Pil

[Littletreasure2017]

Aibu to not want to go to mil every occasion? Birthdays Xmas Easter etc
I have a lo and would like to make my own traditions and not have to go to theirs each time? I want to be able to say no without being made to feel like I'm being a cow by wanting to do my own thing with my partner and baby? Does anyone else have this problem too? Xx

Bearing in mind I've done it for the past 6 years and would like to do for my own family now xx

No I didn’t because I chose what I wanted to do tbh. Although it did include extended family time, I also chose to go later/go early to have both. What about time with your extended family?

YANBU. We do Xmas in turns. DC's birthdays always at ours. Easter could be either (more likely to go to theirs).

Thankyou for your replies, my mil expects us at hers when it's occasions ive had such a strained relationship with mil and don't want to go every bloody time, I want to do my own traditions without feeling bad!! Xx

Well don't go then! Tell her it's your turn to host. (She probably won't want to come anyway).

It's difficult without her taking offensive or being funny about it, if I say no she keeps on xx

We tend to go to whoever’s celebration it is for birthdays or meet somewhere in the middle.
For Christmas, I made it clear from the off that we would decide each year what we’re doing and no set routine.
That said, no one makes demands in my family but people can always express a preference.

Let her take offence. Have your own traditions. She'll get over it. She has her traditions, so why can't you have yours?

Hi OP, it took a while for me but you have to learn to just say what your plan is (staying home) and just completely ignore any strop from her.

If she says she wants you there just respond "thank you for the invite but we have decided to do Easter at home this year". It really is okay just to leave it at that.

It's sooooo liberating in the long run.

You just need to let her have her strop and not give in like a tantrumming toddler. Is DH on the same page as you?

Let her take offence and throw a tantrum if she must. Why should you revolve your life around her.

You definitely aren’t alone in this. I’ve had issues from the moment our first child was born, they seemed to assume that all major holidays and birthdays would be spent at their house celebrating with them. Our daughter’s first Christmas I basically put my foot down as I wanted to be clear from the outset, so I said we’ll be spending our christmases at home. They live very close (10min drive) but host extended family so they will always have Christmas at their house and can’t leave their “guests”. Mil threw a wobbler crying etc that first Christmas when she realised we’d be doing our own thing and not what she had planned. Birthdays are the same, we get calls and messages on our children’s bdays demanding we go round, it puts such a dampener on the day when they won’t leave us alone hounding us.

I’m getting better at just saying this is what our plans are... thanks bye. It seems to help too if my husband also messages so they don’t think it’s all the wicked dil’s idea!

As someone with older children and having been through this I’d definitely advise you to start doing your own thing, even if just occasionally otherwise you’re creating an even bigger problem for the future.

It’s only in the last few years that we’ve finally managed to break out of the cycle and we now actually spend certain days with people we choose to be with as opposed to those we feel we should!

For the last c3years we’ve spent Easter Sunday and Boxing Day with our group of friends and they’re the days we look forward to the most! Christmas Day is now alternated with my siblings and I taking it in turns to host (we stopped alternating with the in laws when we hosted them for the 8th+ Christmas without receiving an invite back and yet again they turned up empty handed and sat around all day expecting to be waited on 🙄)

Get in there early by starting to drop comments about how this year you’re planning to spend Christmas at home so that you can all relax and create some new traditions. If you want to, and have the room, tell the IL’s etc that they’re welcome to come (or specify a visiting time if you don’t want to spend the whole day with them!) but that you won’t be going anywhere.

Then if they start asking or making other plans, you can remind them of your intention this year to stay at home. You can always go to theirs alternately in future but at least you’ll have broken the cycle and the expectation 👍🏻

Do you have your husband on side?

Yanbu OP. Just let it slip into the conversation that you’ll be doing “such a thing” this Easter. Don’t make s fuss or be stroppy, bright and breezy is the way to go.

She can’t expect her grown up dc to visit every Christmas/Easter etc they have their own life too.

What does your husband want to do?

It's difficult without her taking offensive or being funny about it, if I say no she keeps on

Then you let her go on and on about it. The longer you leave it, the worse it will get.

Partner says he wants to do our own tradition etc but doesn't like to say no to her so it's difficult, she can be quite funny if she doesn't get her own way and i have been treated differently by her because of it!! Xx

It's is only difficult if you keep capitulating.

Book someone, invite a few people to yours and then you can't cancel.