AIBU To not know what to do about this anymore?

[ShadyLady53]

I posted before about this situation;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3416523--What-s-your-address

Basically, I man that I met via volunteering had started making a nuisance of himself via text and email and had asked for my address for no good reason. I was under the impression he may be interested in me but he never directly asked me out so I couldn't turn him down. I had given him clear messages that I didn't want to meet up. I was starting to feel uncomfortable but he hasn't done anything terrible or illegal. To make matters worse, we have mutual friends. I chickened out of doing a gig for these friends and the charity to avoid seeing this man again. Back in early November I sent him one final message saying I didn't want mail from him and I would not give my address. I have ignored all contact from him since and sadly, stopped meeting up with our mutual friends.

Since then he has emailed at least once a month and text several times. He sends long messages as if he thinks we are still having a conversation. I haven't seen him since September but he's still going on about things from then. For example, I mentioned someone I found inspiring back then, to everyone in the room, not just then and at Christmas he sent me a long email review of his opinions of a film of their's that he watched and he's just emailed now saying I've inspired him to go and see a play this weekend.

He sent texts last month about an event thats happening in the summer talking as if we were going. The first one was a long text with him telling me about the event, then 20 minutes later talking as if I'd accepted to go and telling me about the facilities at the place the event was being held, again a long text. I blocked his number from my phone but can't stop the emails. He'd also sent me a message when I'd been ill saying "Hi Shady, hope you're feeling better now" and this really freaked me out because there was no way of him knowing I'd been sick. I'm not on social media and, as I say, have been avoiding our mutual friends. He works in IT and had previously sent me some art work that needed to be downloaded and I started to panic that he'd installed spyware on my devices. My iPhone was playing up (freezing, turning itself on and off) so I did a factory re-set and I've had no problems since. His most recent email included something to download (a poster for an event he wants me to go to), which obviously I haven't clicked on.

He's never made any reference to the fact that I've ignored any contact from him for the past four months. He continues to talk as though I'm in his life and has just sent an apology that he hasn't asked me to be involved in a charity event he's organised and said it's because he knows how hectic and busy my life is?! I just find it all so weird and don't know how to handle it. It's like he's got some sort of imaginary relationships with me in his head. I know for a fact that he is completely neurotypical and I've known him several years. It's only since the summer that he has been behaving like this.

I don't know what to do about one mutual friend in particular. I really like her but she thinks the world of him and frequently arranges for us all to meet up. I never want to see this man again and I don't want him to know anything about my life. So far, I've kept making excuses over why I haven't been able to meet up because I don't want to put her in an awkward position or create and atmosphere and I don't think she'll understand why I feel uncomfortable. It's got to the point where I'm on the verge of ghosting her.

I've spoken about it all tonight with a friend that is like my sister, we are exceptionally close but she doesn't know him and she just kept saying "awww bless him, he lurrrrves you" and "Ah he sounds harmless, he's just lonely and needs some company". If that's her response, then what chance do I have with my friend who thinks the world of this man?

AIBU to think I can't really do anything about this situation? I've just got to cut my losses and accept I've lost a lovely friend?

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Having read more of the thread I think you should go to the police even just for advice.

Don’t mean to be dramatic but I watch a lot of the real life crime shows and this is obsessive behaviour that could turn especially if you were to find a new partner.

He isn’t listening to you, he is making out you are together and you feel worried that’s enough for a chat with someone who can advise you.

Please take this seriously and speak to your other friend!

@StevieHuckle the panic brigade like the current police officer who said to report it? OP has asked him not to contact her, he persists, maybe he will listen to the police, it's harassment.

O god op I can relate to the sympathy to the stalker comment. I had one who has confided in others that he was worried he was going to do something to me.....yet still got comments such as ‘it’s a compliment really’! This from other women. I think women can be trained to see excessive attention as romantic!! Movies and tv do this.
It’s shit.
Yanbu to feel scared, vulnerable and want it to stop.

@StevieHuckle

Your post is concerning. Even a police officer has told her to report. Why would you minimise this?

He's a cunt OP. He's bullying you and intimidating you and he knows what he is doing and knows that you have blocked his number as he will have tried to phone you.

Report it to the police and tell everyone in your social circle what he has done. Speak to your friend first and tell her. If she doesn't support you she isn't a friend and you need to break contact with her to protect yourself.

His name isn't Stevie by any chance??

Heed the advice of the police officer.

He is in your headspace, this is stalking. If you lose your friend too, shame, but so be it for peace of mind.

You sound like a nice person, but time for the niceness to stop.

Detective who works in safeguarding here and deals with harassment offences. Go to the police. Now. They will (or should!) take this very seriously. Please, please report this to them. It is very worrying behaviour.

It’s bullshit like @StevieHuckle that puts women in danger.

Please listen to us, the victims of stalking, and all the police officers who have comment on this thread, and report it. He may just stop (which I hugely doubt) but if he doesn’t they already have you speaking to them about it on file.

Please please please speak to the police. If not for you, for a man who might be unwell. When my stalker was sectioned he escaped from a secure unit. He was then found by the police because he called his mum and she told them where he said he would meet her. Because he was hugely unwell and all of this meant he got the help he needed.

If you won’t do it for you and potentially your safety, do it for what could be his.

Thanks, I’m going to seek advice from the National Stalking Helpline who helped me liase with the police and compile a statement with the stalker a few years back.

He’s definitely not psychotic and doesn’t need sectioning. I’ve got it on very good authority that he’s managing absolutely fine at work this week (teaching IT in a secondary school) and has showed no signs whatsoever of mental illness in the last few months. In fact, he’s been appearing more confident and happy than ever. I asked his colleague what they meant by this, as elation can be a worrying sign too (my parents are psychiatrists and I know all the signs to watch out for) and he just said that it wasn’t an inappropriate energy and that he just seemed really settled and at ease than in the past when he came across as quite quiet and depressive at times (I agree with that appraisal of him). He doesn’t know I know his colleague and colleague is not saying anything to him.

He was really surprised to hear about this behaviour and said that he seems like a nice normal quiet guy but he’d always got the impression that he was asexual. Oddly, I totally understood what he meant by that.

Anyway, thanks for the advice everyone. I am taking steps to sort it. Still haven’t decided what to do about the close friend but will make a decision this weekend.

I won’t be posting for a while as I’m taking a break from using the internet for leisure purposes for Lent so forgive me if I don’t update after tonight.

Ex member of my DPs family has grand delusions and beliefs that they are in a relationship with someone famous. Very troubled person. Who comes across very normal, and works in teaching.

Whats on the inside doesnt necessarily show on the outside.

ALWAYS trust your instincts on things like this and don't give people the benefit of the doubt so as not to seem "rude". (I speak from experience)
Your friends sound very unsupportive, I agree with other posters that you should report to the police and try and keep things he sends you. If something more serious should happen, it will all be on record and you won't have to explain the whole backstory or try to remember things.
Have you shown your friends the messages he's sending? I can't believe they are treating this so lightly.

I think he is feeling like that as he has imagined your his girlfriend! So is living it out in his head.

Am glad your seeking advice - he might just be confused but you still need to safeguard yourself.

Good luck

Ok so already breaking my own internet fast but thought I’d update.

I spoke to my friend on the phone as she’d arranged a group outing and this is now the third one I’ve been unable to attend because of him. I gently explained that I wouldn’t be able to come to any group meetings as I didn’t feel comfortable around this man and I gave examples of what was going on.

She completely justified all of his behaviour, said he is someone who does like to keep in contact a lot, he’s a very grateful lovely person who just wanted my address for a thank you card and that she’d never got the impression he was romantically interested in me or in deed anyone. She definitely didn’t agree that he was making a nuisance of himself and couldn’t understand why I felt uncomfortable.

In the end I just said I wanted to remain friends with her but didn’t want to be put in a position to remain in contact with him or to see him and she said that’s fine and she still wants to be friends with me and meet up on our own. She was really nice but completely didn’t get why I was upset.

Anyway at least we can remain friends!

Anyway at least we can remain friends!

Um, no.

You are now superficial acquaintances, as you cannot trust this idiot with any personal information.

She doesn't understand what he's been doing and minimizes what he's done and her role in his behaviour.

This person will absolutely feed back information about you to creepy guy. Sorry

No, this minimising is not right. Please, report this to the charity and report him to the police for harassment. For your safety, but also that of others.

This man is a teacher of children with access to IT. You already have concerns about him potentially having had access to your phone - it sounds like that's not out of his capabilites.

I'd be concerned that this sort of thing were going unreported, only for it to transpire later that it's part of a pattern of behaviour he has with women in general, and he goes on to harass and stalk others. Especially when he is a teacher, so a person in a position of trust.

I agree that your friend is very likely to give your stalker information about you when he asks, as she thinks he is so wonderful etc.
I do hope that you told her you don't want any information at all about you passed to him under any circumstances. Can she promise you that?
And yes, it really should be reported so the police have a record of this man in case he also targets other women. You're not happy about his behaviour - imagine how you'd feel if you worked with him!
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I agree with the others.

I would report this to the police and ask for some support on the matter. They should have come contacts for you.

I'd also let the charity know as well.

It may be harmless but it may not. He clearly has social issues and is not respecting your wishes.

I would also explain what has happened and how it is impacting you emotionally as well as socially and send this to your friends asking if you can talk to them after they have read it.

Thanks for the replies. Firstly, my friend is in charge of the charity so she is aware. I didn’t leave because of him, I left almost two years ago because I lived in a different city and was too busy to help. I visited there for a special event last summer and that’s when this pattern with him emerged. I’ve known him almost 5 years.

He’s never had a girlfriend, ever, and he’s 36.

I don’t think I can trust this friend not to give him information. She just kept saying “but he sends a lot of emails, that’s just how he is”, “he just wanted to thank you and know how grateful he is”, “he’s NEVER given me the impression he’s interested in you or anyone else for that matter”. But then she said “we do talk about you because he asks how you’re doing and what you are up to but he knows you are busy and I keep telling him that too”...so he has shown interest in me then if he’s asking every time he sees her?! And she admitted that it was her that told him I’d been ill. When I told her that I found it bizarre that he’d sent me a review of film she said “yes, because you’d said you liked that actor!” and said she didn’t see what was wrong with that or him wanting my address.

I said I didn’t want this information that I’d told her to affect my relationship with her and I also didn’t want it to affect her friendship with him either and she said “I wouldn’t let it affect my relationship with him” in quite a cheeky way but then said she understood that I didn’t want to be put in a position to have to socialise with him or be in contact with him at all. I made it really clear that I didn’t feel good about this situation at all, I didn’t like the intensity of it and found it quite bizarre given that he was her friend not mine and that he’s continuing to contact me despite me ignoring him for months. She asked if she could say “Don’t email Shady she’s snowed under as it is” and I said no because that’s not why I don’t want him to contact me and I asked her not to refer to me at all.

I’ve had time to sleep on it and I think I’ve got to accept that the friendship is over. I didn’t want that to happen but it’s not really my fault. She’s always going to excuse his behaviour and potentially put me at risk and I’m not ok with that at all.

It's sad Shady but I think you are definitely doing the right thing with your friend - she's too close to him and likes him so she can't see that he's doing anything wrong at all.
Better to be safe than sorry. And no, it's not your fault at all.