Not to tell them unless they ask?

[Marchinupandownagain]

So, about to leave my job and take an extended leave which may end in absolute retirement - depending how I get on. Have been very fortunate to come into an inheritance which with care will last me until pension and then a bit.

Have been speaking to the adult DSs - on phone as they both live at quite a distance - and as I avoid moaning about work (it's not much fun at present for various reasons) I haven't yet told them. And y'know? I'm not sure I want to, unless they ask.

Mainly because DS1's partner is one of those occasionally sharp-tongued and a bit self-righteous types who harps on about how Boomers [I'm not quite old enough to be a Boomer really, but DH is] are responsible for everything bad in Millennials' lives/ruined the economy/voted Leave ( personally, we didn't) and so on. And I anticipate a huge gripe, whether in my hearing or out of it, about "all right for some, meanwhile we will never own property/get to retire/get any pension etc etc"

Yes we are very lucky and no I NEVER talk about Millennials needing to save/ not eating avocado toast (although, bleurgh avocados) or whatever - it's tougher for them and I know it hence the help. But I also don't roll over and say "yes, yes, it's all our fault, sorry sorry sorry" because it isn't. Unless you count the rise in two earner families pushing up house prices which as a feminist I am NOT apologising for. And as Ben Goldacre says re science "I think you'll find it's a bit more complicated than that" and there are a lot of poor pensioners.

In fact I have told both sons we will give them generous property deposits and have always put our hands in our pockets and given practical help when they have come across unexpected expenses/tasks like moving at short notice to take up jobs/flats. You can't take it all with you and I do believe in redistributing income between the generations starting with my family.

So they won't go short, although if I work more years I would have even more to give/leave them. But then DH could die before then and so could I - there's been quite a rash of early deaths amongst extended colleagues in the last year or two.

So - cowardly of me not to dip my toe in the swamp but not volunteering the information? Or am I NBU to keep schtum unless directly asked?

"just claim you didn't intend to retire but just took a sabbatical and kept meaning to mention it!"

It's what I'm telling colleagues, especially those I know would like to retire but can't yet - don't want to make them feel any worse. Also I will remain registered with my professional body so technically could go back if I don't leave it too long.

Tell your DS's partner she's being a twat. I (a millennial) was able to buy property - I just had to move to a less expensive city and save up. Yes it's harder than maybe a generation ago, but not impossible.

But no, I wouldn't tell them. And if they find out I'd be clear to point out why I didn't mention it in the first place (her judgy behavior).

If they know about the inheritance then I’d tell them. They may be expecting you to pass some down. They (or your son’s partner) will likely be more sympathetic if the money is going to something worthwhile rather than just sitting there. Families who genuinely want to redistribute between the generations tend to pass on the inheritance quite quickly.

More generally I think it’s really odd to hold back telling them about such a big life change. I’d be hurt if one of my parents didn’t tell me they’d stopped working.

"And you may have said that you will help your DCs financially, but you might not "

No, I definitely will, the cash is already stowed away specifically for that purpose. I have never broken my word on promises of help (paid for No1 son's driving lessons until he passed, just as I promised for a 21st present, even though it was 8 years later he finally did!) and they know that.

I say own it, declare it and be proud. Dare she say anything then you 'll have time to think of the perfect comeback. Why should you have to skulk around hiding. If it'd had been keeping quiet about the money then I'd of agreed but as they already know about that....

If the money is already set aside why aren’t you giving it to them already? They’re adults, do you not trust them?

" They may be expecting you to pass some down"

I'm going to - several tens of thousands each. Just not all of it. Mum lived in a very nice part of the south east, it's a lot of money.

Do what makes you happy. When the news does get out - and it will - tell the stroppy DIL that you retiring is making room for someone younger to move up the career ladder.

I think you should tell them; it’s likely they will feel hurt when they find out and surely you’ll have to withhold a lot of information from them as how can you tell them what you’re doing if they think you’re working.
I’d be honest as well with whichever son and say you nearly didn’t tell them because of his partners reaction as hopefully it will make him realise that it bothers you.
I’d also ask his DP what she would have done in the same situation as you? Not bought a house? Or ask if she will refuse any help you give to a house she’s buy with him

Soft - because they are not yet ready to buy, I've offered it and they have said to wait as they are still looking where to settle exactly - and No2 son is studying somewhere he doesn't want to live anywhere near longer term.

Nothing to do with not trusting them whatsoever, thank you.

But they're going to find out eventually... won't the bitching be worse if they think you kept it secret?

I think I'd just brazen it out, if they don't like it that's their problem. You haven't done anything wrong! And it sounds like they're going to benefit from your generosity anyway so they can't really complain - lots of millennials don't get that!

I think it would be pretty odd not to tell your own children about such a major life change. You don’t have to listen to any crap from your DS’s partner but I think it shows a real lack of engagement with your children not to share with them. I know My parents have been discussing their retirement plans with me and my siblings for the past 3-4 years. You don’t need to rub it in or get too specific about how or why it works for you now (Patric if your husband is already retired) but to just stop work and not mention it seems weird to me.

You are ridiculously unreasonable

Avocado on toast is yummy.

As for the rest. Tell them as little as you can. It’s none of their business and it sounds like the partner would end up on their high horse. Enjoy it and as someone who was widowed at 46, get the hell out of work and cherish every minute with your husband.

You don't need to apologise for living your life OP. You are not doing anything wrong. Some things are more difficult for the young people and some things aren't. It also depends where you live and i'm with you in that there are no pockets in a shroud so intend to help my DC as much as we can.

I left school in 1983 into the times of the biggest unemployment rates ever, social issues with drugs and aids were massive, inflation was eye watering as were interest rates. I still managed to get a job and buy a flat (shared with my sister) when I was 18. We struggled to feed ourselves as interest rates rose, but we managed and it gave us both a start.

I've just done a quick search and nice little 1 bed flats are up for sale at around £60 and 2 beds from about £70k. Even on a wage of about £17/18k (current starting salary for a call centre job nearby) these are affordable, so the situation locally to me isn't vastly different to what it was where I lived 30 odd years ago.

It's not necessarily a nation problem.

YANBU to stop doing something that is making you ill if you don't need to.

Hang on a minute. If the OP came on here complaining that her adult children won’t share their plans or financial circumstances with her, she’d be told to mind her own business. How is this any different?

Please tell them about taking some leave. Starting to hide things from close family member is exactely how rifts are being created.

And if you decide to retire early so be it. You dint have to explain how you can afford to do that (your financea are yours to handle) but something as big as stopping work, I dint think you can hide away or not talk about it.

I agree with **Blimey and Pp you should be able to be honest about decisions and choices - your children and their families should be happy for you.
But you seem to be in a difficult position and I think your consideration to try and ‘keep the peace’ is understandable if unfair. No advice really , Good luck in whatever you decide
(And I will keep my eye out for a familiar sounding hated MIL thread! ....)

The thing is that they will inherit from you, just as you have inherited from your mum. If your husband has already retired then why shouldn't you stop work to spend time with him? You are going to help them out with a generous deposit; they have no right to anything more.

And I hope by the time your son needs his house deposit, he's no longer with that woman.

Btw I fully agree that you dint have tonshare your finances with your
That inheritance is yours. Up to your u to decide how to spend it or not. Whether you want to give some money to your dcs or not. They dint have a say in it (and as a child whose parents have had a few inheritance like this recently, I wouldnta dare asking Tbh. Not my problem)

It’s quite strange to not share retirement news with your children. Just tell them, don’t give in to manipulation or guilt tripping.
Since neither are ready to buy they don’t need the money. I would not give money to adult children without a clear purpose, birthday and Christmas aside of course.

God, your son's DP sounds hard work. I think you are perfectly entitled to enjoy your good fortune by taking time off work/ not returning at all.

If it were me I would be looking to
a) be broadly honest about what I was doing. Why should you need to lie? Why put yourself in an uncomfortable position and almost certainly get found out which would then cast yourself as the bad guy who lied to the family?
b) set a boundary with the people that you tell the truth to: that you are sharing the news with them, but that you do not want to discuss the detail or feel you have to justify your actions. An email might be a good way to do this. Then if it is brought up, esp by your son's DP, you enforce that boundary. 'Remember I said in my email that I really don't want to get into the ins and outs of this?' And refuse to engage in whichever way works for you - changing the subject, leaving the room etc. They will quickly grasp that they can't start on about it.

Of course there will be lots of talk behind the scenes about all the ins and outs of what you are doing. But that you can do nothing about and is their choice and hey you won't know about it. But I wouldn't let the imagined reaction of DS's partner dictate my behaviour.

Hi OP

I would probably feel a bit hurt if I found out my mum had deliberately hidden a big life decision from me.

But then we are close and they have helped me loads - and I appreciate although they are very confortable now, it wasn't aways like that and times were v hard for them in the past. And I wouldn't begrudge them it, they have worked hard and shared their wealth and they should enjoy it while they can. You never know what's round the corner.

You know your dil best and the consequences of telling or not telling her. She sounds ungrateful for your promised help to be honest so if you give your son the money for a deposit and they are not married I would see if there is some way he could ring fence it if they split

I don't see that you have to tell them anything. It's none of their business.

Can you just mention it to your Ds's in passing whilst on the phone or if you email throw it in as an apropos. It really shouldn't be a big deal to them and as you don't see them that often you're not going to face a constant barrage of comments.

I think it's great btw. My dear very elderly parents had a fairly modest lifestyle most of their lives and now have large pensions that they struggle to spend as too frail to travel or do too much. They are very generous to us, but I wish they'd lavished a bit more in themselves when they were able.

I'd tell your DIL to keep her opinions to herself. My mum is mid seventies - I'll have no inheritance coming! Tell her she's lucky and to be grateful.