What do you do when no one wants to be friends with your child?

[Worriedaboutmyson2019]

I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I am desperately worried about DS.

He is in year 5 and is struggling so much with friendships. He is a kind, sociable boy who loves playing with other children. However, in his own words, he is geeky and "uncool". He has no interest in football and Fortnite, which seem to be the current obsession with most of the boys in his class. He is very clumsy and hopeless at any sports. He also finds a lot of the boys in his class silly and he doesn't take a joke well (which means they tease him a bit to get a reaction).

I was worried about low level bullying, but school seem to have sorted this. However, the boys in his class just don't want to be friends with him and he is becoming increasingly isolated. I have spoken to school so many times, but I don't think they really know what to do. To be honest, I am not sure what they can do. How can you make children be friends if they just don't want to?

I am so sad for him because he would love to have a great bunch of friends. I am also terrified about what the future holds as I fear he may be at risk of bullying at high school.

One option might be to move schools in the hope that he can find a group of friends he has something in common with, but then there is the risk that we just have a lot of disruption only to end up in exactly the same position.

I have tried encouraging out of school clubs, but that hasn't really been effective.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you find a solution?

I was thinking dyspraxia too but TBH even if you tried to get his diagnosed which you almost definitely wouldn’t if he’s so mild it still doesn’t help his problem. I think it sounds like the other boys just aren’t interesting enough to him for him to make the effort to be flexible. I’d go down the root of clubs for now. We have a band after school club thing near us or Chess club?

Second instrument - pick something really sociable (not violin). Sax, trumpet, double bass. Then he's got a head start at secondary as well, as he can join the school groups.

Honestly, it will be fine.

Could you get an adult to observe his social interactions in school, in cubs and maybe observe him yourself with play dates etc to see if you can identify where it is going wrong for him.

My DS was having a hard time in school and I took a day off and observed him at school gate, watched at parties/play dates and got honest feedback from teacher. He has ASD but I saw where things were going wrong and coached him a little. He has a group of pals now at 8 years of age. Still needs a bit of coaching and I'm doing loads of play dates for him. Might be worth trying. He is also in beavers, speech and drama, chess club and football (although can't kick to save his life but likes to go to see his friends at it).

Not all kids develop social skills naturally some just need a little help.

Are there any "jobs" in school he could do, we have things like library sorting, tidying classrooms etc it means children who don't want to be outside in the playground every day get a break from it and are kept busy.

I totally agree that secondary school with a huge year group will make a difference. Ds2 is in year 8 and plays Minecraft with his friends. So you can tell your son that it is completely cool but it feels like a life time away.

Find your local games store and get him into kids dungeons and dragons gaming group. Did wonders for my nephew, who sounds a lot like your kid

Our DS is 'geeky' and has a heart condition which made him the slowest kid in the school quite apart from the class! Doesn't give a fig for football and has hypermobility so cycling is a really hard thing to do for him. Talk about stacked against him...but he has a very good group of friends.

We got him into drama classes when he was barely out of reception and he's been doing them ever since. He's never been one for the spotlight. He'll play 'one of the gang' of kids on stage. But the games they play at drama has really built his confidence and the other kids listened to him when he put forward ideas which helped him a lot.

And although DS was (still is) the geeky kid he got his place in class when he regularly got high 90 % in his work. The other kids realised he was a good source of information. He was always being picked to be on class quiz teams - that got him 'his place'. Kids used to check their spellings with him, that sort of thing.

And we used to 'role play' scenes with him. His biggest issue was sports day. Hated it. We never allowed him to miss it though. He had to learn to deal with comments. So we practiced things like 'Why are you so slow?' 'You let us down' etc. His answers were 'I'm slow because I have a heart condition - just what I am, get over it' 'No I didn't let you down. If I'm the slowest, no one else can be so you should all be grateful!' He gradually got his voice and, because he did stand up for himself (gently - he never got into fights) he started being respected. By year 4 the kids were cheering him on at sports day because he was what he was.

DS is now in year 7, happy at school and planning his birthday party with his new classmates and some from his old primary.

It's worth checking if there is a Minecraft club of some sort. Our local senior school has a Minecraft Saturday club every three months. DS and his friends go - in fact he met two new friends who joined the school at the last one. I've never heard that Minecraft isn't cool now - my DS's school is still nuts about it!

It's worth doing little role plays if there are issues you think DS is struggling with. Having a stock answer or a ready made way of dealing with a comment or situation gives them confidence. We did it with DS for low level bullying (name calling etc) and it stopped very swiftly because he had an answer (his was 'that's enough' said with a stern look) or knew how/when to walk away.

Just popping on to say it can get better. This was me at school in many ways, and I did find year 6 easier as people grew up a bit, and I then found friends in the seniors. I'm dyspraxic too, and I would say it affects me socially a little! It manifests differently in different people but I came into my own as a teen and some of the things I struggled with just clicked. I found more friends with similar interests and got more confident. I found more hobbies that suited me in seniors, too. Much wider range of clubs- with a bigger age range.

Good luck xxx

I know from experience how heartbreaking this can be. My eldest son used to ‘skulk’ round the edge of the primary playground because he wasn’t into football and didn’t know what to do with himself. He used to volunteer to tidy the library on his own rather than go out to play. No amount of play dates or networking with other mums to try and engineer friendships helped. Secondary school was no better to start with and it took him until year 9 to find his tribe. He started to get involved in after school clubs that caught his eye (nothing sporty) which led to him joining scouts/explorers, local theatre company etc and his world opened up. I think he just struggled to make a connection with anyone until he found an interest that motivated him, he relaxed and friendships followed naturally after that. He is late twenties now and I don’t see him often enough because he’s too busy socialising! It’s a world away from his primary years but I do understand how hard it is for both of you at the moment. Just have faith that you are a lovely mum, supportive mum and he will find his niche at some point. Do you have the luxury of a choice between mixed / same sex secondary schools? Our nearest school was an all boys and I think that helped. Out of a pool of 240 boys you stand a greater chance of meeting like minded male friends. That pool would have been reduced to around 120 in a mixed school so worth some consideration if you are doing your application later this year.

Having been the female version of your son I came on here to say Young Archaeologists (so glad to hear it's still going) and a second instrument but everyone else has beaten me to it.

From experience, if he learns the viola and can reliably count to 4 he'll be able to join any orchestra or string ensemble he likes, for life

My DD was just like this at primary school, she went on to find s small group of friends at senior school who are still her friends now 15 years on, try not to worry too much about him, he will find his group soon enough.x

If it comforts you at all, I have 4 children of whom 3 have had friendship difficulties at various times, mainly because they are geeky, nerdy, not quite into the same things as their peers. Of those 3, 2 are boys and in my experience things got infinitely better when they went to secondary school. I don't think you need worry that the bigger pond means there are more children to be alienated from your son. The truth is, in a bigger pond, there is more variety of personalities and more likelihood of finding acceptance. I don't know if the same can be said about girls going to secondary. The secondary aged girl can be a very judgemental and cliquey creature indeed. Well, that was what my dd found anyway, although, even for her, things improved by Year 10.

Ah bless him, this has made me so sad to read. My son is year 5 too and isn't keen on lots of things his school friends like and is also quite geeky. He has been ok friendship wise but from experience with my older DCs years 5 and 6 are strange years for friendships, with lots of issues and kids not being kind to each other.

I think once your DS goes to secondary school he will definitely find some friends that he has things in common with as there will be a lot more children in his year.

Feel free to PM me your location if you'd like; if we live at all near each other I'd be happy to meet up as it sounds like our sons would get on brilliantly!

My son sounds a bit similar and has gotten really into his music. He plays piano and violin and he does a couple of groups with violin which he really enjoys. So it might be worth looking at another instrument he could play in groups. He also does Scouts which is good if you're not too sporty as they are outdoor activities that anyone can take part in.

Primary school can be very difficult for a child who doesn't fit in.
I agree with everyone suggesting English Heritage, history/archaeology clubs.
The playground can be torture, so definitely look into any jobs he could do.
Clubs get more diverse and interesting as they get older, but year 5 can be grim.
A friend's son was bullied relentlessly because he was a little bit plump, very clever and a bit geeky.
He was so brave about it and he was really a lovely boy.
He had the last laugh though because he got a scholarship to a fantastic secondary school where he could do all the things that interested him.
Secondary school is better, and maybe you can apply to one that not all his classmates will be going to.
One of my DC was in a similar situation and it was a particular out of school club that saved her. A lot of it is about self esteem and finding a club or similar that they enjoy often has a knock on effect on confidence and improves the school situation.

One of my ds loves history, has absolutely no interest in football or gaming, and has a nice group of friends at secondary school. The fact he doesn't care a jot what anyone else thinks of him or his interests seems to be what makes him appealing to his eclectic group of friends. He's funny and doesn't take himself seriously. It takes all sorts to make a world and in a reasonably sized secondary school with good pastoral care, you do tend to find all sorts, so your ds will probably be OK. Learning not to rise to the bait when teased would be a good skill to master, though - many boys seem to enjoy winding each other up and don't generally mean it maliciously (they will do it to their closest friends, it's not something they reserve for people they don't like), but will keep going back to the boy who fails to see the humour in it!

I second the out of school clubs. What about non-competitive sports - Rock climbing, parkour or martial arts often attract kids that are a bit ‘geeky’

Hi my DS has similar issues but does like football and Fortnite. He also loves reading and having “conversations” which isolate him from the other boys in school. There has been a lot of low level bullying, he says that nobody “gets him” and he will always try and challenge and debate with those that are mean to him. He has been very mature about the whole situation and can’t wait to go to high school in September.
So the “positive” has been a lesson in resilience. I just he finds his people at high school!

OP go with the archaeology club and even examine the adult options. If going for a second instrument, research it well and make him aware of the alternatives playing him music or taking him on to concerts. He's old enough for sax or brass .. especially if he did recorder. But it should be what he wants.

Some children are just old souls and don't fit in until their peers grow up. As for a school that has a big divide between boys and girls ... sounds a problem the school should be addressing.

I'm might be completely wrong,but just wondering if he has ever been tested for Dyspraxia.My son was diagnosed a few years ago.It could explain the clumsiness.
He sounds like a lovely child.Hope things improve for him soon.

I think I read about it on here, but the St John's Ambulance has a youth division called the Badgers which sounds like a lot of fun. We also have local branches of the Woodcraft Folk which is a kind of alternative to cubs and scouts and attracts a sort of less-mainstream crowd (in our area at least) so the kids seem to be a bit less into competitive sport and a bit more into the arts which has been really nice - they have had evenings out birdwatching, barbecues at the local outdoor pool (in the summer!) and even performed at a festival last summer which was nice.

There is also a junior astronomers society near us, the local museum has a kind of kids' club with monthly sessions but I know some families meet up outside that, and our local library has a coding club and a book club for kids who are into that, so it might be worth checking those out too.

A youth orchestra? If he likes piano.

Hi, my son is in year 5 too and not into football (although very into gaming) so I can sympathise entirely as it seems like every break time revolves round that! Would agree with the 2nd instrument/youth orchestra already suggested. Also what about a chess club? Or a cycling club? My son goes to 2 cycling clubs and there's certainly a nice bunch of children and parents there. I honestly think your son will find kindred spirits at secondary school but it's so hard to see them being rejected and not be able to help.

Our local art/theatre venue runs a minecraft club in the school holidays. Sells out very quickly. Safe as they are on a network together rather than external to the group. Not sure if there is anything similar near you.

He sounds like adult geeky gamer friends. We play RPGs and various card and board games. Get him along to your nearest board and card gaming shop at a weekens :) they usually run clubs

Hi, I just wanted to say that this is basically how I grew up- I didn't really have proper friends until the end of secondary school. I'm autistic, diagnosed in my late teens and I struggle to relate to other people, I never had the same interests or the same sense of humour as my peers. There came a point, when I was in either year four or year five, when it felt like people were all moving in one direction while I was walking a different path entirely. I felt simultaneously too young and too grown up to relate to kids my own age, and while I was painfully aware of my lack of friends and also a strong desire to make friends, I just couldn't figure out how. Even though your son isn't autistic- although I never like to make that assumption just because it hasn't been mentioned- it might be worth looking into resources and advice aimed at autistic children who are struggling to socialise. I think some of those tips and experiences might be helpful.

What I will say is that even though I felt awkward and ashamed for not being able to make friends as a kid, I now have several close friends who I love with all my heart and who love me in return. I met them though a local LGBT+ youth group in my late teens and since knowing them I've found it a lot easier to make new friends in other environments too. As long as your son knows that he's not alone in his struggles and that there are positive outcomes to look forward to, I think with time and growth he'll be just fine. He sounds like an interesting and friendly kid, and even though he's struggling now, that will give him a good advantage when he does meet the right people.