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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think he should take some responsibility too?

60 replies

Papillon45 · 06/03/2019 12:13

I’m beyond pissed off with my DH. He has just arranged to attend another evening out that is loosely associated with his job. He didn’t tell me, I found out second hand.
I was a SAHM for years, having given up a good career as we both had inflexible jobs that didn’t really gel well with us having a family. It was always me who ended up taking time off work for child illness etc, he has never done this.
I now work part time in a school so that I am available for childcare and to cook and clean every bloody spare minute I get. This is seen by him as my responsibility. If I ask him to contribute I get treated like a nag and like it should be my job to do everything and he’ll do it as a one off as a favour to ‘help’ me 😡
The reason I am so annoyed at this ‘event’ is because he has a constant non stop stream of hobbies and activities outside of work. He tries to pass a load of them off as being work related, but they are only very loosely relevant to him, no one in his work goes (they are relevant to his industry, but not his actual job). I am so pissed off because he agrees to go to these things without checking if I’m available to look after our kids first. It is assumed that I will look after them as he appears to consider this to be my ‘job’ (in addition to my actual job obviously!!) If I ask him to look after his own kids so that I can go to the gym, or even the shops I get grilled about why I cannot do it another time and do I really need to go. I am treated like I owe him if he looks after the kids.
I have an event that I go to once a year, it has been in the diary for 12 months and he has tried to tell me that I now can’t go as he needs to attend another event on the same day. He said oh well you’ll have to see if your Mum can have the kids then.
AIBU to think that he is being an absolute shit and needs to get his act together??? He doesn’t seem to think so.
He is a lovely person in every other way apart from this otherwise I would have divorced him years ago

OP posts:

CouldntThink · 06/03/2019 14:56

These posts always end with, but he’s lovely apart from the shitty behaviour, he’s such a great Dad. They never are really.

NCforthis2019 · 06/03/2019 14:58

Hes treating you like the hired help - without even paying you. And you have enabled him. He is not lovely op - you have just been conditioned. He's an MCP at best - a useless husband and father at worst. Why did he even bother to have kids if he didnt want to look after them?!

katseyes7 · 06/03/2019 14:59

l wonder if it's occurred to him that if you split up, he'll likely have them EOW. How will that impact on his social activities?

HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 15:01

He's not lovely unless he's doing exactly what he wants, when he wants.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/03/2019 15:04

Agree with the PPs, he needs to sort out childcare so you can go to the event.

Unfortunately, I think this is really common with SAHP's and parents working part-time (me!) You have to spell it out that he needs to share the times/dates of any upcoming activities with you and check that you're available for childcare - obviously if it's a really essential meeting, you'd make it work - but hobbies and loosey-goosey industry events are dependent on your schedule and/or paid childcare.

I can normally cover if my DH has something on, although his occasional work "Happy Hours" have become a running joke as they're never an hour, rather 4 hours that end up with him stumbling out of the Uber and grinning like an idiot...I make him sleep in the spare room after those.

AspasiaLunata · 06/03/2019 15:04

He sounds like a right tosser OP and if things don't change then I'd be getting rid. Just what is in this for you? What exactly is lovely about him, and when did you last feel loved?

Purpleartichoke · 06/03/2019 15:06

I work part-time so that I can mostly be available outside of school hours. That works for our family. However, I am only the default parent while DH is still at work. Once he gets home, we divide up the work and the child care. We ask one another to be on kid duty if we want an evening away. The first thing on the calendar only gets cancelled if a non-optional work event comes up.

We didn’t start out this way. DH used to just assume I would be on kid duty. He would announce he was running an errand, but I would always ask if I could do one. Things had to change. It took some epic meltdowns on my part and also me being more assertive, but it improved greatly.

DarlingNikita · 06/03/2019 15:07

AIBU to think that he is being an absolute shit and needs to get his act together??? He doesn’t seem to think so.

No, YANBU. It's Big Talk time.

pinkyredrose · 06/03/2019 15:15

How old are the kids? Why doesn't he look after them, does he think they're not his or something?

mammoon · 06/03/2019 15:18

YANBU but he is. Agreeing with pp who are wondering what's so lovely about him. He sounds awful.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/03/2019 15:24

Can't see where the "lovely" bit comes in, tbh, as he's treating you very much as a second class person in this relationship!
You have as much right to a social life as he does - he is as much a parent as you are - and you both should be pulling together to do the work in the home, not you doing all of it so he can feck off out and pretend to be single.

Ask yourself whether he really brings added value to your home, or does he just add to the workload?

Mitzimaybe · 06/03/2019 15:31

Another saying how exactly is he lovely because he sounds like a total shit to me.

TatianaLarina · 06/03/2019 15:37

I now work part time in a school so that I am available for childcare and to cook and clean every bloody spare minute I get. This is seen by him as my responsibility. If I ask him to contribute I get treated like a nag and like it should be my job to do everything and he’ll do it as a one off as a favour to ‘help’ me

And you’re putting up with this why?

crimsonlake · 06/03/2019 15:38

Reading this makes me so angry on your behalf, this was my life with my now ex. I was in your position gave up my career to be a sahm whilst he climbed up the career ladder. He would go to the opening of an envelope under the guise of networking, never consult me and of course staying overnight. When I look back I cannot believe I put up with it, he was effectively leading the single life whilst enjoying the luxury of marriage. This is not a partnership and you need to point this out and put a stop to it now before it gets worse.

pallisers · 06/03/2019 15:45

He isn't lovely.

I have an event that I go to once a year, it has been in the diary for 12 months and he has tried to tell me that I now can’t go as he needs to attend another event on the same day. He said oh well you’ll have to see if your Mum can have the kids then.

It is up to him to organise childcare for this. I would say this to him and then not discuss it anymore but would simply leave the house before him that day or even the night before. Go and get ready at your mother's and when/if he calls demanding where you are say "I told you I was going to this event".

I would also do it a few other days. Get up from the table on a night you know he thinks he is going somewhere and go to the gym - text him on your way.

Everything is working perfectly for him. He has a servant and a nanny who also contributes financially to the household - what could be better. It will only change if you make it so fucking uncomfortable for him that behaving like a decent human being becomes preferable. Shit that you have to do this in order to be treated with respect by the man who is supposed to love you though.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 06/03/2019 15:47

He's not lovely. He's not.

Lovely people don't treat their spouses as servants.

Lovely people don't dump all the grunt work on their spouses.

Lovely people don't assume all childcare is their spouse's problem.

Lovely people don't call you a nag for asking them to do their SHARE.

Lovely people don't say they're 'helping you' when they actually pull their thumb out and do something in their own home or with their own children because they think it's all your job to sort.

Lovely people don't always put themselves and their job, hobbies, personal time and fun time above their spouse's job, hobbies, personal time and fun.

Lovely people don't do these things. They just don't.

He doesn't see you as equal, and you think he is 'lovely' because unless you are actively calling him on the above behaviours and refusing to stand for it, he is getting everything he wants and you are the servant and childminder, also available for sex no doubt.

Tell him you'll be going to your event and he will be at home with his children unless he can sort childcare for his children.

Tell him from now on he will be taking sick days when the children are sick.

tell him you will have a regular gym schedule and he will be doing something with his children when you go.

Or stop doing anything and everything for him. Wanker.

Quartz2208 · 06/03/2019 15:50

What act together he is perfectly happy taking no responsibility you need to get your head round what it means particularly the one day you need

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/03/2019 15:52

This thread is reminding me of someone I know in RL who also has issues with her DH and childcare- she works 20 hours pw, also does freelance projects and brings home a good income overall...but he's full-time so makes a big fuss if he has pick up the children from the occasional evening activity.

He isn't lovely either....

PiebaldHamster · 06/03/2019 15:56

EVERY time you read 'He's lovely' you can 100% guarantee he's fucking not.

TixieLix · 06/03/2019 15:56

Are we married to the same man OP? This was my husband's approach to child care too when the kids were growing up. If we both had events on the same day, it didn't matter if mine was in the diary longer, as far as he was concerned he was going to his and if I wanted to go to mine then I had to source other child care. Used to make my blood boil!

Belenus · 06/03/2019 16:16

He is a lovely person in every other way apart from this otherwise I would have divorced him years ago

People who are lovely when they're getting their own way, and only then, aren't lovely. They're manipulative.

ciderhouserules · 06/03/2019 16:18

They are always 'lovely except for'

And usually a 'great father' too....

No, they are neither. and you, OP, are an unpaid skivvy, second class.

I'd be letting him know that I'd be looking at my options - which may end up with him having the dc EOW.

AuntieOxident · 06/03/2019 16:28

Unless you stand firm on this OP there's not a chance in hell that things will change.
This is why some women divorce their husbands. And then the husbands claim to be clueless as to why, because they've been getting away with it for years. Isn't there an internet meme about a guy whose wife left him because he just dumped his dirty dishes in the sink? He gets the reason why eventually.
Yeah, he's not lovely either. He sounds like a complete arsehole.

SilverySurfer · 06/03/2019 16:35

Why does every thread on here when complaining about a DH/DP always end with 'but he's lovely' or equivalent?

Your DH is not lovely, he is a lazy arse who must have zero respect for you or he wouldn't treat you like the domestic drudge. I suspect he thinks he is far too important to share the load. I also suspect that he has never been any different and has just got worse after having children, which means you have acted as his enabler and allowed this crap behaviour for most, if not all of your relationship. Your children are learning from him, do you want them to grow up to be useless, lazy adults?

So you have two choices - either live like this for the rest of your life or sit him down and tell him that you will not tolerate this continuing. Depends on you how far you want to go. I wouldn't live with a person like this and it would be the end of the road for me.

ciderhouserules · 06/03/2019 16:55

Auntie - I think it's called 'she divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink' and I think every man and woman should read it. It;'s all about respect for each other,and what they do for and to you.

THIS is it

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