What do you do when no one wants to be friends with your child?

[Worriedaboutmyson2019]

I'm not sure if this is the right place, but I am desperately worried about DS.

He is in year 5 and is struggling so much with friendships. He is a kind, sociable boy who loves playing with other children. However, in his own words, he is geeky and "uncool". He has no interest in football and Fortnite, which seem to be the current obsession with most of the boys in his class. He is very clumsy and hopeless at any sports. He also finds a lot of the boys in his class silly and he doesn't take a joke well (which means they tease him a bit to get a reaction).

I was worried about low level bullying, but school seem to have sorted this. However, the boys in his class just don't want to be friends with him and he is becoming increasingly isolated. I have spoken to school so many times, but I don't think they really know what to do. To be honest, I am not sure what they can do. How can you make children be friends if they just don't want to?

I am so sad for him because he would love to have a great bunch of friends. I am also terrified about what the future holds as I fear he may be at risk of bullying at high school.

One option might be to move schools in the hope that he can find a group of friends he has something in common with, but then there is the risk that we just have a lot of disruption only to end up in exactly the same position.

I have tried encouraging out of school clubs, but that hasn't really been effective.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Did you find a solution?

Id highly recommend scouts. Where we live if you arent into football its difficult (small rural area) so DS goes along, but we found a small local scouting troup and he has flourished there. Plenty of outdoor activity without focusing on sport and one they have some form of buddy system to ensure no-one is ever left out.

Minecraft is still massive in DS2's new friendship group (year 7). They all go into the same server and spend hours chasing each other around in the Minecraft world.

Apparently they were discussing in form last week, and the children who are best at computing play Minecraft and not Fortnite. They look down on the Fortnite players as having no imagination. Form tutor found it fascinating, apparently.

The history thing is interesting too. Definitely encourage that! He'd fit right in with my two - DS1 was history mad at that age, now it's all political stuff.

I reckon he'll be fine at secondary, but year 5 is such a tricky time for boys. They do seem to settle a bit by year 6.

He's maybe a little young, but are there any museums, charitable trusts etc that he could get involved in as part of their 'junior' group of volunteers? Rather than a traditional activity as such. Our local heritage railway has a very active junior volunteer group (some 50+) and they get involved in all sorts from painting fences to selling tickets on trains.

If he likes piano, do you have a local music school? Some do a music technology class which he might enjoy? You're not in Herts are you?

Have you tried Cubs/Scouts? I was a Cub Leader for years & we tended to attract youngsters who weren’t so interested in football & were more open to trying a wide range of activities?

^^ my middle son didn't enjoy football or most sporting activities, he didn't make friends easily or have much confidence.
He joined cubs now a scout 3 years later he is a different boy has so many friends who enjoy the same as him.

Sorry cross posted re cubs

Speak to the Cub Leaders - they might be able to help ‘facilitate’ friendships by putting him with a similar child for activities. Or why not move him to another cub group where he might make new friends. Use the excuse to school mates that the other cub group meeting day works better.

I found that once my son Got to year 6, all the friendship groups changed. They were mature enough to work out who they actually wanted to be friends with rather than being friends with who was the best at football. Good luck

Kids are horrible @this age. All into stereotypes and not an ounce of empathy. It will be better in secondary school

Have you considered/got time for a second instrument, if you go for something like the violin there are some incredible youth orchestral groups around.

He sounds just like me, I'm in my mid 30s now and nothing has changed. I have my husband and a couple of friends, but have always struggled to make friends. Have you heard of Dyspraxia? It may be worth discussing with your GP or school nurse.

I am dyspraxic and it most obviously causes problems with balance, coordination, motor skills, sports and handwriting, but can also be associated with difficulty with social skills, organisation and planning.

How about Red Cross or St John Ambulance youth group?

Clubs and activities, plenty of hobbies and things to do, lots of acceptance and reassurance within the family and hugs if he wants them. Stop worrying about ‘friends’, people will turn up or they won’t, life can still be amazing.

DS was very much the same at that age - he'd known 90% of his class since they were 2yr and they all just about knew everything good and bad about each other. It had got stale.

Roll on a couple of years, now at Secondary Yr8 and is loving it. No one else from his primary went there even though it was very scary at the time he made a complete fresh start.

Has several close friends, a wide circle of mates and as he puts it, he now "has a social life" smile

even.

I have wondered about dyspraxia as he is very clumsy and until recently had terrible handwriting (although much improved in the last few months). He was also late-ish to walk (16 months). However he learned to ride a bike and to tie his shoelaces easily which made me thing it was less likely.

I think he will find his people at high school. The mix of kids is so much bigger and diverse, he will naturally graviate towards those with similar interests.

For now, sign him up for after school/weekend activities doing anything that he has a passing interest in.
He will be fine, honestly.

Our ds was the same in year5, we stuck it out at school and in year 6 things got easier and he found friendships a bit better. Now in year 7 he still does not have loads of friends but enough. He has joined a club with a big age range which has helped a lot and he plays a sport he enjoys. It is not easy at all but keep encouraging and look at things he may enjoy.

Pen pal? Uk /abroad?
My dd is in contact with a mners dd who had few friends via Instagram -

For a geeky child who likes the piano, either a second instrument (orchestral or band - whatever you have locally) or a choir (our local church has a robed choir which is full of kids like him, mostly non-Christian!) would be the things I’d try.

Haven't read the whole thread, but organise some playdates, if you haven't already. Might help if the other kids see him out of context (out of school), and he may be more confident on home territory.

I am looking into the youth archaeology club. I never knew it existed but that's a fab idea.

He might be interested in a second instrument. He is taking grade 1 piano in a few weeks, but when that is done, I might suggest it to him.

Thanks for all you kindness and support - it really helps.

It will get better. In the meantime make home a sanctuary.

Secondary school should be a lot better. There’s a much bigger pool of DC and there will be some who your DS clicks with. He does sound a little dyspraxic, it can involve organisational difficulties and a few social skills problems as well as motor skills. Perhaps a different cub pack (leading to Scouts soon) to give him a few new friends? One whose DC will probably go to his secondary school?

English Heritage are fab! Definitely look into their membership.

Like others have said, Primary School is such a small mix. I wouldn't worry too much, at Secondary School I'm sure he'll find his people.