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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New guy hinting at sex

58 replies

winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 22:39

So recently I've started seeing a new guy, it's been quite quick and intense and we saw each other a lot when I was child free recently. We ended up having sex a few dates in, although I had mentioned how I wasn't just after casual fun and after something more meaningful - which he also agreed he was (as they do, lol.)

Anyway, ever since we had sex we haven't had it again as I have held back. Last time I saw him we went out but then he asked to go back to mine, so we did but I was adamant in my mind that we just watch a movie. During the movie he hinted at wanting sex, but I played dumb to it and he left after just a kiss.

He planned a new date for last weekend which involved us being in public, so I was looking forward to that as there would be no sex expectations. However, before that date happened he started asking if he could come to mine in the week once my kids were in bed...again I felt it was him hoping for sex...so I ended up cancelling both those dates. I lied and said I was sick.

He has shown interest every day since, and we do get on - he's probably the first guy in a long time i've clicked with - so I agreed to him coming over tomorrow as he said he'd missed me etc. But this evening he started talking about what we'd do and all of a sudden he starts saying about us both being together with 'no clothes' and 'i'll get some wine' (as the time we had sex I had drank wine.) I then turned around and said 'are you basically saying you want to have sex with me tomorrow?' in which he backtracked, said he just wanted to cuddle, in which I picked him up on his 'no clothes' comment, but he played innocent to it all.

Anyway, I feel partly like IBU, and partly like I'm just fed up of men wanting me for one thing. I went on another date recently (me and this guy aren't exclusive), and all night the guy looked at me like I was a piece of meat. Needless to say he went home alone, and I never heard from him again. I've been single 2 years and dated someone for a while in that time who totally used me for sex but made out he wanted more. I just want someone who wants ME, and yes I know I probably shouldn't have slept with this guy so soon, but I have now so maybe that's how I've screwed it up.

I am now ignoring this guys messages and feeling like I should cancel tomorrow night. But AIBU. Is this just normal standard guys trying their luck, especially when you've already had sex once. Probably also should mention he's almost 4 years younger than me, he's 30 and I'm nearly 34.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:27

@JonSnowsCloak thank you!!! That's pretty much what I needed to hear and totally makes sense.

Again thank you all, I realise I've been a bit of an idiot with this one and it's my own mind messing with me rather than him. He's keen on me, and I guess I'm freaked out by someone being so interested and I'm looking for a reason to run.

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 05/03/2019 23:32

You say you’ve ‘clicked’ but to me it just sounds like you have very little physical attraction to him.

It’s fair enough to wait a few dates before having sex, but usually once that’s out of the way a couple that click will be at it like rabbits for the next 6 month.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 05/03/2019 23:32

Ignore those telling you youve messed him around... everyone is entitled to change their mind , and you have changed yours .

Either he can accept that, or not - but it doesn't mean you have done anything wrong.

Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:33

A 34yrold who still uses "lol" is a prize catch obviously hmm

Wow you seem lovely and judgemental.

OP posts:
HomeMadeMadness · 05/03/2019 23:33

I agree with PP that you should just be honest (you don't want any more sex until you're more serious with someone) and see how he reacts.

FiddleFaddleDingDong · 05/03/2019 23:34

My mother lolled in a text to me yesterday. She's 75. Not on Tinder to the best of my knowledge. Definitely a catch tho.

GlitterGlassEye · 05/03/2019 23:35

Don’t you want to rip the clothes right off someone you fancy (and have been seeing) once you’ve had sex?

Was it shit op? Tell the truth.

MIA12 · 05/03/2019 23:35

yes I know I probably shouldn't have slept with this guy so soon, but I have now so maybe that's how I've screwed it up.

You’ve haven’t screwed up so be kinder to yourself.

You have two options really, have a heart to heart and explain you feel things moved too quickly and you’d like to slow down, or call it a day now.

I can see why he would be confused but he’s a man, not an ape, so he should be able to understand when you say you feel things have happened too quickly. Note: he doesn’t have to be in agreement to see where you’re coming from.

I think only since having sex with him has it triggered these feelings

You feel vulnerable after previous bad experiences, that’s a normal reaction. Perhaps talking to him will reassure you what his intentions are?

HennyPennyHorror · 05/03/2019 23:38

I think it's odd that you slept with him and are now trying to act as though you didn't!

Of course he's going to try for more...you've done it once and been happy to go on further dates. I think you sound like a nightmare!

It's your right to refuse sex of course...but if you only want to be friends, tell him that.

It's weird to shag someone then decide you're going to play hard to get and hope for a meaningful relationship.

Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:38

It’s fair enough to wait a few dates before having sex, but usually once that’s out of the way a couple that click will be at it like rabbits for the next 6 month.

Thing is this was my last "relationship" it was amazing and intense and a LOT of sex but then ended awfully as he turned around and said he actually didn't want a relationship after all and had just wanted me for sex basically.

So whilst I'd love to be in that exciting stage again I guess the past has made me overly cautious, and since having sex it's triggered the "what if I'm just going to be used and dumped" feeling.

OP posts:
FiddleFaddleDingDong · 05/03/2019 23:42

Just have a chat with the guy. It doesn't need to be intense, just tell him where you're at.

Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:43

@FiddleFaddleDingDong hahaha - or should I say LOL - thanks for that Fiddle, your mum sounds great ;)

I think it's odd that you slept with him and are now trying to act as though you didn't!
I know :( like I said, it's triggered feelings I didn't realise I had.

OP posts:
OfficeSlave · 05/03/2019 23:49

It does sound like he is preoccupied with each meeting to be about sex and sounds a bit like a cringy teenage boy bringing it up at every meeting. If he is persistently going to the sex talk after you keep shutting it down and have told him you want to slow it down, then he’s not your match.

I don’t agree that just because you have had sex once early on it is now an open door or that he has any reason to be hurt or confused!? It’s not like you haven’t said anything at all, you’ve said you’re not all about sex. I think if he has a brain, that is not leaving him i the dark completely. You can change your mind or realise things moved too fast without it becoming ‘oh poor him’. He sounds like a teenager that’s never had sex before. You do need to be clear and say exactly how you feel and if you do want to continue dating, ask him if he’s ok with that. If hes not, then fine,move on. It sounds like you have the beginnings of the ick in any case..., unless it’s just me having it for you haha..

I thankfully haven’t known any grown man that would act like this, even when we’d shagged early on or first date...no expectations or entitlement to sex for future dates, no weird behaviour if sex not on tap for the dates after that.

Chocmallows · 05/03/2019 23:54

Be honest with yourself about your feelings, it sounds like you hid the feelings of grief at the end of your last relationship and they are haunting you now. Disappointment, confusion and anger often have to be vented to move on.

The new guy doesn't sound like a real potential guy for you, but could anyone when you already have mixed emotions to deal with?

Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 05/03/2019 23:56

@OfficeSlave Yes that's what I feel, it gives off the teenage boy vibes like he's desperate for sex, especially as I have shut down the sex stuff and explained I'm not just about that. Ah well, I'll see him tomorrow and I will know for sure if I have the ick.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 05/03/2019 23:59

Use your words. Tell him that you like him and you like sex, and that you liked having sex with him but that you need to recenter things on getting to know him without the horizontal tango for a bit.

I once went out with a guy who I asked out on match.com and swore to myself that there would be no sex under any circumstances. We had sex. I felt like it was a big mistake, as I really fancied him for a serious relationship.

We've been married for 21 years, have two great kids and he's been a lovely husband and father. In other words, all is not lost.

Original poster
winnerwinnerchickendinner1 · 06/03/2019 00:02

@MissConductUS ahh thanks for your message :) yeah I guess I have panicked that sex early = doomed. I'll be honest with him tomorrow.

I guess in the back of my mind he's going to Spring Break in Cancun on a boys trip in just over a week and I highly doubt he's going to be innocent while out there. Maybe that's also putting me off.

OP posts:
JonSnowsCloak · 06/03/2019 00:08

Thanks OP I wasn't trying to be harsh, it's just I think you're baseing it on past experiences, yes some men lose interest once they've got what they want but at the end of the day as long as you're two consenting adults, if you did it on the first date but ended up marrying him what does it matter? I think you might be thinking...have I ballsed it up by sleeping with him too early, but that isn't what would actually balls it up, it would be that he's too immature to see past the sex part or that he didn't like you enough apart from the sex anyway? You've got every right to say to him actually, I want to get to know you and not focus on the sex part but if you both fancy each other enough to have sex why not have fun doing both?

whywhywhy6 · 06/03/2019 02:21

Your behaviour is confusing. YABU.

Gingernut83 · 06/03/2019 06:43

@winnerwinnerchickendinner1 I’m 35 and still lol regularly! Also sex isn’t a compulsory activity just because you did it once - if you’re not feeling it don’t do it ! x

Sleephead1 · 06/03/2019 06:44

to be honest if I was dating someone and we had sex then I would think we would have it again. Why wouldn't you? now absolutely it shouldn't be expected but if you are still dating I can see why he thinks it's on the cards. Why do you think you are so stressed about this? you say he arranges dates( you cancel them) he contacts you lots, shows interest and you click. What are you scared of ? it not working out ? well there are never any guarantees in life. Is at a hang up that nice /good girls don't have sex straight away/ it's not the basic of long term relationships/ you will be judged? It just seems odd to me that it's all going well then you are acting like him wanting sex with you as a negative thing I think you regret it and are maybe annoyed at yourself but you can't change it now it happened you havnt done anything wrong. Its early days why not try an relax and just enjoy it

MRex · 06/03/2019 07:22

I'd find it odd if I slept with someone and they didn't want to have sex again. Isn't he assuming you thought the sex was crap? Surely it was or you'd want to have sex with him again? He sounds like he's given you a lot of chances for more dates, you're thing to have to start talking clearly with him or I doubt he'll bother. You said you think he's dating others, how do you know that? If you're going to have sex then it's best to make a relationship exclusive first; again it's about using your words. E.g.
"I feel that we had sex too early because we aren't in an exclusive relationship, so it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd like to hold off from getting too intimate until we're ready to be exclusive."

villamariavintrapp · 06/03/2019 07:27

I actually think this is the drawback of having sex early on-it makes it very hard to tell whether someone likes sex, or likes sex with you. And once it’s on the table, it’s hard to take it back off without changing the dynamics of the relationship-making them think you’re playing games, lost interest etc. Of course often it does work out, but i do think it complicates things a bit..

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 06/03/2019 07:31

Look, he wants to be having a sexual relationship with you. That is perfectly normal when dating. If you don't want that either cut him free, or tell him "no sex for X weeks, stay or leave".

burritofan · 06/03/2019 07:46

You can't be all "I'm not all about sex" after shagging him so early on fgs.
What? You can. It's unusual, but having sex once isn't signing off on a lifetime free-for-all. People are allowed to make mistakes or jump the gun on sex then think "whoa, let's slow down".

The trouble is, OP, if you're using the phrase "I'm not all about sex" you're not actually being clear, it's still a bit waffly – it sounds like you just want reassurance, vs not actually wanting to have sex again. you need to have an open and frank conversation where you say you feel you had sex too early, and want to dial the physical side of things back down for a while, and that invitations to yours, and dates, are not an invitation to have sex, nor do you need to be plied with wine beforehand; you'll make clear when you're ready.

Nb sex early doesn't mean doomed – my boyfriend and I had sex before we even had an official date! Now happily cohabiting with a baby on the way :) We were definitely just all about the sex to begin with though Blush