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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP joining work trip?

71 replies

Jiffybags · 06/03/2019 11:20

Firstly can I apologise if this sounds stupid but I have MH issues and sometimes don't know if something is 'normal' or not Sad

Quick back story; I have been with DP for a few years now but because of my issues we don't live together and only see each other once a month (sort of date night) although we talk every day and might meet up for coffee etc. He's happy enough with this but I think he would secretly like to have more as he sometimes mentions living together etc but he knows my background and is content to let me set the ground rules.

I have to travel now and again with my job and I've just been told I have to go to another part of the country for a couple of days which will involve an overnight hotel stay. When I told DP he joked about 'sneakily' travelling too and booking in to the same hotel. I thought he was joking so just laughed it off. However a couple of hours later he texted me saying he was serious. It immediately made me uncomfortable and I told him I would be working but he said he could see the city during the day by himself and meet up with me at night in the hotel. He also said to tell my manager about it Hmm He obviously realised I wasn't too happy with it because a couple of hours later he said it was a stupid idea and just to forget it.

Aibu or is this a normal thing? I'll be working so i want it to be as professional as possible but maybe it's what people do. A bit of help making sense of this please.

OP posts:
TheTurtleDidItAndRanAway · 06/03/2019 12:07

I'm not keeping him as a pet I only bother with when I feel like it, i gave him the choice of whether this was enough for him.

You can read the relationships board though and see women in his situation..hanging around hoping the partner will want more. You believe he "secretly" wants more, maybe you should ask him directly. If he does go from there. There are probably lots of people who;d be happy with the situation.

Springisallaround · 06/03/2019 12:08

In my work, this would be fine, indeed normal for people to combine working away for a weekend with taking their partners. Partners go along to conferences, abroad and so forth, if they want to and can get away.

However, it does depend how intensive the work is, and whether you'll be free in the evenings, if you are not, then there's not much point.

I can't see this working for you as you (as a couple) have a very rigid agreement anyway about limiting contact time and therefore this would be outside your norm and not comfortable for you. I wouldn't do it on this occasion- perhaps talk about whether you are willing to go away on a mini-break type night or weekend when you are not working just for fun.

NannyRed · 06/03/2019 12:08

I Often accompany my dh when he has business trips. Im quite happy to be found exploring a city whilst he is working and in the evening we enjoy a nice meal and the local night life.

I’d find it weird if he wanted to spend overnight in a hotel in Paris without me.

So it’s not unusual or weird for oh’s to join working partners.

PanickAttack · 06/03/2019 12:15

I wouldn’t have a problem with this.

My husband was working away for a weekend and it involves two overnight stays..

He spoke to the hotel and booked a double room instead of single and paid the difference.

I joined him and he spent the working hours doing work and when he was back at the hotel there I was chilling.

We conceived our first child that trip too! TMI.

I don’t see why it’s a problem.

PinkHeart5914 · 06/03/2019 12:18

Ok so your not keeping him as a pet BUT he probably has feelings for you and sometimes it’s hard to walk away. So maybe you justify this by saying well I don’t keep him as a pet but you know that he wants more.

I get your reasons but I really feel for your dp as this ends in heart ache for him and that is sad

MatildaTheCat · 06/03/2019 12:24

I think he’s saying he’d like a bit more from this relationship. Is that something you are willing to consider? The context of the work trip is a bit of a red herring IMO, he wants a night away with you in a new place, not unreasonable. Maybe time to chat over your current boundaries and whether you are ever going to relax them.

KitKat1985 · 06/03/2019 12:29

Not really weird. It would probably be a bit odd if he was away with colleagues, but I know a lot of people who go on solo work trips whose partners stay with them for a night or two. It's better than sitting in your hotel room on your own for an evening.

It does sound like he wants more from a relationship than what you are willing to give though. Maybe you need to have a serious talk as a couple as to where your relationship is going. Is this as far as you are concerned as good as it gets? Or could you work towards living together eventually? I suspect he accepted the initial 'terms' of your relationship, but probably hoped that after a few years you might trust him enough to want more from your relationship. To be honest I'd be lonely and miserable in a relationship where I only saw my partner once a month.

Crystalintheeyes · 06/03/2019 12:32

I feel sorry for your BF. He clearly wants more and you know this.
Let him free or get into a proper relationship with him. Don’t keep him as your pet you bother with now and again

Smelborp · 06/03/2019 12:33

It would be normal for my company. Partners often tag along on work meetings and entertain themselves during the day.

amusedbush · 06/03/2019 12:39

It's totally normal. I know people who join their partners/whose partners join them while they are in the US/Singapore/Dubai, etc for conferences. They pay the difference on flights and accommodation, maybe tack on a few days of annual leave at the end and fly back later.

Whatnotea · 06/03/2019 12:43

it is quite acceptable to go on a trip for business and your other half to join you.
DP has done it a couple of times, to an industry conference and when I have traveled to the US a couple of times, it is no big deal and no one would bat an eyelid.

Anique105 · 06/03/2019 12:44

I think this is perfectly normal as long as he pays for his own accommodation and food etc. But the bigger issue is that he suggested this because he wants more than a once a week arrangement. It's going to split you both up as someone can be understanding for only so long.
Do you want a future with him, a family, children etc? He most probably would, so its something that will be a huge issue at some point.

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 06/03/2019 12:47

Completely normal in my industry for other halves to accompany on work trips, even if colleagues are going too. As long as it doesn't get in the way of work (ie making excuses to finish earlier in the day to see each other etc) then not a problem

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/03/2019 12:47

I’m sorry things have been difficult in your past OP but I feel for you boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to join you on your work trip, you could just meet up in the evening for a meal etc while he does stuff in the day.

sirfredfredgeorge · 06/03/2019 12:51

Obviously it depends on the job, but of course it's not unusual, most employers will also allow you to book travel such that you can extra time outside - especially as it can be cheaper.

In some jobs, it will be much less common - those are the ones where you're expected to socialise with colleagues or customers when on work trips.

Not wanting DP to come 'cos you don't want DP there is fine too of course.

Mmmhmmm · 06/03/2019 12:54

I don't think seeing your partner once a month is going to be enough longterm, maybe he is showing you the first sign that he's feeling that way.

DontCallMeShitley · 06/03/2019 12:55

I have done this a few times. Gone with someone on a business trip, gone out during the day or used the pool etc.while they were working, and spent the evenings together.

It made a nice break for me and meant we could spend the evenings relaxing. Obviously if you have to work in the evening as well it wouldn't work.

lottiegarbanzo · 06/03/2019 12:57

Depends if you're expecting / expected to work in the evening; writing up notes, prepping for next day, having dinner with clients or colleagues. If so, he'd be a burden.

If not and you're expecting to have to fill an empty evening, then it's possible but, up to you. You might like to have a quiet evening alone, away from home? Lone hotel stays can be wonderfully peaceful and relaxing, as you have none of the practical distractions of home.

When people do this, they stay in their DP's double room, to make the most of an existing, paid-for booking, they don't book another room.

I've seen it happen at the end of conferences for example, with the expecation of a day off the next day. If somewhere nice, the couple might stay in the area another night or for the weekend.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 06/03/2019 13:00

I have done this too, DP joined me for a night when I was working in a location not too far from where he lived. My manager knew me well and knew that I was in a long distance relationship and that my partner lived near the work location. He was more than happy for me to spend the evening with DP as long as any additional costs were paid separately.

I also used to travel abroad frequently for 2 weeks at a time. It was completely acceptable for partners to join at the weekend as long as their costs were covered by me.

However, the big difference is that I was wholly comfortable with this. It doesn't sound like you are, so on top of it being an unusual event for you to travel with work, I would say no, and choose another time and place to have a night away with your partner.

CielBleuEtNuages · 06/03/2019 13:00

I've never known anyone do this. Evenings are usually filled with team or client dinners. Plus catching up on work missed from being abroad and in meetings all day. And depending on time zones, desperately trying to catch up on sleep.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/03/2019 13:01

It’s completely unremarkable for a partner to join their OH on a business trip.

I know this wasn’t what you were asking, but anyway....
I think him joking about sneakily travelling there and surprising you was really stupid given your history & boundaries in your relationship.

You know he wants more, he’s been happy for you to set the ground rules, but I expect he thought it would move forward, not forever more be one date a month. If, after all of this time, you still don’t want more than a date once a month, I think you need to talk to him again and be clear that is where you are at and are likely to stay. He needs to understand there will be no weekends away, no living together, no future beyond what you have now.

Is that what you really want? Or do you want to get help to deal with your past and find a better way of coping with your MH issues to enable you to have more of a relationship?

qazxc · 06/03/2019 13:02

I think it depends of what kind of work trip this is/ what the "done thing" is amongst your colleagues/ how engrossed you are going to be in work.
I wouldn't bring DP on work trips as my work would entail long and unsociable hours and is quite intensive. I also personally would have a work head/mindset, and would find it to be a distraction.

Grace212 · 06/03/2019 13:04

"It immediately made me uncomfortable"

there's your answer OP.

45andahalf · 06/03/2019 13:06

My colleagues and I travel a lot in our line of work and it's perfectly accepteable for us to bring a spouse or partner with us, provided they pay for their own meals and flights. People also often extend their stay for a few days, if they're visitng somewhere lovely (they have to pay for the extra nights in the hotel).

As an aside, I do think seeing him once a month just isn't sustainable. If you can't ever see yourself seeing him more, it's not really far on him to continue, if he starts wanting more.

Fraying · 06/03/2019 13:06

It's fairly common in my sector. DH has joined me on a few trips. He entertains himself during the day wandering around whichever city I'm in and then we meet up for dinner. Likewise, myself and DS have joined him at the end of a work trip and stayed on to have a break.