AIBU To not know what to do about this anymore?

[ShadyLady53]

I posted before about this situation;

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3416523--What-s-your-address

Basically, I man that I met via volunteering had started making a nuisance of himself via text and email and had asked for my address for no good reason. I was under the impression he may be interested in me but he never directly asked me out so I couldn't turn him down. I had given him clear messages that I didn't want to meet up. I was starting to feel uncomfortable but he hasn't done anything terrible or illegal. To make matters worse, we have mutual friends. I chickened out of doing a gig for these friends and the charity to avoid seeing this man again. Back in early November I sent him one final message saying I didn't want mail from him and I would not give my address. I have ignored all contact from him since and sadly, stopped meeting up with our mutual friends.

Since then he has emailed at least once a month and text several times. He sends long messages as if he thinks we are still having a conversation. I haven't seen him since September but he's still going on about things from then. For example, I mentioned someone I found inspiring back then, to everyone in the room, not just then and at Christmas he sent me a long email review of his opinions of a film of their's that he watched and he's just emailed now saying I've inspired him to go and see a play this weekend.

He sent texts last month about an event thats happening in the summer talking as if we were going. The first one was a long text with him telling me about the event, then 20 minutes later talking as if I'd accepted to go and telling me about the facilities at the place the event was being held, again a long text. I blocked his number from my phone but can't stop the emails. He'd also sent me a message when I'd been ill saying "Hi Shady, hope you're feeling better now" and this really freaked me out because there was no way of him knowing I'd been sick. I'm not on social media and, as I say, have been avoiding our mutual friends. He works in IT and had previously sent me some art work that needed to be downloaded and I started to panic that he'd installed spyware on my devices. My iPhone was playing up (freezing, turning itself on and off) so I did a factory re-set and I've had no problems since. His most recent email included something to download (a poster for an event he wants me to go to), which obviously I haven't clicked on.

He's never made any reference to the fact that I've ignored any contact from him for the past four months. He continues to talk as though I'm in his life and has just sent an apology that he hasn't asked me to be involved in a charity event he's organised and said it's because he knows how hectic and busy my life is?! I just find it all so weird and don't know how to handle it. It's like he's got some sort of imaginary relationships with me in his head. I know for a fact that he is completely neurotypical and I've known him several years. It's only since the summer that he has been behaving like this.

I don't know what to do about one mutual friend in particular. I really like her but she thinks the world of him and frequently arranges for us all to meet up. I never want to see this man again and I don't want him to know anything about my life. So far, I've kept making excuses over why I haven't been able to meet up because I don't want to put her in an awkward position or create and atmosphere and I don't think she'll understand why I feel uncomfortable. It's got to the point where I'm on the verge of ghosting her.

I've spoken about it all tonight with a friend that is like my sister, we are exceptionally close but she doesn't know him and she just kept saying "awww bless him, he lurrrrves you" and "Ah he sounds harmless, he's just lonely and needs some company". If that's her response, then what chance do I have with my friend who thinks the world of this man?

AIBU to think I can't really do anything about this situation? I've just got to cut my losses and accept I've lost a lovely friend?

Thanks @Drum2018 I can't block them with my provider. I can mark his address as spam though and it would go to junk mail.

The messages themselves are friendly and there’s nothing inherently wrong with them - except you’ve told him not to send messages to you yet he is still doing it which is making you feel uncomfortable and miserable.

I wouldn’t send a last message to him to tell him to stop as you’ve already asked him to stop . Any contact from you might be seen as an opportunity to start up a dialogue.

Your friends shouldn’t be minimising this. His messages are unwanted and they should be supporting you in helping you to put a stop to this not saying what a sound guy he is. He isn’t sound he’s weird at best and a stalker at worst.

OP this must be horrible for you - sorry you are going through this. I don't have a lot to add except that I'm not sure that blocking/deleting emails is the right thing to do as you may need them to prove a pattern of behaviour.

Tell your friend, OP, and don't beat around the bush either. If she gets it, fine, if not, you've lost her as a friend anyway. I had a stalker who started off with unsolicited nice friendly messages, telling me about his daily life, movie reviews then moved on to filthy emails and eventually he sent people invitations to our wedding. He was sectioned. It lasted for more than 10 years.

paladinservice.co.uk/advice-for-victims/
Good advice and info here, and there is a helpline so you could discuss how to go about reporting this.
Once you have asked a person to stop contacting you they should do so I would consider his behaviour harassment whatever the friend thinks. Be careful what information you share with her.

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought.

He doesn't sound harmless his behaviour sounds delusional.
Ring the national stalking helpline for advice on how they would perceive and deal with the situation. I've put a link to their website below.
www.suzylamplugh.org/Pages/Category/national-stalking-helpline

That is how I'd describe the way I feel about him at the moment, that he seems delusional and that he's not living in a reality based world. His emails and texts come across like a conversation between himself and I've even wondered if he's already told people, i.e his parents and siblings, that we are an item. He seems pretty desperate to see me in person, consistently suggesting things for me to go do, the fact that he wanted my home address and that he always says "hope to see you soon" despite the fact that I've not seen him in over six months, I've never met up with him alone, nor have I given him the impression at all that I want to meet up with him. In fact, prior to me ignoring his emails and texts, I kept turning down opportunities to meet up.

He came across as normal for years. I don't understand what changed!

In the kindest way possible, I think you are not taking this nearly seriously enough. Just because he is stalking you in a different way from your last stalker does not mean this guy isn't stalking you - he is. Honestly I would go to the police about this, and I would probably end the friendship with mutual friend as otherwise you will never be rid of this bloke.

I would probably end the friendship with mutual friend as otherwise you will never be rid of this bloke.

This is what I'm thinking I have to do too.

Re the police, I just feel I'm wasting their time and that it's disproportionate to what he's done. You are right about the other stalker being very different, he followed me home by foot (I was a school girl, he was almost 30), followed me to my places of work, stalked family and a friend, jumped out late at night on me, hand delivered letters to my home, walked past my home for hours on end, joined all my hobbies, would come and watch me in all my kiddie type dance shows when I was at school and it all went on for over 15 years. I had dozens of witnesses. He only got a caution and the police said I had to be careful what I told people or he could say I'd be harassing him and discriminating against him due to his Aspergers. If the police didn't take him seriously, I doubt this will be important to them, it's very small scale in comparison.

One of the reasons for going to the police is because it starts the paper trail, and if things progress and get worse, you are one step ahead. Probably this bloke is just lonely or deluded or whatever, but possibly he has the potential to get dangerous and that's why you take steps now. I would block his email or set up a filter such that his emails go direct to a folder that you don't have to look at (but which you keep for the purpose of having a record). Ask the police about whether your last email to him was clear enough, just in case they think you should send a blunter one. It really sucks - I'm sorry you are having to go through this again

I don't think other people will take this seriously until you do.
I'd do one last email stating these emails are unwelcome and making you uncomfortable and if they continue you will consider them stalking and will therefore contact the police.
Be super clear with your friend, you don't need to diss him but state how it's making you feel.

The police don't always get stalking right but in recent years they have had better training and should have specialist officers that can help you.
You said the previous man who stalked you had aspergers. He probably got a caution because social situations and the appropriate behaviour surrounding them are complex for autistic people and the sad fact is that the police are shit at dealing with adults with additional needs and often get it wrong. I am autistic but I know right from wrong and it infuriates me when adults with additional needs aren't held up to the same standards as the general population it feels condescending and discriminatory. Had I been you I would have wished them luck in proving harassment against you for talking about your experience. They aren't perfect but they are all we have to work with and I do still think you should get in touch with them or as before the national stalking helpline.

OP from a professional perspective you do need to report this to police. Even a verbal warning from them might make him back off and if not, they can take action. I've worked with police in recent years around stalking and training and insight is much better than it used to be, most areas have officers with some specialist knowledge/training too. I don't want to frighten you but stalking is a risk factor for domestic homicide, you've not been in a relationship with him but you don't know what he's thinking of how he's twisted things in his mind. He may well have mental health issues, or a fixation, best to get this on record and get it nipped in the bud.

I don't know how your policing works, but here you can go into the station and write up an incident report. You can ask if you want the police to go and do a 'check in' with the problem individual, or you can just choose to have the incident on file.

What this means is that if the situation escalates there will be a paper trail and it will also mean they will take each complaint more seriously as they can check their records to see the duration and escalation of the behaviour. I would strongly suggest doing this if there is the option.

Stay safe.

Police Officer here. I can categorically confirm that this NEEDS to be reported. I would imagine in the first instance words of advice will be given to give a very clear 'line in the sand' (not that he should need one in the circumstances) so that police have on record he should be in NO doubt at all that contact is unwanted. If he so much as sends ONE further communication it will be relatively straightforward for the Police to progress the criminal harassment or even stalking depending on the nature of his actions.

Report it to the police tomorrow.

Print out all the messages then go to the police. He is stalking you. The messages may be friendly in nature, but any normal guy would have got the message by now.

I remember your previous thread OP and thought it was definitely not normal behaviour from this person then.
But it has continued despite your actions to try to shut it down; clearly he has no intention of stopping.
So this man will not take no for an answer.
Doesn't that sound dangerous to you?
Please take the advice given above, not least from the police officer, and report it as soon as you can.

I would definitely report to the Police. You have taken the normal steps that would deter a normal person, and he is undeterred. So what happens next?

In the nicest possible way, I can see how your friends are minimising this because beyond your initial explanation, you have minimised to absolutely everyone who is giving you advice.

In the States this would be cyberstalking and electronic harassment. Call the police!!

Contact Paladin for advice - you are being stalked
paladinservice.co.uk
Send him a message stating that if he persists in contacting you, you’ll be reporting him for harassment.

Please take the advice of the police officer.
OP - as you have suffered worse you are now minimising this. Yes, it’s not as bad as being followed home but you suspect he hacked into your computer, and he appears mentally unstable and has been clear that he has a fixation on you. It warrants being treated very seriously

My lord, I can't believe the panic crew are posting again. I wouldn't listen to these saying contact police and trying to pretend to you he's a murdering stalker. I'm sure he's a decent guy thats just maybe got his wires crossed or is genuinely trying to keep you in the loop. The police would visit him to tell him and as you said it isn't something you wanted to approach with certain friend yet let alone get tarnished with getting the police involved with someone who'd done nothing wrong in their eyes. Just deal with it like a grown up, tell your friend to tell him to stop messaging you if you feel intimidated or like you dont want the attention.

Was there no line manager at the charity?

If they lost a good volunteer due to this individual harassing them, consider letting them know. You won't be the only one to have left due to this individual.