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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to tell them unless they ask?

57 replies

Marchinupandownagain · 06/03/2019 19:25

So, about to leave my job and take an extended leave which may end in absolute retirement - depending how I get on. Have been very fortunate to come into an inheritance which with care will last me until pension and then a bit.

Have been speaking to the adult DSs - on phone as they both live at quite a distance - and as I avoid moaning about work (it's not much fun at present for various reasons) I haven't yet told them. And y'know? I'm not sure I want to, unless they ask.

Mainly because DS1's partner is one of those occasionally sharp-tongued and a bit self-righteous types who harps on about how Boomers [I'm not quite old enough to be a Boomer really, but DH is] are responsible for everything bad in Millennials' lives/ruined the economy/voted Leave ( personally, we didn't) and so on. And I anticipate a huge gripe, whether in my hearing or out of it, about "all right for some, meanwhile we will never own property/get to retire/get any pension etc etc"

Yes we are very lucky and no I NEVER talk about Millennials needing to save/ not eating avocado toast (although, bleurgh avocados) or whatever - it's tougher for them and I know it hence the help. But I also don't roll over and say "yes, yes, it's all our fault, sorry sorry sorry" because it isn't. Unless you count the rise in two earner families pushing up house prices which as a feminist I am NOT apologising for. And as Ben Goldacre says re science "I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that" and there are a lot of poor pensioners.

In fact I have told both sons we will give them generous property deposits and have always put our hands in our pockets and given practical help when they have come across unexpected expenses/tasks like moving at short notice to take up jobs/flats. You can't take it all with you and I do believe in redistributing income between the generations starting with my family.

So they won't go short, although if I work more years I would have even more to give/leave them. But then DH could die before then and so could I - there's been quite a rash of early deaths amongst extended colleagues in the last year or two.

So - cowardly of me not to dip my toe in the swamp but not volunteering the information? Or am I NBU to keep schtum unless directly asked?

OP posts:
isseywithcats · 06/03/2019 19:29

i dont blame you for not telling them especially as they dont live locally to you its your life, as someone who is 62 doing a hard physical job that because the government shafted our generation i have to carry on doing till im 66 i would do exactly the same in your shoes if i had an inheritance cushion

Sparklesocks · 06/03/2019 19:29

Would you not tell them about the inheritance, or the work leave? It just seems a bit strange to me to actively hide a big life change from my family like that.
When you’re just not at work anymore won’t they eventually ask why you’re never working anymore, and then once you tell them you’ve been on leave since X, won’t they find it a bit odd?

Original poster
Marchinupandownagain · 06/03/2019 19:34

Sparke: they know about the inheritance as it's from sale of property and we have talked about going down clearing out grandma's flat and so on. Had they wanted to they could search it on Rightmove and work out how much (don't know if they have, don't think so).

I know what you mean about telling in retrospect, I just don't want possibly to cause ill feeling. See above re wimping out ...

Honestly, it's probably my fear that DS1's partner, whom I don't desperately like, will be having a bitch about me. But I may be being unkind and they wouldn't.

OP posts:
SummersB · 06/03/2019 19:35

Nah fuck it, don’t tell them about the money! I would tell them about no longer working if you do decide to retire though, otherwise that would be a bit weird I think. Shame you have to justify yourself th your children though, especially if you have been so supportive in the past!

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 06/03/2019 19:36

Don't tell them about the inheritance, tell them you're considering your options regarding retirement.
And tell the sharp tongued partner of DS to fact check her opinions and/or keep her nose out generally Grin

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 06/03/2019 19:38

Oops cross post. Surely there won't be ill feeling... will they not just recognise that you have worked hard for many years???

SummersB · 06/03/2019 19:39

Ah ok, sorry I misunderstood your op. I don’t know - I think I would tell them and not care about a partner potentially bitching. But I don’t really care what others say behind my back. I have no control over it and realistically they could be slagging me off all day left, right and centre, I wouldn’t know anyway and so it has no real bearing on my day to day life! It’s been a bit of a life changer when I came to this realisation a few years ago Smile

Sparklesocks · 06/03/2019 19:39

It’s up to you of course, there just might be a small fallout/confusion if they do find out (I.e if you’re catching up and mention all the things you’re doing in your new free time)- I must admit if one of my parents stopped working and didn’t tell me I would just be confused as to why it was a big secret! But it’s your life and your decision.

whywhywhy6 · 06/03/2019 19:40

Tell them or don’t tell them. You are not obliged. YANBU.

BlueJava · 06/03/2019 19:41

I don't think YABU. What money you have, your job, what you decide to do is not up to them!

BlueSkiesLies · 06/03/2019 19:42

I would tell them. Feels a bit strange to keep such a major life change a secret!

dreichuplands · 06/03/2019 19:45

IT is entirely your decision how you spend your money but DH and I would be pretty surprised in our parents gave up work without mentioning it, even in passing to us. We live on the other side of the world to them but it would seem a rather large thing to not let us know.

Drum2018 · 06/03/2019 19:47

I wouldn't bother telling them. It's not their concern. Knowing will not change anything for them. Keep your inheritance to use as you wish and enjoy life. They are old enough to form and fund their own lives and shouldn't need to be sponging off you for anything.

Amfeelingfline · 06/03/2019 19:48

Your life, your money, your rules, it shouldn’t be an issue.. gosh I keep trying to get my dad and in-laws to travel, spend their hard earned cash, all are retired now but if any of them were still working and wanted to retire early, i’d say go for it and not moan or bitch...you seem generous enough by offering financial help already... i’d rather them enjoy their time then have a massive inheritance personally, so I probably would tell them

recrudescence · 06/03/2019 19:49

Do what’s right for you. And enjoy your retirement if that’s what you choose - I know I am. However, I don’t have children so my boomer guilt about the Millennials’ plight is a bit more abstract.

44PumpLane · 06/03/2019 19:50

What a shame that your decision on whether to tell your children or not seems entirely driven by your sons partner. She must be a proper whinger if it's bad enough to stop you sharing what should be lovely news for you!!

However of its going to save you some earache just claim you didn't intend to retire hut just took a sabattival and kept meaning to mention it!

chuffnstuff · 06/03/2019 19:52

I don't see why you need to tell them. Your life, your decision. It's not like they probably share all their information with you either.

Enjoy Thanks

SittingAround1 · 06/03/2019 19:53

You could tell them a small white lie, such as you're being pushed into early retirement / being made redundant or that you can't carry on in your work because of your horrible boss.
Although you don't have to do justify any of your life decisions. I'd tell them as it seems a bit weird not to but then you don't have to at all.

AdoraBell · 06/03/2019 19:55

Absolutely your decision to not tell them. Enjoy your potential retirement.

ForalltheSaints · 06/03/2019 19:57

You are not obliged. The only thing to consider is how they contact you should something bad happen- no chance they could phone you at your shortly to be ex-work?

Springwalk · 06/03/2019 19:58

I don't think you need to explain yourself. It is your life op.

AJPTaylor · 06/03/2019 20:01

Don't apologise, don't explain
Wise words from my ddad that fit perfectly here.

Original poster
Marchinupandownagain · 06/03/2019 20:03

Floral - they would always phone our home as DH is 'properly' retired and usually in - or my mobile at a pinch

OP posts:
PrismGuile · 06/03/2019 20:03

As a young millennial here... don't tell them, it'll be much nicer all round. They won't feel hard done by and you don't have to feel judged... just say you've moved to flexible working to explain random tuesdays off etc

CannyLad · 06/03/2019 20:05

I think it depends how close to retirement you are. If it's a couple of years then fair enough, but if it's longer and consequently a fair chunk of cash that will be spent to maintain your lifestyle I think they may well feel a little disgruntled. I get that you don't want to come across as privileged, but let's be honest , that's exactly what you are in this case. And you may have said that you will help your DCs financially, but you might not and they have no certainty until it happens. Retirement might not be the bundle of laughs you hope for if you're on a tight budget so as not to be seen to be frittering away cash!

I think the kindest thing all round would be to sit your DCs down and explain the situation, not as a discussion but an explanation so they at least have chance to express their feelings. You might be surprised, they might congratulate you and all will be well (fingers crossed).