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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New guy hinting at sex

58 replies

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 22:39

So recently I've started seeing a new guy, it's been quite quick and intense and we saw each other a lot when I was child free recently. We ended up having sex a few dates in, although I had mentioned how I wasn't just after casual fun and after something more meaningful - which he also agreed he was (as they do, lol.)

Anyway, ever since we had sex we haven't had it again as I have held back. Last time I saw him we went out but then he asked to go back to mine, so we did but I was adamant in my mind that we just watch a movie. During the movie he hinted at wanting sex, but I played dumb to it and he left after just a kiss.

He planned a new date for last weekend which involved us being in public, so I was looking forward to that as there would be no sex expectations. However, before that date happened he started asking if he could come to mine in the week once my kids were in bed...again I felt it was him hoping for sex...so I ended up cancelling both those dates. I lied and said I was sick.

He has shown interest every day since, and we do get on - he's probably the first guy in a long time i've clicked with - so I agreed to him coming over tomorrow as he said he'd missed me etc. But this evening he started talking about what we'd do and all of a sudden he starts saying about us both being together with 'no clothes' and 'i'll get some wine' (as the time we had sex I had drank wine.) I then turned around and said 'are you basically saying you want to have sex with me tomorrow?' in which he backtracked, said he just wanted to cuddle, in which I picked him up on his 'no clothes' comment, but he played innocent to it all.

Anyway, I feel partly like IBU, and partly like I'm just fed up of men wanting me for one thing. I went on another date recently (me and this guy aren't exclusive), and all night the guy looked at me like I was a piece of meat. Needless to say he went home alone, and I never heard from him again. I've been single 2 years and dated someone for a while in that time who totally used me for sex but made out he wanted more. I just want someone who wants ME, and yes I know I probably shouldn't have slept with this guy so soon, but I have now so maybe that's how I've screwed it up.

I am now ignoring this guys messages and feeling like I should cancel tomorrow night. But AIBU. Is this just normal standard guys trying their luck, especially when you've already had sex once. Probably also should mention he's almost 4 years younger than me, he's 30 and I'm nearly 34.

OP posts:

IdaBWells · 05/03/2019 22:42

Unfortunately you gave him the message that you’re up for it without knowing him very well so he doesn’t seem to think he needs to make much effort to get to know you as his priority is clearly sex. If that’s not what you want I think you should have a frank conversation with him. Otherwise if nothing changes cut this guy lose and just take your time next time.

starabara · 05/03/2019 22:43

I think being pressured for sex is grim. I think if you don’t want to have it, you shouldn’t, and having done it once should never be taken as a guarantee that you’ll be doing it again.

Get rid of him if you feel incompatible.

Personally, I like sex, and I like casual sex, so it wouldn’t bother me. Still doesn’t mean if I didn’t want it, I would appreciate being hinted at, but I would be making it clear I didn’t want it, not just lying or cancelling.

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/03/2019 22:46

He sounds blatant, tbh. If you don’t feel comfortable then call it off. There’s plenty of other men out there.

lifebegins50 · 05/03/2019 22:48

I think you need to be honest and explain that you feel you had sex too early an would prefer to get to know him. It seems like game playing if you just make up excuses.

Reality is dating is a risk and all you can do is go into with your eyes open. Have sex if you want or don't as there is but is no guarantee the relationship will last.
I would however recommend you stand back and think, Are they any red flags? Has he had long term relationships before? What did you learn about the previous relationships that ended? Did you ignore your gut feelings? Lastly will you cope if he does dump you are sex?

Btw, you are not exclusive so do you mind if he has sex with other people?

IdaBWells · 05/03/2019 22:51

lifebegins50 you sound like you’re offering !!!!

Original poster

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 22:54

Thanks guys. Thing is he organises normal dates too, but then constantly hints at coming over to mine before those dates materialise, and I personally believe that's because he wants sex - maybe I'm wrong and he does just want to see me...but my gut says he's wanting another go lol.

I agree that just because it's happened once he shouldn't just assume I'm going to do that every time - and I feel that I made that pretty clear when he was last over and I didn't have sex with him. He was hinting during the movie about sex, and I just ignored it and continued watching the film.

Also if he ever tries to talk about having sex during our chats, I shut it down and say I'm not just about that. So it's not like I'm just lying and not being upfront. He's also known since the beginning that I'm not just about sex, that's why it's off putting that he is continuing to 'try his luck.'

I think it's a lesson not to jump into bed too soon, I guess it had been a while and after a bad couple of months I fancied it. But yeah...it doesn't show "long term" does it.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 05/03/2019 22:55

Agree with stara, it's worth being clear and perhaps accepting you're not compatible. There's nothing wrong per se in wanting to have sex, esp when that line has been crossed, it's not that usual to then revert to not doing it. More usual to have it a lot at this point ime. Presumably it was nice and you like each other. But as you don't want to and he does, it's coming across as him being pushy and that's not nice, feeling on edge and like you have to fend him off. Feels like mismatched expectations so best to cool it. On the other hand, he could be confused as you say you want something meaningful but are still dating other guys, which might imply casual fun.

Oakenbeach · 05/03/2019 22:57

Tbh, unless you’re frank and tell him you want to back-pedal and go slow without sex, the guy is being pretty normal given that you’ve had sex.

Original poster

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 22:57

@IdabWells LOL!

@lifebeginsat50 To be honest I didn't think of those things before I slept with him. I do think he's a bit too young maybe, he's got no kids, lives with his parents - I do feel like it will always be him coming to mine, and whilst that's not an issue, maybe that's where I feel the pressure that he wants to come to mine all the time. Yes lots to consider, I think my gut is saying I jumped in too quick and next time I slow it down with someone I like and stay off the wine!

OP posts:

Original poster

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:00

Last time he was over I did speak to him about sex and said I don't normally rush this and I felt like I shouldn't have, to which he said not to worry about it etc. So he knew it wasn't my usual style. He doesn't know I've been dating others, but I'm certain he is and at this moment in time
it's too early to not.

But you guys are right, I do need to be upfront.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 05/03/2019 23:01

"But yeah...it doesn't show "long term" does it."

I'm not sure - don't lots of happily married couples start off shagging a lot? Again, I don't quite get the correlation between him wanting to have sex with you being 100% a bad thing. It'd arguably be worse if he didn't! But again, its about you both needing to want the same thing so if you don't, it's a non-starter really. Just worth reflecting on what you do want I guess - a meaningful friend who'll become a lover over the long term whilst you date other people does seem like an ambitious ask maybe.

Oakenbeach · 05/03/2019 23:01

On the other hand, he could be confused as you say you want something meaningful but are still dating other guys.

Wouldn’t anyone be confused by all this! Sex then no sex without explanation.... then says wants meaningful relationship but seeing also other men?!? OP, ffs YABU if you think you’re being reasonable to this man!

Esaworry · 05/03/2019 23:05

If I had sex with someone a few dates in then they suddenly started being offended at me hinting at sex I would be very confused.

I'm a woman BTW.

Surely once you've had dates and sex then you are in a sexual relationship.

How is he supposed to know what you are thinking if you shag him then decide you don't want to be in a sexual relationship with him.

TBH he sounds really nice as I would have stopped messaging you a while back.

Not because I expect sex but because I don't want to deal with someone who is up and down and moves expectations and boundaries around so flippantly.

Original poster

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:07

It's not even been a month guys! He is dating other people as am I and by that I mean I've had ONE date other than him and it was with a guy I haven't even spoken to since. I just thought I should continue accepting dates as he absolutely is doing that also.

Yes I do agree maybe I really need to clarify what I do want. I think because I was used for months with the last guy I dated maybe I'm overreacting because I'm so scared I'm making the same mistake again. But as some of you have said, you never know unless you try.

OP posts:

Oakenbeach · 05/03/2019 23:10

You had sex with him.... he now wants more. Perfectly normal. Abnormal to want row things back (not that I haven’t done it myself once - things didn’t end well). You’re perfectly entitled to change the boundaries, but it’s you who is being the difficult one, not him.

Fiveredbricks · 05/03/2019 23:10

Yabu OP in that you're messing him around. If you don't want what he wants then cut him loose. You can't be all "I'm not all about sex" after shagging him so early on fgs. The poor guys clearly just wants some and you're leading him down a relationship path when he's just after a Tinder shag

Booboostwo · 05/03/2019 23:13

You had sex, he enjoyed it (presumably you did too?) and he wants to have sex again. There is nothing weird in that. You are perfectly entitled to not want to have sex, but I think you need to tell him what your feelings are. If I had had sex with a person and it seemed to be going well, I would be looking forward to more sex, unless they explained otherwise.

villamariavintrapp · 05/03/2019 23:13

Well lots of people have sex in a relationship. Wanting sex doesn’t mean he automatically doesn’t want a relationship. The two are not mutually exclusive! I do think you’re giving him very mixed messages though.

Jsmith99 · 05/03/2019 23:16

He is obviously very keen on you, but he must also be confused by your behaviour, to put it mildly.

I think you need to have an honest chat with him and explain that you are not playing games but you now think you made a mistake by having sex with him early on and that you now want to wait until you decide if he’s ‘Mr Right’.

Good luck.

Original poster

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:17

The poor guys clearly just wants some and you're leading him down a relationship path when he's just after a Tinder shag

Lol ok.

I get the mixed messages thing guys, I think I am being OTT and closed off because of past things that have happened. I think only since having sex with him has it triggered these feelings and that's not fair on him that I have suddenly 'changed my mind'. I'll see him tomorrow and explain where my heads at and see what he says. It all stems down to previous hurt and being so afraid of repeating it...

Thanks all.

OP posts:

FiddleFaddleDingDong · 05/03/2019 23:20

You've given him very mixed signals indeed. I'd be confused if a guy who'd enthusiastically had sex with me then started rebuffing my advances.

LonelyDadNeedsHelp · 05/03/2019 23:21

It's not working now and I don't think it's going to work out, so I think you should just be honest and stop seeing him. As others have said, he'll be confused and possibly hurt that you had sex and now you don't want sex. Sounds like you aren't really into him. Even if you start having sex again he'll be on edge wondering when you're going to cool things down again.

JonSnowsCloak · 05/03/2019 23:23

Tricky one but...If you've had sex with him, then that line has been crossed e.g. if you hadn't ever then it's not like you hadn't done it and he's pressuring to do it. Once it's done it's done... I did it after the second date (after telling myself I would wait til date 3...) basically i wanted to have sex with him so I did. If he's using you for sex he will sack it off after date 5 or date 10 it doesn't make a difference, if he's in for the long term it doesn't matter if you have sex after date 1 he will stick around. We're engaged now..
You can't say to him you have to stick around until I've decided you're not using me for sex after you've had sex with him. You might wait 3 months, have sex again a few times and he might still disappear. At which point you move on as he wasn't worth it anyway.

Fiveredbricks · 05/03/2019 23:25

Not sure why that's a "lol ok" @winnerwinnerchickendinner1

He's dating other people. If he is then he doesn't think this is all that special and after putting out he thinks you will again...

Nice to know your ego is in check though 😂 ... A 34yrold who still uses "lol" is a prize catch obviously

Sybil606 · 05/03/2019 23:26

You've not screwed anything up. Because you've had sex with this guy once, doesn't make it 'a right of passage' so to speak. You stick to your guns lady!

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