loads of evidence, Ex didn't. It definitely went in my favour as I could be certain about dates things happened etc.

Stand your ground

Good luck x

ReanimatedSGB · 09/03/2019 13:06

Yup, collect all the evidence, be calm, polite and detached when you deal with him - and if he pesters you at work, report him to HR. (IF he's a stroppy pisshead, he'll probably get fired soon anyway.)

Original poster

Syncretia · 09/03/2019 15:32

@ReanimatedSGB.
I told work that he had sent me over 33 messages in 5 hours instead of doing his work and because he is a team leader the sector manager said they don’t mind what he does they are only bothered if it affects my work then I need to ensure I get support to make sure I reach my targets.

Decided to start job hunting.

I’m collecting all the evidence I can like me saying he can come and visit daughter for up to 8 hours. He managed an hour and a half before he said he had other stuff he wanted to do.

OP posts:

chuttypicks · 09/03/2019 15:34

Make him take you to court. He's an asshole and probably won't even bother. Don't let him make you do anything you don't agree with without a court order.

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 09/03/2019 15:38

Tell him all communication will be via a solicitor now. He sounds on the verge of harrassing you op.
Keep a diary, write a time line and get on with your life.
Wouldn't be expecting a letter on your mat anytime soon imo.

emilybrontescorsett · 09/03/2019 15:41

Bloody hell op they both sound delightful.
Good advice on here though.
Good luck.

Thesearmsofmine · 09/03/2019 15:50

He sounds like a total asshole. Be glad he is no longer sharing your bed.

Definitely keep evidence of everything that he sad or does.
Is there anyone higher you can speak to regarding his behaviour at work?

It sounds like the type of situation where she will soon get pregnant and then they will not bother with your daughter.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 09/03/2019 15:51

At her age overnight contact would be built up to. Keep offering as you are with a view to building up contact. He may talk the talk but half the men who are so vocal about contact won't walk the walk.

If he keeps harassing you then formally request he stops and if he doesn't then contact the police x

RhymingRabbit · 09/03/2019 16:03

Courts would likely give him regular access but at 19 months it might not be overnight access- particularly if he has never had overnights before.

As for work - the texts are evidence that he was harassing you in your work place. If his line manager is unwilling to act on this contact HR.

Original poster

Syncretia · 09/03/2019 16:53

I’ve given him the chance to see her here at weekends and even said he could sleep on sofa during the week if he really wanted to see his daughter. He has been managing two hours a weekend that’s it.

I don’t want him to have her over there as he hurt her 3 weeks ago trying to get her dressed.

Plus the fact that he thinks his new garden is safe for a child when there is a 5 foot drop the other side worries me.

OP posts:

BollocksToBrexit · 09/03/2019 17:39

The drop is irrelevant. Plenty of good parents live with that or much much higher.

The fact he can't be arsed to spend more than an hour with her is. The fact that she gets hurt under his supervision is. The fact that he's proposed putting whiskey in her bottle to get her to sleep is beyond comprehension.

I'd insist on supervised contact (like you're doing) and let him take you to court for anything else. That's what I did and he couldn't be bothered. He initiated court proceeding but gave up once it became obvious he was required to put some effort in.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 09/03/2019 18:13

He has been managing two hours a weekend that’s it.

Write down exact times of when he arrives, when he leaves, what he does with her (like if he ignores her to play on his phone) and what his reasons are for not staying the full time agreed.

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