To think he should take some responsibility too?

[Papillon45]

I’m beyond pissed off with my DH. He has just arranged to attend another evening out that is loosely associated with his job. He didn’t tell me, I found out second hand.
I was a SAHM for years, having given up a good career as we both had inflexible jobs that didn’t really gel well with us having a family. It was always me who ended up taking time off work for child illness etc, he has never done this.
I now work part time in a school so that I am available for childcare and to cook and clean every bloody spare minute I get. This is seen by him as my responsibility. If I ask him to contribute I get treated like a nag and like it should be my job to do everything and he’ll do it as a one off as a favour to ‘help’ me 😡
The reason I am so annoyed at this ‘event’ is because he has a constant non stop stream of hobbies and activities outside of work. He tries to pass a load of them off as being work related, but they are only very loosely relevant to him, no one in his work goes (they are relevant to his industry, but not his actual job). I am so pissed off because he agrees to go to these things without checking if I’m available to look after our kids first. It is assumed that I will look after them as he appears to consider this to be my ‘job’ (in addition to my actual job obviously!!) If I ask him to look after his own kids so that I can go to the gym, or even the shops I get grilled about why I cannot do it another time and do I really need to go. I am treated like I owe him if he looks after the kids.
I have an event that I go to once a year, it has been in the diary for 12 months and he has tried to tell me that I now can’t go as he needs to attend another event on the same day. He said oh well you’ll have to see if your Mum can have the kids then.
AIBU to think that he is being an absolute shit and needs to get his act together??? He doesn’t seem to think so.
He is a lovely person in every other way apart from this otherwise I would have divorced him years ago

He's a lovely guy - apart from ensuring you do his share of evening and weekend chores, apart from refusing to take his 50pc share of responsibility for his own children outside working hours, apart from ensuring it's you that's on duty 24 7, apart from his actions meaning you struggle to have a social life or hobby that doesn't involve children, apart from not listening or apparently caring that this would make anyone tired miserable and resentful

If you were divorced you'd have every other weekend and an evening in the week all to yourself to do whatever you want plus you'd have less housework to do without a second lazy adult to look after

Ask him why his right to me time and hobbies is more important than yours? If it's because he 'works' outside the home (implying you don't) then it's fine ill get a job but he has to again be responsible for 50pc of childcare and home stuff and sick days etc.

I'd be insisting we come to some arrangement day 2 nights off a week each and x amount of family time a week plus more equal distribution of chorea (say 50pc of all evening chores while you do the day ones assuming your kids are at a stage where it's possible to get stuff done in the day). Otherwise what's the point? His clear lack of respect would be a deal breaker for me

Wow I didn’t think I’d get so many replies. I’m glad you all seem to agree that he’s being an unreasonable twat.
What I meant by him being ‘lovely’ the rest of the time is that apart from this he really is a decent person (I realise because I’ve only put his negatives on here it probably doesn’t look that way). He came from a broken home where his Dad treated his Mum terribly and then up and left when my DH was about 10. I think it’s because of it he has a bit of a skewed view of what the ‘mother’ in the family should do. Weirdly he wasn’t at all like this before we had kids.
I’ll speak to him tonight. Thanks for all of the replies x

So that means he acts like his dad

No he’s nowhere near as bad as his Dad, but thinks that because he’s not as bad as his Dad was it makes his actions ok and that he’s being a decent husband. He really doesn’t see it

Ask him why he sees himself as more important and deserving than you.

You’re supposed to be a team. He’s not part of the team, he’s out for himself.

Tell him unless he starts to pull his weight with childcare and household jobs, you'll find a FT job and he'll have to start doing half of everything.

Your evening out was in the diary first, so he's responsible for childcare that night. If he wants to go out now, he needs to arrange cover.

Also, take up a few more hobbies so you're out of the house regularly and he has to do the childcare. Once or twice a week would be about right.

I would treat his working hours as your working hours - you do your PT work, any childcare and any household chores that you can fit into that time. Outside of that, all chores/childcare is a joint responsibility and any leisure time is split.

I think you need to clearly show him how many hours a week or month he gets for fun versus you then bring up his attitude when you try to have time for yourself

Ah so that is it as long as he is better than his dad it’s ok. But to be honest for you and the children is a moot point he still isn’t being a good husband and he isn’t being a dad

OP you need to tell him it’s not good enough for you and you are not going to put up with it. Your role as a mother is separate to your role as a wife and his responsibilities as a husband and father

What I meant by him being ‘lovely’ the rest of the time is that apart from this he really is a decent person

In what way? Can you articulate it, you seem to just wish to say he his but not be able to say how,

I simply can't imagine my husband treating me like this, it's appalling. So you cook for him, clean for him, do all the child work, and he treats you like a second class citizen where your needs are not as important as his, and he sees the kids as nothing more than your problem.

This is not the way a decent lovely person acts. A decent lovely person takes their share of the load when home, supports their partner, and puts them if not first then at least equal. Decent lovely people don't do what he is doing,

By decent and lovely do you mean he pays the bulk of the expenses so you feel you need to suck it up to keep the cash flowing? I cannot think of any other reason any one would live like this, unless they had incredibly low self esteem and related anxiety issues?

People who are lovely when they're getting their own way, and only then, aren't lovely. They're manipulative.

YES.

I also agree with what Bluntness just posted.

If you want to understand what a genuinely lovely partner would be like: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It's really sad that somebody could treat you as shockingly as this yet have succeeded in conditioning you to believe he's a great guy. He's not.

If he's capable of recognising his father's behaviour was unacceptable, then he's capable of recognising how unacceptable his own is and changing it. He just chooses not to because this works for him. He's just repeating his father's cycle of abuse for another generation.

Lovely men don't do that. It's a choice.