What do you do when no one wants to be friends with your child?

[Worriedaboutmyson2019]

I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I am desperately worried about DS.

He is in year 5 and is struggling so much with friendships. He is a kind, sociable boy who loves playing with other children. However, in his own words, he is geeky and "uncool". He has no interest in football and Fortnite, which seem to be the current obsession with most of the boys in his class. He is very clumsy and hopeless at any sports. He also finds a lot of the boys in his class silly and he doesn't take a joke well (which means they tease him a bit to get a reaction).

I was worried about low level bullying, but school seem to have sorted this. However, the boys in his class just don't want to be friends with him and he is becoming increasingly isolated. I have spoken to school so many times, but I don't think they really know what to do. To be honest, I am not sure what they can do. How can you make children be friends if they just don't want to?

I am so sad for him because he would love to have a great bunch of friends. I am also terrified about what the future holds as I fear he may be at risk of bullying at high school.

One option might be to move schools in the hope that he can find a group of friends he has something in common with, but then there is the risk that we just have a lot of disruption only to end up in exactly the same position.

I have tried encouraging out of school clubs, but that hasn't really been effective.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you find a solution?

Goodness me - you could be talking about me and my DS at that age.

He was and still is a self defined Geek.

Turns out wrt to primary school, he was just ahead of his time.

It was a tough time though.

If it's any consolation to you since going to high school, he now has a good "geeky" friendship circle.

They are all "high achievers" academically and utterly embraced by the school and maybe a bit bizarrely now other pupils (being voted head of house) and think because they are known for being rational and fair.

All I'm saying is it sounds to me like your child isn't at all odd. He's just bright and knows his own values at a young age. He sounds like my DS - intellectually over mature but emotionally under mature. He will catch up!!

Encourage him and explain that other children might not "get" him but that fitting is not an objective, being himself is will what wins him friends that care.

My quiet and geeky DD bloomed in high school OP. The suddenly vast selection of children meant that of course, there were kids "like her" who were interested in more unusual topics and hobbies.

She's 14 now and from having one friend in primary, she's suddenly part of a big group of like-minded kids. Explain to DS that he's in a small pond but it will expand.

Geeky is cool these days and he'll find more like minded children at secondary school, in the meantime it is worth working on his resilience, humour and willingness to do things that others like sometimes too. You've described him as a sociable boy, but also that he finds jokes difficult and that he only wants to play his games, not give other things a go, those things aren't going to make it easy for him to get along with other children. I agree with PP that out of school activities might serve him well.

This was my son in primary school. Now in year 8 and has a great social life in school and has a new circle of friends. Although he still spends every minute he can on Minecraft and roblox.

The conversations I had with the headteachers about my ds were if this were a job he had left already. It just not that easy, particularly in a small primary. He basically got through (great school he just didnt fit) and has found secondary easier.

I spoke to DS last night and he is really excited by the archaeology club, so we will definitely give that a try.

I've also spoken to him about laughing off jokes a bit more rather than getting annoyed. He understands, but I think he will struggle with this. He's very easy going at home, but somehow the boys at school seem to wind him up and then he doesn't know what to do.

Although he's quite serious, he's not actually super clever. Probably slightly above average, but definitely not within the very top groups. We are in a grammar school area but I doubt he will get in. I just hope he finds a group of like-minded individuals at high school.

To the person who asked about the gap between boys and girls at his school, this is something I am not happy about. However I have asked around and it doesn't seem to be the case in other classes. It just seems that our class has split into a boys group and a girls group. Now DS is under the impression that boys shouldn't play with girls, which is a real shame. I've chatted to him about this quite a few times, but at the moment he is aghast at the thought of playing with the girls! I think it doesn't help that we don't have any girls in our street and also all his cousins are boys, so he doesn't have much interaction with girls in a smaller group environment.

I do think it might do no harm to rule out dyspraxia.Although my son has dyspraxia he had no problems learning to ride a bike and plays rugby.

Sounds similar to my eldest (ASD). She has totally found her tribe in secondary school and is so much happier. I did choose the school particularly because I thought she would fit in better there. Before that, having friends outside school, through an activity she does, helped her through the harder times. It is heartbreaking but there are no magic wands.

Bless him. A few friends have boys who had a similar primary experience they have all blossomed at secondary as “found their tribe”. Dd2 who is a sociable sort and plays well had barely any friends for a few years and hung out with boys simply because none of the girls in her class were like minded and the children formed friendships within their class. School mixed the classes and she is now at the centre of a large girly friendship group.

OP, I could almost have written your post. I have a son of the same age and while he has a small friendship pool in his year, he's never able to get on with more than a couple of them at a time. He seems unable to understand social dynamics and it doesn't help that many of the others in his class, and in his friendship group, are quite socially sophisticated and know how to press his buttons. He can't really cope with 'banter' (I do mean proper, light-hearted banter, not bullying dressed up as fun) and doesn't seem able to get it that friends do sometimes tease one another and mess around. He's not always like that - I've seen him cope with this at times, and even turn it around, but not often.

Socially, he can also be a bit of a PITA and will go on at length about a specialist subject without really noticing social cues that he's said enough already. If it sounds as if I'm describing someone with HF ASD, I've suspected for years that he's on the broader autistic spectrum (his younger brother is very severely autistic) but we feel he probably wouldn't get a diagnosis or any paperwork that would actually help him at school. We might rethink that now, though.

He isn't remotely sporty, musical or a games player - he'll do Minecraft on his tablet but apparently that hasn't been cool since about year 2. He also has a bit of a snob complex about things that are 'cool' or popular, possibly because they're espoused by the kids at school who've bullied him or are particularly loud (which he can't cope with - very sensitive to loudness and in-your-face-ness).

We tried out-of-school clubs (Beavers and Cubs didn't really work - he didn't enjoy his time there and they were very rowdy, full-on groups) and he does a martial art which, after 3 years, is finally becoming something he's enjoying and is proud to do. I was hoping it would also boost his rather fragile self-esteem but that's not really happening.

So, I decided a couple of years ago that I had to cultivate those aspects of his personality that would be 'bankable' in future, at secondary school. It's much more acceptable to be a geek than it used to be, so I've introduced him to Warhammer (arghhh so tedious) because a lot of the local secondaries round here have Warhammer clubs. I've encouraged more academic interests like chess and so on (and he reads constantly). I'm hoping these interests will help him find his tribe at secondary school in a year, and not lead to his total social ostracisation!

TBH it's something I'm now losing sleep over. He's bright and sensitive enough to know he's a bit different, and spends a lot of time agonising over why he doesn't have just one true friend, instead of friends who play him up or pinch things or turn tables on him. (and they do, but sometimes it's because he's just misreading the situation or winding them up.) Next year he'll be at secondary, and all I can hope is that he'll find some fellow geeks and other idiosyncratic kids, but I know I can't micromanage this for him.

There are some great suggestions on this thread and I'm bookmarking it for reference.

OP, all the very best of luck to your lovely boy. He sounds as if he'd get on well with my DS1.

Sounds like my son. He’s a geeky year 5 kid. He used to have one friend but now they both find each other annoying. He doesn’t actually seem too bothered about having no friends. He only comes home upset when he’s been excluded by the other boys. I do sometimes wonder if he too my have hfa. He is obsessed with space in particular black holes which can be a common theme with autistic boys. He also seems to get on better with adults. His teacher says he deliberately annoys other children by constantly singing the same tune. He also has a tendency to give people facts all the time and refuses to try and remember the names of children in his class despite having a brilliant memory for facts. I’ve got him to do a few after school clubs including football- this was a particular challenge as he used to be afraid of balls. He seems happy most of the time though and loves school.

My son has also struggled socially and it is heart-breaking sometimes. nbartist : I thought your post was lovely and very encouraging. I am glad you have found your friends.

I recommend 'The Unwritten Rules of Friendship', it's not for him to read but for you to get some ideas about what might be going wrong, and how you could help him. He sounds like he has some clear strengths but might be a bit out of step sometimes? Perhaps a 'different drummer' maybe (see the book). That's ok if he is happy with who he is. He probably only needs one friend or two to feel ok. I'd definitely look at building his sense of self esteem and competence through out of school activities. My dd was the same for a long time. She is now doing well socially but it took time for her to find her tribe, and to learn about her own strengths and quirks.

Yy to second instrument eg viola and join an orchestra

If you change school in Y6 you will prob just get the same boys-playing-football scenario

Better to play the long game and develop some interests and social skills for secondary school

Hi, so many PP have given brilliant ideas and encouragement.

Just to add some things... if DS is musical and you go for a second instrument, maybe look for an orchestra instrument? There is a monthly music thread on MN with lots of brilliant advice (am there NC). Depending on area, there are lots of orchestras at all levels, from local, open to audition only NCO. Second instrument usually is quite quick to pick up. It is also slightly majority of girls, so a chance to interact naturally.

For Minecraft, are you doing Minecraft modding? My older DC loves it, there may be some local things in your area?

Yeah, suggest the viola. I'm a viola player. We are a tribe all of our own and there is a certain geeky tendency. Plus beginner viola practice isn't bad to listen to and even beginners get snapped up by orchestras as there's a shortage. Orchestral instruments open up the opportunity of holiday courses and summer camps etc - a good way to make friends.