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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should take some responsibility too?

60 replies

Papillon45 · 06/03/2019 12:13

I’m beyond pissed off with my DH. He has just arranged to attend another evening out that is loosely associated with his job. He didn’t tell me, I found out second hand.
I was a SAHM for years, having given up a good career as we both had inflexible jobs that didn’t really gel well with us having a family. It was always me who ended up taking time off work for child illness etc, he has never done this.
I now work part time in a school so that I am available for childcare and to cook and clean every bloody spare minute I get. This is seen by him as my responsibility. If I ask him to contribute I get treated like a nag and like it should be my job to do everything and he’ll do it as a one off as a favour to ‘help’ me 😡
The reason I am so annoyed at this ‘event’ is because he has a constant non stop stream of hobbies and activities outside of work. He tries to pass a load of them off as being work related, but they are only very loosely relevant to him, no one in his work goes (they are relevant to his industry, but not his actual job). I am so pissed off because he agrees to go to these things without checking if I’m available to look after our kids first. It is assumed that I will look after them as he appears to consider this to be my ‘job’ (in addition to my actual job obviously!!) If I ask him to look after his own kids so that I can go to the gym, or even the shops I get grilled about why I cannot do it another time and do I really need to go. I am treated like I owe him if he looks after the kids.
I have an event that I go to once a year, it has been in the diary for 12 months and he has tried to tell me that I now can’t go as he needs to attend another event on the same day. He said oh well you’ll have to see if your Mum can have the kids then.
AIBU to think that he is being an absolute shit and needs to get his act together??? He doesn’t seem to think so.
He is a lovely person in every other way apart from this otherwise I would have divorced him years ago

OP posts:

adaline · 06/03/2019 12:14

He's not lovely - he's treating you as the hired help!

Elizabeth2019 · 06/03/2019 12:24

I’d be fairly (if not completely) pissed off with this attitude, especially as when is he spending time with you or the kids (depending on age). You both deserve time for yourself or your hobbies and if he can’t recognise it, I would be telling him you’re going out on x day at x time, he needs to sort out child care. The extra curricular activities loosely associated with his job are his choice to attend, so I’d be setting a limit. That’s what I do with my jobs associated functions / events / activities - I attend so many a month and make excuses for others. OH gets the same but uses them for socials, then we go out together for others.

(You could tell him to pay for child care / cleaner etc if he won’t value what you do ...) 😊

Butterymuffin · 06/03/2019 12:26

He is a lovely person in every other way

Seriously, how? He doesn't see you as a real human being with your own feelings, just as a domestic servant. What forms of loveliness can there be that make up for that?

CouldntThink · 06/03/2019 13:26

No, he isn’t lovely.

I would be saying to him that you’re fed up of childcare being only your fucking problem and he can sort it the fuck out as you are going out.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 06/03/2019 13:29

He's not a lovely person. He can't be, and behave as you describe

SuziQ10 · 06/03/2019 13:30

And you are putting up with this nonsense why?!

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2019 13:36

I'm struggling t c comprehend how he is lovely too. You describe a selfish self absorbed sexist man, who does his own thing, won't look after his own kids, and treats his wife like the hired help.

Where is the loveliness?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/03/2019 13:36

He is a lovely person in every other way apart from this

What other 'ways' are there?

He's a lazy, entitled, sexist, controlling shit. And you're enabling him.

Eliza9917 · 06/03/2019 14:18

What would he do if you were up and out before him on the day of the events?

Veterinari · 06/03/2019 14:22

So what has his response been when you’ve spelled out all of the issues in your OP?
Why have you spent years enabling this behaviour?

outpinked · 06/03/2019 14:23

Another one failing to see how this chauvinistic pig has a lovely side.

I would have divorced him years ago, whether he’s sometimes nice or not. He’s selfish and entitled. The children are both of your responsibility as is the housework, even more so now you have returned to work.

tattooq · 06/03/2019 14:25

He doesn't sound lovely at all OP my DP has been pretty shit at times since we had DD but even he was never that sexist and entitled.

Tolleshunt · 06/03/2019 14:32

I'd go nuclear, and spell it out like Elizabeth describes. You are going to your event. He stays at home, or he arranges alternative childcare. He can have a set number of evenings/weekend days for time by himself/hobbies. You get the same.

He hasn't got a single good reason why the set-up should be so heavily weighted in his favour. He is being very selfish. Make it clear this changes. Now.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 06/03/2019 14:35

Could you explain in what other ways he is actually lovely?

Do you want this to be your life for the next 20 years?

RhubarbandGin · 06/03/2019 14:36

Stop letting him get away with this, you are not the hired help. Stop doing his washing and cleaning. If you want to go out, just go, no explanation or justification. Tell him he will be taking responsibility for part of the childcare and that is not up for discussion. Stop enabling this awful behaviour.

ohfourfoxache · 06/03/2019 14:39

He’s not lovely.

He’s a lazy, entitled, selfish cuntweasel.

ADHMeeee · 06/03/2019 14:44

Lovely?
That's not the word I'd be using.
Does he have a massive cock which somehow makes up for the way he treats you?
Go on your thing, OP. You deserve it x

Tighnabruaich · 06/03/2019 14:45

Sounds like you are his personal hired help and he doesn't like to give you time off from your job.

AgentJohnson · 06/03/2019 14:46

For goodness sake woman! He obviously thinks he’s the MVP in the family and by putting up with his shit, you appear to agree.

CouldntThink · 06/03/2019 14:46

Why does his event get priority over yours?

Why don’t you matter?

billybagpuss · 06/03/2019 14:48

The problem here is you need to have a serious talk with him about his attitude and expectations. If you take his 'out of the house working hours' as a starting point and agree that during those times your primary tasks are your school job and child care and any housework that you can get done you will. Outside those hours, you are a team you share the household chores and if either one requires child care for an event they ask the other and pop it in the diary, if the other isn't available then it is the person who asked second's responsibility to arrange alternative care.

However from what you've said I fear that he will not be open to this conversation so I would be looking to move back into a career where I would either have sufficient income to go solo, or at the very least he would then have to view the arrangements as equal and step up.

ChuckleBuckles · 06/03/2019 14:50

You are a single parent OP, might as well make if formal and ask him to leave. It would actually be less work for you if he left, less cleaning, less cooking to do, less picking up crap off the floor, less emotional labour and some free time on the days the kids are with him for visitation. What are you getting out of the current set up?

Margotshypotheticaldog · 06/03/2019 14:51

If he wants to go, he needs to arrange childcare. This will continue unless you put a stop to it. He will probably sulk, let him.

TheInvestigator · 06/03/2019 14:53

I second billybagpuss. I was going to say something similar but there's no need to pile onto you!

If he won't listen, then you need to think about how he views your family.... because at the moment, the family isn't a priority or even a basic interest. The family, to him, is simply "if I have time to fit family stuff in then maybe, but it's not my job, responsibility or interest".

It's not good OP.

Mmmhmmm · 06/03/2019 14:54

I'm surprised you haven't divorced him already, he doesn't sound lovely at all, he sounds like a twat.

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