DP joining work trip?

[Jiffybags]

Firstly can I apologise if this sounds stupid but I have MH issues and sometimes don't know if something is 'normal' or not

Quick back story; I have been with DP for a few years now but because of my issues we don't live together and only see each other once a month (sort of date night) although we talk every day and might meet up for coffee etc. He's happy enough with this but I think he would secretly like to have more as he sometimes mentions living together etc but he knows my background and is content to let me set the ground rules.

I have to travel now and again with my job and I've just been told I have to go to another part of the country for a couple of days which will involve an overnight hotel stay. When I told DP he joked about 'sneakily' travelling too and booking in to the same hotel. I thought he was joking so just laughed it off. However a couple of hours later he texted me saying he was serious. It immediately made me uncomfortable and I told him I would be working but he said he could see the city during the day by himself and meet up with me at night in the hotel. He also said to tell my manager about it He obviously realised I wasn't too happy with it because a couple of hours later he said it was a stupid idea and just to forget it.

Aibu or is this a normal thing? I'll be working so i want it to be as professional as possible but maybe it's what people do. A bit of help making sense of this please.

I think if you know the likely agenda while you're away you can then make a better judgement on your DP tagging along. So, if it's likely that colleagues are also going to be at the hotel and work kind of spills over into the evening then, no, clearly he shouldn't attend.
If however, all the work stuff and people are done and dusted by early evening and you are literally stuck at a hotel on your own....then why on earth not have him join you - nice idea.
I can't comment on your relationship OP, what works for you I suppose. The only thought I've got was whether your DP might have been motivated to ask to come along because he thinks you might have another man, especially since you are together as an item so very little.??

I’ve been on work trips with dp, or we’ve extended it over a weekend and I’ve gone to join him. Really not unusual. Sounds like your dp would like more time with you. Why don’t you go away for a weekend together?

Quite common where I work. When I have been in London over school holidays DS often tsgs along.

He entertains himself during the day and then we do things in the evenings.

When DH works away he sometimes gets a family room and we join him.

I think it depends on whether your work would allow this - he would have to pay for his travel if by train/plane and would need permission to be a pax in a company car, for insurance purposes and pay for his own vittles.

I do know of someone who got sacked because they took their wife on a work trip without permission, and put her meals down as "client expenses". It only got discovered when his company did a VAT audit and rang the hotel/restaurants.

..and also if he's a twat who would abuse the mini-bar and watch porn on the hotel tv, and then moan about you having to work and not paying him attention then I would say no.

Given how incredibly tolerant this man is, the chances of him being a moaning financially abusing twat seem very very low.

God I would love a once-a-month DP! :o . Perfect balance IMO!

Re the trip, it depends on theculture and the nature of the trip. I did go with ex on some work trips abroad, but that seemed normal and lots of partners came - they were academic conferences and the partners would just explore the city and sometimes come out for dinner in the evenings.

But if it's a work trip where you need to focus on work all the time, and other people aren't doing it, then it would be odd.

On top of that is it up to you and you shouldn't feel it's something you should do.

I don't think your DP was unreasonable to suggest this at all.

I get that you are nervous, but I think you are unreasonable if you don't want to even consider it. He would have to pay for his own travel and additional expenses relating to him, but that can be done.

Go for it. You might even enjoy it.

If it was me working away and DH suggested similar I would feel very mean if I didn't look into it seriously.

People are so judgemental. If a relationship works for them it's fine. Ppl have marriages where someone is away working, in the army, in prison. Please don't tell op she should live with her partner if she doesn't want to. They might both regret it. Good luck op.

OP, only start thinking about extra time with him and therapy to make you compliant 'normal' if that's what you want. Even if it's what he wants, you don't have to do it if you don't like the idea; you can explain to him that it's not happening and wish him luck finding someone else if that's going to suit him better.
It's perfectly all right to have priorities other than a couple-relationship, and to want one that only takes up a small percentage of your time. Lots of people prefer doing this - perhaps they need a great deal of alone time because of MH issues, perhaps their priority is an artistic or creative project rather than having a partner etc. There is no need to be pressured into focussing on couplehood against your wishes.

I regularly travel overseas for work. I’m single, but a friend sometimes flies out at the end of a trip, and we have a few days holiday. She never arrives before the last day or so, though, and I pay for the additional nights hotel, or we move elsewhere.

We used to do it all the time. Tag on a weekend to a business trip. We would regularly have meetings in the same city which required overnight stays so would take it in turn for who's company paid. Separate receipts at dinner though!

I think he wants to see you more often and you need to decide if you are comfortable with that

Oh goodness, I don't think I explained things properly in my OP.

DP and I have been away quite a few times. We've been on holidays abroad 4 times and have stayed in hotels after concerts etc. What I meant by 'seeing each other once a month' was that we have a date night once a month - we go out and I stay at his house. We talk and text every day and we meet up sometimes if we're both off at the same time, for example he's taking me out to lunch tomorrow. We don't see each other every night or a couple of times a week though.

Thank you so much for the replies, it seems it's pretty normal so I can relax a bit

Another vote for it's quite normal- I've flown out with DS before now, we went sightseeing whilst DH worked and met up after work. We obviously paid for anything additional

In the early stages of my relationship with my (now ex) husband, he would insist on coming with me on work trips (I was the higher earner). He did the same thing, i.e. said it first as a joke then went into an extreme strop when I said I'd be busy in the evenings preparing for the next day. To cut a very long story short, it was the beginning of an extremely abusive and controlling relationship.

I wasn't allowed to attend any business function outside office hours without him. I have a disability and he told my then manager that he had to accompany me as he was my carer, even though I coped perfectly well all day in the office without one. It was embarrassing but I was too scared to do anything about it.

If your partner is generally decent and doesn't mind you having a social life/friends beyond him, I think it would be fine for him to join you if you wanted him to.

I thought it was quite acceptable, and DH joined me on a work trip once or twice (not interfering with work commitments). But not long ago my colleagues and I received an email saying that on future work trips no relatives or friends are to join us, travel on the same plane, or stay in the same hotel. So I guess it depends on who you work for.

There's no way I'd go away with DP on a business trip a) because they are usually to places I don't want to go, b) he'd be working.

However it's not that strange an idea. What is strange is you hardly ever seeing each other. I think I'd have given up by now if I were him.

It depends on the trip - if it's a conference or there are a large group of colleagues with you, it might feel weird. I've been the 'plus one' in that situation and ended up spending the whole time alone, including evenings, because my husband was expected to be working or networking the whole time. It was in New Orleans so I was fine by myself!

If it's just you, or maybe you and a colleague, it's absolutely fine for your partner to come. I bring people with me on business trips all the time - husband, sister, mum... We always share a room so my companion just pays for flights and food. I am always open with my company about this and I have never had an issue.

It’s completely unremarkable for a partner to join their OH on a business trip

It really really depends on your company/ industry. In mine, absolutely no way would you do this!

To me this is normal and nice for a partner wanting to do this. My DH has stayed in the same hotel as me when I've been away for work. There were a few nights I had to attend work functions but otherwise it was lovely to come back in a foreign country to have him there and share dinner and chat together. I always sleep strangely in a hotel and it was nice to cuddle in as that felt familiar. He loved walking around the location and we extended the stay over the weekend (at our own cost) so had two days of wandering around discovering a new place together.

I think your partner sounds lovely and just wants to spend more time with you. He sounds like someone who respects you only wanting to see him once a week but would like to see you more, but not like someone who would push things at all. What are you worried could happen?

By the way, please be kind to yourself and don't ever say 'my question may sound stupid' !