My brother had rang hmrc on his ex

[bhbb]

I've nc and this is going to be long but I don't want to drip feed.

My brother met his ex in 2012. For the first year she was great. We got along really well.

DB already had a dd from a previous relationship. She had no kids. She got on ok with dd (my niece). I hoped their relationship would grow as I knew the ex hadn't been around kids before.

Fast forward to a year later, she's pregnant. They have a son. The ex isn't happy where she and db live and she wants to be closer to her parents. Db agrees even though he is moving 45 mins away from his daughter.

At this time, db comes into some money. She insists all the money is spent on new things for the house. Db lives in the house for a total of 2 months and she kicks him out. All the bills are also in dbs name. He also took a couple of things out on finance for the house.

Db comes and stays at mine. He tells me everything that's gone on.

• The ex through things at Db in front of my niece. My niece got so scared she ran out of the house and Db had to chase her. This was when she was pregnant and she blamed her hormones. She through a pan of water over his head. My niece has spoken to me about these incidents since and confirmed they were true. She was scared stiff of the ex. I had no idea. My poor niece.

• she trapped his arm in the door when he was trying to say bye to his son. He took photos of his arm and it was badly bruised.

• db found messages on the ex's phone to a friend slagging off his daughter (she was only 9 here). The messages were disgusting. Saying how she wished she could ship dd away or get her kidnapped.

• she has also been messaging other men behind his back.

Db carried on staying at mine. The ex completely blocked him on everything and she refused to let db see his son.

Eventually contact resumed. The ex worked part time claiming single parent benefits. But also started working in a pub cash in hand 4 nights a week. From 4pm to midnight she would get £100 cash.

Db met someone else, she really is lovely and I'm happy to say they are married now with an baby of their own. Never seen him happier and more settled. His wife accepts dbs children as her own and they are a lovely family.

Db sees his soon regularly and has always paid maintenance and extra. PLUS the finance for the house he hardly lived in.

Things between Db and the ex have got bad over the last few months.

She ended one relationship and moved straight onto the next. This was 4 months ago. He has now moved in permanently. His kids have been introduced to ds. Db has massive concerns. Ds (my nephew) is struggling. His behaviour is terrible and he is getting in trouble at school. He is one mixed up little boy.

Db bends over backwards for ds. The ex is constantly changing drop off and collection times. Everything she asks for, db just does it. It winds me up! She takes advantage of him and his wife.

Db and his wife even cancelled a new year trip to London because the ex decided she no longer wanted ds for new year and was going to leave him at someone's house she hardly knew so she could go out! Ds is passed from person to person while in her care.

A couple of weeks ago, she sent a message to db saying she was reducing contact and he would no longer be coming for half of the time he usually does. This is not good for my nephew!! He needs his daddy. Now more than ever.

So Db went straight to a mediator and has his first appointment next week. I'm glad he is finally doing something as ds would be much better off with my db.

Anyway last night he received a horrible message from the ex slagging off his wife and baby. He saw red and this morning has rang the benefit fraud number and had told them what she's been doing for the last 4 years. She is refusing to pay for mediation also.

Me and db are very close. He came to mine in tears. He feels guilty about what he's done and what affect it might have on ds. But the ex is really pushing his buttons. I should point out here that the ex has never struggled financially. She went on 2 holidays abroad last year. Lives in a lovely house. Just got a brand new car. She's well and truly taken advantage of the benefit system. Db would have never of done it if she was struggling.

I'm sorry this is long but I don't know what to say to db. He's a mess. His wife is supporting him but she advised him not to ring hmrc - he's done it anyway.

So that it. Should he feel bad? I don't know. I just hate seeing him this way. All just such a mess. Im babysitting my niece and nephew tonight so they can go and have sometime together and to take his mind off things.

Mediation isn’t recommended where domestic abuse has taken place so he’s best off seeing a solicitor and preparing to go straight to court.

I’m glad he’s in a happy healthy relationship with a lovely woman and pretty sickened by some of the victim blaming on this thread. I couldn’t give a shit about the violent ex’s side of the story, as I couldn’t when a woman talks about what she’s been through at the hands of an abusive ex. That’s a disgusting approach to take. Given how much people on here worry about step children being cosseted so much I’m amazed they’re not more concerned that a poor 9 year old little girl was witness to such horribleness. Baffling.

He’s made the call now, it’ll run its course and he’s got much bigger fish to fry in protecting his very young son from his horrendous mother.

So she is trying to make a living, and support herself while rich tax cheats like Rees Mogg and Andrea Leadsom can avoid tax and lie to the general public. It's about time we started to look at who the real tax cheats are. As to the rest, it's up to the courts to decide.

Sounds to me like he needs to go for full custody. The ex doesnt sound like she is providing a stable environment at all and the poor kid is now acting up at school etc.

Please tell your DB not to worry, he's done the right thing reporting her even if it was done from a place of hurt.

If she is as awful as you've painted I'm sure someone else would already have reported her anyway and she's already refused mediation so its going to court anyway so reporting her will have no impact on what is happened with his DS.

A lot of pub work is cash in hand, no pay slips and you’re obviously not on their books. I worked in a couple of pubs similar to this a few years ago as a student anyway.

If she’s earning £100 PW I don’t think it will count with regards to benefits anyway. There’s a threshold, I think you can work up to 16 hours and still qualify for full benefits but I may be wrong. I don’t blame him for reporting her if I misread and it’s more than that though. The only thing I worry about is whether she’ll know it’s him and take it out on DS by refusing contact. Your DB really needs to contact a solicitor ASAP and get court ordered contact in place.

Your tale is very one sided OP. It’s one of those stories where I would love to hear the exes side of things because your DB is very much painted as a perfect human (with three kids to three women but never mind that one...)

I don’t see an issue with him reporting her as what she is doing is wrong.

Your post as a lot of detail and is quite outing if the ex come across it or it gets picked up by the media. I don’t think it will do your brother any favours if she finds out it was him that reported her. I would ask for this post to be removed.

She was abusive and brought this all on herself.

outpinked op is claiming she’s making £100 a night.

I’ve worked in a lot of dodgy cash in hand type pubs and I can honestly say they are the last type of establishment that would pay anything like min wage let alone £12.50 a fecking hour.

Someone is telling lies. Who and how many, I do not know.

Leaving the abuse aside for a moment, she is the one who is stealing and committing fraud. I would have reported her too and not even in anger.

Tell him not to worry about it. What is done is done and she deserves the karma.

The more important issue is DS who is suffering. Your DB needs to go for full custody of DS so he is in a stable loving home.

I may get shot down here but having been the ex in this situation and been supported by others in that situation on forums like these there are too many men and women who claim dv to get out of paying court costs (cafcass speaking here not me) If mediation as been offered and you brother has not contacted the police then cafcass or the courts will not take this into account. Your brothers first call should have been to the police not HMRC. I would be very interested to see his ex side of the story here. Unfortunately it's not as simple as going to a solicitor and 'getting custody'. The family courts are very stressful and expensive and aside from the dv which you brother did not report the only thing she has done is worked cash in hand which granted is wrong but I don't see how this makes her an unfit parent. It won't do your brother any favours mentioning this as it will sound very petty. Your brother has 3 kids by 3 different women but he's complaining about boyfriends which she is entitled to have and although your bother doesn't like it it's her right to have relationships with anyone she wants within reasons as long as the child is not been harmed. I don't see it as unreasonable that she would want to move house and no one forced your brother to move. Most people don't stop contact for no reason. I know you want to support your brother but I think it will be best to stay out of the situation as it seems messy enough already and it's not even be entered at court yet.

You don’t see how attacking your partner in front of their child makes someone a bad parent? Really?

Is it because the victim has a penis by any chance?

I would be very interested to see his ex side of the story here.

I’ve never, ever seen anyone say that to a women victim on here. What a load of old bollocks.

No but what I am saying if I was attacked in front of my child I would be straight on the phone to the police. Penis or not if he was genuinely concerned about the safety of his child then he should not have left the child with the ex hence why I would like to hear the ex side of the story

There have been so many posts on here by women who’ve been previously attacked by their partners, including in front of their kids, but haven’t reported it. (In fact it’s very common for victims not to report for various reasons, including fear of the perpetrator, fear of not being believed, trying to protect the perpetrator etc.)

Many still live with their partners or if they’ve left the other parent still sees the kids.

I’ve never once seen anyone say to these women that they’d like to hear their ex’s side of the story. Not once.

I agree that some don't report it but my point is he is ok telling his solicitor and the court she has attacked him so why not tell the police when it happened? Every story has 2 sides. I was accused of this when my husband left and I can categorically say that abuse did not happen and it was a feeble attempt at getting out of court costs and making me out to be a poor parent. We were ordered to go on a separated parenting program which is quite common and almost every woman in there had been accused of violence and abuse. I'm not saying that all of their partners have lied about it but apparently according the cafcass who run the course it is very common. It was only when it got to court stage that the allegations came out. This is why I would like to hear the ex side of the story.

What are "single parent benefits"?

What does "paying child maintenance and extra" mean?

If someone leaves a young child to work 4 nights a week in a pub for just £100, I think that they need the money.

What caused her to "switch" on him? Did he do something or was she just a crazy pregnant lady hell bent on making her son grow up disadvantaged?

How will preventing her earning £100 change or improve this situation?

Now that he has 3 by 3, what steps has your brother put in place to ensure that he doesn't create baby mama no 4?

What caused her to "switch" on him? Did he do something

Absolute victim blaming nonsense. Do you ask women if they did something before their partners hurt them?

Absolute victim blaming nonsense. Do you ask women if they did something before their partners hurt them?

Try reading what I wrote instead of making assumptions. Nobody knows who the victim is here which is why I am asking questions ( questions would also be asked in court or by a solicitor).

I absolutely would ask a woman what lead up to any violence and so would you. It's a common sense question to ask..i.e so what happened before he kicked off/ what triggered the violence. The 'trigger does not justify the violence (that's about the aggressors issues) but we all want to know what their trigger was.

Sometimes you should read before commenting...

Try reading what I wrote instead of making assumptions. Nobody knows who the victim is here which is why I am asking questions ( questions would also be asked in court or by a solicitor).

The victim is the person who was assaulted.

People on here aren’t on trial.

If anyone told me their partner slammed their arm in a door in front of their child, my question would never be “what did you do” which is what you said, not “what happened?” And I wouldn’t say “nobody knows who the victim is here”

I’ve also never seen anyone ask that question to a female victim of domestic abuse on here or cast doubt over who the victim is.

Not everyone is able to leave biases behind and offer support I suppose.

@HeckyPeck Just catching up on this thread and I'm so glad you've been challenging some of the awful comments and victim blaming statements on here. I was reading some of them.

Nobody knows who the victim is as you've only heard one side of the story.

You have no right to accuse anyone of victim blaming as what we have been told is very one sided.

You say that you would not ask the questions that I asked and that's your prerogative. I would ask and for good reason as I've already explained.

Accusing one of the mothers of his children of being on "single parents benefits" is also thinly veiled victimising. Did you notice that one?

What is extra child maintenance for your own child??

Its amazing what some people choose to home in on, on here looking for something to be offended by.

For the record, yes I would ask what happened/ lead to any assault and No it's not victim blaming (pleased to disappoint you)..