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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP joining work trip?

71 replies

Jiffybags · 06/03/2019 11:20

Firstly can I apologise if this sounds stupid but I have MH issues and sometimes don't know if something is 'normal' or not

Quick back story; I have been with DP for a few years now but because of my issues we don't live together and only see each other once a month (sort of date night) although we talk every day and might meet up for coffee etc. He's happy enough with this but I think he would secretly like to have more as he sometimes mentions living together etc but he knows my background and is content to let me set the ground rules.

I have to travel now and again with my job and I've just been told I have to go to another part of the country for a couple of days which will involve an overnight hotel stay. When I told DP he joked about 'sneakily' travelling too and booking in to the same hotel. I thought he was joking so just laughed it off. However a couple of hours later he texted me saying he was serious. It immediately made me uncomfortable and I told him I would be working but he said he could see the city during the day by himself and meet up with me at night in the hotel. He also said to tell my manager about it He obviously realised I wasn't too happy with it because a couple of hours later he said it was a stupid idea and just to forget it.

Aibu or is this a normal thing? I'll be working so i want it to be as professional as possible but maybe it's what people do. A bit of help making sense of this please.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 06/03/2019 11:23

You're right, it's not what people do. If it's a business trip then you're there to work. It's unlikely but you could possibly get into trouble/look unprofessional if anybody found out.

Thehop · 06/03/2019 11:25

Maybe compromise and book a night away somewhere fun?

Fatbutt · 06/03/2019 11:25

I have travelled with DH a couple of times when he is away alone - wouldn't dream of it if he had a colleague with him

but I will say, If I have (jokily) suggested going along on a trip and he shoots me down straight away, it is crushing. It feels like a major rejection.

Maybe take the time to explain why it wouldn't be a good idea this time but you can maybe discuss it for a future trip.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 11:26

Why do you only see each other once a month? Can you call yourself partners in that case? Is one of you married?

I don't blame him for wanting more and don't understand why you wouldn't jump at the chance to see him more often.

FirmlyRooted · 06/03/2019 11:27

Well, it is not a bad idea if you would like to make the most of your work trip and get a couple of nights away together. However, if you're the kind of person who is in work mode and cant switch off I wouldn't recommend it. There's a risk that you'll feel stressed and he'll feel unwanted and in the way.

In general, it's not uncommon for partners to come along for work trips. I have never done it personally as my days are really long with work dinners in the evening so no time for couple activities.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/03/2019 11:30

I completely agree with what @HollowTalk said.

iveeatenallthebiscuits · 06/03/2019 11:30

Not abnormal, unless you have colleagues going. If it's just you and it's outside the time you're working I don't see the issue. I've gone on plenty of trips with dh.

Damntheman · 06/03/2019 11:34

I wouldn't be okay with this personally. Not for a one night stay within the country. If it's a week long conferance in another country and you've got the option to extend your hotel booking for a few days on one end for a little holiday? That's okay, but not this.

I totally get why he wants to see you more often though and understand why he'd suggest it.

chillpizza · 06/03/2019 11:37

He clearly wants to see you more than once a month. I’m not sure how you’ve lasted this long tbh.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/03/2019 11:47

I think lots of people probably do this to be honest. I know plenty of friends that have joined a parter for the night when they been away

Thing is where do you actually see this heading, you see each other just once a month? Even after years. You know deep down he wants more and it seems cruel in a way to keep this ‘relationship’ going to be honest

Original poster

Jiffybags · 06/03/2019 11:48

Thanks everyone.

No neither of us is married btw. As I said I have MH issues due to childhood abuse and this affects relationships. After a long list of abusive relationships I am better and happier on my own and am with DP because we were friends first and have been completely honest with him about what I am able to give and he respects that. I'm not keeping him as a pet I only bother with when I feel like it, i gave him the choice of whether this was enough for him. If that makes sense.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 06/03/2019 11:52

It is fine to join someone on a work trip. I have gone to London with my DH and stayed in the same hotel. He works during the day and i go off sightseeing then we meet in the evening. I have also gone with my DD when she had a work trip abroad. We booked an airB&B and she worked during the day and we met in the evening then we had the weekend sightseeing together before heading home.

BlueSkiesLies · 06/03/2019 11:53

You're right, it's not what people do. If it's a business trip then you're there to work. It's unlikely but you could possibly get into trouble/look unprofessional if anybody found out.

Actually IMO it is not uncommon for partners to join their other half in a hotel.

I have been on my DPs work trips. DP has been on a couple of mine. I've had friends come stay in my hotel room when I've been in-country for weeks.

My colleagues also do this.

It is nice actually. Obvs if you are working until 2/3am it is no good, but if you are just on a normal project you get a few hours in the evening to hang out.

ShartGoblin · 06/03/2019 11:53

Maybe compromise and book a night away somewhere fun?

This is the best idea, I think he probably just wants to spend more time together and is looking for any excuse. Realistically, it's not fair to him to keep going as you are. That doesn't mean you are being unreasonable at all, your mental health issues are not your fault but they aren't his either and ultimately you will both need to decide if you can live like this.

How old are you both OP? Have you talked about how you want the relationship to progress? Have you considered couples counselling so you can both discuss ways to move forward as a pair? If he wants to live together and eventually have children then he will need some assurance that this will happen eventually if not now.

Apologies, I realise this is not what you asked and, under normal circumstances, it's fine to say no to this. Unfortunately, your circumstances aren't normal so the wider issue does need to be taken into consideration.

StealthNinjaMum · 06/03/2019 11:55

It's not that normal but then neither is your relationship.

I am not going to say yabu because I know that you can't control your feelings and I am sorry that you have had childhood abuse but I think he has offered because he wants to see more of you and he retracted the offer when he knew you didn't like it. He sounds like a lovely, thoughtlful man.

AguerosAngel · 06/03/2019 11:56

DS & I have been on work trips with DH when he’s gone away alone (never if he’s with colleagues that would BU) so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, however you’re clearly uncomfortable with it so therefore YANBU.

Alsohuman · 06/03/2019 11:58

Not only have I joined mine when he’s been working away, but his employer has paid my flights on occasion. He works during the day, I sightsee/do my own thing and we meet for dinner. It’s nice.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 06/03/2019 11:59

It depends entirely on when and where. DH has joined me before when I have been away at the end of a week - and it's been OK'd by work because the cost of the room wasn't affected by DH joining me (although obviously they wouldn't pay for his meals). We did London quite recently as I had a Friday meet down there and was staying over with a meal allowance for the evening and due to come back the next morning. Work were happy for me to add another night on and I arranged that with the hotel directly. DH shared my room as it was a double already and my train ticket was an open return so we only had to cover DH's train and meal cost.

Likewise it's quite common for people to have a work trip away and book annual leave on to the end of it and have their partner or family come out to join them. As long as the work is done in the day and any additional cost is covered by the employee, then it's fine.

There is very much an expectation that you wouldn't take the piss though. If you were routinely inviting your partner off to join you and word was coming back that you weren't attending meetings, or delivering the work that was needed, then it would be stopped quite smartly.

DarlingNikita · 06/03/2019 12:03

Why do you only see each other once a month? Can you call yourself partners in that case? Is one of you married?

The OP explained this in her first post

Fuck off with 'can you call yourself partners'.

OP, it's hard to say what is 'normal' in this scenario and what isn't as it depends on what sort of work trip it is. I sometimes join DP on work trips, but he's an artist working in the community and so much of his work is public art events that I can go along to and join in with. Then in the evenings or whatever time he has off, we'll spend time together.

Obviously not all work trips are like this, though. And I live with my DP, so obviously my relationship isn't the same as yours.

I don't disagree with posters saying it sounds like your DP wants you to spend more time together. But only you and he can decide whether/how to make that happen.

TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 06/03/2019 12:05

Actually IMO it is not uncommon for partners to join their other half in a hotel.

I agree. However you don't seem to have what would be considered a regular relationship either which makes it impossible to judge it by normal standards.

If you don't want more than one day a month after several years do you think it might be wise to call things off? It's not great for either of you and I'd be devastated if my partner was so uninterested in me.

ReanimatedSGB · 06/03/2019 12:05

It's not hugely unusual for partners to join work trips, but it's not compulsory, either. Up to the people involved, really.
As to your relationship: you are not wrong for wanting a relationship on these terms, and you are not the only person to prefer to conduct your romantic life in this way. It may be the case that your current DP wants more than you are willing to offer. This doesn't necessarily make him wrong, either - it just might mean that the two of you are not longterm compatible. Which is also OK.
Stupid people insist that every romantic relationship must progress along the same lines: meet, go monogamous, 'commit', move in, marry, breed, then stay at that level until one of you dies. Not everyone wants to do that, and there is no reason why they should have to.

NotTheFordType · 06/03/2019 12:05

It depends on the nature of the work trip and the expectations around "out of hours" activities.

I've been on solo trips to other sites before and had a partner join me in the evening. But I've also been on trips where there was a team meal organised for the evening after work, and clearly it wouldn't have been appropriate then.

CostanzaG · 06/03/2019 12:06

Me and DP regularly do this....It's quite normal IMO.

Tixywixy · 06/03/2019 12:06

I feel a bit sad for your DP. It sounds like he is very understanding but it's not really a relationship if you're only seeing each other once a month. Just because you explained it at the beginning, doesn't make it easy for him and he may have thought things would change gradually over time.

I've been away with my partner and it was lovely. He had something to look forward to other than room service and I had a fab day sightseeing. It doesn't sound like it's to do with your work but more to do with you keeping him at a distance. It would seem like constant rejection to me and I imagine to him too. Can you see things changing as you develop more trust in him. If not, it seems only fair to be honest with him.

Iruka · 06/03/2019 12:07

As long as you met any additional expenses and it didn't interfere with your work that would be allowed in my job. And they are red hot on corruption/fraud etc.

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