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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I make DD 6yrs old continue swimming lessons when she doesn't want to go

104 replies

user1467722214 · 04/03/2019 22:44

Dilemma - MIL told me my DD doesn't want to continue with swimming lessons and only goes because I want her too. MIL really upset me as she made me feel terrible for wanting daughter to do this. She asked me what I am so scared of! I just want DD to be competent, I feel MIL is manipulating her own GD just because the lesson (30mins) encroaches on her time with her GD overnight stay with her. She thinks I should take her and teach her myself every few weeks. I think lessons make DD concentrate better. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Danubia · 05/03/2019 00:42

My rule was compulsory weekly swimming lessons until the end of primary school.

Both my dds moaned about it at the time but now they’re both strong swimmers and are really grateful that I made them stick with it.

Swimming isn’t like brownies or archery or some netball - it’s an essential life skill that could save your daughter’s life some day. She needs at least 3-4 more years of lessons in order to develop correct stroke technique and become the strongest swimmer she can be.

It’s not cruel - it’s for her own good.

Marchitectmummy · 05/03/2019 00:50

Definitely carry on the swimming, it's so important. Fast forward ten years and your daughter wants to go to Ibiza with her friends, how will you feel that she will be messing around in the sea or pool with her friends?

Personally if I stopped swimming at 6 I would be petrified!

AornisHades · 05/03/2019 01:09

Does DH swim well?
I'd ignore your MIL here. It's a crucial and social skill. And despite being a competive swimmer my dc had lessons because they don't take it seriously when I try to teach the basics. When we swim it's fun.
Get her taught properly and add to it with leisure swimming.

Nothinglefttochoose · 05/03/2019 01:25

Yes! Ignore MIL. My 6 year old is shy and if I didn’t make her would never do anything! It’s such a gift to be a confident swimmer.

nolongersurprised · 05/03/2019 01:25

She had only received 10m badge and was excited to continue.

What happens with badges? My Australian children have never received a badge for distances. Do they stop after a few km?

Seniorschoolmum · 05/03/2019 01:55

Another one here who says ignore your MIL and make sure your daughter can swim. Your MIL is being selfish and it’s not her decision.
Quite apart from the fact that it may save ds’s life, in a year or two children in her class will have birthday parties at swimming pools and if your dd can not swim she will be excluded for safety reasons.

humpydumpybumpy · 05/03/2019 02:05

So pleased to see all the responses on here and fully agree, it's a life skill and she should continue until she is a competent swimmer/completes her levels.

My DD also went through a period of time where she didn't want to go (although she was not influenced by anyone) around five years old. We explained to her that it wasn't an option to quit just like school. She is now an incredibly strong swimmer, she raced, played water polo with/against teen boys and is coaching little ones in swimming. It makes me very relieved knowing my DC are competent swimmers. I would definitely want my GC to be strong swimmers as well!

ScotsinOz · 05/03/2019 03:03

She can only swim 10 metres, but obviously not correctly or the teacher would not need to be right with her. This means your daughter needs to continue with her lessons for several more years to be truely competent.

My children swam from 6 months of age and completed the swim program at 7 years and went straight into squad training, where they concentrate on endurance as well as refining their technique in all strokes (freestyle, breaststroke, backstroke and butterfly). The children advanced through the levels based on ability, not age and they didn’t always move up the levels together.

My children can swim miles with proper technique, however if I was to remove them from squad lessons now they would lose this ability before they were ten (they are currently eight), so they know it’s important to continue on until they are at least 13 or 14, to ensure this skill remains lifelong.

They have periods of loving swimming and wanting to do extra sessions and periods of not wanting to go, but overall they really enjoy it and love challenging each other in sprints (who is faster) and distance (to see who gets furtherest fastest).

If your MIL does not like taking your daughter, change the lessons to a day when you can.

WinterHeatWave · 05/03/2019 03:29

10m??? She needs to keep going.
My rule was 100m each of frontcrawl, backstroke and breast stroke.

Poppins2016 · 05/03/2019 03:36

I'm wondering whether your MIL has put your DD in an awkward position by saying something along the lines of "you could have more time with me if you didn't go swimming, would you like that?".

curtaintrail · 05/03/2019 03:45

In my dd's class, there are often pool birthday parties at the local leisure centre. And the 8 yr old kids need to be able to swim. Tell MIL that she needs instructing from someone qualified - and that apart from it being a life skill, you don't want her to miss out

expat101 · 05/03/2019 04:04

You def. need to have a chat to your Daughter and ask her where Granny might have got the idea from. My (adult) Daughter loves to swim but cannot in chlorinated water, even at Uni her skin used to feel like it was burning after showering, whereas at home we pump fresh water into the house so it has no additives and her skin feels fine. Just discount the normal sort of stuff like a mean teacher or fellow student.

Lollypop701 · 05/03/2019 04:14

Of course dd is telling nanny she’d prefer to spend time with her, she loves her! Doesn’t mean she should stop learning to swim!

Purpleartichoke · 05/03/2019 04:28

We made dd stay in weekly swimming lessons for 3 years. That is how long it took her to master being able to swim across a small pool. She has some issues so it was a challenge. She hated it, but learning to swim is a safety issue and not being able to swim was holding her back from many social opportunities. We did change facilities at one point to get better instruction and we did go out of our way to get Dd to the lessons taught by her favorite instructor even when they were at inconvenient times. We were also not above rewarding participation. We also took her ourselves, but she needed formal instruction.

ScarletBitch · 05/03/2019 04:42

If your DD is getting anxious and upset then I would not stop them until she is older. My 7 year old has swimming at school and every week carry's on because of the fear of the water. I would personally ask your DD and do what she feels happy with, what goes on between you and MIL is irrelevant.

ScarletBitch · 05/03/2019 04:47

@Purpleartichoke my son is the same. He has a fear of water and unable to float because he is terrified of going under. This then causes him to panic, and every week he cry's the night before school worrying over it. The teacher and I have both spoken to him about how important swimming is, but I think it's going to take a long time before he gets his confidence up to enjoy it. If it was not part of his school day I perhaps would of left it until he is older but I recognise it may well save his life. Poor kid.

isabellerossignol · 05/03/2019 04:53

I feel like I'm in a parallel universe on Mumsnet when it comes to swimming. My 12 year old went to lessons for years and can only swim about ten metres. My younger child has also been going to lessons for years and is just about capable of ten metres.

I don't know very many children who can swim length after length, and I know very few adults who swim at all.

I'm not against learning to swim, I think it's a very good idea, but I don't feel like it's the vital life skill that most people do. Learning not to panic in water, and learning to stay afloat, is a vital life skill, but I don't think that the ability to swim over a longer distance or with the correct stroke is going to save your life. After all, young adult males who can swim are a particularly high risk group for drowning.

Thatsnotmyotter · 05/03/2019 05:00

Baby DS is in lessons now and won’t be allowed to stop until he is a strong swimmer. We live near the coast and as far as I’m concerned, swimmining is not optional.

k1233 · 05/03/2019 05:00

I don't think it's necessary to go for a long time, but i think the ability to do 200m is a good goal post. I remember lessons as a kid and swimming at school, but not years of lessons. I'm a confident swimmer, possibly because we had a small pool as kids and a huge dam that I swam in when older.

If she can't capably do 10m unassisted, she's at risk of drowning pure and simple. Excellent swimming and being on swim squads still doesn't stop kids from drowning (two local children drowned not so long ago and they were very strong swimmers by all accounts) but they at least have a better chance.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/03/2019 05:04

I say this as someone who hated swimming lessons at that age, I am so glad my parents didn't cave in to my whining about it. I am a strong and confident swimmer now and love it. I find the idea of being in or near a body of water and being unable to swim or stay afloat utterly terrifying. Whether or not your MIL continues to be the one who takes her, I would say your DS should continue her lessons at least until she's a good enough swimmer.

Hellywelly10 · 05/03/2019 05:10

I think you or your husband need to take dd to see whats going on.

confusednorthner · 05/03/2019 05:41

It was non negotiable in our house! All other activities are up to kids but swimming wasn't until they could do a reasonable distance. They both now swim with club and agree that all children should learn as in my 10yr old ds words it might save you one day.
I take yr1/2 swimming and I'm amazed how many have no experience at all, we've kids who've never been in a pool and are terrified which always shocks me.
If your dh thinks she should stop I'm wondering if he can swim well either....

Monty27 · 05/03/2019 05:48

Tell mil that DD will be swimming at lessons and if mil can't fit around that then tough shit.

bellinisurge · 05/03/2019 06:20

Leave to one side silly dramas caused by MIL.
Swimming is a vital skill BUT there has to be more than one way to crack this nut.
I have MS and, realistically, swimming is the only sport I can do with my dd fo one reason and another. I was desperate for her to learn to swim and she started to hate lessons. We tried lots of different options but I could tell that each one wasn't working after a bit and made her miserable and hate swimming. So I stopped them. Paused and went back to it. Her school started doing them and, to help her with lessons there, I would take her the weekend before each one and we would slowly go through together what she had learned in the last one to reinforce it and , through gritted teeth sometimes, try to actually have fun. She is not a strong swimmer now. But she can swim. She understands about floating to save herself. She even enjoys it a bit if not rushed or forced. She got to this stage later than her classmates but she is there. She does not hate swimming and, to my mind, that's a victory. If I had continued to drag her to lessons against her will, she would have learned to dislike it strongly and it would have put a downer on our precious weekends together.
Everyone is different. Put the MIL drama to one side, talk to your child about it and keep plugging away at what works for you.

Thelieswetelltoourselves · 05/03/2019 06:31

Sounds like the overnight visits need to be scaled back. She's manuiplating the situation for her own gain.

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