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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and priorities...

48 replies

MAFSShocker · 06/03/2019 08:47

DH wfh with a Flexi diary - can go to gym etc
Tomorrow we have an IVF appointment, it's been in his calendar for weeks. Get in from work and was met with assuming your just making your own way to appointment tomorrow. No, I want you to be there like we discussed. Was my response.
Him, ok it's just an hour out of my day there and back just for the appointment, I don't really have time as have to pick DSS up for sport in the arvo. (Which is an hour round trip) Will really cut my day short....
If he doesn't take me, it means 2 cabs and a bus for me to get to the clinic and then back to work.
More importantly- I'd like him there for the emotional support, it's us both doing it not just me.
Appreciate I might BU and over reacting due to hormones. But surely if you've time to take DSS to sport practice - not an event or match.
You can make the time to take me to our IVF appointment?!?!

OP posts:
Sausagerollers · 06/03/2019 09:17

Does he really want another child, as he's not exactly looking keen on the idea is he?

More importantly, do you want to have a DC with a man who isn't interested in the intricacies of you getting pregnant/carrying a child to term? Surely if he was interested he'd make time for your appointment.

Shylo · 06/03/2019 09:18

I agree with Sauasage .... he doesn’t seem to be enagaged and if he’s not on word at this stage I’d be questioning whether it’s a good idea to proceed

Jupiters · 06/03/2019 09:19

Wow, he is definitely bring the unreasonable one here. I'd be upset with him if I was in your position, as I'd feel I (and the IVF process) wasn't very important to him.

Hotpinkangel19 · 06/03/2019 09:19

Doesn't sound like he's that interested to me..

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 06/03/2019 09:20

I don't think prioritising your existing child's needs over an IVF appointment is unreasonable.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 06/03/2019 09:21

I’m With the others - this would have me seriously questioning whether he is actually committed to the IVF journey at all.

ADHMeeee · 06/03/2019 09:22

He has flexi and works from home. He can miss some gym and bloody well accompany you. This is a big deal.

blackteasplease · 06/03/2019 09:26

He is very unreasonable. I wouldn't bother going either if he's like this. You can imagine what he all be like when he has to do anything for the dc.

Mayne put the ball in his court and say "I really need you to be there. I need to know you committed to this otherwise I don't see the point of going "

Plus the way he said it as though you hadn't agreed was annoying.

blackteasplease · 06/03/2019 09:27

Ps nothing wrong with prioritising dss but it sounds like he can do both but choosing not to? He can make up the hours.later and miss the gym / an hour of sleep/ downtime etc

KatnissMellark · 06/03/2019 09:27

What appointment is it? Do you need his support or is it just the transport issue? This does make a difference to be honest. I'm going into my seventh IVF cycle now so be aware these things can go in for many years. You need to be together through it but also normal life needs to carry in. For the first cycle DH came to every appointment as that's what I felt I needed and there were no other children to consider. However as you have other children to consider this may not be possible. If you do end up needing as much treatment as we have (I hope you that you don't!) it may be worth considering what appointments are important for him to be at, and what you can cope with on your own. For our subsequent UK cycles DH came only the EC and ET, didn't attend any other appointments. We are now going into our third cycle abroad and DH has only been over with me once for EC/him to give his sample, I've done all other trips/appointments myself including ET, as a)cost and b)to minimise disruption to DS (from our fourth round!).

It's not as black and white as he should be there or not-everyones' needs must be balanced, he needs to keep his job, look after his DSS, but also support you appropriately depending on where you are in the process.

Can you learn to drive or is there a reason you can't (obviously a long term solution if it's the transport issue that concerns you)

PandaSky · 06/03/2019 09:45

I think it depends what the appointment is for, some IVF appts are just a quick blood test. But then others are more in depth with lots of information or scans.

Cailinnua · 06/03/2019 10:02

What is happening at the appointment? I would only want him there if he is needed. You end up with a lot of trips when you are doing a cycle, we went together for the first informative meeting and then I did the rest alone. I felt it was a waste of his time hanging around, he would have gone if I’d asked him though

frenchknitting · 06/03/2019 10:13

Can't he just start work an hour earlier? That is the advantage of flexi WFH.

TriciaH87 · 06/03/2019 10:17

Tell him if he wants this baby he starts as he means to go on....being there every step of the way. Otherwise your being treated like a single parent before conception. He needs to step up or you need to consider is this a good idea if his not 100% committed.

Original poster
MAFSShocker · 06/03/2019 10:33

We've just done one cycle which failed. Appointment tomorrow is prep for EPU - we are mid stims. I don't need him there, but want him there. I did some appointments alone last cycle and appreciate sometimes you just need to tough it out. We've done a back to back failure to stims and I'm feeling shit, hence the need this time.
I can drive but we have one car, barely gets used so we don't need another. I take public trans. to work. But if I take the car he can't then pick up DSS.
I know he's invested in this, I just sometimes think he needs to think a bit before he acts. Also I have the controversial view, that sometimes not always the child shouldn't always come first. Shock, horror. And yes I'll hold that view when we have children.

OP posts:
KatnissMellark · 06/03/2019 11:02

Honestly I do think you're being a tiny bit OTT (said in the kindest way). I've been there myself so totally understand. You are right, the child doesn't always have to come first, it's about balancing the needs of the family as a whole. If it's prep for EPU it'll likely be a scan to check your follies, weight, blood pressure and info regarding the procedure. DH doesn't really need to be there for that.

I'd be more annoyed he'd previously agreed and is now messing you about tbh so would raise that as an issue with him but not push him to attending this time. Tell him you want to feel supported but understand the need for balance so in future honesty up front would be better, and delivering on his promises.

It is shit, because even though you're in it together, it's all on you, you're the one who undergoes all the procedures, takes all the drugs and the majority of the emotional fallout. It's really fucking hard and at times I've been really angry at my DH over it-the fact that it just barely affects him and has such a huge impact on me drives me nuts.

And they should be doing all they can to support us, in principle. However in reality there are other issues to be weighed up. You don't want your dss resenting a sibling that's not even conceived yet, and you don't want DHs work cracking down because they think he's taking this piss, which will then cause more logistical issues in the future. So on this one is be the grown up and let it slide (after the convo I've suggest above) but for EPU, ET any treatment planning appointments where different approaches are discussed, he should be there.

lastqueenofscotland · 06/03/2019 11:27

I think leaving an existing child to go to an appointment for IVF is actually really naff...

KatnissMellark · 06/03/2019 11:36

@lastqueenofscotland what do you mean? Anyone with fertility issues is only allowed one child? Or we should take then with us to the fertility clinic? Because people complain about that too...

Is it less acceptable leaving them a few hours/a day for an IVF procedure than it is for work? A different medical procedure? Or a weekend away with friends? Or a meal out or drinks? Because people do those things all the time, why is IVF different Confused

mrsm43s · 06/03/2019 11:40

If he can only do one thing, then I think taking DSS to his sports commitment trumps coming with you to your appointment.

But it sounds as though he could do both, and I think he should make the effort to do so in order to support you. Can he work an extra hour or two another day to make up time? Or even take some annual leave?

timeisnotaline · 06/03/2019 11:43

Going back on being agreed when it’s a sensitive topic would really shit me.

Original poster
MAFSShocker · 06/03/2019 19:40

So I'm clear there are some (not all) opinions, that a pre existing medical appointment that concerns us both should take less priority than DH being a taxi for DSS to routine sports practice (when he can talk there unaided)
Appreciate that I might be being a bit OTT, being full of hormones and struggling TTC will do that to a person!

OP posts:
PandaSky · 06/03/2019 21:12

I've had IVF but what is EPU? Either I've forgotten it or didn't have it.

Original poster
MAFSShocker · 06/03/2019 21:39

@PandaSky EC - EPU egg collection

OP posts:
Iggly · 06/03/2019 21:41

And yes I'll hold that view when we have children

You don’t actually know that.

Logically maybe he sees that he doesn’t need to be there and can pick up his child. And you’ve done these appointments alone before?

PandaSky · 06/03/2019 21:45

EPU - egg pick up. Never heard it called that before!

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